Today’s Prognosis on Your Unwashed Jeans

I know you love your jeans.

In fact I know you love your jeans because you wear them everyday, and upon seeing you wearing them everyday you make particular mention of how much you love your jeans, how hard they were to find, and how when you find something that fits you this good how can you ever give them up for another lesser pair of denim pantalones. And sure, that’s a wonderful thing…

…until people find out you never wash them.

Whatever you do, you can’t call me a dirty jean racist. In order to call me a dirty jean racist you’d have to catch me saying horrible things about your dirty jeans like “they smell like ass” or “they’ve literally absorbed so many of your skin oils that they’re sweating on their own without any bodily or brain-control whatsoever.”

Janie & Jack Hates Babystyle

Feuds color our world, it seems.

From next door neighbors to warring countries to Star Trek fans and Star Wars geeks — there are ideological battles being fought and won on a daily basis throughout our world. Surprisingly, however, the most violent of all feuds currently happening on this planet involves two baby retail stores called “Janie & Jack” and “Babystyle.”

This is a story about such a feud and my desire to fan the flames of discontent.

Today’s Intervention with Patrick Swayze

It’s obvious Mr. Swayze’s friends aren’t being honest with him.

I mean, who’s gonna be honest with Mr. Dirty Dancing himself? What friend of his is going to stand up to Mr. Road House? What assistant or agent or manager is going to actually give Mr. Point Break the honest feedback he needs, but will never get? When will his closest allies snap him out of this “time of his life” and wake him up to the reality of what he’s doing wrong?

An intervention with Patrick Swayze is on the menu for today.

Your Words About Abercrombie & Fitch

It’s not often that I quote WFME readers’ comments.

But over the past nine months after posting this piece in which I detail how I would live my life if I were an Abercrombie & Fitch model, I have realized that a satirical piece about the model-like A&F style and staff who work in the shopping mall-esque stores has hit a chord, across the board.

I would like to address some of those comments here today.

Above all, as I sifted through the comments on this particular post it became clear to me that beyond Iraq and Iran, that beyond the battle against terrorism, there is a class struggle going on between those who work at A&F stores and those who don’t. There’s a deep-rooted anger in the American psyche regarding this very issue. For example, see what Lance has to say, who is just plain fed-up with being considered so pretty:

The Pocket-Filler Factor

Do you believe in reincarnation?

If you do, like me, then you probably have no problem believing that a good portion of people walking around these days used to be kangaroos due to all the crap they carry around in their pockets. Then again, if you don’t believe in reincarnation, there’s only one other reason for people stuffing their pockets with everything from change to old receipts…

They’re mentally unbalanced pocket-fillers.