Making Obituaries Fun

There’s a reason obituaries are stuck in the back pages of your local papers.

Plain and simple, it’s because obituaries (at their core) are extremely boring, depressing, and lack any kind of creative pizazz you’d want from something fun. Obituaries are like funerals in that they’re somber and take themselves way too seriously. Even obituary writers, as I’ve been told, wish there was a way out of the deady doldrums (as obituary writers have dubbed them), yet their editors refuse to let them have the creative freedom they dream of each and every day.

But if people would just open their minds, they’d find that there were simple ways to make obituaries fun.

Death of the Piggy Back Ride

Dead and gone, people.

Because no matter how much you plead, no matter how much you cite musical montages from your favorite movies, no matter how much you try to convince your partner how much fun they really can be…

No matter how light you are and no matter how strong your friend’s back may be and no matter how much alcohol you’ve both just consumed…

…the Piggy Back Ride is dead.

When did it happen? How did it occur? Why did a world full of happy-go-lucky people suddenly wake up, turn around and tell us to stop trying to jump up on their backs? When did the romantic piggy back ride become extinct? When did it suddenly turn from a carefree sign of wild fun and turn into the most “uncool back-riding hobby of the 21st Century?”

If I Lost My Left Foot In A Tragic Skiing Accident That Involved A Bear, Two Explosive Devices And A Leaf Blower

If you’ve seen Final Destination then you know what an elaborate accident is.

But even if you haven’t, you’ve probably imagined the myriad of elaborate ways you may or may not die when your time comes. Your visual may involve water or peanuts or brown paper bags… Your imagination might take hold and put you in a scenario involving a mob boss, a ziploc bag and a South American rhino.

For me — it often involves losing my left foot in a tragic skiing accident that involves a bear, two explosive devices and a leaf blower.

I Worry The Police Who Find My Dead Blogging Body Will Not Leave A Good Enough Eulogy Post On This Site

People have been blogging long enough now for death to set in.

That’s why every time I come across the somber sight of someone’s front page of their blog affixed with one of those “so-and-so died, he/she valued all of you readers and please send flowers” posts…I just start worrying about the fact that if I were to die and the authorities found my body, that I’m not entirely convinced they could brainstorm, craft, create, categorize, upload a graphic and publish the content to my high-watermark values.

Sadly, I worry that the police who find my dead blogging body will not leave a good enough eulogy post on this site.

I Refuse To Go To Your Funeral, Stranger

You may hate me for saying this.

You may become disgusted and horrified and completely frustrated with my opinions here today. You may want to fashion a voodoo doll of sorts with my sparklingly-attractive head-shot (that has obviously been photoshopped) and stick pins in my nether region because of the opinion I want to share with you here today.

But it cannot stop me from telling you that if I happened to go down in a plane crash with a bunch of strangers and we all landed on, oh I don’t know, a desert island or something and you died — I would refuse to go to your funeral.

Here’s why…