June 1st, 2007
As a child, I didn’t have imaginary friends.
My other friends did. But their imaginary friends left something to be desired. Most of them had little personality, cutesy names that they can’t even utter these days because they’re so cute, and (much like a robot dog) a limited list of things they could do. I.e., they could sit at a table and participate in a tea party, or pretend to be hungry at the dinner table and hang out in your desk at school, but that was about it.
That’s why I’d like to officially present to you a list of five imaginary friends I wish I had as a kid.
Posted under Childhood, Imaginary Friends, Lists of Five. | No Comments »
March 22nd, 2006
- “I play a lot of video games, you know, for that whole eye-hand coordination… I mean, video games are a billion dollar industry these days… Did you know the movie industry makes less money each year than the video game industry? Anyway, I play a lot of video games and I just hurt my wrist last night playing Capture the Flag with my buddies online and so, um, it’s really hard to use my left hand to open, um, car doors.”
- “There are two types of women in this world. The ones who want their car door opened and the ones who get insulted by opening a car door for them because they want to be viewed as independent and self-sufficient. Well, I looked at all the options here and figured that I was better off not pissing you off, assuming you’re the kind of woman who wouldn’t want me to open her car door. Now, don’t get me wrong - I thought about the other option, but if you are the type of woman who would want her car door opened and I didn’t do it, I think I’d just generally not get as much wrath as I would in the other situation… So, you see? It all worked out.”
- “The valets get pissed off when you do their job for them. And you don’t want to piss them off because if you do, the next time you let them park your car they’ll steal all your quarters. And without quarters, I can’t do my laundry, and without my laundry I’ll end up having to wear less flattering clothing and then I won’t be presentable and your family won’t like me and this whole relationship will be doomed.”
- “If people see me opening the car door for you they’re going to think this is our first date, and really let’s be honest — that’s the last thing we want people to think.”
- “Chivalry is dead. No, I’m serious. It totally is. The News said so.”
Posted under Dating, Lists of Five, Manners. | 32 Comments »
