Leaving is the New Going

People used to say, “I’m going now.”

Usually, they would use such a pedestrian phrase when they wanted others around them to know that they were going somewhere. Going to the store. Going to a movie. Going, parting ways from a conversation. It was a phrase that took over modern society from the years 1912-2005, being slung forth from society’s collective mouth for decades upon decades. Of course, everything has just changed…

…now that leaving is the new going.

Using the English language, I’m told, is one of the hardest things to fully master. If you didn’t grow up in this country, and you didn’t benefit from learning English as your first language, grasping the intricacies is a tough hurdle to hurdle. The word “going” is one of those complicated hybrid words that means two things. Going can mean “going somewhere” but it can also mean “departing from somewhere” as well.

Tums Are The New Flintstones Chewable Vitamins

When I was a kid I ate Flintstones Chewable Vitamins as a replacement for candy.

There was the Flintstones Chewable Vitamins Incident of ’84, in which I had eaten an entire bottle of the glorious, sugary pills after finishing off a half container of Vienna Fingers. That came hours after having drank three Coca Colas and two Yoo Hoo chocolate drinks. There was a black out, a struggle and a mandate that followed: there will be no more Flintstones Chewable Vitamins for you from this day forward.

That’s why it’s good that Tums are the new Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.

Emptied-Out Skulls Is The New Impalement

Times are a changin’ my friends.

You may or may not remember what the 90’s were like, but it seemed like everywhere you looked (TV, Movies, Books) there was someone getting impaled. Impaled on sharp stakes, metal gates, spears, bent poles on the side of the highway, missles, and a whole slew of phallic metallic (or phatallic) objects just for the sake of the “oohs” and “aahs” of pop culture watchers.

Well, you’ll be happy to know that emptied-out skulls is the new impalement.

Automobile SOS Buttons Are The New Crank Call

Do you have a new car?

Does your car come equipped with one of those “OnStar” or “SOS” buttons inside it? The kind where, if god forbid your car was hanging off an embankment, you would press and scream into so the authorities would come as quickly as possible to save you? The kind that, without actually even having a telephone feature enabled in your car, still calls someone…somewhere, with the simple push of a button?

Mine does. And it’s quickly replaced the crank calls of yesteryear.

‘What’s Your Traffic?’ is the new ‘What’s Your Major?’

It’s finally happened.

Not that I ever thought it wouldn’t. I mean, I always expected the “I don’t know what to say to you here at this party so I might as well ask you the one question that’ll get you talking for at least another five minutes” to eventually go the way of the Dinosaurs.

I always half-knew that asking someone What’s Your Major? would eventually just sound way too cheesy… I half-believed that there had to be something better to say to someone you just met five minutes ago?

But What’s Your Traffic? Please.