Words For Your Enjoyment: White Lies

This is the one-millionth post here at WFME.

And in celebration of it being the one-millionth post here at the blog, I decided that in addition to putting up the weekly “Words For Your Enjoyment” (which has received International and critical acclaim from blog readers everywhere) while winging my way across the country on an unnamed celebrity’s private jet (where I am right this minute), that it would also be great to tell you the story about the time I was walking past an old mineshaft and I heard a man screaming and how I saved his life by crawling through miles of coal and mineral deposits.

But that would, sort of, potentially…be a lie.

Six Easy Steps To Forming Your Own Successful Charity

Let’s face it, people love to give to charities.

When you give to a charity, you’re giving a tax deductible donation, which means you can write it off at the end of your fiscal year. When you give to a charity, you feel good about yourself because you did something charitable for someone less fortunate. When you give to a charity, you’re making dreams come true for less fortunate, needy human beings. When you have your own successful charity, the sky is the limit.

Which got me thinking that I should probably start one myself.

I Am The King of Reaching For The Check (But Never Getting It)

My skills are world-renknowned.

They whisper my name in hushed tones, quietly wondering if I am the man they think I am, sitting there across from them at the dinner table. They watch, with bated breath, wondering if when the end of dinner arrives — if I will flex my muscles and make an offer that, in the end, I will most definitely refuse. In Spain they call me Volvereturno! which is a simple yet clever combination of the Spanish verb that means “to return” and the obvious American word “return” — which just communicates how doubly-dangerous I can be.

That is, dangerous…when the dinner check arrives.

The Washcloth Conspiracy

“You mean, you don’t use a washcloth in the shower?”

The words rang out, in fact they echoed in my head as I heard two people discussing this very issue recently in a local Bed, Bath & Beyond store — one person trying to convince the other that the only way to clean ones’ body was to use a washcloth. That without it, ones’ body would not become clean but would just “appear to be clean” when in reality it was just clean “on the surface.”

Yes, once again — the washcloth conspiracy had reared its ugly head.

It’s Over, Okay?

It’s over, okay?

When a holiday comes but once a year but then comes every single year after the year in question, you have one day and one day only in which to discuss said holiday, wish others said holiday’s greetings and smile and joyously tout the greatness of your once a year holiday extravaganza.

But as of today…you shouldn’t be able to do that anymore.