Words For Your Enjoyment: Gum Whitening

Welcome back. We missed you.

This week’s “Words For Your Enjoyment” comes to us from Kevin, who was rambling on and on about gum and chewing and how Trident was the first gum ever chewed in space and it was just too overwhelming and so I took the first word he uttered…”gum”, and spun that into an idea which you are now about ready to peruse.

Trident White.

This is the gum, according to recent television commercial ads, that whitens your teeth as you chew it. That’s right, you chew this gum in the back of your mouth, between the wisdom teeth and the molars at the back of your skull and it turns your teeth a pretty white color!!

We’ve All Stolen Gum

Whenever you sit down with someone and open up your heart and share your feelings, the conversation usually (at least with me) ends up dealing with the question, “Have you ever done anything illegal?” And nine times out of ten, most people have at one point or another in their lives — stolen a pack of gum.

Why is it that stealing gum is the most common thievery in the United States of America?

It’s true. If you look at the most common crimes…murder, assault, kidnapping, grand theft auto, armed robbery and stealing gum… Stealing gum is the one crime that occurs more often than any of the others. Stealing gum is perpitrated by more “innocent citizens” who have never been thrown in the slammer than any other group of malcontents. Stealing gum is the real problem, people.

Building a Better Piece of Gum

Trident Cinnamon Gum has got to be the smallest, creepiest, once-chewed-it-becomes-an annoying chokable pellet piece of gum-ness I have ever chewed in the history of my life.

And I can’t take it anymore.

When I decide to put a foreign object into my mouth that will bring me juicy flavorful goodness in a food that I cannot digest but which I can masticate for hours and hours and hours…I want it to fill up my mouth from cheek to cheek. I want the taste explosion to hit every bud on my tongue. I want it to be as close to the time I separated out all the marshmallow thingies from Lucky Charms and ate them with milk, chewing voraciously as every dark corner of my mouth was filled with multi-colored marshmallow chalkiness.