A Brief Excerpt of Dialogue From The Climax Sequence In A Film I’m Currently Writing, Tentatively Called ‘I Think My Finger Is Stuck In This Coke Bottle’

Man #1: “Hey, what are you hiding there behind your back?”
Man #2: “Oh, nothing.”
Man #1: “Really? Then show me your left hand.”
Man #2: “Why?”
Man #1: “Well, if you’ve got nothing to hide… Just show me.”
Man #2: “Why do you care so much about my left hand?”
Man #1: “We’ve never had secrets before. Why start now?”
Man #2: “Did you see that accident on the freeway today?”
Man #1: “Oh c’mon. Now you’re just changing the subject.”
Man #2: “Changing the subject? From what?”
Man #1: “From your hand. That’s behind your back. C’mon. Show me.”
Man #2: “If I show you my left hand…”
Man #1: “Yes..?”
Man #2: “…and I show it to you-“
Man #1: “Uh huh…?”
Man #2: “And then you see it…”
Man #1: “Right…”
Man #2: “It will be such a letdown that you’ll wish I never showed you.”
Man #1: “No, I doubt that.”
Man #2: “Trust me on this. It wouldn’t live up to your expectations.”
Man #1: “Just. Show. Me.”
Man #2: “Are you sure?’
Man #1: “Totally sure.”
Man #2: “Okay, but if I show you…”
Man #1: “Yeah?”
Man #2: “I don’t know that I’m ready yet to show you.”
Man #1: “Sometimes as humans we’re never ready.”
Man #2: “Never ready for what? You say that like you know why I’m hiding my left hand behind my back.”
Man #1: “I do.”
Man #2: “You do? All this time, you knew?”
Man #1: “Yes. Now show me.”
Man #2: “You totally almost had me there. I thought you really did know, but that was just a whole well-orchestrated ruse just to get me to show you my left hand, which I’ve got here behind my back.”
Man #1: “Can’t blame a guy for trying, can you?”
Man #2: “Naw, not really.”
Man #1: “So does that mean you’re going to show me now?”
Man #2: “Maybe…”

Why ‘The Lake House’ Is Completely Unrealistic

Welcome to Part One of WFME’s Realism in Hollywood featurette.

Today we’ll be discussing this weekend’s brand new film The Lake House starring Keanu Reeves and America’s Sweetheart Sandra Bullock — a film about a woman and a man who exist in different time periods (he, in 2004 and her, in 2006) and how the two of them communicate through, yes you guessed it, a magical mailbox.

Excuse me? A magical mailbox?

If I Had Actually Been That Kid Eric Stoltz Played In “Mask”

This may be before your time, but I don’t care.

You may or may not have also seen the classic 80’s flick MASK starring Eric Stoltz as Rocky Dennis, a kid born with a really horrible facial deformation whose mother (played by Cher) is a biker-chick who is doing her best to raise a kid who is obviously a social outcast due to his horrific looking face. The story itself is inspirational and heart-warming (Rocky eventually falls for a blind girl at a summer camp played by Laura Dern, who falls for who he is and not what he looks like), and has a moral that goes a little something like, “It’s who you are on the inside that matters, and not how you look.”

But had I actually been that kid in MASK things would have played out a little bit differently.

An Assembly Line of Words

Just off the assembly line is the June edition of Wired Magazine, which features my latest “yarn” entitled Introducing…the 2006 Pixar!

The article takes a quick detour from normal movie previews to give a look at Pixar creative guru John Lasseter and how a childhood obsession with cars eventually turned into the upcoming flick of the same name. Plus, I pull back the curtain of secrecy on some of the really cool hidden “inside jokes” the folks at Pixar have poured into the gas tank of their next digital marvel.

You can check out a scan of the article here.

How Joe Pesci’s Speech From Goodfellas About Being A Clown Might Have Sounded If He Was Being Accused Of Being A NASA JPL Technician Instead

Henry Hill: “You’re sharp, you’re really smart. You’re really smart.”

Tommy DeVito: “What do you mean I’m smart?”

Henry Hill: “You’re smart, you know. You know math, that’s smart, you’re a quick guy.”

[Henry Hill points to a napkin on which Tommy’s scribbled some equations.]

Tommy DeVito: “What do you mean, you mean the way I carry the one? What?”

Henry Hill: “It’s just, you know. You’re just smart, it’s… amazing, the kind of smarts someone would need to be able to calculate and successfully get a spaceship to land on the Moon and everything.”

[It becomes quiet.]

Tommy DeVito: “Smart how? What’s so smart about it?”

Anthony Stabile: “Tommy no, You got it all wrong.”

Tommy DeVito: “Oh, oh, Anthony. He’s a big boy, he knows what he said. What did ya say? Smart how?”

Henry Hill: “Jus…”

Tommy DeVito: “What?”

Henry Hill: “Just… ya know… you’re smart.”

Tommy DeVito: “You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it’s me, I’m a little f*cked up maybe, but I’m smart how, I mean smart like I’m a JPL technician for NASA or somethin’, I make astronomy seem interesting to you? I make you confused when I talk about black holes, I’m here to f*ckin’ confuse you? What do you mean smart, smart how? How am I smart?”

Henry Hill: “Just… you know, how you calculate stuff and sh*t, what?”

Tommy DeVito: “No, no, I don’t know, you said it. How do I know? You said I’m smart. How the f*ck am I smart, what the f*ck is so amazing about landing a man on the Moon? Tell me, tell me what’s so smart about that!”

[Long pause.]

Henry Hill: “Get the f*ck out of here, Tommy!”

[Everyone laughs.]

Tommy DeVito: “Ya motherf*cker! I almost had him, I almost had him. Ya stuttering prick ya. Frankie, was he shaking? I wonder about you sometimes, Henry. You may fold under questioning.”