Today’s Prognosis on Balloon Animals

There’s a reason why America is falling behind the rest of the world.

There’s a reason why the children of the United States are often less educated, more oblivious, extremely stupid, fantastically fantasy-driven, unrealistic, unmotivated and completely uninterested in bettering themselves for the betterment of a better country, better-or-not.

And it can all be traced to balloon animals.

Go to a birthday party in America and tell me what you see. Children, wide-eyed, staring vacantly at clowns and other silly adult-like figures turning their faces red (and potentially giving themselves hernias) as they try to blow air into a long, narrow piece of rubber. Gazing, almost trance-like, as stupid adults twist and turn the rods of colorful death (as I like to call them) into a limited list of six very uninspiring, uncreative, unmotivational objects that include (and ARE limited to):

Non-Scary Clown Moment #45

The clown stared at the man behind the counter. He slid him a variety of items. Balloons and cupcakes and candles and make-up remover. The man behind the counter looked up at the clown, dressed to the nines in typical clown-wear.

It was a stare-down. Plain and simple.

“You a clown?” the clerk wondered.

The clown had heard this before. He had been faced with these moments throughout his life.

“Yes. I am a clown,” the clown replied.

“Cool,” said the clerk.

“Thanks for being so cool to me, being a clown and all,” said the clown.

“I like clowns,” said the clerk. “They make me happy.”

Meet The Real American Clown

You can imagine my surprise and chagrin when I was contacted yesterday evening by a professional clown. He had seen my intention of doing the WFME “Week Day of Clowns” and wanted to make sure that this wasn’t going to be a clown-bashing event. Apparently, and I had never known this, clowns are made fun of more than any minority in this country.

The reason we don’t see it, is because “laughter is blind to the clown’s struggle for equal opportunity perception.”

When I gave my “anonymous clown contact” the lowdown on this week’s today’s hilarity surrounding those “crazy-make-up’d silly looking bastards,” he wanted the opportunity to share some information about the real plight of clowns worldwide.

What could I say? I had to at least hear him out.

And so, without further delay, my interview with “Bubblehead Benny” and his tiny toy dog “Scrumptious.” Please be aware, this interview has been edited for content, length and humor.

WFME’s Week Day Of Clowns

It is almost five months in the making.

Starting tomorrow and running through Friday the end of tomorrow will be the First Annual WFME’s Week Day Long Tribute to Clowns. That means each and every day tomorrow and tomorrow only, WFME will treat you to insights and thoughts about the funny men and women of our world who cake on white make-up, put on a red nose, and sometimes cram themselves into little tiny cars.

May our souls get out alive.