Excerpts From Dick Cheney’s Children’s Bedtime Stories (Publishing Date, Fall ‘07)
February 14th, 2007
“…and little Goldilocks tasted the first porridge and it was too cold. And then she tasted the second porridge and it was just too hot. And the third bowl of porridge? Can you guess what Goldilocks thought when she tasted it? No, it was also too cold but even though the porridge and the beds provided unliveable conditions, Goldilocks had friends who could re-make the food, and re-build the beds, and if she made sure they got the jobs to do such work…she would be well taken care of…”
“And I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down,” screamed the wolf to the pigs. On the inside, the pigs stood strong. This was their home. They weren’t going to let some windbag wolf destroy everything they’d worked for their entire life. They built this house to withstand simple gale force winds! And so the three little pigs hunkered down and yelled back to the evil old wolf to go ahead and do his best. To go ahead and blow all he wanted because they weren’t going anywhere. And so the wolf blew and he blew…and he blew their entire house down, destroying everything in one full swoop. The pigs, of course, learned that when someone as powerful as a wolf gives you a chance to surrender, you do it before he destroys your entire home and pillages your natural resources.”
“And Jack’s mother was horrified, sending him to bed without any supper. For how had he been so stupid? Buying those magic beans with all the money they had? And without consulting her in the first place? Buying magic beans with your own money is one thing, but when there’s other people who get lumped into your decision-making process simply by association or because they happen to be right there next to you, like Jack’s mother — well, it not only makes the magic bean buyer look stupid, but it also makes the guy, er, mother — look stupid too. So the moral of the story is you don’t ever buy magic beans with money that isn’t yours, especially if your mother told you in the first place to take that money, make it disappear through other secret channels, then use it in the way you originally planned without ever getting caught in the first place.”
