Leaving is the New Going

People used to say, “I’m going now.”

Usually, they would use such a pedestrian phrase when they wanted others around them to know that they were going somewhere. Going to the store. Going to a movie. Going, parting ways from a conversation. It was a phrase that took over modern society from the years 1912-2005, being slung forth from society’s collective mouth for decades upon decades. Of course, everything has just changed…

…now that leaving is the new going.

Using the English language, I’m told, is one of the hardest things to fully master. If you didn’t grow up in this country, and you didn’t benefit from learning English as your first language, grasping the intricacies is a tough hurdle to hurdle. The word “going” is one of those complicated hybrid words that means two things. Going can mean “going somewhere” but it can also mean “departing from somewhere” as well.

Replacing ‘Hottie’

Let’s face it — the word hottie is sort of un-inspiring.

Over time certain words have evolved in the English language and other words have cropped up to my completely surprise and disdain. But among all these such words, I have always been most surprised by the word hottie. Not only is it a lazy way to form a word (adding the -ie and that’s it), but it also just doesn’t seem to work as a stand-alone “he’s a hottie” or “she’s a hottie” phrase.

That’s why, today, I’ll be replacing hottie.

It’s Time To Help Alec Baldwin Out

You may or may not have heard about Alec Baldwin’s threatening message to his 11 year old daughter, Ireland.

Whether or not you did, Baldwin’s been getting a lot of press in the last few days, calling him a horrible father and generally holding him over the fire. It’s yet another example of people in this country becoming even less tolerant of the words that others use to describe people. From Imus being fired off his radio show to Alec Baldwin’s telephone voice mail “rage” — it seems that people are going to have to find new ways of saying degrading things, without getting in trouble.

Today, WFME helps out Alec Baldwin — with new ways to call his daughter “a thoughtless little pig.”

WFME’s Nobody Is Listening, Part Threux

“Welcome to McDonald’s, may I take your order?”
“Yeah, I’ll have two cheeseburgers, a diet coke and an apple pie.”

“That’s a cheeseburger, a coke and a fish pie?”
“What’s a fish pie?”

“I’m sorry, sir — I meant a Filet o’ Fish. Would you like anything else?”
“Um, how about NOT a fish pie.”

“One second, sir — let me delete that.”
“Thanks.”

“So, that’s a cheeseburger and a coke.”
“No. That’s incorrect. I wanted TWO cheeseburgers, a diet coke and an APPLE pie.”

“Two cheeseburgers, diet coke and a small fry.”
“Almost — I don’t want fries.”

“No fries? Okay.”
“But I want an APPLE PIE.”

“An apple pie?”
“Yes. Exactly.”

“So that’s two cheeseburgers and an apple pie.”
“You forgot the diet coke.”

“SIR, there’s no need to be rude. I didn’t forget the diet coke, I just already said it a million times that I wasn’t going to waste my time saying it again.”
“Oh.”

“Please pull around to the first window.”