Face It, Cats Don’t Like You

I often liken cats and the general feline species to a cheerleader I once knew in junior high school who often gave you this sarcastic look that either meant she hated you or wanted you to go away.

That’s because, let’s face it, cats don’t like you.

And when I say you it means all of you. Because while we all think the cats we cherish are just funny or quirky or aloof; the reality is they’re just putting up with us until the mother ship arrives and they can finally tell us all what they really think.

The Squirrels Have Declared War Against Me

You may or may not remember the time a squirrel found its way into my fridge.

And despite the fact that such a story belongs on a revisited version of Amazing Stories, it truly happened, thus causing me to become extremely vigilant in closing the doggy door in my kitchen on a daily and nightly basis. For what if the squirrel I had trapped in my fridge were to decide to enact vengeance upon me and my home? For what if I were to leave the doggy door open while I was meditating on a mat in the living room? The squirrel could enter the home, gnaw off an ear or small finger, and my life would be forever changed.

Well this past weekend I realized the squirrels have declared war against me.

Today’s Prognosis on Disappearing Animals

I had a girlfriend once. Once.

And one night while we were sitting around her apartment there came a clatter from the closet. “Probably just the house settling,” I bravely suggested. But alas, there was more going on than that. When we opened the closet door we found a small scary-looking lizard rooting around in her umbrellas. We jumped back, startled, and did the only thing two Los Angeles residents with a lizard in their closet can do…

We sprayed it to death with Windex.

WFME’s You Decide: Coughing Up A Lung or A Small Ferret

America is all about choice, my friends.

That’s why WFME likes to periodically give you the choice of the decade, except that since I’ve given you this choice five other times before today over the course of two years means that WFME is technically giving you “five choices each decade” to make an important decision that will never affect your future yet prepare you for obscure events that may, potentially happen to you. Then again, since this is the sixth time, you’re gettin “six choices each decade” which is more choice then the government actually gives you over the course of four years.

Aw heck. Either way, today you’d better be ready to make the ultimate choice of your entire life.

There’s A Squirrel In My Fridge

Some stories, no matter how real they are, just never seem real enough.

Like for example, that story about Richard Gere and the gerbil. Or that story about that plane of soccer players who crashed in the middle of nowhere and they ended up eating each other to survive. Or that story you always hear about how there are people painting the Golden Gate Bridge all year round. Real stories, just amazing that they’re real.

Well…this is one of those stories.

I have a doggie door in my kitchen. The kind with the little plastic flap and the magnetic bottom. So, you know, when the dog goes out the little flap swings back and forth for a second and then sticks back closed thanks to the magic of magnets. It’s a simple yet effective way to keep critters (other than the dog) from assuming they can just enter the house on their own accord.