Words For My Enjoyment

If you’ve seen Final Destination then you know what an elaborate accident is.

But even if you haven’t, you’ve probably imagined the myriad of elaborate ways you may or may not die when your time comes. Your visual may involve water or peanuts or brown paper bags… Your imagination might take hold and put you in a scenario involving a mob boss, a ziploc bag and a South American rhino.

For me — it often involves losing my left foot in a tragic skiing accident that involves a bear, two explosive devices and a leaf blower.

First of all, let me tell you what I can’t stand. People who have to criticize my imagined-death scenario. “How is losing your left foot in a tragic skiing accident that involves a bear, two explosive devices and a leaf blower going to kill you!? I’ve never heard of anyone dying from losing their left foot in a tragic skiing accident that involves a bear, two explosive devices and a leaf blower. Have you? Seriously, think about it and get back to me…”

See? So annoying.

Look, let’s make a deal. You go ahead and stick with your unimaginative death by a heart-attack or a gunshot wound, and I’ll stick with my tragic skiing accident and the foot thing and the bear and the explosive devices and the leaf blower. You stick with the shooting pain in your chest, and I’ll stick with the annoying sound of a leaf blower reverberating through my skull while I have to shake a bear’s locked and sharpened jaw off my shoulder… You worry about that pain in your left arm (which often accompanies a heart attack) and I’ll deal with the pain of two explosive devices (that happen to have been planted in the belly of the bear) ripping through the bear while he’s gnawing on my shoulder while my left foot is in a precarious skiing accident-like situation — all the while having to deal with the migraine headache inducing leaf blower sound.

You imagine the way you want to die and I’ll imagine the way I’m going to die and we won’t worry about other people and all will be good.

That’s the problem in this world — people are too concerned with other people and their imaginations. People would rather point out the holes in your imagined and elaborate Rube Goldberg death scenario instead of looking inward and trying to find a way to make their “choking in a restaurant” scenario seem a little more exciting. People would rather ignore their own imaginative shortcomings so that they can instead tell you that there’s no way a bear is going to let someone stuff two huge plastic C4 explosive devices in their stomach without getting angry.

Um, did you ever hear of anesthetizing a bear, then implanting them? No, I didn’t think so.

Oh and one more thing: leaf blowers can be used to blow snow, okay? Just because you may not see leaves on a ski-slope somewhere in Aspen doesn’t mean there aren’t other things to blow. You may not be too familiar with the owner of that particular ski slope, who likes the snow to appear smooth and slick — something only a leaf blower can do. So, get those nay-saying thoughts out of your head, stop worrying about my imagination and get to fixing yours.

Perhaps if you did, maybe your tripping and falling into a ditch filled with noxious oil (which you drown in) could soon be transformed into a scenario involving a monstrous fireball, a British rugby team, twelve anacondas, a poisonous frog, someone dressed up as the Pied Piper and a malfunctioning Xbox 360.

Perhaps then you’d stop worrying about me and the foot and the skiing accident and the bear and the two explosives and the leaf blower. Perhaps.

I can dream, can’t I?