Other Words That Can Be Made Out Of The Letters That Form ‘Mother’

First of all, Happy Mother’s Day to all those mothers out there who work their ass off raising their kids, or pay an illegal alien to take care of them instead.

Secondly — here’s some words that also can be made out of the letters that form the word “Mother.”

  • MOTH: Annoying, fluttery creatures who like light.
  • THE: A non-word, that without others to define it, is sort of a non-word.
  • OTHER: Redirecting attention off you, and onto the others.
  • HER: Referring to a woman.
  • METH: A drug often used to forget about ones’ stressful life.
  • ROTE: Repetitious. Doing something over and over again, each and every day.
  • REMO: As in Remo Williams: The Adventure Continues, an 80’s movie about someone whose life had no meaning until a larger force (i.e. the government) gave him a new job and meaning to his life.
  • THERMO: Slang for “hot under the collar” — one who gets worked up and stressed often.
  • HOME: Where “mothers” work.
  • MORE: What people who don’t have “real careers” often wish for.
  • ROT: When something stagnates, sits still in one place for too long.

WFME’s Guide to Shoplifting Cadbury Creme Eggs

First let me just wish everyone a Happy Easter.

Secondly, let me use this blog as my virtual confessional booth to tell you that when I was younger, more impressionable, and my positive mature values had yet to instill themselves in me — I consistently shoplifted candy from a local drugstore in my hometown. And besides stealing gum, I always got giddy as each calendar year reached Easter because I knew it meant that the Cadbury Creme Eggs were on their way. And then I stole them with such skill that even I impressed myself.

Today, I will share such stealthy skills with all of you.

To Do: On President’s Day

Just a few things on my To Do list to take care of on today’s glorious holiday, President’s Day. Some are left over from the previous year, while I’ve been saving many of these for today in particular.

Most importantly, however, is that these particular To Do items (in my humble opinion) can not be done on any other day than today. Some have said that some could be dealt with on Lincoln’s birthday, but I completely and wholeheartedly disagree.

Also — today’s post is dedicated to the South African Sea Otters, who are rapidly reaching extinction.

  • Call my friends and family over 50 years of age, pretending to be Richard Nixon — the only Presidential impression I can do, and make sure they know (over and over again) that “I am not a crook.” (Also, the only phrase I can say, that sounds like Richard Nixon, in using the only impression I can do of a President.)
  • Use the phrase “I categorically oppose that motion!” over and over again in today’s conversations, simply based on the fact that such a phrase sounds pretty damn Presidential if you ask me.
  • Walk into a mattress store that’s having a President’s Day sale, and peruse the most expensive King Size beds, and promise to buy said expensive King Size bed as long as the salesman can tell me who the first ten Presidents of the United States were.
  • Insist people buy me presents since the letters that make the word “presents” come from the word President’s Day. Then use the left over letters “Id Day” and insist that obviously these letters just confirm the fact that today is all about me, my instincts, and yes…presents. Presents. Id Day. No question about it.
  • Drive a Lincoln Town car, play with a Ray Gun, finish drawing up plans for my Dorothy Hammil skater amusement park that I’m calling “Hammil Town,” start drawing up plans for my money making venture that will be established inside of previously mentioned “Hammil Town” which will simply be a three-story coin-operated laundry facility called “Little Washing Town” and where nobody will ever tell a lie (unless they make a mistake that affects our bottom line), fondle my adam’s apple and wonder why women don’t have ’em, and most importantly — do some gardening and remember when I’m in the ivy to watch out for the burrs.
  • Officially announce my candidacy for President of the United States.
  • Officially retract my candidacy for President of the United States due to personal reasons I can unfortunately not reveal at this point in time.
  • Call Joaquin Phoenix, Jerry Lewis, Luke Perry, Rena Sofer, the cheerleader from Heroes, Bob Saget and NewsRadio’s Joe Rogan and remind them that it’s President’s Day so they don’t forget like they did last year.
  • Shave. But in a very Presidential way. (I.e., clearing my throat with each stroke, then as I clean off the blade in the murky water, say something like, “I just can’t see the forest from the trees, National Security Advisor.”
  • Remind myself that had I not done that thing in 1994 in the final days of my college years that involved a box of Pop Rocks and an entire Sorority’s freshman pledge class, I probably wouldn’t have had to retract my candidacy for President of the United States back up there when I retracted my candidacy for President.

Everyone’s Happy New Year Is Ruining This Country’s Level of Productivity

Man #1: “Oh hey. Happy New Year!”

Man #2: “Oh thanks! Happy New Year to you too buddy!”

Woman #1: “Oh, hey guys.”

Man #1: “Oh, hey! Hey, Happy New Year!”

Woman #1: “Oh, god. Thanks! Hey, Happy New Year to you too.”

Man #1: “Hah! Thanks!”

Man #2: “Happy New Year to you.”

Woman #1: “Oh! Thanks! And a Happy one to you as well!”

Boss #1: “What’s going on out here?”

Woman #1: Oh, YOU. Happy New Year!”

Boss #1: “Heh heh! Right back atcha!”

Man #1/Man #2: “Happy New Year, boss!”

Boss #1: “You guys pulling my chain!?” Are ya!?”

Man #1/Man #2: “Naw. NO WAY.”

Boss #1: “Well, then! Happy New Year!”

Woman #2: “Oh, hi.”

Boss #1: “What’s wrong?”

Woman #1: “Yeah, you seem down. Everything ok?”

Man #1: “Did you have a Happy Holidays?”

Woman #1: “Eh, not so much. Frank accidentally drove into one of the supporting beams of our carport, and took the whole entire thing down and the kitchen’s bay window with it in the process.”

Man #2: “Oh man, that sucks.”

Woman #2: “Yeah. Not a good holiday at all.”

Boss #1: “Well…”

Woman #2: “Mmm?”

Boss #1: “Things can only get better!! Happy New Year!”

Woman #2: “Awww, thanks. Happy New Year to you, too.”

Boss #1: “Thanks.”

Woman #2: “And to you…”

Woman #1: “Aww, thanks! Happy New Year to you as well!”

Woman #2: “And to YOU guys also!”

Man #1/Man #2: “Thanks!”

Woman #2: “No problem. Thank YOU.”

[A long long long long pause…]

Man #1: “Anybody wanna get some coffee at Starbucks?”

[Everyone’s faces light up.]

Merry Christmas & A Happy New Fear

WFME would like to wish all its readers a Merry Christmas and instead of a Happy New Year we’d instead like to wish you all a Happy New Fear (i.e. we hope you find another thing to be afraid of (like us) in the coming 2007 calendar year.)

Last year we had many new fears. This year, we’re having a premonition that our new fear could be related to broccoli.