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January 25th, 2007
[An explosion rocks a city street. Man #1 narrowly averts the blast, falling to the ground. Man #2 runs to his side.]
Man #2: “Are you OK!?”
Man #1: “I… I…”
Man #2: “Look at me! FOCUS! Are you OK?”
Man #1: “Wha-? What happened?”
Man #2: “That oil refinery plant just exploded! It blew you thirty feet in the air and you landed here. I saw everything! Are you OK?”
Man #1: “I… I think so.”
Man #2: “What do you mean, you think so?”
Man #1: “I mean, I think so. I’m not 100% sure, but I’m pretty sure.”
Man #2: “Are you bleeding?”
Man #1: “Doesn’t look like it. Do you see any blood?”
Man #2: “No. No blood.”
Man #1: “But I could have internal injuries, right?”
Man #2: “Do you hurt…inside?”
Man #1: “Sometimes, when I feel alone. Yes.”
Man #2: “NO. Do you have any internal injuries that you can feel?”
Man #1: “I don’t think so.”
Man #2: “So, you’re OK then.”
Man #1: “I think so.”
Man #2: “Can you just commit and tell me that for sure, 100%, you’re OK so I can go?”
Man #1: “I’m not sure, though. Not 100%. What if I say I’m 100% sure I’m okay and then suddenly I die. If I keep you here and then I suddenly take a turn for the worse, at least you’ll be here to help me.”
Man #2: “So…you being unsure that you’re 100% OK is more a needy thing than anything else?”
Man #1: “Yeah. So I’m needy. Sue me.”
[Man #2 sighs. Man #1 winces. Somewhere else, another EXPLOSION rocks the city street and Man #3 is blown to within feet of Man #1 and Man #2.]
Man #2: “OH MY GOD. Are you okay?”
Man #3: “I..I.. I think so.”
Posted under Excerpts. | 5 Comments »
December 22nd, 2006
[A woman sits at a sushi bar, alone. She is WOMAN SITTING AT SUSHI BAR. She is somewhat attractive, but not too attractive or else why would she be sitting alone at a sushi bar, thus her character name. She sits opposite the SUSHI CHEF who does her bidding.]
WOMAN AT SUSHI BAR: “That was a wonderful spicy tuna hand roll. Thank you.”
SUSHI CHEF: [Incoherent phrases in another, hard to decipher language.]
WOMAN AT SUSHI BAR: “I’m sorry?”
SUSHI CHEF: [Incoherent phrases in another, hard to decipher language.]
WOMAN AT SUSHI BAR: “Oh, um — did you ask me if I wanted more water?”
SUSHI CHEF: [Incoherent phrases in another, hard to decipher language.]
WOMAN AT SUSHI BAR: “Shehblahblah, what?”
SUSHI CHEF: [Incoherent phrases in another, hard to decipher language.]
WOMAN AT SUSHI BAR: “Excuse me?”
SUSHI CHEF: [Incoherent phrases in another, hard to decipher language.]
WOMAN AT SUSHI BAR: “Salmon?”
SUSHI CHEF: [Incoherent phrases in another, hard to decipher language.]
WOMAN AT SUSHI BAR: “Can I just have another spicy tuna roll?”
SUSHI CHEF: [Incoherent phrases in another, hard to decipher language.]
WOMAN AT SUSHI BAR: “Um, thanks.”
Posted under Excerpts, Sushi. | 7 Comments »
November 29th, 2006
Lights up on a Liquor store.
A MAN walks in, approaching the CLERK. He holds out a shiny quarter.
Man: “Hey, can I get two dimes and a nickel for a quarter?”
Clerk: “For what?”
Man: “Um, gotta make a call.”
Clerk: “Calls cost a quarter these days.”
Man: “Oh. Um, it’s for the meter outside.”
Clerk: “Meters take quarters.”
Man: “Can I just get two dimes and a nickel, please?”
Clerk: “I ain’t just makin’ change for no reason whatsoever. What’s the reason?”
Man: “I like dimes. And nickels.”
Clerk: “Nobody likes dimes or nickels. There’s no reason for ‘em. No more, at least.”
Man: “I’m going to the dime store, okay?”
Clerk: “Wrong decade.”
Man: “I’m buying a dime a dozen?”
Clerk: “Nope.”
Man: “Nickel slots?”
Clerk: “This is Los Angeles. Not Vegas.”
Man: “Shoot.”
Clerk: “Yeah. See you.”
The MAN exits.
Lights out.
Posted under Excerpts, Money. | 17 Comments »
November 4th, 2006
Lights up.
A husband and wife sit across from each other at a table — the husband stares at the side of a box of cereal.
Husband: “Since when is three-quarters of a cup a serving of cereal?”
Wife: “Since forever, dear. That’s why the country is so obese — they don’t eat just a serving of cereal, they eat four servings of cereal.”
Husband: “So then they should make four servings of cereal one serving of cereal then I could just eat one serving of cereal but get more cereal per serving than ever before.”
Wife: “No human needs that much cereal.”
Husband: “I do! I’m no bird or French person for that matter, chewing twenty times and tasting tiny morsels in my mouth. I’m a man. When I’m done eating a bowl of cereal I want the inside edges of my stomach lining to be hurting from the pressure of soggy cereal and chocolate-flavored milk.”
Wife: “That’s exactly why a serving of cereal is three-quarters of a cup.”
Husband: “I’m going to write a letter.”
Wife: “Knock yourself out.”
Lights out.
Posted under Cereal, Excerpts, Food and Drink. | 13 Comments »
October 31st, 2006
(From Page 12, Paragraphs 2 through 4)
“Southern hemisphere countries such as Brazil, Paraguay, Uruguay, Bolivia and Chile all have substantial pumpkin crops that are exported to the United States for Halloween, but surprisingly none of these crops (on average) are great. Most pumpkins from the geographical region are under-sized, shriveled at times, and come with seeds inside that are not worthy of cooking on a baker’s sheet to create the great American snack of toasted pumpkin seeds. But ask foreign ambassadors of agriculture from the regions if they think their pumpkin exports are “great” and you’ll get a response that neither answers the question or officially claims any greatness whatsoever. It’s no wonder, then, that the United States is faced with a problem of pumpkin greatness that Charles Schultz plunged us into in 1966 upon the premiere of his unrealstic representation of pumpkin picking — “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.”
Then what of the agriculture situation here in the United States? With global warming becoming worse with each progressing decade, the pumpkin patches in the Northern hemisphere have dwindled over the years. A 1999 research grant gave the Ministry of Agriculture the funds to see just how fast such residential pumpkin patches were in a decline and the results confirmed just that. Since 1999, the relative amount of pumpkin patches in residential areas (on corners, in vacant lots, outside commercial real estate) has declined alongside the amount of “great” pumpkins being produced in agriculture regions of the United States. That is, each year the United States has to rely on outside suppliers (i.e. other countries) for their pumpkins in an attempt to convince the American public that there are still “great” pumpkins to be had. Sadly, the reality is that the chance of buying a great pumpkin in 2003 is more fairy tale than reality.
A recent agricultural symposium held in Boise, ID and attended by the world’s most significant experts on the subject of “great pumpkins” tackled the question: ‘Will the U.S. see any more great pumpkins in the next decade?’ The answer was addressed by U.S. Customs & Border Protection’s Agriculture Specialist, Frank L. Selders who said, ‘It’s no longer a question of IF there’s any more great pumpkins being grown — it’s a question of where will we find them. The Border Protection staff continues to monitor plants and vegetables coming over the Mexico/U.S. border but in two years of increased security check-points we have only come in contact with shrimpy pumpkins, deformed pumpkins and the kind that smell like cheese. Sadly, a decade from now we will not be wondering if there are any great pumpkins but rather where they have all gone.’”
Posted under Charlie Brown, Excerpts, Great Pumpkins, Halloween, Thesiseses. | 11 Comments »
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