But what I’d like to know is this: if I only chew the piece of gum for two minutes, and it’s still got a lot of juicy flavor, and then I spit it out, have I technically only infused 2 1/2 calories? At what point have I chewed the 5 calories out of the piece of gum? Do I have to swallow it and digest it to hit that 5 calorie mark? Shouldn’t the gum manufacturers have a calorie/time limit posted on the back? I.e., 5 calories after chewing for 10 minutes, 2 1/2 calories after chewing for 5 minutes, et al?

These are the questions that rule my life.

You probably won’t like me anymore after I admit this.

But it being Memorial Day and all (a day of remembering those who fought for our country and a day of making admissions related to chewable but not digestable snack products) I figured it was time to admit to doing something that I think everyone else probably does but never admits it for fear of being looked at with suspicious eyes.

Yes, today I’d like to admit that I… feel gum.

It started simply enough. I was young and sitting at an elementary school bench and just happened to place both hands beside my body, grasping the edge of the wooden bench. My fingers, of course, snaked around and under the bottom of the wood slat (as fingers often do when you’re gripping onto something that you’re sitting on) and they felt something smooth, not entirely symmetrical, but curiously intriguing. With an extra little push into the globule of semi-firmness, it came clear to me all at once that someone had chewed up gum, lazily squished it under the wooden bench top, and hoped that the consequences of such an act would never come to pass.

That is, not thinking that another innocent person (me) would pass by, sit down, and feel the gum almost accidentally.

But these days, everywhere I go I seem to feel gum. I was at a restaurant the other day and accidentally felt underneath the edge of the table by my chest. What did I find? A few pieces of gum. At the local to-go sandwich counter, at the local coffee’s corner table, under a conference room’s conference table and so on… People are chewing gum, deciding there’s no taste left, then squishing the remnants underneath tables — assuming gravity will never displace the sticky substance.

And me? I feel it.

But strangely, I don’t ever look. Never. There’s some kind of internal fear that if I look and see exactly what is stuck there, it may ruin the entire obsession. Without looking, without any visual confirmation — I can’t confirm 100% that I’ve just felt old gum. I can tell you that I think there’s some gum stuck under here but I can’t fully and honestly agree that what I think is down there, really IS down there.

And I think by not looking, I’m saving myself a whole lotta hurt.

A great metaphor to the above scenario is this: I was once driving my car down the street and I believe that I slammed into a parked car on the side of the road. I mean, I could feel what felt like a crash of some kind with accompanying scraping and a few sparks lighting up the night air. I think I may have also felt a side mirror come off, but I never looked. Ever. In fact, I never stopped, and to this day have never looked at the right side of my car.

That means that it never really happened.

And if I never look at the right side of my car, I was never in an accident and I never was involved in a hit and run with a parked car and I can never feel guilty or be arrested for something that I never fully saw myself do. Sure, I felt it, but what are feelings other than insignificant and trivial electronic synapses being sent from the brain to other “feeling parts” of the body?

Same goes for the feeling of the gum. Sure, I can feel the gum. But if I never look under there to see the gum, I could potentially not be feeling gum. So before you get all grossed-out or something because you think Pauly D is feeling old chewed-up gum underneath public tables countywide, remember this:

What I’m feeling may not be gum at all.

Then, of course, the thinking machines start pistoning away. Could it be glue, perhaps? Keeping the slats of the bench together? Or what if that gloppy substance is some kind of plastic resin that seals up outdoor to-go tables for the rainy weather? What if what I’m feeling feels like gum, but is in reality, some kind of fake gum substance put there to freak out people who don’t want to feel gum, but do accidentally?

See? There’s a wide array of possibilities.

That being said, I just had to admit to you all today that I’m pretty sure I’m feeling gum and I hope that on today, Memorial Day, you can forgive me for an obsession that may not be an obsession at all.

I know I have.

Just like women most often prefer it when a guy just plans a date and takes control and doesn’t lament over and over again that they want to decide what to do tonight together…you sit there with your paltry little piece of Trident asking me if I want half since there’s only one piece left.

What did I just say? Don’t offer me half a stick of gum.

That’s like dying penniless and then when the reading of your will happens I find out that you’ve left me your old 8 track tape collection. It’s like me asking for some chips and you handing me the Doritos bag with the crumbs at the bottom. It’s like going to shake my hand and patting me on the back instead.

Offering someone a half a piece of gum is like telling them you couldn’t care less about their breath, their self-respect or their value in your life.

What would I prefer? What is my solution to the problem of half-piece-a-gum-givers? Shouldn’t I have one if I’m going to lament and complain and ramble and rant on about gum-breakers? Well, I do.

Don’t offer me half a piece of gum.

That’s like breaking up with someone and then at the last minute offering to go with them to your parents’ anniversary party. It’s like hitting me with your car as I’m walking through the crosswalk and then offering to take me to the hospital. It’s like pulling over to the side of a high mountain road where I’m hanging on for dear life and then you reach out and grab my hand and say “Hold on! Hold on, I’ll pull you up!” and then you try and try but in the end you can’t do it and I go careening to the ground thousands of feet below.

It’s a half-assed job and a half-a-piece of gum.

Sure, some people their being generous. Sure, some people think it’s an act of friendship or loyalty. Some people think it’s a great way to foster relationships and share the Splendafied wealth.

I say it’s just some guy, feeling guilty, that he’s got the last piece of gum.

Because who in their right mind wants to chew on a pea-sized half-a-piece of gum? Who wants to basically give themselves a jaw problem because of their repetitive “find the gum in my mouth” game since it’s too damn small to locate? Who wants to give themselves a headache chewing something the size of an eraser?

No one.

So get a backbone and find your courage and just tell me that you’ve got one last piece of gum, that you don’t wanna share it cause who really wants to chew a half piece of gum, and leave well enough alone.

Sure. I may hate you forever.

And talk behind your back about how you’re “that person” who doesn’t share the last piece of gum and craft voodoo dolls out of your hair to which I’d stick old gross gum onto in an attempt to sour your love for the chewy stuff and generally say bad things about you in our gum-chewing cirlces… But someday, when all is said and done…

I’ll be glad that you stood up, took charge, and denied me the one thing that, honestly, I probably really don’t want.

—

(Editor’s Note: Be sure not to miss out on WFME’s trilogy of gum posts which are sure to amaze and annoy.)

“HELLO Dumbasses!

Trident and Orbitz and Wrigleys and tons of companys put artificial sweeteners in their gum.. These artificial sweeteners cause many symptoms…Aspartame causes 92 known symptoms and i’m sure the other artificial sweetners out there cause just as many. I’d advise you to get off those brands of gum..oh and BubbleTape. OK well I hope you guys are smart enough to get off it.”

We here at WFME were so fascinated with our newfound friend and her comments that we decided to interview her in depth about her thoughts on gum. Those thoughts, reprinted word for word, follow…

1. What is your name?

My name is Alicia and I have done research on gum. Unfortunately what I found wasn’t very pleasing. I realized that in many brands of gum contain artificial sweeteners!!

2. You seem to know a lot about gum – can you tell my readers where your knowledge comes from?

“I have researched many sites, but not specifically on gum. Instead I researched on Diet Coke and artificial sweeteners. I found out that the most common artificial sweeteners are Aspartame and Sucralose. These are only two out of many artificial sweeteners. These are in gums also. Aspartame is in Trident, Bubble Tape, Orbitz, Wrigleys and many other brands of gum. I used to love Wrigleys Big Red and Winterfresh till I realized I was addicted! I looked at the ingredients and saw aspartame. Many of my friends chew Trident gum, when I tried to tell them it contains aspartame they just shrugged and kept on chewing it.

Now I guess your wondering what is Aspartame? It is like I said, and artificial sweetener. Aspartame is a toxin. Yes, that‚s what I said, a toxin. It breaks down in your system into three types of toxins. Formaldehyde, Methanol, and Aspartic Acid are all broke down in your system. Aspartame breakdown products attack the body’s tissues and create Formaldehyde which builds up in your tissues forever and is what preserved those frogs you dissected in school. Methanol is and alcohol that makes you blind. Aspartic Acid is an “excitotoxin” in the brain and excites the neurons to death. It damages and kills the brain cells. Russell L. Blaylock, MD wrote a book called Excitoxins: The Taste that Kills. He goes over on what it does to the brain. Dr. H.J. Roberts created a few books on Aspartame as well one called Aspartame Nutrasweet is It Safe. Dr. H.J. Roberts has even talked to former President Bill Clinton about aspartame and Diet Coke before President Bill Clinton had to undergo quadruple bypass surgery to remove a blockage in his heart. It is uncertain that aspartame was the cause to this but I am sure it didn‚t help. Former President Bill Clinton was addicted to Diet Coke which contains aspartame.”

3. Do you have a gum that you would recommend to my readers? Something that is safe?

“The only gum that I have found that didn’t contain an artificial sweetener was at Office Depot where they have the candy in the check out lane. It was the Original Bazooka Bubblegum another bubblegum is the Original Dubble-Bubble.”

4. Do you believe that the corporations creating such harmful gum are doing it on purpose much like the tobacco companies?

It’s all about the money with companies. Aspartame is cheaper than sugar because it is artificial. Instead with pure sugar you have pay for it and have it shipped. It is still a wonder why the FDA approved the sweetener. The FDA has been approving things it shouldn‚t have approved. You can‚t trust big businesses because they just want the money. So you can’t trust anyone really. People believe that Aspartame (artificial sweeteners) is safe because the FDA approved it, but it isn’t safe. Not a bit!”

5. Can you tell me something that most people don’t know about gum that is surprising?

“Pilots aren’t allowed to chew artificial sweetened gum before or during flying or it causes blackouts. That’s another reason to stay away from it. I haven’t had a real horrific experience with gum but I have encountered it. The gum from Starbucks contains aspartame fortunately I looked I the ingredients and threw it away before I became addicted to it. I encountered AcesulfameˆK while drinking a Gatorade Product called Propel. It was horribly sweet and tasted nasty. I looked at the ingredients it said Acesulfame PotassiumˆK (also known as AcesulfameˆK) I had to drain all of the bottles. A few of my friends are addicted to Propel.”

6. Anything else you’d like to say?

“I’d like to add if your on a diet or your diabetic, use a natural sweetener called Stevia, it may seem a bit bitter but if you are staying away from sugar that’s what to use. Or just use sugar alcohols. I am currently doing research on sugar alcohols. It causes few symptoms, but try it for a while and see what happens. Stay away from Aspartame (Equal), Acesulfame-K, Saccharin (Sweet-N-Low), Neotame, Xylitol, Sucralose (Splenda) and other artificial sweeteners. Just stick to sugar!”

Thank you, Alicia. It’s obvious that us dumbasses don’t know nearly as much as you do!

How often are we faced with a product whose name has one legitimate word while the other word is pure blasphemy? It is a constant barrage of mixed messages if you ask me. Take for example:

Fruity Pebbles
Pop Rocks
Jalapeno Poppers
Power Bar
Cottage Cheese
$100,000 Bar
Bubble Tape

Bubble tape, indeed, can cause bubbles. In fact, if you chew and chew and chew you will find that there is no shortage of bubbles. Bubbles for all to take part in. But when you try and seal an envelope or hold two pieces of fabric together with this “so-called tape” you’re in for a rude awakening, buddy.

A rude awakening. (For dramatic sake purposes I have chosen to say this phrase twice. I hope it has worked.)

What it comes down to, more generally, is false advertising. The Froot Loops people were smart — they didn’t name their cereal Fruit Loops because there really is no fruit, but indeed those things are loops. So when you examine Froot Loops they have been very honest. It has loops and some foreign alien thing called a “Froot” that doesn’t exist. That’s fine, that works.

But Bubble Tape? I’m not quite sure what the people behind Bubble Tape are trying for here. Do they want children to laugh giddily with excitement at having their own chewable tape? Are children today so desparate to enter the world of offices and cubicles and business that they desire their own roll of tape? Tape that will assist them in securing notes to people’s cubicle walls? Tape that will seal up envelopes and hold numerous paperclips like a clothes-line for those scary moments when loose papers must be corraled?

The Bubble Tape phenom is something that does not bode well for its future. Due to the fact that dishonesty (on the part of the Bubble Tape Executives) breeds a lack of loyalty and when children finally realize that their tape sure does bubble but in no way handles jobs like straight-ahead normal masking tape, they’re in for a, yes that’s right, rude awakening (third time).

Why pick on Bubble Tape? Why sadden the Bubble Tape family (who probably are living the high life right now somewhere in middle America with their Bubble Tape funded mansion) with such criticism? What did Bubble Tape ever do to you, Pauly?

They lied.

You probably don’t know how it feels to have a very important letter returned to you in the mail because a long strip of Bubble Tape didn’t secure the envelope closed. And you probably don’t know how it feels to open that envelope and realize that the cash you enclosed for your Grandmother was missing all because the Bubble Tape didn’t keep the flap secure.

You probably don’t know.

Bubble Tape may have an immediate future. But in the long run – it is a product that will not outlast the more honest products like Froot Loops and Apples — two products who say what they mean and mean what they say.

Welcome back. We missed you.

This week’s “Words For Your Enjoyment” comes to us from Kevin, who was rambling on and on about gum and chewing and how Trident was the first gum ever chewed in space and it was just too overwhelming and so I took the first word he uttered…”gum”, and spun that into an idea which you are now about ready to peruse.

Trident White.

This is the gum, according to recent television commercial ads, that whitens your teeth as you chew it. That’s right, you chew this gum in the back of your mouth, between the wisdom teeth and the molars at the back of your skull and it turns your teeth a pretty white color!!

Wheeeee. Am I missing something?

I know that I opted to transfer out of chemistry class for the easier elective (which was Geology) in high school, and I know that I never quite understood what “a mole” was in Chemistry class, but I am smart enough to be able to tell you that if you chew gum in your mouth that contains a whitening agent, there is no way in hell that the fronts of your teeth are going to get whiter.

I can admit that I have used those whitening strips before. Yes, I have. They are clear strips that you place on the fronts of your teeth… the area of your teeth that everyone sees when you smile — and I have watched as (over time) my teeth have been lightened. Yes, it works. It is amazing technology.

But if you give me gum and tell me that by chewing it, my teeth will grow brighter, I have to believe that you are lying to me. You must be. There is no way this works.

I know, I know. Read the instructions, right? Buy the gum, then read the back. What does it say? Probably something like this:

In order for Trident White to whiten your teeth, you must first chew the gum into a sticky paste. Once the gum has reached a consistency that is somewhere between hard and chewy, flatten the gum out with your fingers or tongue. Stretch the now flattened gum out to a 1 inch by 3 inch rectangle, placing said rectangle over your teeth. Press down hard, pushing the flattened gum onto and around your upper and lower teeth. Leave for two hours. Repeat twelve times daily to see results.

That’s gotta be it. Because if it isn’t, I am totally missing something.

Am I totally missing something?

Why is it that stealing gum is the most common thievery in the United States of America?

It’s true. If you look at the most common crimes…murder, assault, kidnapping, grand theft auto, armed robbery and stealing gum… Stealing gum is the one crime that occurs more often than any of the others. Stealing gum is perpitrated by more “innocent citizens” who have never been thrown in the slammer than any other group of malcontents. Stealing gum is the real problem, people.

Yet for some strange reason (insert conspiracy theory here) no one is talking about it. Not one Presidential Candidate or local wannabe Governor has ever stepped up to the platform and addressed the one crime that hits us close to home. Statistics don’t lie, people. Over 1 million packs of gum are stolen from local supermarkets, mini-marts, 7 Elevens and Target stores per day.

PER DAY.

That’s over 4 million dollars of gum losses on a daily basis. And yet, no one is complaining. Why? What is the reason behind the turned backs? Why aren’t companies like Wrigley and Trident and Orbitz complaining? What’s the deal? Is there something more sinister at work here?

Perhaps, and I only say “perhaps”, could the government be pumping gum full of chemicals that weaken our ability to reason? That cause us to vote for whoever they want us to vote for? Which lulls us all into a constant sleep-pattern as we sleepwalk throughout our lives? Is all this stolen gum really what they want? Their final goal for the future of human beings?

If it isn’t, then why the hell isn’t anyone talking about all the stolen gum?

When I was a kid, me and my friends stole gum. We had a great little one act play we used to call Where’s Mom And Does She Know We Want This Gum?. It went a little something like this:

Me: Where’s Mom?

Friend: Don’t know.

I pick up a pack of gum, holding it up to my brother (friend).

Me: She said we could get gum.

Friend: Yes, she did.

Me: Did she walk outside?

Friend: I think so. We’d better go bring her this gum and ask her if we can have it.

We walk outside, with gum in hand, and never come back.

Really, it was Academy Award winning drama that resulted in (a) successfully stealing a pack of gum, (b) telling my parents about said successful crime, and (c) getting forced to go back to said store, return gum, apologize, and become grounded for a month.

Still, I can’t help but wonder how many kids these days (and adults) are out there stealing gum without anyone saying a thing about it. Gum, people. It’s flying off the shelves and people are losing money but no one is saying one damn thing about it.

Pretty suspicious, if you ask me.

And I can’t take it anymore.

When I decide to put a foreign object into my mouth that will bring me juicy flavorful goodness in a food that I cannot digest but which I can masticate for hours and hours and hours…I want it to fill up my mouth from cheek to cheek. I want the taste explosion to hit every bud on my tongue. I want it to be as close to the time I separated out all the marshmallow thingies from Lucky Charms and ate them with milk, chewing voraciously as every dark corner of my mouth was filled with multi-colored marshmallow chalkiness.

Aaah, the memories.

But with gum, the powers-that-be in the high-council of Gumdom, have not seen it fit to provide their consumers with a piece of gum the size of Manhattan.

(Editor’s note: Scale is important here. Trident gum is the size of one city block in New York City, while a piece of gum that I would desire to chew would be the size of Manhattan. That is about a 1:459 ratio.)

A few years back, one company tried to answer the cries of those fed up with the midget-like Trident gum by providing a gum called Orbitz. They took Trident’s gum dimensions and almost doubled the length and width. But even then, I would have to pack three to four pieces of the gum to satisfy my gum needs. There was still no way, no normal packaged way, to get what I wanted.

These days, I find myself eating a pack of Orbitz in a fifteen minute span of time. That way, I can always provide all corners and boundaries of my mouth with a constant barrage of Wintergreen or Cool Mint flavoring. It’s a costly process, but in the end, my gum fix is put at ease.

But still, with the fact that this whole country is obsessed with all things “bigger” from Super Size to huge salads to gigantic portions — you sort of have to wonder why no one has come to their senses and offered up a piece of gum the size of a loaf of seven-grain bread. I mean, we’ve got King Size candy bars, we’ve got tubs of ice cream. But gum, my friends, still remains petite.

I say, stand up in the face of petite.