Words After ‘The Breakfast Club’

I’m one of those guys who likes to imagine the after.

For those not familiar with the after — it’s those moments from pop culture gems (like John Hughes’ The Breakfast Club) that we never actually got to see but like to imagine how they went. You know, the day after Ferris Bueller took his day off. The arguments that Maverick and his hot flight instructor Charlie (Kelly McGillis) had when Maverick left the toilet seat up…

And the night after The Breakfast Club, when Principal Richard Vernon (Paul Gleason) went home to talk about just what went on that day with his wife.

Ten Mistyped English Subtitles I’d Like To See In American Films Translated For International Audiences

From Star Wars IV: A New Hope
“Luke, trust the horse.”

From The Breakfast Club
“If Andrew gets up, we’ll all get up, it’ll be fish guts!”

From Top Gun
“I feel the need for fast velocity movement happy go now!”

From The Godfather
“I’ll make him an offer he can’t garbage.”

From Citizen Kane
“Unopened flower of a rose! Unopened flower of a rose!”

From Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure
“Something strange is twelve inches nearby the oval consonant!”

From Fight Club
“First rule of Fight Club — you don’t talk about Fight Club. Second rule of Fight Club — trickling water invigorates the senses!”

From The Sixth Sense
“I meet to the people who die, faster faster!”

From The Graduate
“Mrs. Robinson, I’m afraid of sudoku!”

From The Lord of the Rings
“The phone’s ring will rule us all… Who’s calling, please?”

If We Switched Up ‘Pretty Woman’ By Replacing Julia Roberts With A CGI-Animated Penguin

Some people say that Pretty Woman is a classic.

Ask a table of your friends at dinner which of them likes the movie and the majority of the table will go on and on about how great of a movie it actually is. Ask anyone if they like Julia Roberts and they’ll bring the movie up before any other. Ask anyone about Richard Gere, and it’s the only movie they’re sure he was in.

But posit this, my friends — what would happen if we switched up Pretty Woman by replacing Julia Roberts with a CGI-Animated penguin? Hmm? What then?

Ten Movies Whose Plotlines Would Change By Simply Adding The Word ‘Cheese’ To Their Titles

  1. Top Gun Cheese: A high-adrenaline look into the world of high-profile, expensive blocks of cheese and the butter churners who are the last line of defense between regular old cheese and the exquisite, palate-affecting, culturally-significant cheeses that transform our society. Our protagonist, a maverick of sorts in the cheese world, goes up against the icy cold un-feeling demeanor of a cheese baron from Switzerland and the battle ensues.
  2. Some Kind of Wonderful Cheese: She’s a cheese-leader whose popularity is unrivaled. He’s a loner musician who dreams of someday getting to taste her cheese. Will they ever get together and melt? Not if our loner’s best friend (who secretly loves his cheese for better or worse) is honest about what she feels.
  3. Memento Cheese: He’s got something he’s searching for. An answer to a puzzle that plagues him. Before long, the truth will come out and he will finally realize that it’s his grandmother’s old cheese (a memento of sorts) that holds the secret to his life. But who can he trust and will he ever secure the memento of cheese he seeks?
  4. Alien Cheese: When a broken down spaceship finds themselves marooned on a far away planet, their first goal is to simply get back home. But when they uncover a wheel of alien cheese, everything changes for the worse. Their fates and their survival…are now all in question.
  5. The Shining Cheese: It glows. It shines. It kills. Well, at least it causes people to become insane, then kill, all the result of being subjected to the shining cheese for months on end. A family will struggle to survive as the cheese influences all.
  6. Touch of Evil Cheese: While almost as scary as previously mentioned movies about killer cheese (see Alien Cheese and The Shining Cheese), this film is pure and simple about the touch of evil cheese. Once touched by the evil of the cheese and there’s no turning back. You’ll be evil. Because of the evil cheese. Did I mention there’s no turning back?
  7. The Apartment Cheese: While normal house cheese in one thing, this movie involves the worst kind of cheese around: the apartment cheese. Having sat in a fridge for months on end, the reveal of the apartment cheese will not only affect the lives of all who reside in the apartment complex, but cause hilarity to ensue based on simple miscommunication.
  8. Back to the Future Cheese: A teenage rebel striving for his dream to become a professional cheese-maker uses a time machine to retrieve future versions of cheese so that he can succeed today. But like everyone knows, when you bring future cheese into present day — the entire dairy world can implode upon itself, as it does in this exciting culinary time travel dairy film.
  9. Stand By Me Cheese: A British film that takes place in the poor part of the UK, and follows the stories of a group of down-and-out friends desperate to make a difference. Along the way the four friends will realize that not only does friendship matter the most in life, but so does standing by one’s cheese (as a metaphor). The classic line from this movie, which will most likely be repeated for decades is: “Wot do ya mean, mate? Just stand by me cheese!”
  10. Bringing Up Baby Cheese: A classic from the B&W days, this film stars former President Ronald Reagan as a man who thinks a block of cheese is an actual living, breathing child. Hilarity ensues when his relationship begins to fall apart when his girlfriend feels overshadowed and ignored because of the block of cheese. Sometimes, people need to choose and that’s just what our beloved Republican President will have to do!

Mel Gibson: The Cover-Up Continues

You may or may not have heard about this yet.

But the Cliff Notes’ version is that Mel Gibson was arrested for driving almost double the speed limit over the weekend in Malibu, CA while intoxicated — and while being carted away for his DWI, he decided it would be the perfect time to try and escape, start hurling anti-semetic comments at officers and even say sexually-explicit comments to female officers at the police station. Above all, not the smartest thing for a Hollywood actor skating on the thin-ice of the star-system.

But there’s more to the story that even the papers have yet to report (which was leaked to me late last night from a close friend who lives in Malibu) which has convinced me that the massive Mel Gibson cover-up continues…