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Ten Rules for Eating At That Chinese Food Donut Hybrid Restaurant

April 21st, 2007

  1. If they spell “doughnut,” donut — eat the Chinese food instead.
  2. If said restaurant adds unneeded adjectives to either food type (i.e., OK Donuts, Faster Donuts, Happy Donuts, Wacky Chinese Food) — expect the complete opposite.
  3. Never expect quality from the food item listed second on the marquee. It was an obvious afterthought and the establishment has used questionable technological workarounds in order to be able to create said afterthought food item.
  4. Colors matter. Signs that include orange, red and green are to be avoided. Blacks, blues and whites — you’re okay to go.
  5. A spinning sign advertising the hybrid food restaurant is to be embraced. If they’ve put the money into a moving sign, they’re probably purchased an actual doughnut making machine instead of throwing raw doughnut dough into the orange chicken pan.
  6. If the sign has an artist’s rendering of a doughnut or chinese food container and it doesn’t look like a doughnut or chinese food container — steer clear. Anyone who thinks a drawing of a food item will drive traffic and customers is sorely wrong and attempting to make up for something.
  7. In reference to the previous “adding adjective to food type” rule — if said sign is split into two signs (i.e., one says Donuts and the other is the adjective), it’s obvious the adjective sign was added later, in an attempt to convince people that yes, these donuts are faster, stronger, and more intelligent. It’s a bad bad sign.
  8. Flourescent window signs that proclaim “I Heart Donuts” or “Hot Hot Hot!” mean you should eat the Chinese Food. Flourescent window signs that proclaim “Moo Shoe Porked Now!” or “Eggroles” mean you should eat the doughnuts.
  9. If the clerk of said hybrid restaurant, upon your entering the establishment, says something like, “Hello my friend would you like to partake in a wonderful taste experience for your taste buds!” Leave. Quickly.
  10. If a Carls’ Jr./Green Burrito or El Pollo Loco/Foster’s Freeze moves into your neighborhood to try to force out your local Chinese Food Donut Hybrid — always stick with the little guy. He’s gonna need your help.

Posted under Chinese Food, Donuts, Doughnuts, Ten Rules. | 9 Comments »