The Comedy Schoolings of Mike Myers

As someone based and working in Hollywood, I run into a lot of celebrities.

As someone working in Hollywood, I try my best not to talk about celebrities I run into or work with simply based on the fact that they’re people just like you and me. In fact, I’ve known many a celebrity to not wash their hands after going to the bathroom (just like you!) or steal a free bite from the pile ‘o apples at the local supermarket…just like you! But sometimes…an event occurs that I cannot keep quiet about.

This time…that event is my attending The Mike Myers Comedy School.

Today’s Advice To An Incarcerated Paris Hilton

I feel for Paris Hilton. Honestly.

It’s obvious to me the girl has been made an example in a world of celebrities skirting criminal and negligent charges on a weekly basis — and this whole back and forth of her being in prison is just a three ring circus for the media’s sake. That being said, her mysterious “medical condition” (the so called catalyst for letting her out in the first place) was revealed this past weekend: she wasn’t eating because she didn’t want to have to go to the bathroom and have guards take pictures of her on the can.

Well, today…I’m here to give Paris Hilton the best advice of her short-lived prison stay.

Found: Ed Norton’s List of Dating Do’s & Don’ts

Open the car door
Compliment her eyes/hair/clothing
Tip waitress and busboys well
Ask questions
Be interested
Order for her
Be emotional, show heart
Talk about books, culture, global warming
Dress well, iron shirt
Respect her physically

Mention hooking up with Charlize Theron
Show off your multiple-personality impression from ‘Primal Fear’
Bring your Oscar to dinner, like last time
Let DeNiro call and give you talking points
Put bread in her water glass and pretend it’s a brain stem
Call the valet “Paco”
Fly her anywhere in a helicopter
Make her talk in an English Accent
Advise her to ‘suck from the teet of Norton’ in case this is the last date
Tell her that the ‘first rule of sleeping with Ed Norton’ is ‘you DON’T TALK ABOUT sleeping with Ed Norton’

The Post In Which I Discuss Seeing Cate Blanchett And Our Psychic Conversation

I was at lunch a week or so ago at Hugo’s and sat next to Cate Blanchett.

The amazing, adorable, sweet actress was there with her husband and two kids — visiting Los Angeles (I can only imagine) due to the shooting of Indiana Jones 4 which begins in the next 4 weeks. And while Cate and her family discussed what kinds of dessert they’d be ordering, I turned to look at her — thus using my inherent psychic abilities to hold a short non-verbal (but substantial) conversation using only facial expressions.

What you’ll read after “the jump” includes said conversation. Please be aware, since this is a psychic conversation, you can’t quote Cate or use her words in an unflattering way.

Seth Green’s Salary

Day 4 of WFME’s Week ‘o Searches brings us a curious yet interesting query about just what Seth Green’s salary is.

While WFME could go back through all our records and track Seth’s money making mojo to the classic 80’s film Can’t Buy Me Love, we’ll instead just provide these preliminary numbers for those searching for said referenced previously aforementioned monetary query:

Robot Chicken [Adult Swim]
As Exec Producer: $15,000 per episode
As Writer/Voice Actor: Standard SAG rates apply

Note: Since this is an Adult Swim/Cable program, salaries are less than normal network fare.

Family Guy [FOX]
As Voice Performer: $20,000 per episode

Four Kings [NBC] Cancelled
As Actor: $30,000 per episode