Words for My Enjoyment

Why My Funeral Will Be So Much Better Than Yours

November 20th, 2005

If you were to line up the list of activities at your (future) funeral against the list of activities at my (future) funeral, it would be obvious to the rest of the world that your funeral will so suck more than mine.

This primarily has to do with you going the “safe route” once again, even after you’ve died. You and the flowers and the open casket and the soft lilting music and the somber, sad speeches. It’s like one big yawn in one big room in one big moment.

But my funeral? Kick ass.

Posted under Death, Me, Pirates, Stream of Consciousness. | 32 Comments »

Death Bed Lines I Hope To Have

October 29th, 2005

Who knows where I’ll be when I take that last final breath.

But when I do, whenever it may be and no matter my current state of mind, I would like to officially announce to the higher power at this moment, that this is my list of sayings I would like him to consider allowing me to have as my last words. I know that by requesting such a thing I may still not be granted it, but like they always say about requesting your last words — if you don’t ask, no one knows you’re asking, and then since you didn’t ask…well, no one knows that the askage was going on.

Posted under Death, Sayings. | 8 Comments »

I May Appear Dead, But I’m Not

September 27th, 2005

Look at me.

Are you looking at me? Laying there on the floor next to that sewing machine? No, I don’t know why I’m laying next to the sewing machine but can you see that my chest isn’t moving? No, not moving at all. Lean in closer. Put a mirror in front of my mouth to see if there’s any breath. There’s not? No breath, no chest movement, no nothing?

Voila! I am so good.

Pretending to be dead isn’t something you can just decide to do like you decide to take out the garbage or take up a hobby like knitting or old record cover collecting. Pretending to be dead is a skill that takes years of practice and decades to perfect if only for one very important aspect of the “I’m really dead, I swear” process.

Posted under Death, I Could Be, Pretending. | 20 Comments »