Words For My Enjoyment

People are obsessed with hair.

Cutting hair, shaving their hair, having more hair, growing hair, getting rid of hair, weaving hair, donating hair to people who don’t have hair, dying their hair, making wigs out of real human hair, having dogs that have human hair instead of fur, and a myriad of other hair-obsessed questions, debates and discussions. Hair, it seems, is the perfect subject matter for WFME’s Burning Question.

That question? How much hair is too much hair?

Seemingly, there’s no rhyme or reason to what level of hairness is a good or bad thing. In fact, we here at WFME put together a little list of hair options and rated them with a good or a bad ranking. You’ll see, as we did, that unless you’re that guy who is the main character in The DaVinci Code, you won’t be figuring out the key to good/bad hair quotients anytime soon. Here, look:

• Lots of Hair on Head: Good. You’re like Samson.
• Lots of Hair in a Beard: Bad. You’re like a homeless guy.
• Lots of Hair on Your Arms: Bad. People call you Bigfoot.
• Lots of Hair in a Moustache: Good. You’re clever, intelligent.
• No Hair on Your Head: Bad. You look old. No testosterone.
• Lots of Hair on Your Back: Bad. You’re like a carpet, and in a love relationship, people don’t like carpet. They like hard wood floors. And hard wood floors is the new hairless back, FYI.
• Lots of Hair on Your Palms: Bad bad bad bad bad, Mr. Werewolf.
• No Hair on Your Stomach: Good. Look at that six-pack!
• No Hair Just Right Below Your Male Stomach: Bad. You’re no man.
• No Hair Just Right Below Your Female Stomach: Good. You’re sexy.

Do I even need to continue? Do I need to boot up the Powerpoint or Excel spreadsheet to illustrate the other 499 positive and negative hair quotient questions that, in a nutshell, have convinced me that there is no rhyme or reason to the more hair/less hair burning question of life?

No, I didn’t think so.

So, in an attempt to provide WFME’s readers with an answer to today’s burning question, we have come up with a helpful flow chart that will allow you to determine if your friend/co-worker/partner/etc has too much hair or too little hair on certain areas of their body and whether or not you will need to have a hair intervention or not.

Step #1: Does the bodypart in question, have more hair than the amount that could fit in a breadbox, or less hair than the amount that could fit in a breadbox. If there’s more hair, go to Step #10. If there’s less hair, go to Step #2.

Step #2: Is the hair coarse like an evil witch’s mole hair or soft like chenille? If the hair is coarse, go to Step #5. If the hair is like chenille, go to Step #3.

Step #3: Since the hair is soft, does it move when you blow at it? Or does it stand, unmoving, like a dead piece of hair? If it stands, unmoving, it is bad hair. Bad bad bad bad bad. Shave it, pluck it, or do something to kill it off. If it does move, go to Step #4.

Step #4: Congratulations! The hair is good hair. Rejoice in it!

Step #5: Since the hair is coarse, rub it back and forth between two fingers. Does it cause static electricity? Or does it tangle up? If it causes static electricity, go to Step #7. If it tangles up, go to Step #6.

Step #6: Sorry. The hair is bad hair. Have you heard of Nair? Remove it immediately through amateur or professional means.

Step #7: Since the hair has static electricity, it is a conductor for electricity. This is a good thing. As long as the hair isn’t on top of said person’s head (read: thunder storms). If the hair is on the head, go to Step #8. If the hair isn’t on the head, go to Step #9.

Step #8: Bad hair. Shave it off.

Step #9: No matter where this hair is (other than the head) it’s a good thing. It’s a source of electricity, but not dangerous to be out in public during a thunder storm. Congratulations.

Step #10: More hair than a breadbox? That’s bad, no matter where it is. A breadbox holds a lot of hair (er, bread).