The 5 Calorie Gum Question

If you chew Orbitz, you know that a piece of gum is 5 calories.

But what I’d like to know is this: if I only chew the piece of gum for two minutes, and it’s still got a lot of juicy flavor, and then I spit it out, have I technically only infused 2 1/2 calories? At what point have I chewed the 5 calories out of the piece of gum? Do I have to swallow it and digest it to hit that 5 calorie mark? Shouldn’t the gum manufacturers have a calorie/time limit posted on the back? I.e., 5 calories after chewing for 10 minutes, 2 1/2 calories after chewing for 5 minutes, et al?

These are the questions that rule my life.

Today’s Blatant Admission About Feeling Gum

You probably won’t like me anymore after I admit this.

But it being Memorial Day and all (a day of remembering those who fought for our country and a day of making admissions related to chewable but not digestable snack products) I figured it was time to admit to doing something that I think everyone else probably does but never admits it for fear of being looked at with suspicious eyes.

Yes, today I’d like to admit that I… feel gum.


Don’t offer me half a stick of gum.

Just like women most often prefer it when a guy just plans a date and takes control and doesn’t lament over and over again that they want to decide what to do tonight together…you sit there with your paltry little piece of Trident asking me if I want half since there’s only one piece left.

What did I just say? Don’t offer me half a stick of gum.

That’s like dying penniless and then when the reading of your will happens I find out that you’ve left me your old 8 track tape collection. It’s like me asking for some chips and you handing me the Doritos bag with the crumbs at the bottom. It’s like going to shake my hand and patting me on the back instead.

Gum Smack-Talking: The Interview

Earlier today you may have noticed a comment on an older WFME post called “Building a Better Piece of Gum”. The post in question wondered aloud about the size and taste coefficient of gum and the comment received was this:

“HELLO Dumbasses!

Trident and Orbitz and Wrigleys and tons of companys put artificial sweeteners in their gum.. These artificial sweeteners cause many symptoms…Aspartame causes 92 known symptoms and i’m sure the other artificial sweetners out there cause just as many. I’d advise you to get off those brands of gum..oh and BubbleTape. OK well I hope you guys are smart enough to get off it.”

Today’s Prognosis on Bubble Tape

It is gum yet it is not tape.

How often are we faced with a product whose name has one legitimate word while the other word is pure blasphemy? It is a constant barrage of mixed messages if you ask me. Take for example:

Fruity Pebbles
Pop Rocks
Jalapeno Poppers
Power Bar
Cottage Cheese
$100,000 Bar
Bubble Tape

Bubble tape, indeed, can cause bubbles. In fact, if you chew and chew and chew you will find that there is no shortage of bubbles. Bubbles for all to take part in. But when you try and seal an envelope or hold two pieces of fabric together with this “so-called tape” you’re in for a rude awakening, buddy.