People love gossip.
Personally, I love the kind of obscure celebrity gossip that you cannot 100% totally confirm or deny, but in my dealings with some of Hollywood’s players, I have overheard, been privy to, or seen some of the following tidbits and details — which amuse me to no end.
Did you know that Ben Stiller hates the pimentos in the middle of olives so much that at a recent off-Broadway play during the intermission he stood by the bar and de-pimento’d over fifteen olives, keeping them all in a exponentially sopped cocktail napkin? And did you know that when his wife Christine Taylor approached him and was witness to his horrible manners, that she made him do away with them? And do you know what Stiller did? He put them in the pocket of his sportsjacket. That had to be one smelly sportjacket if you know what we mean!
I definitely did not meet Christina Ricci.
Star of The Addams Family, Cursed, Monster, Sleepy Hollow and much much more — I did not meet her while standing in line at the local juice bar.
She was not wearing a low cut wife-beater T-shirt with a black heart silkscreened on it, and she was not ordering two full-size drinks.
I didn’t say, “You sure you can drink two of those?”
She didn’t say, “I’m a big girl, I can do it.”
At that point, she didn’t turn around and go back to her ordering, and she definitely didn’t pull out one of those Black American Express cards — the kinds that have no limits and are only given to people who spend more than $100,000 a year. All of this, wasn’t happening. And I wasn’t there watching it all break down.
Sure, it’s a neat little lexiconian phrase that people in media can use and it’s sure got a nice twang to it and all, but really, honestly, did you ever stand by the watercooler and discuss the day’s events and drink cup after cup after cup after cup of water out of those annoyingly-cheap conical paper-cups that they make you pee into at the doctor’s office?
No, I didn’t think so.
Find me someone who actually does stand around a watercooler and talk about what they saw on TV last night or how they think Bush is doing in his second term or what they did this past weekend or why they’re wearing pumps instead of heels and I’ll give you someone who (a) gets no work done, (b) goes to the bathroom every fifteen minutes, and (c) has really great looking skin due to the neverending imbibing of H20 every second of every day.
Let’s face it — we all want to be that guy. You know, the one “in the know” who has all the great gossip about so-and-so celebrity? That guy who offers it up to online gossip sites and rag mags and gets money and notoriety in the process?
Well, don’t feel left out.
With the help of a few well-known, but anonymous, mathematical statisticians — WFME has put together our copyrighted Do It Yourself Hollywood Gossip Machine That Works Most of The Time As Long As You’re Not One of Those Verbose Assholes Who Screws Up Word Games Like This All The Time.
Step #1: Get a piece of paper and something to write with.
Everyone loves to be in the know.
How many times have you gazed (not picked up, nor turned the pages) at a Celebrity Gossip rag in line at the checkout counter? And how many times have you wished you had the scoop to phone in? How many times have you heard or read about a great Celebrity sighting and wished you were there too?
Now’s your chance.
Just fill in the blanks (denoted by the [‘s) in the below form. Don’t even read the paragraphs, just move from blank to blank filling in whatever your mind comes up with. (God knows that’s all the rag mags do, anyway!)