Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Katie Holmes’ Scientology Handler

While WFME’s previous imaginary conversations have been some of the greatest “gets” in the history of modern day journalism, today’s interview is one I’ve been dreaming of getting for years.

There’s been so much controversy over the last few years about Katie Holmes, her marriage to Tom Cruise, “their baby” Suri Cruise and whether or not Katie Holmes is happy about the arrangement. People have speculated about what’s really going on, and people have tried to assume they know what’s going on… But no one truly has gotten the real answer…until today.

Because today’s conversation is with Katie Holmes’ actual Scientology handler!

Celebrities Are Just Like You and Me

A slew of star sightings are this weekend’s talk of the town, confirming yet again that celebrities are just like you and me.

Take for example Leonardio DiCaprio seen putting a dollar coin into a parking meter and jamming the darn thing up, then throwing his hands up in frustration when he realized he’d probably end up getting a parking ticket. Or what about Katie Holmes, seen this weekend in Beverly Hills shopping with Victoria Beckham…at a local Crate & Barrel store where one was overheard saying to the other, “Do you think they’re having a sale?”

Or what about that celebrity sighting of Paris Hilton, seen eating an ice cream cone from the bottom up (biting the bottom then sucking ice cream through the funnel) after taking a penny from a local Ben & Jerry’s tip dish, just to cover her ice cream purchase? And what about Charlie Sheen, seen moving his car so that the meter maid’s chalk mark on his tire wouldn’t be seen the next time they came around the block?

There’s been a slew of other sightings this past week of celebs doing things just like you and me. Katherine Heigl from Grey’s Anatomy was seen hitting her brakes to keep a tailgater from driving too close. Sally Field was seen squeezing squashes at a local outdoor farmer’s market. Neil Patrick Harris of TV’s How I Met Your Mother was spotted at a local Hollywood gym staying on the elliptical machine for over 30 minutes (which was the posted limit of time one could stay on the fitness machines), then resetting the clock so no one would know he’d been on for like fifty minutes. Or what about WFME’s favorite Sarah Michelle Gellar spotted out and about smoking a pack of cigarettes, and addicted to the darn things just like you and me!?

And across the coast, in Gotham, SNL‘s Andy Samberg was spotted with mustard on the corner of his mouth, Alec Baldwin was seen adjusting his shoe, Jack Nicholson was overheard complaining about an uncooked doughnut, and let’s not forget reports about Jim Belushi buying stamps from an ATM! Just like you. And just like me.

It’s nice to know that celebrities are real people.

Isn’t it?

TomKat Is Just About Over

If you’ve read the rag mags, you’ve probably read that TomKat (the union of Tom Cruise and Kat(i)e Holmes) is just about over.

The problems that have been reported range from Tom wanting to keep a tight leash on Kat(i)e, keeping her from doing acting roles she might want to do, hanging out with her “old friends” and going to clubs, and generally doing anything that conflicts with the stringent rules of Scientology. Which are fine reasons for being “just about over” I guess — but nothing compared to what I’ve heard is really going on.

Some of my moles in the system recently contacted me with even better gems of impending over-dom.