Words For My Enjoyment

Aw, I feel bad for FOX’s Prison Break.

What was a pretty kick-ass show in its first season has quickly become the equivalent of a “shaggy dog story” (a story that goes on and on with no real end in sight, and then when the end comes it’s laughable) with its twisting plot lines and overly dramatic plot points. And apparently, besides people watching it for pretty-boy Wentworth Miller, there really isn’t much more of a reason to watch it…until now.

I give you Prison Break: The Drinking Game.

The rules are simple. Get some alcohol. (Disclaimer: WFME does not condone underage drinking, unless you can do it legally, with the purchase of an illegal ID that makes you suddenly legal enough to buy alcohol. WFME also does not encourage people to drink in excess, as it makes you dehydrated and that doesn’t feel so good.) Now that you’ve got some alcohol, here are the times you’ll have to take a swig while watching the show:

• One drink everytime Wentworth Miller says, “Damn!”
• Two drinks everytime someone runs anywhere for no reason whatsoever.
• One drink whenever a convict on the run uses an everyday household item (bar stool, bathroom pipe, cake tin, fireplace poker, et al) to attack someone in their own home.
• Three drinks everytime Wentworth Miller squints.
• The first player to call out a moment where a death will not be fully realized due to a commercial break, may make two other people drink twice.
• One drink everytime anyone says, “But we just don’t have time!”
• A shot of hard liquor everytime a car chase happens on a dusty plain, nowhere near civilization or people whatsoever.
• A drink everytime the FOX announcer says, “Stay tuned for MORE Prison Break,” only to wait around for more Prison Break and to get nothing but commercials and a quick “next week on” teaser.
• One drink anytime someone mentions the name “Lincoln Burrows.”
• Two drinks anytime someone asks Lincoln Burrows if he’s Lincoln Burrows.”
• Three drinks anytime Lincoln Burrows steals a Lincoln car, then crashes it into a ravine.
• One shot of hard liquor anytime icky pedophile Theodore Bagwell eyes a child.
• Two shots of hard liquor anytime a body part of Bagwell’s gets destroyed beyond all belief (i.e. hand cut off, eye swollen, et al). Basically, the more he begins to look like a walking zombie, the drunker you’ll get.
• Three shots of hard liquor everytime you say to a fellow-viewer, “They have to eventually escape and survive this, don’t they?”

If you follow these rules to a T and watch Prison Break tonight, you’ll be sure to accomplish two things by the end of the hour. One, you’ll be drunk. And two, all the annoying parts of the show won’t matter much anymore to you since, well, you’ll be drunk.

Enjoy.