It’s Time To Go Back To The Drawing Board When It Comes To My Latest Batch of Clever Answering Machine Messages

“Hi. I’m not home right now. Actually, I might be home but not answering the phone. But really, honestly, is anyone ever really home? Aren’t we all just wanderers, searching out for that ultimate be-all end-all home? The kind of home we only fully reach when we’ve left our earthly bodies behind and we’ve ascended to the next level of consciousness? Isn’t it only then, at that shining moment of clarity, when we’re finally, really, one-hundred percent at-”

[Beep]

“Yo! I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want. So tell me what you want, what you really really want, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want, so tell me what you want what you really really want, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna…message!”

[Beep]

“Listen quickly — Idon’thavemuchtimeandeverythingsjustgotmoredangerousforus. I walked too close to the sun, you could say, andnowthey’reafterme. Whichmeansthey’reafteryou, too. Oh my- W-w-wait a second. Ohno. They’reoutsidethehouse. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! Quick! Leaveyourinfoatthetone so I know where to find you. Do it! At the tone!”

[Gunshot & Beep]

“Thank you for calling the Make A Wish Foundation answering machine hotline for Paul Davidson. If you’re calling because you read about Paul’s wish to have his answering machine message tape completely filled up with messages in this morning’s Los Angeles Times, and you’re calling to help him reach that goal — please go ahead and leave a message. If you read about his wish and have chosen not to leave a message…then you’re just a heartless, cold-hearted snake and we hope you die.”

[Beep]