As someone based and working in Hollywood, I run into a lot of celebrities.

As someone working in Hollywood, I try my best not to talk about celebrities I run into or work with simply based on the fact that they’re people just like you and me. In fact, I’ve known many a celebrity to not wash their hands after going to the bathroom (just like you!) or steal a free bite from the pile ‘o apples at the local supermarket…just like you! But sometimes…an event occurs that I cannot keep quiet about.

This time…that event is my attending The Mike Myers Comedy School.

The Mike Myers Comedy School is something you can’t find in the yellow pages or the creative directory. It’s much like Los Angeles’ The Magic Castle — an exclusive locale that you can’t even get into unless you know someone. In the case of The Mike Myers Comedy School, I happened to know a comedian who used to write for SNL during the Mike Myers days who let me know that in preparation of Myers’ new movie The Love Guru he had decided to personally teach a one-day class to friends of friends.

I was desperate to learn from the great one (Myers)…so I got on the list.

There’s been a lot of negative press lately being written about Myers. About his egotistical attitude or his inability to see the forest from the comedy trees. Well, I’m here to tell you that all those people are simply jealous. Myers is a comedy genius who most others are jealous of. I mean, if you had created characters like Wayne & Garth and/or Austin Powers/Dr. Evil and made billions of dollars in the multiplexes, you’d better believe people are going to show up for the Mike Myers Bashing Party.

I spit on those people.

The Mike Myers Comedy School started at 5:45 am on this past Saturday morning. It was hosted in a large conference room at the Writers Guild of America, West offices in Hollywood. Upon walking in, all twelve of the attendees (I was one) are met by Myers-regular Verne Troyer (Mini Me) who (apparently) is responsible for getting everyone’s checks for the event (made out to Myers for $400). Yeah, it’s steep — but for that you don’t just get the class. Troyer hands each attendee a big bag (with The Love Guru logo on it) that included: all three Austin Powers DVDs, both Wayne’s Worlds on DVD, a DVD of So I Married An Axe Murderer and a free trial pass for NetFlix so you can order the rest of the Myers canon of films. In addition, everyone gets a rubber nose kit (sort of a costumey thing to help with creating characters) and a book of rhyming words (mole, pole, toll, hole, goal!). The book, in addition to the DVDs, was a gift the rest of us were laughing over as we waited for “The Great One” (which Troyer informs us we have to call Myers) to arrive.

At 9:15am, Myers walks into the room.

Fortunately, over the three and a half hour wait, the twelve of us got to know each other and talk to Troyer about why we love Myers so much. Myers, who seemed extremely friendly and genial upon his arrival, got up on a mini-stage kind of thing and gave us an intro speech about what comedy is. I happened to bring my iPhone so I was able to type some of it out so I wouldn’t forget. Here’s just a few of the gems Myers threw out to us during his opening “monologue”:

“Comedy isn’t about making people laugh. Comedy is about making people laugh at themselves.”

“There’s no such thing as romance in comedy. There’s comedy in romance, there’s drama in romance…but romance itself is never the main focus of anything…primarily based on the fact that most romances end up destroying and blackening ones’ soul.”

“The basis of all my comedy stems from what I like to call the too-big/too-small coefficient. If you are a giant or a dwarf, that is funny. If you are overly-egotistical or extremely self-conscious…that is funny. If your genitals are elephant-huge or cockroach-small? Hilarious.”

Once Myers was done giving us his speech laying out the basis for his comedy theories, he showed everyone a trailer for The Love Guru. He told us that now he was going to teach us (the friends of his friends) the easiest and most successful way to create our own quirky characters and to create an entire world around said characters…so that we could eventually write a movie starring said quirky characters and sell said movie and quirky character so that a movie would someday be made starring us as that character. The fake nose, said Myers, is the “key to becoming someone else, mostly because deep down everyone’s snot is different.”

I didn’t know what that meant, but I loved the fake nose.

At that point, Myers broke out a chart that I wish I had been able to take a picture of (but Troyer was watching us like a hawk). The chart basically had eighteen squares in three columns. At the top (and it looked like Myers had used this quite a few times for his own work) it was dubbed “The Character Creation Chart.” Myers told us that we were to pick one box for each column and those three boxes would create our quirky character for us. We were to pair up into teams of two and then try our creations out on our partners.

Between 9:30am and 11:30am, we did just that.

For my character, I chose the three boxes that included “Scottish Accent,” “Lives In Parents’ Basement” and “Drinks Nothing But Grape Juice.” The name I chose for my quirky character was “Scotty McJuicer.” My partner (whose name I will keep anonymous) chose the boxes “Angry & Bald,” “1970′s Porn Star” and “Head Too Big For His Body.” His quirky character, “Long John Picard” was pretty damn hilarious — he spoke with a British accent and was always falling over because of his lack of balance due to the huge head. I was a little jealous, but I soldiered on.

After lunch, when Myers had finished all his phone calls (he was doing some radio interviews we suspected for the opening weekend of the movie), we all presented our quirky characters to Myers. Among the group’s presentations we met a eunuch who loved Junior Mints, an Irish sniper with tourette’s syndrome named Misguided Mike, a voluptuous dental hygienist who drank nothing but grape juice, an angry & bald guy with a huge head who lived in his parents basement and plotted world domination and the crowning jewel of the day’s class: a Scottish secret agent whose alter ego is a well-endowed Irish secret agent always fighting with his inner self.

Myers was, needless to say, extremely impressed.

As the afternoon approached, Myers tweaked each of our characters as we presented them. Just a little bit, mind you — just to give the characters the “Myers Mold” he would say. For example, my creation of Scotty McJuicer wasn’t really Scottish after all…his backstory (that Myers gave me) was that he was obsessed with Star Trek’s Scotty! That added a whole new level to my character and a reason for his Scottish accent…and he even gave me a great line for my character to say when he was in dire situations and based on the fact that he lived in his parents always-flooding basement: “Beam me up…stairs!”

Myers went on to explain that every quirky character needs at least two very special sayings. From Austin Powers’ “behave” to Dr. Evil’s “one milllion dollars” to Wayne Campbell’s “party on” — everyone needs one or two. While I had already gotten mine (see above), the rest of the characters got theirs too. The funniest was the tag line for the eunuch who loved Junior Mints character, performed in a high-pitched voice: “Fresh as a testicle…and that ain’t from personal experience!!”

By 4pm, everyone had created a unique character at The Mike Myers’ Comedy School and developed great sayings and quotes for their creations. Myers had imparted upon us his comedic theories and even given us some great schwag to take away from the day. But before he closed us out, he gave us three bits of advice for writing the screenplay for the movie, starring our quirky character. Troyer allowed us to write them down, and so I am reprinting them here word for word:

1. Stealing a funny joke from someone else isn’t plagiarism, it’s flattery.
2. When you find yourself stuck in a hard place without a joke, mentioning testicles can always free you.
3. Funny accents are funny.

For a guy with such a lauded history of successes in the motion picture and television industry, I will embrace his teachings like the Bible. Or more, maybe.

In the end, my Saturday spent in The Mike Myers’ Comedy School was better than my Saturday in Driving School, better than the time I graduated from high school and far better than all those S.A.T. prep classes. At least I got something out of Myers’ Comedy School.

Two words: Scotty McJuicer.

I feel for Paris Hilton. Honestly.

It’s obvious to me the girl has been made an example in a world of celebrities skirting criminal and negligent charges on a weekly basis — and this whole back and forth of her being in prison is just a three ring circus for the media’s sake. That being said, her mysterious “medical condition” (the so called catalyst for letting her out in the first place) was revealed this past weekend: she wasn’t eating because she didn’t want to have to go to the bathroom and have guards take pictures of her on the can.

Well, today…I’m here to give Paris Hilton the best advice of her short-lived prison stay.

I’ve always been a huge proponent of bathroom stalls without any peep holes. I never liked bathroom stalls in public places that have the spaces under the door and on either side of the stall. I never liked coming in contact with a “door-jangler” — those people who assume for some strange reason that no one is in the stall (even though they are) and the fact that the door is locked must be some kind of mechanical problem. That is, they’ll keep trying to open the door, even though it seems locked.

It’s locked because someone is in it, you idiot.

But beyond my own issues with door-janglers and suspicious lock pullers, I wanted to give Paris some advice about her current “medical condition” and the reason for such a medical condition. Here’s the problem — Paris is on a spiral downward simply because she doesn’t want the guards to take pictures of her going to the bathroom. The only solution in Paris’ mind is that she shouldn’t eat. If she doesn’t eat, she won’t have to go, and no one can take unflattering pictures of her on the can. In a socialite’s mind, this seems to be the smartest way to approach the problem.

But I wholeheartedly disagree.

Having been in many public bathroom stalls with “chasms to the outside” (i.e. holes) — I have, much like the African Mogwani Pelican (who developed a new beak over time to catch small bugs in tiny tree holes), developed my own solutions to the problem at hand. Often, I travel with the largest section of the newspaper — which when opened, easily blocks anyone from seeing in or me seeing out. At the same time, I can catch up on the latest happenings in the world.

Yes, but will Paris have newspapers? I think not.

Being incarcerated will most likely limit Paris’ access to such things, although she will be permitted to read books. Books are bound. With string. And whether or not you knew it, each bound book contains enough string that if you laid each piece end to end, you’d have about forty-five feet of string in the end. Enough string to, let’s just say, bind together a ten by ten book wall of words that end up being even larger than a huge newspaper — and which, suspended from the ceiling, block any prying eyes from the business at hand.

Right, but does a person like Paris (who’s had everything done for her since day one), have the eye-hand coordination to execute such an elaborate project? Probably not. But does the girl have a mirror? Does the girl have lots of mirrors? Did you know that when you go to prison, they let you take mirrors?

Such a simple MacGuyverian concept, yet it’s probably escaped Paris.

Paris? Go ahead and eat. Eat carbs to your heart’s content. Then when the time comes that you need to do your thang, bring your largest mirror with you. Then if the guards decide they’d like to take pictures of you in an attempt to sell said pictures and leave their guard-job behind for greener pastures, just hold up the mirror (facing them) as they attempt to take those cell phone pictures. The mirror, of course, will reflect the image of the guards taking pictures of themselves. When they see the pictures they’ve nabbed, do you know what they’ll think to themselves?

“My god. It’s not full of stars.”

Meeeeaaaaning…they’ve just gotten a look at their own pitiful, celebrity-stalking selves. And who are they? Guards in a jail? Attemping to take pictures of a person in a cell? Doing their business?

That’ll take care of it once and for all.

Yes. You’re welcome.

DON’T
Mention hooking up with Charlize Theron
Show off your multiple-personality impression from ‘Primal Fear’
Bring your Oscar to dinner, like last time
Let DeNiro call and give you talking points
Put bread in her water glass and pretend it’s a brain stem
Call the valet “Paco”
Fly her anywhere in a helicopter
Make her talk in an English Accent
Advise her to ‘suck from the teet of Norton’ in case this is the last date
Tell her that the ‘first rule of sleeping with Ed Norton’ is ‘you DON’T TALK ABOUT sleeping with Ed Norton’

I was at lunch a week or so ago at Hugo’s and sat next to Cate Blanchett.

The amazing, adorable, sweet actress was there with her husband and two kids — visiting Los Angeles (I can only imagine) due to the shooting of Indiana Jones 4 which begins in the next 4 weeks. And while Cate and her family discussed what kinds of dessert they’d be ordering, I turned to look at her — thus using my inherent psychic abilities to hold a short non-verbal (but substantial) conversation using only facial expressions.

What you’ll read after “the jump” includes said conversation. Please be aware, since this is a psychic conversation, you can’t quote Cate or use her words in an unflattering way.

Me: [Eyebrow raise.] “Hi. Over here.”
Cate: [Furrowed brow.] “Uh… Huh! Who’s that?”
Me: [Head tilt, to the left.] “Over here. Next to you. Look to your left.”

[Cate looks to her left, I give her the eyebrow raise and the eye-ball widening.]

Me: [Extreme eyebrow raise and wink.] “Ah? Ah ha! Yeah. It’s me.”
Cate: [Extreme furrowed brow and squint.] “Um. Who are you?”
Me: [Smile.] “Paul Davidson. I’m sorry. I should have introduced myself first.”

[Cate looks at me since I'm staring at her, gives me a confused look, then looks away.]

Me: [Suck in cheeks, smile.] “Wait wait. I, um, just wanted to say you don’t look nearly as emaciated as all the tabloids are saying you look. In fact, good for you — you’re ordering ice cream sundaes!”
Cate: [Nods, smiling.] “Yeah, we promised the kids they could have some.”
Me: [Pretending to eat ice cream, rubbing stomach.] “I love ice cream. Yum.”

[Cate's husband notices the mugging, and turns to his wife...]

Cate’s Husband: [Furrowed brow.] “Who’s he?”
Cate: [Shrugs] “Some guy. Don’t know him.”
Me: [Nods] “Yeah, I was just saying-
Cate’s Husband: [Holds up fork, menacingly.] “Leave us alone.”
Me: [Surprised look} "What!?"
Cate: [Shakes head at husband.] “Oh, come on now. He’s harmless.”
Me: [Smiles] “See? Harmless.”
Cate’s Husband: [Puts down fork, smiles.] “Sorry.”
Me: [Nodding] “Tis ok.”
Cate: [Looks to children, motions for me to turn around.] “Nice to meet you.”
Me: [Quick wink] “You, too.”

Cate Blanchett and her family…well, they’re just tops in my book.

Never before have I had a facial-expression conversation like this with any celebrity before. Usually, celebs give you the [Scowl, look away] or the [Roll eyes, head tilt] — but not Ms. Blanchett.

I think it just goes to show you how classy she really is.

While WFME could go back through all our records and track Seth’s money making mojo to the classic 80′s film Can’t Buy Me Love, we’ll instead just provide these preliminary numbers for those searching for said referenced previously aforementioned monetary query:

Robot Chicken [Adult Swim]
As Exec Producer: $15,000 per episode
As Writer/Voice Actor: Standard SAG rates apply

Note: Since this is an Adult Swim/Cable program, salaries are less than normal network fare.

Family Guy [FOX]
As Voice Performer: $20,000 per episode

Four Kings [NBC] Cancelled
As Actor: $30,000 per episode

You may or may not have heard about Alec Baldwin’s threatening message to his 11 year old daughter, Ireland.

Whether or not you did, Baldwin’s been getting a lot of press in the last few days, calling him a horrible father and generally holding him over the fire. It’s yet another example of people in this country becoming even less tolerant of the words that others use to describe people. From Imus being fired off his radio show to Alec Baldwin’s telephone voice mail “rage” — it seems that people are going to have to find new ways of saying degrading things, without getting in trouble.

Today, WFME helps out Alec Baldwin — with new ways to call his daughter “a thoughtless little pig.”

First and foremost, if you’re Alec Baldwin and you’re involved in a constantly-annoying custody battle with your previously-hot wife Kim Basinger over your non-Irish 11-year old daughter Ireland, you’ve got to figure all your phone messages are going to be recorded. You’ve also got to figure that every once in awhile, when your daughter is supposed to answer your “court denoted daily phone call” that she’s not going to. She’s a teenager. What do you expect.

But calling her “a thoughtless little pig?” You’re just asking for bad press.

In today’s day and age, one has to come up with new degrading phrases that don’t sound degrading, just so one won’t get in trouble. At least for awhile one (like Alec Baldwin) could then use this replacement list of degrading phrases until Big Brother decides that they’re also degrading phrases, at which point WFME will step up and do what it’s always done to quell the one world Government…and offer up a whole ‘nother list of degrading-sounding phrases that can be used in mixed company.

So, Mr. Baldwin? Without further adieu — here are phrases you can now use (to replace “a thoughtless little pig”) while leaving messages for your annoying daughter without getting the press all pissed off:

• a garbage eating machine
• a simple-minded porkbelly
• a bacon-basted bore
• a breakfast burrito without the eggs, tomatoes, salsa or cheese
• a typical adolescent consumer buying into the hype
• a no-noer
• a bleepety-bleep bleep
• a orange fisted cow-tower
• an allegory wrapped up in toasty-browned breading
• a citizen of the land of piggyton

And these, my friends — are just the beginning. There are, literally, thousands of wonderful replacements for “a thoughtless little pig” that mean absolutely nothing to the media-machine, and which Alec Baldwin can slather upon his ungrateful little girl whenever he wants, without getting in trouble.

As always, however, WFME has one very important piece of advice for Mr. Baldwin which will, in the end, save him from this kind of embarrassment next time…

Those who leave voice mail messages usually, in the long run, are the ones who get nailed.

It seems that the more I live in Los Angeles, the more I realize that celebrities are just like you and me.

Perhaps it was hearing about how Jessica Biel loves to eat an entire package of Oreo’s without pausing to breathe at all. Or the fact that Tori Spelling loves to eat the hardened top of pudding and nothing else. Or that William Shatner, while working on the set of ABC’s Boston Legal enjoys loosening the screws on his fellow cast member’s director’s chairs and watching as they collapse to the ground when they sit on them.

The stories are endless, but the reality is finite: this week’s sightings prove that celebrities are just like you and me.

Last week at the Studio City public library, some keen eyes spotted Ashton Kutcher getting nabbed for drinking water and eating a protein bar, then proclaiming that said water and bar weren’t his to begin with. Then, when the librarian noticed chocolate smeared on Kutcher’s face, just like normal everyday people — he offered the librarian a thousand bucks to forget the whole thing! Which she did!

Or what about the recent sighting of Anne Heche in a local Whole Foods supermarket filling up a plastic bag with yogurt covered peanuts just like you and me!? And then, when Heche got up to the front counter and she hadn’t memorized the bin number for the cashier, she did something like most of us do in supermarkets! She threw a fit, shoveled a handful of the peanuts into her mouth and said (all garbled like): “Now howffh dofff you like myfffh peaaanuts!?”

And who could accuse 30 Rock‘s Tina Fey of being an “untouchable” celebrity, when New Yorkers spotted the actor/writer living out of a cardboard box on the city street “just for fun”? The SNL-er it seems set herself up with a cardboard box, replete with running water and electricity (and a buffet serving station) so she could experience just what it was like to be homeless. Crazy Feyer! Just like everyday hobos.

On the road, celebrities do the very same things you and I do. Driving on Los Angeles’ 405 freeway this week, some astute travelers noticed Pam Anderson‘s car had a broken tail light. Which, like any normal citizen without “special privileges”, the buxom blonde was pulled over by CHP and issued, yes you guessed it, a WARNING! And then, just like you and me, she was escorted by three police cars in the carpool lane (even though she had no passengers) to her manicure/pedicure appointment.

Gosh, that happens to me all the time.

A bunch of other tidbits from this week that prove my point so eloquently about celebrities being just like you and me. Did you know that Jennifer Garner eats walnuts without ever touching them with her hands (for fear of contaminating them)? Or that Sarah Jessica Parker wishes she could replace her hands with a hair-dryer and a curling iron to save time in the bathroom? Or that Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams (when they were together and in love) used to fake huge public arguments just so they could get on the cover of the ragmags…just like I often do (and like you often do) for fun when we’re out at fairs and parades? And what about Blair Underwood — moles talking to us in our little ear tell us that he loves to go food shopping in the deli section so he can get free samples of cheese!

Just like you and me.

It’s nice to know things are just and right in Hollywood.

Do you consistently ask yourself while watching the aforementioned show why you’re watching the show? Do you find yourself wondering how such a flimsy piece of entertainment has become a ratings powerhouse? Do you find yourself drawing the shades so your neighbors won’t see you watching? Or do you pontificate aloud about how all the other contestants must be seriously contemplating lopping off an arm, a leg or another significant body part in an attempt to compete with the buck-toothed, ex-McCartney lover with one leg?

Well, I do.

I’ve already talked about how Dancing With The Stars would be far more entertaining as Dancing With The Ailments — a show where one-legged, buck-toothed Heather Mills would no longer have the “poor-me” advantage since there’d be people like deaf Marlee Matlin and psychotic Courtney Love also tugging the audience’s heartstrings.

But unfortunately, that’s not the reality.

It seems as if Heather Mills and her fake leg are completely charming the live studio audience and the people of the World, as every simple leg manipulation becomes a reason to applaud. Here, let’s take a look at the difference between one dancing couple with four legs, and Heather Mills duo:

Regular Four-Legged Dancing Couple

• Steps on right foot, steps on left foot: No applause, that ain’t so amazing.
• Flips over partner’s back, upside down, lands on feet: Smattering of applause. Not bad.
• Does a split, then curls legs up over head and rolls in a ball, 360-degrees around the room: Lots of clapping, it’s like Cirque du Soleil

Heather Mills, Three-Legged Duo

• Walks: Wild applause, hooting and hollering.
• Bounces on fake leg for 3 seconds: Oohs, aahs, painted signs lifted in unison.
• Flips over partner’s back, upside down, lands on newly implanted bionic foot that allows spring-in-her-step: Clapping, wild applause, a mini-wave by the judges.

If I was Ian Ziering and I had to compete with someone who can change out her foot for a brand-new bionic foot every time she needs to be able to do a different style of dance, I would seriously chop off my own foot. If I was Ian Ziering and I had to seriously consider Heather Mills “competition” and watch as the audience applauded each time she…um…walked somewhere, I would hobble myself in an attempt to gain the audience’s love and affection.

This ain’t just about dancing, my friends — it’s about career resurrection.

That’s why Dancing With The Stars is unfair if you’ve got two good legs — because every time you do a good dance, it still ain’t ever gonna be as good as the lady with one leg, no matter how many bionic parts she adds to her Transformer-like torso each week…

For god’s sake — she’s only got one leg.

And it’s totally unfair.

While WFME’s previous imaginary conversations have been some of the greatest “gets” in the history of modern day journalism, today’s interview is one I’ve been dreaming of getting for years.

There’s been so much controversy over the last few years about Katie Holmes, her marriage to Tom Cruise, “their baby” Suri Cruise and whether or not Katie Holmes is happy about the arrangement. People have speculated about what’s really going on, and people have tried to assume they know what’s going on… But no one truly has gotten the real answer…until today.

Because today’s conversation is with Katie Holmes’ actual Scientology handler!

The conversation took place and was recorded via telephone, due to Scientology’s strict rules about not meeting the press (that’s WFME) in person, but I’d like to share some of the juicier bits of the interview here with you now:

Me: “Hi, and thank you so much for taking the time to talk to us here at WFME.”

Scientology Handler: “Katie is so glad to be talking with you here today.”

Me: “Oh! Is she on the phone, too?”

Scientology Handler: “No.”

Me: “Oh. Okay. So how does this work?”

Scientology Handler: “Just go ahead and ask Kate a question.”

Me: “But is she- How will she…if she’s not on the phone?”

Scientology Handler: “Go ahead, ask a question. You’ll see.”

Me: “Okay. So, Katie… The press continues to speculate that you’re growing increasingly frustrated with your marriage and the fact that Tom Cruise isn’t giving you any freedom to go after your first dream — acting. Is there any truth to that?”

Scientology Handler: “No. No truth at all. I’m extremely happy with my entire situation.”

Me: “Wait, is that Katie’s answer?”

Scientology Handler: “Yes.”

Me: “But I didn’t even hear her say anything… There wasn’t even a pause after I asked my question.”

Scientology Handler: “She doesn’t need time to think — she’s the happiest she’s ever been. People who need time to think of an answer related to their happiness are obviously not happy. Go ahead, ask her another question.”

Me: “Um… Katie? Are you excited about filming this new movie with Queen Latifah, MAD MONEY?”

Scientology Handler: “I’m excited that my husband Tom and my daughter Suri will be with me each and every day while I shoot the movie on location. I’m also extremely thankful that Tom is going to help the director Callie Khouri rewrite the script, remove that horrible shower scene, and generally improve the movie up to his standards.”

Me: “That’s Katie’s answer?”

Scientology Handler: “Yes — you didn’t hear her say that right next to me before I reiterated it?”

Me: “No.”

Scientology Handler: “Any other questions for Katie?”

Me: “Um, well… We all know Katie loves seeing movies. Katie, have you been allowed to get out and see films? Any favorites?”

Scientology Handler: “I don’t need to ‘go out’ to see movies. All my favorites are right here in my palatial Beverly Hills mansion. Did you ever see Rain Man? Classic.”

Me: “Katie’s not really next to you, is she?”

Scientology Handler: “No, she’s here.”

Me: “Can I hear her voice?”

Scientology Handler: “Hi, this is Katie. Okay, gottagonowI’llseeyoulaterthanks!”

Me: “That was you, pretending to be Katie.”

Scientology Handler: “Sooo… That’s all the time we have. Thanks!”

[Phone hangs up.]

Surprisingly, if you scan through the RSS Feed for the comments on WFME (located at the bottom of the sidebar) you’ll see a slew of comments that come in on a daily basis related to big heads, A&F, long toes, swallowing pills, eating crackers, and yes — even obessions with Kristy McNichol. I don’t judge people for their interests or concerns, and I’m glad that WFME provides a forum for people to discuss such concerns. Even when it’s about Sarah Michelle Gellar and the argument about whether or not she smokes cigarettes.

Fortunately for those people, my recent run-in with Freddie Prinze, Jr. will once and for all close the book on the debate.

You may or may not have ever read the saga that involved me and my old friend Freddie Prinze, Jr.. It started as a creative collaberation, then crumbled into a million pieces when he wouldn’t just SAY that we were best friends. Yes, just two words for a guy looking for something with meaning in a city so cold, it’s surprising the palm trees still survive. When that relationship failed, you can imagine how cold his wife Sarah Michelle Gellar became.

Weeks later, Sarah Michelle Gellar gloated on my answering machine and then snubbed me at a local sushi place…while smoking.

It was soon thereafter, that e-mails started to come into the WFME coffers, asking me to confirm or deny the truth that Gellar was smoking. Apparently, it’s an ultra-serious issue with her fans, and boards have been dedicated to finding out just if she IS smoking but lies about it or if she really is telling the truth and not smoking.

“I read your posts about the feud with Freddie Prinze’s wife Sarah Michelle Gellar with great facination. I was curious whether she smoked cigarettes when she was around you and Freddie? She seems to be overly protective about her public image and would never admit to being a smoker in public. So very curious whether some of the Internet stories about what she really does in provate might have some credence to it.”

“I just wanted to follow up with you from some earlier email conversations we had about Sarah Michelle Gellar. I just heard from a guy who does security detail for Sarah and he told me she chain smokes Marlboro Lights in private and goes out of her way to say she doesn’t smoke in interviews and magazine articles to prop up her image as someone who is clean and healthy. I also heard from another journalist in LA who said SMG smoked on several occasions over the past year when she met her at a couple of private parties. You were right — SMG is a bit of a hypocrite and I just don’t understand why people cover up up for Sarah and others like her.”

“SMG smoking is definitely a big issue to her fans and has been for years. Her die hard fans don’t believe she smokes because she always goes out of her way in interviews to say she doesn’t. So anytime someone claims they saw her smoke, they gang up on the person who makes that claim saying that it is a fabrication. It’s interesting too because I recently heard from a journalist who claims that Sarah has been smoking since 1998 and I also heard from someone in SMG’s security detail and they both said that Sarah chain smokes away from public view. It’s amazing though that in places like the Opium Den where you saw her or Kabuki where the guy who writes for TVGASM saw her that no one has ever caught her on camera or on video. Even this last weekend she was reportedly on the smoking patio at Dominick’s in Hollywood. It’s probably going to take someone catching her on camera for her die hard fans to believe she is a smoker.”

“If she’s been lying about smoking… If she’s been going out there and smoking and then telling the press she doesn’t smoke… If she’s making the conscious decision to smoke, then lie, then smoke some more, then lie again to her fans and the press… Well, I’m just not having it.”

“Can you possibly provide me with the phone number or current location of Sarah Michelle Gellar so I may find out for myself once and for all if she’s been smoking behind our backs? I would only just ask her that one question, I wouldn’t keep bothering her after that, FYI.”

Indeed.

Well, about a week ago I was at a restaurant in Studio City, when I noticed a particular ex-best friend walk into the restaurant with a buddy. Low and behold, it was my ex-cohort in creative crimes, Freddie Prinze, Jr.. At that point, I was unsure if I should even talk to him, since I’d tried so hard to mend the friendship in previous years without any success. But my friend who was with me suggested that maybe enough time had passed and he might be open to re-establishing ties.

So I approached him.

And would you believe that the guy looked at me and didn’t even recognize me? I mean, I’m standing there, saying nothing, and he’s all looking at me like I’m the waiter or something. Even as I stood there, emotionally assessing the situation, I felt the frustration wash over me from the previous years issues with him. But I pressed on.

Me: “It’s Paul Davidson. Remember?”
Freddie Prinze, Jr.: Hm. I know you…from where?”
Me: “Um, we were developing a show together. The Boyz of Gurlock. You don’t remember?”
Freddie Prinze, Jr.: “The Boyz of Gurlock?”
Me: “Bachelor party that went awry. All the guys turn into zombies. You’re kidding, right?”
Freddie Prinze, Jr.: “Ohhhhhh. Wow, you look different.”
Me: “Well, it’s been almost three years.”
Freddie Prinze, Jr.: “Yeah, cool. Well, good to see you.”

And then he turned back to his friend and started talking to him. Leaving me standing there. So, I did what anyone with a blog and an awareness of the Sarah Michelle Gellar smoking debate would do.

Me: “So, I saw your wife is smoking again.”
Freddie Prinze, Jr.: Excuse me?”
Me: “Sarah. Your wife. She’s been out smoking again, hasn’t she?”
Freddie Prinze, Jr.: “Sarah doesn’t smoke.”
Me: “But I’ve seen her. Smoking.”
Freddie Prinze, Jr.: “This thing just doesn’t die, huh? Why do people care if she’s smoking or not anyway? It’s her business. Her life.”
Me: “Well, I guess people feel like they know her, and just look out for her well being.”
Freddie Prinze, Jr.: “Well for your information, she doesn’t smoke. If you see her with a cigarette, it’s not a real one — it’s one of those help you quit smoking fake cigarette things. It helps her when she’s out and other people are smoking to keep from doing it herself.”
Me: “Oh, really? They make those kind of things?”
Freddie Prinze, Jr.: “Yes. Yes they do. So, now you can sleep better knowing the truth.”

Attitude aside, I rejoined my friend with two very important pieces of information. One, that the FPJ & Pauly D boat had sailed. That no matter what came next, the two of us would never be friends again. And two, that Sarah Michelle Gellar does not smoke at all. And if you see her smoking, it’s not really smoking, because it’s one of those fake smoking-aid things.

Yes. The debate can now finally be resolved.