I Feel Bad For Masseuse Daters

You think dating a stripper is bad?

Worse than dating a stripper is dating a masseuse. At least when you’re dating a stripper, while you may not want to ask said stripper to strip for you (thereby asking her to work even AFTER she’s already left work), at least when she takes off her clothes she’s still stripping. And while she may not be doing it to music, she is still stripping. So then, when your friends ask if your stripper girlfriend strips for you, you can say that yes. Yes she does.

But people who date masseuses? I just feel bad for them.

Found: Ed Norton’s List of Dating Do’s & Don’ts

DO
Open the car door
Compliment her eyes/hair/clothing
Tip waitress and busboys well
Ask questions
Be interested
Order for her
Be emotional, show heart
Talk about books, culture, global warming
Dress well, iron shirt
Respect her physically

DON’T
Mention hooking up with Charlize Theron
Show off your multiple-personality impression from ‘Primal Fear’
Bring your Oscar to dinner, like last time
Let DeNiro call and give you talking points
Put bread in her water glass and pretend it’s a brain stem
Call the valet “Paco”
Fly her anywhere in a helicopter
Make her talk in an English Accent
Advise her to ‘suck from the teet of Norton’ in case this is the last date
Tell her that the ‘first rule of sleeping with Ed Norton’ is ‘you DON’T TALK ABOUT sleeping with Ed Norton’

Today’s Hypothetical Question

Let’s say you had this friend.

And let’s say this friend was desperately in love with this girl, who happened to be his girlfriend. And let’s say one day you were going to pick up a video at Blockbuster Video and on your way in you noticed the same girl sitting in a Mercedes Benz in the parking lot. And let’s say the Mercedes Benz wasn’t your friend’s car. And let’s say you hid behind a trash bin so you could get a better look and noticed that your friend’s girlfriend was totally macking out with some other guy. And let’s say your first instinct was to just call up your friend right then and there and tell him what was going on. But then let’s say that your second instinct was, “he’s not going to believe me, I’d better take a picture with my cell phone first…” And then let’s say you snuck up right up next to the car with the cell phone and creeped up so you could snap a picture. And let’s say the window to the passenger side door of the Mercedes Benz was open a crack and so the “automated-snap” sound alerted your friend’s girlfriend and she stopped macking out and turned to look to see what was outside the window. And let’s say that your friend’s girlfriend saw you and suddenly got really really worried. And let’s say that your friend’s girlfriend got out of the car and said something like, “Oh please Paul… (just putting my name in here for hypothetical purposes, FYI) …please don’t tell so-and-so that you saw me.” And let’s say that you told her you didn’t know what to do because so-and-so was your best friend and you’d only known her for like ten months. And let’s say that’s right about the time your best friend’s girlfriend said, “well, we COULD get to know each other even better if you want…” And let’s say you didn’t know what to do so you said something like, “I can’t deal with this right now but I don’t know what I’m going to do…” And let’s say that was right around the time you left and rented your video and then went home.

Would you tell your friend and what would you…hypothetically say?

I Have Come Up With An Equation That Will Solve All Your Relationship Problems

x + 2y
——–
z – 1

Where x equals total number of relationships you ended
Where y equals number of times you said “I Love You”
Where z equals your current age

The numerical answer you come up with must be 1 or less to continue striving for romance. If your result is more than the number 1, common wisdom suggests you stop pursuing any romance altogether as you’ve failed way too many times already.

Hope this has helped.

WFME Helps Out The Ladies

There seems to be a growing problem out there in dating-land.

Everywhere you look there are single women second-guessing themselves. Reading books and magazines to try and help them land that dream guy they’ve always been looking for. Trying exercise, special creams and candles that smell like a hybrid of coconut and flower petals. And don’t even get me started on the how-to books and “the rules.”

That’s why, for one day only, WFME will help out the ladies.

There’s an oft-forgotten secret of male & female relations when it comes to dating that we here at WFME would like to remind you of. It’s not about flowers or waiting three days to call someone or driving a nice car or having a particular job or wielding power in a corporate environment or even being the ruler of a small country with a large army.