Words For My Enjoyment

A List Of My Most Recent Amazing World Records That Guinness Book Should Be Aware Of

Thought about getting up and going to the bathroom forty-five times during the middle of the night, then proceeded to have dreams in which I had to go to the bathroom forty-five times during the middle of the night, then didn’t get up and do something about it until the morning.
Went to pick up a quarter off the floor and it took twenty-two attempts until I was actually able to grasp the quarter and pick it up between my two sausages-for-fingers.
Tried to plug in a three-pronged electrical cord into an outlet that only accepted two-prong electrical cords, at least ten times before realizing the error of my ways.
Burped inwards, twenty-nine times, after drinking a full bottle of sparkling water.
Ate an entire bottle of Tums (which are, incidentally, the new Flintstones Chewable Vitamins), which contain over 100 chewy fruity tablets of digestion-goodness in less than two weeks.
Asked “what?” to someone telling me I had food on my cheek at the dinner table, eight times before realizing they were telling me I had food on my cheek.
Slammed my bad knee in to the sharp metal corner of my coffee table, one-hundred and twelve times.
Used too much toilet paper, one-thousand, twenty-nine times.
Got dessert, eighty-five thousand, six-hundred fifteen times.
Opened a plastic food package with my teeth, secured nasty plastic papercut on my mouth, fifty-four times.