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May 13th, 2007
First of all, Happy Mother’s Day to all those mothers out there who work their ass off raising their kids, or pay an illegal alien to take care of them instead.
Secondly — here’s some words that also can be made out of the letters that form the word “Mother.”
- MOTH: Annoying, fluttery creatures who like light.
- THE: A non-word, that without others to define it, is sort of a non-word.
- OTHER: Redirecting attention off you, and onto the others.
- HER: Referring to a woman.
- METH: A drug often used to forget about ones’ stressful life.
- ROTE: Repetitious. Doing something over and over again, each and every day.
- REMO: As in Remo Williams: The Adventure Continues, an 80’s movie about someone whose life had no meaning until a larger force (i.e. the government) gave him a new job and meaning to his life.
- THERMO: Slang for “hot under the collar” — one who gets worked up and stressed often.
- HOME: Where “mothers” work.
- MORE: What people who don’t have “real careers” often wish for.
- ROT: When something stagnates, sits still in one place for too long.
Posted under Holidays, Letters. | 4 Comments »
January 15th, 2007
Dear Sir or Madam:
I am writing you this letter after having left numerous messages for the owner and manager of your restaurant. While I have enjoyed your food for the last three years — I have recently experienced many problems with my recent food orders and am hoping that the management will do something to make things right. I have kept detailed notes about my recent issues, which are outlined below:
10/12/06: Ordered extra chicken on chopped salad, with dressing on the side. When arrived to pick up food, asked specifically, “is there extra chicken on that chopped salad and is there dressing on the side?” Worker responded, “yes sir there’s extra chicken on that chopped salad and we’ve put the dressing on the side. Do you want bread, too?” The offer of extra bread was obviously some kind of misdirection, as when I got home and opened up my salad — there was no extra chicken and it was mixed in with the dressing.
10/18/06: Ordered the Italian salad that comes with the crisp pepper bread on the side. Only reason I ordered the salad was that I had a craving for the crisp pepper bread. When I got home with the salad, there was no crisp pepper bread, but instead - sourdough bread slices. I called to ask about what happened to the crisp pepper bread and the person who answered the phone said that you were out of crisp pepper bread, but no one told me when I ordered “the salad with that crisp pepper bread” that there would be no crisp pepper bread. This was a big problem.
11/3/06: Ordered a “super-tossed” caesar salad. Instead, got a tossed caesar salad. When I complained, your staff said there was no such thing as tossing a salad where absolutely every piece of lettuce is drenched in dressing. In fact, there is. That’s what a “super-tossed salad” is. Just add more dressing until it’s superly tossed. I can talk more to this point if and when you have time.
12/12/06: On this particular occasion I was stunned to find that I had been only given three croutons in my salad. When I called to ask why I had only received three croutons, your staff mentioned that they were “three big croutons.” I mentioned that even if they were huge croutons, three croutons are still not enough for any salad of any size. Your staff said that I could come back and get more croutons but it shouldn’t be up to me to add to the crouton-count in the first place. Then while I was waiting to find out if your delivery people could bring me additional croutons, I heard someone on the other end of the phone call me “The Crouton Crier.” I did not cry, but having a decent amount of crunch is necessary for a satisfying salad experience.
12/31/06: New Year’s Eve. Attempting to give your establishment one last chance, I ordered five chicken chopped salads, with dressing on the side, with extra croutons — super tossed. I received just that, with one exception. Each salad felt lighter than normal. While I haven’t weighed your salads in the past, I could tell by holding them lightly on my palms that they had less lettuce in them. I asked your staff if they’d recently changed the portion sizes to which they said no and that the change in weight must be all in my head. Well, let me tell you — after I finished eating I was still hungry. Something I normally don’t feel after eating a salad from your restaurant. I was shorted at least a half head of lettuce, collectively.
1/3/07: My last experience with your restaurant until I hear back from you. I swung by casually, ordered a lemonade. You’d think you guys could do lemonade correctly — but apparently not. Way too much ice. So much so that I got about three sips and there wasn’t any drink left. I asked for a refill but they wanted to charge me. I pointed out all the ice. No one seemed to care. A mountain of ice is a great way to make money but it’s a horrible way to make your customers happy.
I look forward to your thoughts on the above instances and hope you find a way to rectify the situation.
Posted under Food and Drink, Letters. | 11 Comments »
December 19th, 2006
This post is in regards to Regards.
Signing letters has been addressed before here at WFME, but never have we delved deep into the meaning and useability of the most famous signature line ever. Personally, staying away from the typical sign-offs is the first step to original letter writing, but if you’ve got the hankering to sign off in the traditional Emily Post type way, at least educate yourself and know what you’re doing before an innocent letter turns into a complicated problem.
That’s why today, WFME will be explaining the list of regards.
Each opportunity to send your regards holds its own meaning and significance. And so, without further adieu, WFME would like to give you some hints as to when to use each iteration and what their meanings happen to be:
Posted under Letters, Regards. | 8 Comments »
September 17th, 2006
B: You can’t go wrong with B. It’s just a solid, strong letter. Any word that starts out with B is not as forceful as a word that begins with a T (which is a letter I completely abhor), but it still can communicate it’s strength and backbone. Favorite words that start with B: ball, boy, big, boom and barrister.
G: What can I say about G that you don’t already know? G reminds me of the kind of childhood memories I still think about these days, which basically means that G has staying power. There’s really no other letter like G, although some people will tell you that G is a lot like H — but those people who say that are just bitter because their names are Harry or Henry. Favorite words that start with G: grand, grandiose, grandosity, green, greener, greenery and gabbery.
L: Any letter that also can double as a 90-degree angle in a math equation is tops in my books. Plus, it also doubles as a bookend and a fulcrum. Put two L’s together and you get a different sound in Spanish, and put three together in English and you get some wacky stuff going on. I’m sort of biased since when I was a kid my life was saved by an L, so that may be why I hold the L so close to my inner-self. I also love L because it stands strong in front of a bunch of M’s, N’s and O’s. Favorite words that start with L: love, linger, lasso, lariot, lesser and lanuga.
P: Is there anyone who didn’t know that this would be one of my favorite letters since it’s the first letter in my name? But let’s show a little more depth than that. I love the letter P because as a letter you pronounce, it also ends up being a word as well in the pronunciation of it. For example, say P and you get “pee” and “phee” and “please” if you slur your words enough. But even more than it’s double-duty as a letter and a word at the same time, the letter P makes me think of Niagra Falls, which is a beautiful natural wonder that we should all embrace. Favorite words that start with P: paul, pauly, pablocito, p diddy, pabloroco, payment-upon-receipt and porridge.
W: What’s W upside down? An M. And what do we think about M? Well, I think that M is far too mainstream for this list. M is sort of the Brad Pitt of the alphabet — meaning, it’s a letter that gets way too much play and attention. For that reason, I love W because W is turning M on its head. W is completely going the other direction and saying that he (W is male, by the way) doesn’t give a crap that people like M. W is going to do whatever it wants, no matter what the consequences. That’s fully demonstrated by the fact that W heads up words like: wack, womp, wicker and wonky. W rocks! W is so ghetto it ain’t even funny.
Most of the other letters of the alphabet suck. I mean, sure, you need them now and again to communicate with the rest of the world, but on a strictly “favorite letter” basis — I have to go with these elite five.
As for vowels, don’t get all vowel-hatin’ on me. Vowels get way too much attention even to the point of having a rhyming jingle attributed to them in elementary schools everywhere (“a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y”). Give credit where credit is due, and embrace my favorite letters with gusto!
Posted under Alphabet, Letters, WFME's Favorite Things. | 13 Comments »
