Monday’s Exciting List of Verbal Argument Finishing Moves After The Other Party Storms Out The Door (Kitchen Edition)

  • Pick up glass vase of fake lemons, smash on floor.
  • Wave arms in screaming 360-degree motion by Calphalon pots (hanging from ceiling), causing 55% of them to go crashing to floor, cracking elaborate South American-imported tiles.
  • Open fridge, pull out crisper drawers, scatter fresh vegetables everywhere.
  • Pull answering machine from wall, throw through glass partition window.
  • Tap into adrenalization power, pull microwave from mounted position above stove, throw into adjoining family room area, breaking pricey glass coffee table.
  • Rip fake plastic skin off fake plastic apple in fake plastic fruit bowl, scream to the sky.
  • Kick hole in metallic garbage bin, get foot stuck, swing until gravity pulls screaming bin of death towards wine glass cabinet — breaking 40% white wine glasses, 90% red wine glasses.
  • Rip off cabinet doors under sink, grab industrial sized Costco bottle of dishwashing liquid, squeeze so hard and with so much rage that stream of green gunk coats ceiling in a wave of Swamp Thing-esque pudding-skin.
  • Crazily huff, scream, then grab margarine container plastic top with teeth, gnawing until the rage has gone.
  • Eat the leftovers in the Tupperware.