Spoiling Lost

Due to my connections in the entertainment industry, I sometimes hear things I shouldn’t.

In the past I’ve received spoilers for upcoming episodes on everything from Heroes to The Sopranos. I take such spoilers with a grain of salt, but am always here to post them for entertainment purposes and as a service to those who are interested. So it’s no surprise that the rumors of my willingness to share such inside details found their way to those working to finish off the fourth season of ABC’s Lost.

Such information, which you will not want to read unless you want to ruin it for yourself, are contained within.

This Year’s Newly Picked Up TV Pilots Have Taught Me Alot About Life

Having seen a slew of new TV pilots that were picked up by networks, and which will start airing this Fall — I realized that each of them taught me something extremely important about life. For example:

The CW’s Reaper: Always ask your parents, at regular intervals, if they ever sold your soul to the devil, promised your soul to the devil, suggested soul-bartering with the devil, or generally were on speaking terms with the devil. If said parents deny having any connections with the devil (or selling your soul to the red-faced dude) it’s always worth trying “the wake-up & ask” — where you sneak into your parents room, and whisper the question, “Did you sell my soul to the devil, per chance?” Parents are usually pretty honest when they’re woken up from a deep sleep.

NBC’s The Bionic Woman: If someone’s filming you in the passenger seat of a car, with the camera facing the passenger side window, and there you are talking to the person filming you in the passenger side of the car, with the world whizzing by in the window just behind you… It usually means, that sometime very soon, a semi is going to smash into the passenger side of the car. This was also seen on Alias and the recent feature Disturbia so I can only imagine all these auteurs are trying to tell us something about sitting in the passenger seat while someone films us. Oh, and also: if you can get a bionic implant, do it. It makes you really confident.

ABC’s Pushing Daisies: This show, about a guy who is able to touch dead people and bring them back to life for one minute so he can help solve their murders, has a day job making pies. Because, apparently, superpowers like that allow you to keep fruit fresh. Or revive moldy pieces of the same fruity goodness. Which convinces me of one very important life lesson. If you have a superpower, your day job should be as mundane as possible, but have hidden allegorical potential. Invisible? Work in the DMV. Fast as a speeding bullet? Copy-mart manager. Able to pass through walls? Huge hedge maze coordinator.

NBC’s Journeyman: A show about a time-travelling regular ‘ol Joe who periodically blacks out and wakes up in a different time. And he keeps telling people he’s doing it. Which they don’t believe. So he’s got to go to fatiguing lengths to prove it. Which just goes to show you — if you’re traveling through time…keep it to yourself. Even if you met Lincoln, keep it to yourself. Even if a dinosaur bit off your left arm and you had to replace it with a wet piece of steak — keep. it. to. your. self.

ABC’s Eli Stone: When you’re a lawyer, the constant paperwork makes you loopy enough to see visions. Here, in this legal dramedy, the title character sees George Michael singing “Faith” over and over again until he decides to make a change. Think back to Ally McBeal — she saw a dancing baby. And Perry Mason? Didn’t he see a piourette’ing doughnut? I guess a word to the wise for those in the legal profession — be prepared for Carly Simon sometime in the near future singing “You’re So Vain.”

CBS’s Big Bang Theory: Two geeks live next door to a hottie. So if you’re a geek, make sure you have an equally-as-geeky roommate. If you’re a hottie, just know that that’s how life works.

The General Los Angeles Population Seems To Be Obsessed With The Missing Polar Bear From ABC’s ‘Lost’

[At the Coffee Bean]

Her: “What I want to know is where the polar bear has gone.”
Him: “It’s a big island. He could be anywhere.”
Her: “Well, it’s a big TROPICAL island. He’d want to stay somewhere cool.”
Him: “There’s a lot of shade on that island. He’ll be okay.”

## ## ##

[At the Comic Book Shop]

Guy #1: “I think the polar bear is also that amorphous black smoke creature as well.”
Guy #2: “What, he’s a shapeshifting polar bear?”
Guy #1: “There’s a shapeshifter on that show Heroes.”
Guy #2: “Exactly why ABC wouldn’t have a shapeshifting polar bear on their show.”
Guy #1: “Dude, don’t you know anything about how competitive the TV landscape is? I’m surprised Gil Grissom on CSI isn’t a shapeshifter by now.”

## ## ##

[At the Hair Salon]

Girl #1: “And he told me there was a polar bear on the show…so I watched it with him.”
Stylist: “Ohh, cute.”
Girl #1: “But there wasn’t a polar bear on the show.”
Sylist: “Oh, no?”
Girl #1: “Well, there was at some point early on. But then I guess the polar bear disappeared or something and no one’s seen the polar bear in awhile, although my boyfriend says there’s no way they could introduce a polar bear and then not have the polar bear show up again later on…so we’re still waiting on the polar bear I guess.”
Stylist: “Ohh, cute.”

Dancing With The Ailments

First let me start by saying…I once dated a girl with a fake leg.

Let me also say that I had no idea she had a fake leg until I had been dating her for at least three or four dates. She either wore jeans or long pants and I was a respectful gentleman who didn’t go grabbing at her legs too soon in the social experiment. But let me tell you, technology had gotten so good at that point, that the leg itself (all colored and weighted to look and feel like a real leg) was extremely realistic enough to fool me.

But that’s not going to happen when Paul McCartney’s ex, Heather Mills, appears on Dancing With The Stars.