If We Switched Up ‘Pretty Woman’ By Replacing Julia Roberts With A CGI-Animated Penguin

Some people say that Pretty Woman is a classic.

Ask a table of your friends at dinner which of them likes the movie and the majority of the table will go on and on about how great of a movie it actually is. Ask anyone if they like Julia Roberts and they’ll bring the movie up before any other. Ask anyone about Richard Gere, and it’s the only movie they’re sure he was in.

But posit this, my friends — what would happen if we switched up Pretty Woman by replacing Julia Roberts with a CGI-Animated penguin? Hmm? What then?

Picking Apart The Whole Sunglasses At Night Phenom

I’ve always had trouble with the logic of wearing sunglasses at night.

The phenomenon (or “phenom” for short) began in the mid-80’s when super one-hit wonderer, Corey Hart blasted onto the scene with his hit song Sunglasses at Night. It raced up the charts like a fireball, burning up the competition, and forever solidifying Hart’s place in history as a pop singing star who possessed the unique talent of writing songs that made no logical sense whatsoever.

And that’s why we’ll spend today picking apart the whole “sunglasses at night” phenom.

To begin with, we might as well break down the “logical reasons” that Corey Hart suggests wearing sunglasses at night and why he, the singer himself, wore them at night in the narrative of the song. Hart suggests that he wears those sunglasses at night so he can:

When A Band’s Name Should Not Be The Same

I’m going to stun you today with a blatantly hard-lined opinion.

No, it won’t be about politics or war or gas prices or how people make you take off their shoes and put on those little hospital booty things before you walk into their homes and onto their pristine white carpets. No, it won’t be about vegans or manipulating crops with questionable practices or about those people who insist you shake their hand again a second time since their opinion is that the first time you did it…your hand shake sucked.

No, today I’d like to talk about bands. And their names. And when they should be changed.

If I Had Actually Been That Kid Eric Stoltz Played In “Mask”

This may be before your time, but I don’t care.

You may or may not have also seen the classic 80’s flick MASK starring Eric Stoltz as Rocky Dennis, a kid born with a really horrible facial deformation whose mother (played by Cher) is a biker-chick who is doing her best to raise a kid who is obviously a social outcast due to his horrific looking face. The story itself is inspirational and heart-warming (Rocky eventually falls for a blind girl at a summer camp played by Laura Dern, who falls for who he is and not what he looks like), and has a moral that goes a little something like, “It’s who you are on the inside that matters, and not how you look.”

But had I actually been that kid in MASK things would have played out a little bit differently.

How Joe Pesci’s Speech From Goodfellas About Being A Clown Might Have Sounded If He Was Being Accused Of Being A NASA JPL Technician Instead

Henry Hill: “You’re sharp, you’re really smart. You’re really smart.”

Tommy DeVito: “What do you mean I’m smart?”

Henry Hill: “You’re smart, you know. You know math, that’s smart, you’re a quick guy.”

[Henry Hill points to a napkin on which Tommy’s scribbled some equations.]

Tommy DeVito: “What do you mean, you mean the way I carry the one? What?”

Henry Hill: “It’s just, you know. You’re just smart, it’s… amazing, the kind of smarts someone would need to be able to calculate and successfully get a spaceship to land on the Moon and everything.”

[It becomes quiet.]

Tommy DeVito: “Smart how? What’s so smart about it?”

Anthony Stabile: “Tommy no, You got it all wrong.”

Tommy DeVito: “Oh, oh, Anthony. He’s a big boy, he knows what he said. What did ya say? Smart how?”

Henry Hill: “Jus…”

Tommy DeVito: “What?”

Henry Hill: “Just… ya know… you’re smart.”

Tommy DeVito: “You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it’s me, I’m a little f*cked up maybe, but I’m smart how, I mean smart like I’m a JPL technician for NASA or somethin’, I make astronomy seem interesting to you? I make you confused when I talk about black holes, I’m here to f*ckin’ confuse you? What do you mean smart, smart how? How am I smart?”

Henry Hill: “Just… you know, how you calculate stuff and sh*t, what?”

Tommy DeVito: “No, no, I don’t know, you said it. How do I know? You said I’m smart. How the f*ck am I smart, what the f*ck is so amazing about landing a man on the Moon? Tell me, tell me what’s so smart about that!”

[Long pause.]

Henry Hill: “Get the f*ck out of here, Tommy!”

[Everyone laughs.]

Tommy DeVito: “Ya motherf*cker! I almost had him, I almost had him. Ya stuttering prick ya. Frankie, was he shaking? I wonder about you sometimes, Henry. You may fold under questioning.”