Words For My Enjoyment

There’s cream cheese and then there’s cream cheese.

Ask most people who are currently toasting up an onion bagel what they want on their onion bagel and nine times out of then they’re going to tell you “cream cheese.” No, they won’t suggest what kind, what fat-content type, what consistency, what brand, or even what flavor. They’ll just assume that any cream cheese is fine for a toasted onion bagel, which happens to be the most short-sighted cream cheese decision making process ever.

But if I was your cream cheese concierge? We’d fix that all up.

When I tell people that I could be their cream cheese concierge, their first question is always, “Okay, but what kind of experience do you have?” In fact, the question of experience level has been thrown at me so often, that I worked up a resume that I simply shove in their face so there’s no more doubt hovering around us. And once said questioners see my resume and experience in the world of cream cheese concierge-ing, they usually swallow any and all doubt.

2003 TO PRESENT
Cream Cheese Concierge – Various Locations

• Advise clients and individuals in the bi-weekly decision making process regarding bagels, cream cheese and additional accessories related to/for a cream cheese scenario.
• Acted as a consultant for various Fortune 500 companies involved in Friday “Bagel Days” in which multiple cream cheese containers were required to be purchased for bagel slathering.
• Held local debates with city political and religious leaders to promote understanding among citizens in regards to the full-fat cream cheese vs. low-fat cream cheese debate.
• Available for personal consultations with those requiring advice on cream cheese choices.

1998 TO 2002
Cream Cheese Supermarket Analyst – Los Angeles, CA

• Spent hours in the dairy section, observing trends and making complicated analysis regarding such trends.
• Participated in local food polls involving more than 100 cream cheese consumers in an attempt to determine desires in the diary whipped bagel slathering market.
• Interviewed those at the managerial level to determine how coupons and in-store promotions affect the trends of cream cheese buyers.

1994 TO 1997
Noah’s Bagels Regular Customer – Los Angeles, CA

• Purchased and tasted multiple cream cheese flavors at local bagel eatery.
• Ingested three, sometimes four types of bagels in one sitting in an attempt to act as a liaison between cream cheeses and actual bagel production.
• Named “Best Customer 1995″ by local Noah’s managerial staff.

But if the resume isn’t enough for those eagle-eyed, suspicious cream cheese eaters — a simple afternoon with yours truly (charged by the hour, of course) is all anyone needs to realize the huge benefits one can attain by employing a cream cheese concierge.

Simply put: the huge volume of bagel flavors (over 40) and the huge volume of cream cheese types/flavors (over 25) provide over 1,000 possible combinations in which to partake. Yet, let me be bold here and tell you that all of these so-called 1,000 combinations are NOT necessarily pleasing to the palate. In fact, if I could be your cream cheese concierge, I would inform you that there are (in actuality) about 421 disgusting combinations of bagel type/cream cheese type…some of which include:

• Toasted Salt Bagel & Strawberry Cream Cheese
• Cinnamon Raisin Bagel & Lox Cream Cheese
• Toasted Sesame Seed Bagel & Jalapeno Cream Cheese
• Garlic Cheese Bagel & Low-Fat Blueberry Cream Cheese
• Wheat Bagel & Non-Fat Garlic Cream Cheese

And as your cream cheese concierge, I would probably tell you that such a list still leaves approximately 416 other noxious combinations — some of which you might potentially choose if you were on your own, in a big intimidating bagel shop, without anyone by your side to help you.

That’s where I could come in.

Whether or not you think hiring a cream cheese concierge is a necessity, of course, will be your decision to make. Whether or not you consider putting stomach-churning combinations into your intestines a life-shortening scenario is something you’ll have to decide on your own. Whether or not you approach each meal as your last (which would necessitate making sure said last meal was as pleasing as possible) is an approach you will have to either adopt or disregard.

But if you embrace my skills, I could totally help you out.

As your cream cheese concierge.