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October 10th, 2006
People say they have ideas, but they never know how to make them a reality.
That’s the problem with society and people and societal peoples of societies around the world (which happen to be filled with people). They think they’re smart and they think they have great ideas and they think they can sing and they think they’ve got the greatest idea for the greatest product in the history of the world when, in fact, they don’t.
That being said, I could have invented the zipper.
There’s a lot of things I won’t take credit for. I won’t take credit for ending the Cuban Missle Crisis and I won’t take credit for velcro and I won’t take credit for semi-conductors, Jamba Juice or those Sharper Image Dream Machine things that people pay a hundred bucks for and that spit out white noise like there was no tomorrow.
Posted under I Could Be, Inventions, The Zipper, [This Category For Rent]. | 10 Comments »
September 4th, 2006
I labor a lot, people.
I also imagine what it might be like if I could perform a variety of other laborious jobs, in the event I was given the opportunity to try them.
On this wondrous Labor Day, I give you a selection of my most popular “I Could Be” posts, so that you may lazily peruse them without having to do any work on your own on this very important non-laboring holiday.
Enjoy.
I Could Be Your Smell Detective
I Could Be Your Safecracker Upper
I Could Be Your Superstar Anesthesiologist
I Could Be Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider Man
I Could Be Your Ill-Informed Tax Man
I Could Be Your Greek God of Misplacement
I Could Be The Hottest Young Rookie In NASCAR History Thanks To Days of Thunder
Posted under Holidays, I Could Be. | 2 Comments »
June 13th, 2006
The world is full of smells.
That’s why when I’m sitting around with you and your friends in the living room or at the cafe or around back that coffee shop we frequent and a strange smell wafts through the air… I’ll be there to get to the bottom of the situation. No, there won’t be any false alarm sniffs or snorts or smells… No, there won’t be any sloppy smell work. Yes, there will be a solution to the mysterious problem at hand…
That’s because I could be your smell detective…the most perceptive detective on the face of the Earth.
Posted under Detectiveness, I Could Be, Smell. | 15 Comments »
May 4th, 2006
Don’t you think there’s too many of these tough-love intervention givers?
I mean who do they think they are? They bust into your life with a crowd of people and then lock the door behind them and they bear their teeth while they growl such phrases at you like “you’re not going anywhere, buddy” and “it’s time you fact facts, fellah” and “you sit there and listen of we’re going to stab you with this huge shish-kabob spear” without even first guaging the situation before them or how you’re feeling on that particular day.
See, I could be your considerate intervention giver and it would make people so much more relaxed.
Continuing words »
Posted under I Could Be, Interventions. | 17 Comments »
April 17th, 2006
Have you looked at the sky lately?
Surprisingly, more people look down than up these days. They look down at people, at the stains on their shirts, at the size of their shoes, at their ever-burgeoning bellies without hardly ever taking the time to look up. To look up at the trees and the horizon and the skies — ergo, the clouds.
That’s why me being your expert cloud spotter is really going to come in handy.
Posted under Clouds, I Could Be. | 21 Comments »
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