Archives
Since August 2003, Words For My Enjoyment has amassed over 1000+ entries with over eight thousand comments.
Feel free to browse the archives by either using the search box above or wading through the posts at your own risk.
March 2009- 27: I Am Officially Banning Things
- 09: Insert Shameless Plug For Travel Blog Here
- 03: I Don’t Quite Care How Many Glasses of Water You Drank Today
- 28: When Gas Station Attendant Conversations Are Almost As Confusing As ABC’s Lost
- 22: 25 Random Things About Your 25 Random Things
- 30: Face It, Cats Don’t Like You
- 29: Kick-Ass Words About Our Five Year Anniversary
- 24: Latest Internet Rumors About Barack Obama (That May Make Me Question Voting For Him)
- 06: It’s Time To Retire The Oh My Godder
- 22: The Comedy Schoolings of Mike Myers
- 10: Steve Jobs Is Skinny (And Other Headlines For Upcoming Wall Street Journal Articles)
- 07: Classic Movie Words
- 05: Words About Change
- 26: Reality TV Show Idea #45: Bathroom Splashers!
- 24: Today’s Ambiguous Conversation With Snoopy Drugstore Cashier Lady
- 22: Indiana Jones and the Jungle of the Swinging Shias
- 22: Consumer Joe Lives On
- 18: The Seinfeld Babysitting Question
- 12: Today’s Fond Memory of The Hills’ Spencer Pratt
- 10: It’s Time To Boycott Paper
- 07: I Wish I Had A Friend With A Prosthetic Leg
- 06: Today’s Speed Racer Review Using Only Car Sounds (And One Monkey)
- 06: Twitter This
- 05: Bonding With My Identical Cellf
- 31: Today’s E-Mail Exchange Between Me and Sarah Jessica Parker
- 31: WFME’s FAQ in Progress
- 29: Words About The Little Mermaid
- 27: The Auto-Eater Driver’s Test
- 04: Great Follow-Up Responses To Answers That Have No True Follow-Ups
- 02: Spoiling Lost
- 27: Today’s Blatant Admission #207
- 24: WFME’s Advice to High-Schoolers: Pole Vaulting Edition
- 23: Words About The Strike
- 21: Today’s Conspiracy About Almonds
- 15: I Have A Concern About Getting Through To The Next Level on American Idol
- 10: Persistence, Podcast, Persistence
- 18: How DirecTV Screws Its HD Customers
- 17: The Bread Bowl Battle
- 04: My Secret Ethnicity
- 03: WFME’s Gorilla/Human Factor: White Head Edition
- 03: My Extremely Touching Conversation With The Guy Selling Oranges On My Neighborhood Highway Onramp
- 14: Today’s Thoughts on Fire Retarded Products
- 05: Catching Another India-Based Technical Assistance Representative In A Lie
- 02: A Brief Post Outlining My Most Recent Problems With Today’s TV Soundtrack Hipness
- 18: The Secret of Life Cereal
- 13: Facebook Applications Are The New Pet Rock
- 13: The Darjeeling Is Limited
- 08: A Brief List of the Things That Hidden-Camera Reality TV Show Production Staff Members Are Tired Of Doing
- 06: Unresolved Arguments, Vol. 2
- 05: Ten Potential Settings For My New Hilarious (Forthcoming) Joke
- 28: The Karaoke Master Has Finally Been Taken Down A Notch
- 27: Letters to eBay, Letters to You
- 22: Giving Away The Letters
- 22: It’s Time To Pick The Condiments You Want On Your Subway Sandwich
- 18: There Are Certain Surgeries I’d Like To Perform With Zero Medical Training Whatsoever
- 16: What Is It With All The Thank Yous?
- 14: Words In Print
- 11: I Feel Bad For Masseuse Daters
- 08: I Am The Best Friend A Painter Could Ever Have
- 03: Today’s Brief Question About Life Maybe Possibly Being A Highway And My Thoughts On Not Wanting To Be Riding It All Night Long
- 02: The Post In Which I Congratulate Nicole Richie on Her Impending Babyness
- 01: I Continue To Question Whether Or Not There Are Air Bags In My Car
- 30: Leaving is the New Going
- 29: My 3 Year Old Nephew’s Advice on a Variety of Work Issues
- 27: WFME Will Be Knighted
- 26: Today Is The Day I Capitalize On The Success of Hairspray With Other Ideas for Movie Musicals Based on Grooming Products
- 25: If I Was Living In A Remote Mountain Cabin Writing The Next Great American Novel And You Had Been Lost In The Mountains Having Not Eaten For Twenty Days, I Probably Wouldn’t Give You Any Food
- 24: Wearing My First Eye Patch
- 23: An Excerpt From My One Man Play, ‘I’ve Got a Splinter’
- 22: The Church of TiVo’s Ten Commandments
- 21: One Isn’t Necessarily The Loneliest Number That You’ll Ever Do
- 20: Running My Own Ice Cream Mob
- 20: Look At It As A Vacation From Your Vacation
- 13: Redesign 3.0
- 13: The Fast Food Tides Are Changing
- 12: An Excerpt From My New Play, “The Falcon and the Snowman”
- 11: Today’s Advice To An Incarcerated Paris Hilton
- 09: A List of My Latest Athletic Accomplishments To Date*
- 07: Today’s Prognosis on Moments of Silence
- 06: Found: Ed Norton’s List of Dating Do’s & Don’ts
- 06: I Could Be Your Kiddie Pool Lifeguard
- 05: Unconfirmed Spoilers About The Sopranos Series Finale
- 04: Cheddar or Swiss
- 03: Replacing ‘Hottie’
- 02: Soundtrack, Movie, Film Short & Blog
- 01: A List of Five Imaginary Friends I Wish I Had As A Kid
- 31: This Year’s Newly Picked Up TV Pilots Have Taught Me Alot About Life
- 30: Think Of It As A Vacation For Your Fingers
- 30: The Post In Which I Discuss Seeing Cate Blanchett And Our Psychic Conversation
- 29: Introducing the Pauly-ku
- 28: Memorial Day MP3
- 27: The Final Paragraph From My Other Recently Completed Novel “Mars Outpost Alpha”
- 26: The Homeless Are Getting Exponentially Smarter (Or, My Need To Be Loved By Everyone Is Making Me Stupider)
- 24: I Want A Friend Who Wears An Eyepatch (But Isn’t A Pirate)
- 23: WFME’s You Decide: Receding Hairline Midget or Left-Leg Missing Cruise Shuffleboard Coach
- 22: Today’s Hypothetical Question
- 21: More Potential TV Game Show Concepts For Simpletons
- 20: I Could Be Your Goth, Heavy Metal, Nerdy, Quirky or Jerky Lab Worker On Your New Procedural Network Show
- 19: I Have Some Huge Problems With Ghost Whispering
- 18: Who Invented The Game Thumb War
- 17: Seth Green’s Salary
- 16: A Giant Music Explosion
- 16: Backed Into Parked Car, Who’s At Fault?
- 15: We Interrupt This Week’s Feature Blog-Presentation For A Seriously Opinionated Commentary On This Country’s Inability To Embrace Free Speech
- 15: Words For Arrow
- 14: The Brady Bunch Boardroom Briefcase
- 13: Week ‘o Searches!
- 13: Other Words That Can Be Made Out Of The Letters That Form ‘Mother’
- 12: How To Write An “Extreme” Will
- 11: I Am Not Taking The Stairwell
- 10: WFME’s 10’s on the 10th: Neighborhood Watch Edition
- 09: I Am Afraid of Non-Brand Name Sorbets
- 08: This Post Was Meant For Yesterday
- 07: Ten Words That Don’t Sound Like Words After You Say Them 30 Times
- 06: The Opening Page To The Book I’m Currently Writing Entitled ‘The Princess Bride 2′
- 05: I’ve Decided I Really Don’t Like Good n’ Plenty
- 03: Facts About Ireland*
- 03: What People Are Saying About Spiderman 3
- 02: The Arrow Hurler Race Card
- 01: Why Littering Is OK
- 30: Monday’s Exciting List of Verbal Argument Finishing Moves After The Other Party Storms Out The Door (Kitchen Edition)
- 29: Today’s Post In Which I Blatantly Attack The Concept of Stupid Obstacle Courses
- 28: Revising The Male Urinal Coefficient
- 27: I Am The Master Tracer
- 25: I’m Afraid These Symptoms Don’t Seem To Add Up To Anything
- 25: Today’s Prognosis on Fist Shaking
- 24: An Excerpt From My New Period Play, “Shot Through The Heart in The Year 1878″
- 23: It’s Time To Help Alec Baldwin Out
- 21: Ten Rules for Eating At That Chinese Food Donut Hybrid Restaurant
- 20: Examining The Seat-A-Wayers
- 19: Over-Analyzing The Frozen Yogurt Theme Song
- 18: Celebrities Are Just Like You and Me, Vol. 2
- 17: When Change Askers Are Not So Good At Improv
- 16: Today I Would Like To Declare My Allegiance To FIJI Bottled Water
- 15: Maureen McCormick vs. Kristy McNichol
- 14: WFME’s Fad Watch ‘07
- 13: Ba-Do-Ba-Do, Podcast, Ba-Do-Ba-Do
- 13: Homeland Security Has Finally Ruined My Movie Going Experience
- 12: The General Los Angeles Population Seems To Be Obsessed With The Missing Polar Bear From ABC’s ‘Lost’
- 11: The BFF Debacle
- 10: On This Day In My Personal History
- 09: I’m Not Quite Sure What My Accountant Is Trying To Say
- 08: WFME’s Guide to Shoplifting Cadbury Creme Eggs
- 07: Four Brief Scenes Involving Conversations That Are Somehow Related To Discovery Channel’s Runaway Crab-Fishing Documentary Hit, ‘Deadliest Catch’
- 06: Where Have All The Clever Literate Sayings Gone?
- 04: Why The Film ‘The Sound of Music’ Is Completely Unrealistic
- 03: Why Dancing With The Stars Is Unfair If You’ve Got Two Good Legs
- 02: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Katie Holmes’ Scientology Handler
- 01: I’m Getting Zero Shampoo Bowl Committment
- 31: Words Between The Button Pushers
- 30: Don’t Do The Fondue
- 29: Egg Story, Thursday Edition
- 28: WFME’s Right Name Wrong E-Mail
- 27: I Have This Urge To Get Into An Industrial Sized Clothes Dryer And Have Someone Turn It On
- 26: This Week’s Neighborhood Feud (Or, Desperate Stopsigns)
- 25: Fortune Cookie Messages Inspired By 80’s Film Director John Hughes
- 24: Today’s Brief Question About Digging Up Corpses
- 23: I Am Running Away From ‘The Hills’
- 22: Today’s Prognosis on Rude Doctor-In-The-House Restaurant Yellers
- 21: Making Obituaries Fun
- 20: Really Truly Ironic Things
- 19: Today’s Overrated Element: Air
- 18: The Final Paragraph From My Recently Completed Novel “Ben Bovak, Street Cleaner”
- 17: A Select Scene From Knight Rider, Starring Socrates
- 16: Cutting Out Letters From Magazines For Ransom Notes Is So 1985
- 15: Podcast-a-GoGo
- 14: One Million Served!
- 14: Imaginary Dwarf Restaurant Pal (And 2 Other Overheard Conversations)
- 13: I’m Officially Done With Bricks
- 12: Wrong Number, Right Language
- 12: If I Could Perform Complicated Surgeries With A Toothpick
- 10: Approaching A Million
- 09: Words For Your Enjoyment: Kim Wilde and Hanging On
- 08: There Are Medical Reasons For Why I Can’t Empty The Dishwasher
- 07: An Open Letter To You, PDF Converter
- 06: The Sarah Michelle Gellar Smoking Debate Can Finally Be Resolved
- 05: Dancing With The Ailments
- 04: I Could Be Your Surgery Waker-Upper Trainer
- 03: Digg My Words
- 03: The 5 Calorie Gum Question
- 02: I Think I Have More Pores Than Most Normal Folks
- 01: Celebrities Are Talking About WFME
- 28: Today’s Brief Question About Why People Don’t Think I Can Pull Off The ‘Bat Thing’
- 27: Picking Apart The Concept Of Pouring Some Sugar On Me
- 26: An Insider’s Look At NBC’s Heroes (Major Spoilers Ahead)
- 25: An Excerpt From My New Play, “Bringing Sexy Back”
- 24: If I Was A Funny Wonder Twin
- 23: Ham, Podcast, Ham
- 22: My Spanish Name Is Definitely Not Pablocito
- 21: WFME’s You Decide: 2 Tacos for $.99 or 99 Tacos for $.02?
- 20: The Soap Dispenser Argument
- 19: To Do: On President’s Day
- 18: WFME Is Now Officially Recognized As A Non-Profit For-Profit Philanthropical Charity Organization
- 17: A Hint Of Things To Come
- 15: The American Idol Rejection Construction Kit (Psyche! Edition)
- 14: Excerpts From Dick Cheney’s Children’s Bedtime Stories (Publishing Date, Fall ‘07)
- 13: It’s Time To Go Back To The Drawing Board When It Comes To My Latest Batch of Clever Answering Machine Messages
- 12: The Adultoids
- 11: Celebrities Are Just Like You and Me
- 10: Bette Midler & Me
- 09: Words For Your Enjoyment: Calling Out Your Nemesai
- 08: I Am The King Of Asking For A Water Glass Then Sneaking Free Soda
- 07: I Am Writing This Post From Inside A Locked Chest Inside The Basement of Some Guy I Just Met At My Local Best Buy
- 06: I Am Afraid That My Waitress Doesn’t Find Me Funny Enough To Tell Her Friends About Me
- 05: WFME’s Burning Question: How Much Hair Is Too Much Hair?
- 03: William Shakespeare, Text Messenger
- 02: If I Could Transplant Dead Elvis’ Head Onto My Body And Still Be A Contributing Member of Society
- 01: Transcription Thursday: The “Diet” Shopping List
- 31: Today’s Ironic Vanna White Story About No Make-Up and Sushi
- 30: A Few Brief Thoughts on Why I Would Never Want To Be a Parachute Packer
- 29: Ten Classic TV Shows, Reimagined For Today’s Discerning Audiences
- 28: Hear Your Words
- 27: I Am Afraid That Everything Around Me Is Bombarding Me With Radioactive Fallout
- 26: Words For Your Enjoyment: Excite-o-Lifes
- 25: An Excerpt From My New Play, “Are You OK? I Think So.”
- 25: Today’s Prognosis on Chin-Implant Force-Feelers
- 25: Frankenstein, Cell Phone User
- 24: Today We Will Retire Yet Another Fruit That Is So Obviously Only Enjoyed By Old People
- 23: 10 Replacements for LOL, Seeing As Though We’re All Just A Little Bit Tired of Being on the LOL-Bandwagon
- 22: I Have Invented a Fantasy Football Watchers League
- 21: If The Sun Was Called “Poppy Seed”
- 20: Jessica Simpson Walked Past Me
- 19: I Could Be Your Cream Cheese Concierge
- 18: Neil Armstrong, Cell Phone User
- 17: An Open Letter To You, Bottle-Opener Keychain Guy
- 16: I Am The King of Dining and Ditching
- 15: I Am Still Waiting For A Response From The Owners of My Local Italian Restaurant
- 14: Ten Things I Said I’d Eat For $10,000, That Secretly I Wouldn’t When It Came Down To It
- 12: The Post In Which I Show How I Take What I Learned From My Previous Conversation With The Homeless And Completely Mess It Up A Second Time
- 11: Effective Immediately I Will Be Crying To Make My Own Life Easier
- 10: Today’s Post Will Be Presented In The Form of a Completed Mad Lib Thanks To All of You Who Submitted Nouns, Adjectives and Verbs
- 09: Today’s Blatant Admissions, Pt 2
- 08: I Have Come Up With An Equation That Will Solve All Your Relationship Problems
- 07: WFME’s New Year Fear: Movie Theater Headrest Lice
- 06: Today’s Prognosis on Organ Giver-Outers
- 05: Today Someone Has Paid Me To Talk About Printer Ink Cartridges
- 04: I Could Be Deaf, Dumb and Blind But Still Play A Mean Pinball
- 03: TomKat Is Just About Over
- 02: Everyone’s Happy New Year Is Ruining This Country’s Level of Productivity
- 01: Today’s Brief Question About Why It Will Take Me Six Months To Realize It’s 2007
- 31: The Best of Words
- 30: An Open Letter To You, Orange Citrus Finger Smeller
- 29: I Am Not Afraid of Getting Shot
- 28: No Matter What I Do, I Can’t Dream About Whitney Houston
- 27: I’m At The Wrong Drive-Thru But No One Seems To Care
- 26: I Can Pretend My Ship Just Got Hit By A Missle
- 25: Merry Christmas & A Happy New Fear
- 24: A Few Christmas Thoughts From WFME
- 23: Coloring Words
- 22: An Excerpt From My New Play, “Sushi Chef”
- 21: I Don’t Know About You, But I Could Use A Nice Cold Glass of Water
- 20: WFME’s You Decide: Give a Man a Fish or Teach a Man to Fish?
- 19: WFME’s List of Regards
- 18: Today’s Prognosis on Your Unwashed Jeans
- 09: A Letter From The Management
- 08: Words For Your Enjoyment: No Topic Post
- 07: I Am Afraid I’ve Got A Low Grade E-Coli Infection
- 06: Janie & Jack Hates Babystyle
- 05: The Office’s Jenna Fischer Eats Out At Restaurants While Being Interviewed For Fitness & Health Magazines…Just Like You!
- 03: Today’s Post Will Contain All The Captions I’ve Ever Written For Those ‘Submit Your Caption’ Contest Thingies
- 02: This Week’s Amazing Events (And Who Will Play Them In The Movie Version)
- 01: Words For Your Enjoyment: One Dollar
- 30: Today’s Rebellious Thoughts on Lap Napkining
- 29: An Excerpt From My New Play, “Two Dimes And A Nickel For A Quarter”
- 28: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
- 27: WFME On: Not Needing Heroes
- 26: I’m Thinking of a Number Between One and One-Hundred
- 25: The Procedural Cop Shows of My Dreams Have Stupid Characters
- 24: Amazing Deals Today at WFME!
- 23: An Open Letter To Everyone At My Thanksgiving Dinner
- 22: Kids Say The Darndest Things
- 21: Redesigning The Fake Plastic Grape
- 20: It Seems Cylons Aren’t Perfect (And Neither Is Lucy Lawless’ Fingernail)
- 20: Prison Break: The Drinking Game
- 19: Today’s Prognosis on Finger Scratching Hand Shakers
- 18: WFME Has Been Banned
- 17: Words For Your Enjoyment: Chime Living
- 16: My Super Secret Alter Egos
- 15: Three Brief Conversations We Might Have If I Was Jaded And Lived In A Sealed Cardboard Box…And You Didn’t
- 14: I Could Cryogenically Freeze You If You Wanted Me To
- 13: Reporting Words
- 12: Today’s Prognosis on Amateur Hair Cutters
- 11: Today’s Brief Question About Living On Pluto
- 10: Apparently Your Glove Compartment Is Not Yours
- 09: If I Named My Toe ‘Nadine’ These Would Be Some of The Greatest Phrases I Could Possibly Say
- 08: Four Hour, Podcast, Four Hour
- 07: Five New Ingenious Ways To Make Voting The Most Exciting Experience Ever
- 06: Kasey (Age 4) Hates Me
- 05: WFME’s You Decide: Taco Bell Dining or Taco Bell Phone-Call
- 04: An Excerpt From My New Play, “A Serving of Cereal”
- 03: Words For Your Enjoyment: Reader Reunion
- 02: Homeless Folks Just Want Love, Too
- 01: I Could Be Your Extreme Scrapbooker
- 31: An Excerpt From My Graduate School Thesis, “There’s No Such Thing As A Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”
- 30: The Squirrels Have Declared War Against Me
- 29: I Am Going To Be The Coolest Halloween Candy Giver Ever
- 28: I’m Done Opening Doors
- 27: Words For Your Enjoyment: [Blank Space Here]
- 26: My New Billion Dollar Idea
- 25: If Multiple Personality Disorder Is A Superpower Then Los Angeles Is Filled With Heroes
- 24: Amanda Foreman Wants To Be Called Mandy Instead
- 23: WFME’s Nobody Is Listening, Part Threux
- 22: Adult Diapers For The Rest Of Us
- 21: Tums Are The New Flintstones Chewable Vitamins
- 20: Today I Will Give Away A Lock Of My Hair
- 19: And Now I’d Like To Take A Moment To Answer A Handful Of Questions Currently Being Submitted Through The Website For My Book ‘The Lost Blogs’
- 18: Writing Your Own Choose Your Own Adventure Book Is Actually Pretty Tough
- 17: There’s No Way To Determine Between Blood Diamonds and Regular Diamonds
- 16: The Cold v. Heat Debate Finally Resolves Itself
- 15: If I Had Gills
- 14: Today’s Brief Question About Believing You, Then Me
- 13: Words For Your Enjoyment: The Populars
- 12: A List Of My Most Recent Amazing World Records That Guinness Book Should Be Aware Of
- 11: Emptied-Out Skulls Is The New Impalement
- 10: I Could Have Invented The Zipper
- 09: Today’s In-Depth Look At The Eleven Switch Factor
- 08: I Have My Most Meaningful Conversations While Buying Gum In A Gas Station Mini-Mart
- 07: I Am Overcompensating For A Lack of Knowledge
- 06: Words For Your Enjoyment: Baby Names
- 05: If I Could Play Hide n’ Go Seek With Lionel Richie
- 04: Introducing The New Ten Commandments
- 03: The Debate Rages On
- 02: It’s Time For Me To Apologize For This Compilation
- 01: Why October 1st Isn’t Such A Great Date
- 30: Five Transcribed Notes As Left By The Jaded Tooth Fairy
- 29: Words For Your Enjoyment: Dinner Parties
- 28: I Am Afraid My Face Isn’t Symmetrical
- 27: An Early Scene From My Untitled, Not Really Thought Out, New Screenplay
- 26: If I Was Your Sister’s Best Friend’s Brother’s Cousin’s Cell-Mate’s Overly-Enthusiastic And Partially Egotistical Tennis Instructor
- 25: WFME’s You Decide: Walking Around With A Ziploc Bag Filled With Water or A Severed Left Arm
- 24: Lead Poisoning Is A Total Fallacy
- 23: The Post Where I Introduce My Hypothesis That People In Society Are Extremely Bored, Thus The Creation of a New Game Called High-Stakes Bingo
- 22: The Reason For No Conversation In Public Bathrooms (Or, Complicated Multiplication)
- 21: Wentworth Miller Can Break Out of Prison, But Not A Dead-End Job
- 20: WFME’s Bad Job Wednesday: Highway Line-Painter
- 19: Words After ‘The Breakfast Club’
- 18: I Am The King of Making Simple Instructions Seem Complicated
- 17: These Are A Few Of My Favorite Letters
- 16: I Want To Be Asked By Underage Kids To Buy Them Alcohol
- 15: My Hair Stylist Says My Sideburn Has A Bald Spot
- 14: Nobody Wants Any Free Cheesecake
- 13: Hundred Grand, Podcast, Hundred Grand
- 12: I Have Come Up With A Great Alternative To Giving Up Blogging
- 11: Ten Mistyped English Subtitles I’d Like To See In American Films Translated For International Audiences
- 10: The WFME Report
- 09: If We Switched Up ‘Pretty Woman’ By Replacing Julia Roberts With A CGI-Animated Penguin
- 08: Words For Your Enjoyment: More Lost Words
- 07: The Pillsbury Dough Boy Speaks Out On Poor Body Image
- 06: Santa Claus Is Not Real (And Neither Is The Tooth Fairy)
- 05: Picking Apart The Whole Sunglasses At Night Phenom
- 04: Previous Labors, Rewrapped!
- 03: I’d Like To Take The Opportunity To Criticize Your Choice To Rob A Bank While Invisible
- 02: Re-Stating The Rules of ‘The Wave’
- 01: Words For Her Enjoyment: Janet Returns
- 31: If You Were On Fire And All I Had Was A Really Expensive Coat
- 30: This Entire Blog Is A Joke
- 29: Ten Movies Whose Plotlines Would Change By Simply Adding The Word ‘Cheese’ To Their Titles
- 28: An Emmy Story (Or, Paula Abdul’s Assistant Needs Deodorant)
- 27: Automobile SOS Buttons Are The New Crank Call
- 26: Rejected Alternate Taglines From The ‘What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas’ Tourism Ad Campaign
- 25: Words For Your Enjoyment: The Ambassador’s Club
- 24: I’m Here For You, Fellow Blackberriers
- 23: WFME’s Male-Centric You Decide: A Painless Nail In The Head or A Weekly Pedicure?
- 22: A Brief Excerpt From My New Play, ‘Green Tea Is Good For You’
- 21: WFME Helps Out The Ladies
- 20: Top Ten New Career Choices As Inspired By Misspelled Spam E-Mail Subject Lines
- 19: An Open Letter To ‘Elbow Sandpaper Guy’
- 18: Today’s Stunning Supermarket Admission #329
- 17: Since I Hate Attention Today’s Post Will Not Be About My Birthday
- 16: Magazine Words on TV
- 16: Today’s Brief Question About Why You Keep A Cigarette Behind Your Ear
- 15: I Want To Do Ludicrous Things That You May Actually Also Want To Do As Well
- 14: Roseanna Arquette Won’t Buy Her Kids A Dog (Sort Of)
- 13: Just Call Me The Freckle Lancer
- 12: Today’s Wrong Number Transcript
- 11: Janet Is Evicted (The Q&A Session)
- 10: Today We Will Vote Out One Of Yesterday’s Commenters
- 09: Lucky Charms, Without the Lucky (Or, I Can Create Better Cereals Than You Guys)
- 08: Today’s Prognosis on Doorbell Ditch
- 07: It Sort Of Sucks That Because Of This Post My Other Post About The Action Figure Based On Me Has Scrolled Off The Main Page
- 06: WFME Makes Over The Tooth Fairy
- 05: Ten Rules for Pretending To Be British
- 04: Words For Your Enjoyment: Animated Toe Fungus
- 03: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With The Rolled Up Pashmina Currently Pretending To Be Tom Cruise’s Baby Suri
- 02: The Action Figure Based on Me
- 01: If I Was Trapped In A Collapsed Cave With A Miner Who Wore A Ski-Mask All The Time
- 31: Mel Gibson: The Cover-Up Continues
- 30: A Short Excerpt From My New Book, “Bao!”
- 29: I Am Blacker Than Jessica Stover
- 28: AMEX, Podcast, AMEX
- 28: Words For Your Enjoyment: Lost Words
- 27: Today WFME Will Be Banning Car Ashtrays
- 26: Nostradamus Girl Costs Me Cash
- 25: Taxidermy Is The New Accounting
- 24: I Sound Just Like Chris Martin
- 23: And Then There Were 25
- 22: Today I Will Challenge Country Singer Paul Davidson To A Duel
- 21: Words For Your Enjoyment: Non-Q&A
- 20: The Boo Factor
- 19: Today I Will Challenge USA Today Writer Paul Davidson To A Duel
- 18: That Twitching Underneath My Skin Can’t Be Normal
- 17: I Think My Checker Is Up To Something
- 16: No Blog Post Today
- 15: Stupid People Love Accidents
- 13: If I Was Only A Confetti Nose Sneezer
- 12: Words on DVD
- 12: Reason #43 Why I Will Be A Millionaire
- 11: A Brief Excerpt of Dialogue From The Climax Sequence In A Film I’m Currently Writing, Tentatively Called ‘I Think My Finger Is Stuck In This Coke Bottle’
- 10: If I Was An Evil High School Guidance Counselor
- 09: This Blog Is Better Than Your Psychologist
- 08: Today’s Overheard Conversation Including A Man, An Extremely Warped and Melted CD Jewel Case and a Tower Records Employee
- 07: Words For Your Enjoyment: White Lies
- 06: I Am Afraid of Lime Juice That Isn’t Mine
- 05: Today’s Behind-The-Scenes Look At How A Screenwriter Brushes His Teeth
- 04: WFME’s Declaration of Dependence
- 03: When A Band’s Name Should Not Be The Same
- 02: Questions Asked At A Starbucks Interview
- 01: What’s Up With All The Mango?
- 30: The Continuing Saga of Star Jones
- 30: Words For Your Enjoyment: Names on Bricks
- 29: Your Silent Cry Is Worth Its Weight In Gold
- 28: Star Jones Will Be Joining WFME
- 27: Today’s Prognosis on Disappearing Animals
- 26: A Brief Historical Timeline of My Parachute Pants
- 25: Demand My Words
- 25: Katey Sagal Has Entered The Witness Protection Program
- 24: WFME’s You Decide: Coughing Up A Lung or A Small Ferret
- 23: Words For Your Enjoyment: Best of Both Words
- 22: Quotes From A Blogger
- 21: The Homeless Are Smarter Than Me
- 20: It’s Come To My Attention That Hollywood Stars Are Reading This Blog
- 19: Why ‘The Lake House’ Is Completely Unrealistic
- 18: It’s Time To Stop Complaining About Your Paper Cuts Like They’re War Wounds
- 17: There’s A Squirrel In My Fridge
- 16: Words For Your Enjoyment: Re-Readers
- 15: WFME’s Thermal Thursday
- 14: Do Me A Favor And Please Rank This Blog Post On A Scale of 1 to 10
- 13: Subject Line Here
- 13: I Could Be Your Smell Detective
- 12: Overheard Somewhere in Swakopmund, Namibia
- 11: An Open Letter To TV Producers Who Continue To Use James Blunt Over And Over And Over Again
- 11: Stunning Admission #10
- 10: If I Had A Plastic Axe Stuck In The Side Of My Head, Instead Of a Real One
- 09: Tune-In: WGN Radio
- 09: Words For Your Enjoyment: Richard Simmons vs. Neil Diamond
- 08: Bay Area Words
- 07: I Refuse To Say ‘Uno’ In Uno
- 06: An Excerpt From My New Short Story, “Do You Want Ketchup With That?”
- 06: Words On Stage
- 05: I Should Not Be Held Accountable For Killing My Hamster
- 04: Sorry, But I’m A Couch Bigot
- 03: Midget On My Doorstep
- 02: WFME’s Rules of Hugging (For Men)
- 01: I Am Afraid of June 1st
- 31: WFME’s You Decide: A Bird In The Hand or A Bird In The Bush
- 30: Ten New Ways To Answer The Phone That Will Really Make Your Callers Intrigued (Or, Confused)
- 29: Memorial Day MP3
- 29: Today’s Blatant Admission About Feeling Gum
- 28: The No Water Go Bad Conspiracy
- 27: Today’s Thoughts On Incomplete Spoon Tasters
- 26: Words For Your Enjoyment: More Lost Blogs
- 25: Today’s Brief Question About Why You Need People To Carry Your Crap
- 24: Saliva-Watch 2006
- 23: Airlines, Podcast, Airlines
- 23: FPJ Returns, Then Leaves My Life Forever
- 22: If I Had Actually Been That Kid Eric Stoltz Played In “Mask”
- 21: Intro, Podcast, Intro
- 20: Today’s Conversation In The Airport Bathroom That Never Happened
- 19: An Assembly Line of Words
- 19: This Post Was Written In Fifteen Minutes
- 19: Words on TV
- 18: I Am Now Worth $122.76
- 18: I Love You, But That Mole On Your Cheek Really Must Go
- 17: My Dinner With Matthew Perry & Sheryl Crow
- 16: Words From The Road
- 15: Seven Paragraphs About Chicken Wraps
- 14: The Post Where Bulletpoints Figure Prominently
- 13: Three Separate Paragraphs From Three Separate E-Mails That I Decided To Delete Before Sending For A Variety Of Obvious Reasons
- 12: Catching Up With The Lost Blogs
- 11: 10 Rules For Eating Out of The Garbage
- 10: How Joe Pesci’s Speech From Goodfellas About Being A Clown Might Have Sounded If He Was Being Accused Of Being A NASA JPL Technician Instead
- 09: I Seem To Be Having A Medicine Aisle Standoff
- 09: Abe & Sarcomical
- 08: Yes. It’s Here. Really.
- 07: Six Easy Steps To Forming Your Own Successful Charity
- 06: Somebody Threw A Croissant On My Doorstep
- 05: Three Real Conversations And One Fake One
- 05: Since I’ve Used Up Every Clever Title Combination For ‘The Lost Blogs’ I’ll Refrain This Time Around
- 04: I Could Be Your Considerate Intervention Giver
- 03: An Intimate Conversation with Tom Cruise
- 02: This Post Will Only Be Good For One Hour
- 01: Today’s Thoughts on No-Skill Ladder Holders
- 30: Aquariums: Stupid Wastes Of Time or Stupid Wastes of Time?
- 29: Today’s Post Will Be About Amazon, How They’re Shipping My Book Now, How Giddy That Makes Me Feel And A Short Story About The Post Office Angel
- 28: Words For Your Enjoyment: Blog Scavenger Hunt
- 27: Today’s Prognosis on Pomegranate Juicers
- 27: More Lost Blogs, More Sports Talk
- 26: WFME’s Bad Job Wednesday: Tollbooth Taker
- 25: Illustrated Words
- 25: People Just Don’t Want To Eat A Stick of Butter
- 24: Housewarming Sayings
- 24: Two Weeks And Counting
- 23: If I Had A Disease That Caused My Bowels To Empty Every Time You Shook My Hand
- 22: It’s Time To Come Clean About My Big Head
- 21: Announcing the NEW Lost Blogs
- 21: Words For Your Enjoyment: Talking with TomKitten
- 20: An Operation of Words
- 20: I Am So Street
- 19: Excerpts From My New Book, ‘How To Get Someone To Drop A Gun’
- 18: WFME’s You Decide: Getting Hit In The Head With An Anvil or A Dead Kangaroo
- 17: I Could Be Your Expert Cloud Spotter
- 16: Winners of The Lost Blogs
- 16: Ten Rules for Making Rules
- 15: The Little (Big) Problems of a Trucker
- 14: It Is What It Is
- 13: I Am Afraid of Marco Polo
- 12: Ladybug: The Most Coddled Bug In The World
- 11: Today’s Rumors About Celebrities
- 10: If My Left Hand Was A Wet Piece of Steak And My Right Hand Was A Tuba
- 09: Today’s Thoughts on Nose-Picker Eye-Lockers
- 08: I Can’t Stop Calling ‘Shotgun’
- 07: Words For Your Enjoyment: Historical Words
- 06: Stunning Admission #9
- 05: WFME’s State of the Blogosphere
- 04: I Am A Compulsive Box-Taper
- 03: WFME’s 10 Obscure Ways To Snag A Man
- 02: Scott Baio Likes To Steal Your Table
- 01: An Open Letter to ‘Woman Eating Vat of Clam Chowder In Car’
- 31: Words For Your Enjoyment: The WOMP
- 30: I Am The King of Reaching For The Check (But Never Getting It)
- 29: Why Sometimes Y?
- 28: I Am Afraid of Keychain Clutterers
- 27: If ‘Field of Dreams’ Happened to Me
- 26: CSI’s Gary Dourdan Likes To Drive Fast, Then Stop As If He’s Going To Kick Your Ass
- 25: How Line Drawing In Cars Can Save The World
- 24: Young, Rich & Beautiful Words
- 24: Words For Your Enjoyment: Just Adding Water
- 23: Death of the Piggy Back Ride
- 22: Five Faulty Excuses For Not Opening The Car Door For A Lady
- 21: My Official Stance on Trees
- 20: I’m No Shuttle Commander And Neither Are You
- 19: I Could Be Your Safecracker-Upper
- 18: Matthew Perry Just Wants A Diet Coke
- 17: Words For Your Enjoyment: The GBBMC
- 16: If I Was In ‘Say Anything’ And Didn’t Have A Boombox
- 15: Dhoug, Podcast, Dhoug
- 15: Law of the Armrest
- 14: The Post Where I Mourn ‘Falling Into Water’
- 13: Today’s Intervention with Patrick Swayze
- 12: The Gone-Missing Blog Post Beginnings
- 11: If We Were Both Trapped In A Mineshaft, I Would Totally Entertain You
- 10: Words For Your Enjoyment: Potpourri Friday
- 09: Today’s Alarming Conversation With DirecTV
- 08: Today’s Prognosis on Soup In A Bread Bowl
- 07: I Can’t Climb A Rope To Save My Life
- 06: A Glorious Return to Questions
- 05: Gibberish, Podcast, Gibberish
- 05: My Academy Award Speech (If I Was Mute)
- 04: Birds, Hands & Bushes
- 03: Secretive Words
- 03: Words For Your Enjoyment: Your Habits
- 02: An Open Letter To You, Mr. Fruit-Squeezer
- 01: Words About McDreamy
- 28: I Probably Wouldn’t Save You If Your Car Was Hanging Off An Embankment
- 27: Their Lost Blogs
- 26: Jessica Simpson’s Got An Easy Alarm Code
- 26: If I Lost My Left Foot In A Tragic Skiing Accident That Involved A Bear, Two Explosive Devices And A Leaf Blower
- 25: I Am The Ambassador of Sprint
- 24: Words For Your Enjoyment: Last Pieces
- 23: Examining The Auto-Nod
- 22: I Am Afraid Of Mayonnaise That Isn’t Mine
- 21: Backwards Be Will Post Today’s
- 20: Why Running Sucks
- 19: The Post Where I Speak In The Third Person About Not Liking To Speak In The Third Person
- 18: If My Bathroom Actually Had A Live Studio Audience
- 17: Words For Your Enjoyment: Oreos
- 16: Colorful Words
- 16: Words About Hills, Eyes, Having Them
- 16: Your Words About Abercrombie & Fitch
- 15: I Am Starting My Own Religion
- 14: Today’s Post Will Not Be About Valentine’s Day
- 13: Monica Potter’s Husband Doesn’t Think He’s Part of a Hollywood Couple
- 12: I Will Throw Rocks In Glass Houses
- 11: A Brief Question About Coasters
- 10: Words For Your Enjoyment: Speaking in Lyrics
- 09: Getting ‘In Touch’ With Mr. Six
- 09: I Am Afraid of Sell-By Dates
- 08: I Am A Know-Nothing Sports Enthusiast
- 07: I Am A Professional ‘This Hand or That Hander’
- 06: No More Codes, Please
- 06: New York Post-age
- 05: If This Post Was Like A Sitcom
- 04: No, I Don’t Drink Coffee
- 03: Words For Your Enjoyment: Your Personal Theme Song
- 03: Mr. Six Revealed! (Part 2)
- 02: Back To ‘The Lost Blogs’
- 01: Words of a Guest
- 01: Mr. Six Revealed!
- 31: I Could Be Your Elevator Door Holder
- 30: No, I Don’t Want To See You Balance A Salt Shaker On Sugar
- 29: More Unused Words
- 28: Do You Believe In Life After Love?
- 27: WFME’s Battlestar Friday
- 26: The Monopoly Piece Obsession
- 25: Words About Pills
- 25: I Am Feeling The Urge To Eat Styrofoam Packing Peanuts
- 24: My Book Is Thicker Than Yours
- 23: Three Pretend Cell Phone Conversations I’m Having So I Sound Like I’m More Important Than I Really Am When I Walk Past You On The Street
- 23: I Have Slept With Kevin Bacon
- 22: Today’s Prognosis on Line-Stander Asker-Holders
- 21: Ten New Ways To Sign Letters
- 20: Words For Your Enjoyment: Un-Commented Comments
- 19: My Left Hand Is Bigger Than My Right Hand
- 18: A ‘Feast’ of Words
- 18: I Could Start An Awesome Cult
- 17: The Washcloth Conspiracy
- 16: Drew Carey Likes Sitting In The Front Row
- 15: This Post Will Be More Self-Reflexive Than Funny
- 14: I’m Hearing A High-Pitched Tone
- 13: Words For Your Enjoyment: Finger Licker Pageturners
- 12: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With James Frey
- 11: This Post Will Be About My Displeasure With The Changing Of The Law & Order Font
- 10: I Could Be Your Superstar Anesthesiologist
- 09: Reminding Words
- 09: If I Could Throw A Tantrum
- 08: I Have Problems With ‘Long Duk Dong’
- 07: I Am Afraid I Sucked On ‘Design on a Dime’
- 06: Words For Your Enjoyment: Nothing, Whatsoever
- 05: I Worry The Police Who Find My Dead Blogging Body Will Not Leave A Good Enough Eulogy Post On This Site
- 04: Today’s Thoughts on Barbecue Egomaniacs
- 03: Jubilee, Podcast, Jubilee
- 03: My Brand New Straight-Forward Pyramid Scheme
- 02: (Subliminal) Nominating Words
- 02: The Pocket-Filler Factor
- 01: Enough With The Chips
- 31: The Best Of Words
- 30: Words For Your Enjoyment: New Year’s Dissolutions
- 29: Today’s Prognosis on Balloon Animals
- 28: I Refuse To Go To Your Funeral, Stranger
- 27: Airplane Travel Rule #110
- 26: It’s Over, Okay?
- 25: I Can Determine What’s In That Box Without Opening It Whatsoever
- 24: Words For Your Enjoyment: Happy Holidays
- 23: You Can Just Call Me ‘The Generalizationalizer’
- 22: Today’s Thoughts on Fake Fruit
- 21: I Want To Wear An Eyepatch
- 20: Robert Patrick Is A Noisy Wheat-Grass Drinker
- 20: I Like You, I Really Do
- 19: Origins of ‘Bed of Shred’ (And Celebrities)
- 18: John Tesh Loves His Cell Phone
- 17: I Am Afraid Of Your Musical Nose
- 16: The WFME Holiday Party
- 15: My Not-So Indecent Proposal
- 14: Questions, Part IV
- 13: No, You May Not Hold Up Clothing In Front Of Me
- 12: Hardcover Words
- 12: If I Was A Hotshot Rock Climber
- 11: The Death of Shrines
- 10: It may not be a great poem but it’s mine and I like it that way.
- 09: Words For Your Enjoyment: Misspelled Comments
- 08: I Cannot Get Through ‘The Ring’
- 07: Today’s Prognosis on Chores
- 06: The Pauly D Cologne
- 05: Pre-Ordered Words
- 05: Zach Braff Shops At Petco Just Like You!
- 04: Today’s Thoughts on Mic-Stand Knocking Over
- 03: Half-A-Stick-A-Gum
- 02: Words For Your Enjoyment: Nail Clippings
- 02: Joe Jackson, Podcast, Joe Jackson
- 01: I Could Be Your Rollerskate Advice Therapist
- 30: Seth Green Doesn’t Like To Be Seen At Rite-Aid
- 29: The Sidewalk Protectorate Factor
- 28: If I Was Going To Break Out of Prison
- 27: Lotion, Shampoo, Hair-Gel or Food?
- 26: Think About It
- 25: Words For Your Enjoyment: Personal Postal Services
- 24: Hacked Words
- 24: No Thanks, Giving
- 23: I Can Keep You From Passing Me By
- 22: True Men of Genius: The DVD Jukebox Filler-Upper
- 21: A Brief Question About You and Bottles
- 21: My Original (Deleted) First Post Ever
- 20: Why My Funeral Will Be So Much Better Than Yours
- 19: This Post Will Come In Right Under The Wire
- 18: Words For Your Enjoyment: Pet Sounds
- 17: My Cabbie Doesn’t Wanna Talk
- 16: Today’s Thoughts on Vomit Bags
- 15: Today’s Open Letter From My Pinky Toe
- 14: If I Was In ‘Fried Green Tomatoes’
- 13: Today’s Thoughts on Public Apple Eaters
- 12: Cracking the Code
- 11: Blogged Words
- 11: Words For Your Enjoyment: Secret Structures
- 10: Small Hands, Big Problem
- 09: WFME’s Menagerie of Thoughts
- 08: Liveblogging The Magazine Subscription Card Experience
- 07: The Danger of Escalators
- 06: Kristy McNichol Is Following Me, Pt. 2
- 06: I Am Afraid of Club Cards
- 05: An Excerpt From My New Novel, ‘Radioactive Cheese’
- 04: Comic Words
- 04: Words For Your Enjoyment: Your Fitness Equipment
- 03: Today’s Thoughts on ‘It’s Not Me, It’s You’
- 02: Mr. T Likes The Double-Shot Espresso
- 01: I Am The King of Resetting Clocks
- 31: If I Were In Skokie, Illinois
- 30: The ‘Ruh-Roh’ Disease
- 29: Death Bed Lines I Hope To Have
- 28: Words For Your Enjoyment: 80’s Music Videos
- 27: George Clooney Is Owed Money
- 27: Today’s Thoughts on The Rub Stomach/Pat Head Guy
- 26: WFME’s Self-Congratulatory 1,000th Post
- 25: My House Has The Best Candy
- 24: Today’s Post Will Have More Comments Than Ever Before
- 23: The Items of 10 Items or Less
- 22: If I Had A Monkey On My Back
- 21: Please Don’t Mangle the Community Butter
- 20: Her Words
- 20: Question 71B About Gas Tankers and Hair
- 20: I Can’t Hear You, Drugstore Standing Homeless Fundraiser Guy
- 19: This Post Will Not Be Called ‘Tidbits of Life’
- 18: The 20 Millionth Blog
- 17: Today’s Prognosis on Sweating
- 16: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Me, 10 Years Ago
- 15: Unused Post Titles (That Will Remain Unused)
- 14: Words For Your Enjoyment: Anal Work Obessions
- 13: Bein’ The Drugstore Cowboy
- 12: If I Was The Sixth Kid in ‘The Breakfast Club’
- 11: My Hair Stylist and I Have Nothing In Common
- 10: There Ain’t No Ocean in This Shell
- 09: Today’s Brief Thought About Punching Sounds in Movies
- 09: Your WFME Psychological Evaluation: Bubble Wrap Edition
- 08: I Can’t Remember Seven Numbers
- 07: Words For Your Enjoyment: Cold Pillows
- 06: Childhood Memories That Never Happened
- 05: The Treasure Hunt Solution
- 05: Return of the Blog Treasure Hunt (Again)
- 04: Disasters, Podcast, Disasters
- 04: I Could Be Your Braider-Dude
- 03: Cheri Oteri Likes To Wear A Hat
- 02: The ‘I’m Shutting the Blog Down’ Post (From the Future)
- 01: Today’s Thoughts While Balancing My Checkbook
- 30: Words For Your Enjoyment: Imaginary Friends
- 29: I Am Not Really Allergic to Bees
- 28: ‘The Brady Bunch’ vs. The U.S. Constitution
- 27: I May Appear Dead, But I’m Not
- 26: The Fingernail Factor
- 25: I Could Be ‘That Guy’
- 24: Alternative Titles for ‘Flightplan’
- 23: Words For Your Enjoyment: Games People Play
- 22: Words of ‘Doom’
- 22: Not Wishing I Had A Dollar
- 21: The Post Where I Complain
- 20: I Can’t Type The Characters In The Picture
- 20: Waiting For The Phone-Shoe (Still)
- 19: Emmy (Or, Um me?)
- 18: I Am Liking This Flavor-Scented Water
- 17: Soy Bean, Podcast, Soy Bean
- 17: I Can’t Drink Out of a Flask
- 16: Words For Your Enjoyment: Katrina Badgering
- 15: Today’s Prognosis on Thank You Notes
- 14: The Other Paul Davidson Is More Traveled Than Me
- 14: If I Were Kate Hudson in ‘The Skeleton Key’
- 13: Questions, Part XVI
- 12: I Think I Love You, Automated Phone Woman
- 11: Dangerous Ponderings (Or, Yes I’m Stupid)
- 10: Paul & Order
- 09: Words For Your Enjoyment: Food Newtons
- 08: Today’s Thoughts on Pulling the Plug
- 07: How R. Kelly’s ‘I Believe I Can Fly’ Shapes My Life
- 06: More Words About Kanye
- 06: If I Had an English Accent
- 05: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Kanye West’s Monologue Coach
- 04: To Join The Family of Dots
- 03: I Could Be Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man
- 02: Searchable Words
- 02: Words For Your Enjoyment: Adult Swimming
- 01: This Post Will Inform You That There’s Media To Peruse
- 01: Yes, You Have to Pay For Parking
- 31: If Kenny Rogers Wasn’t My Uncle
- 30: The 2nd Book, Revealed!
- 30: I Am The King of Crappy Legal Advice
- 29: If I Was On ‘Battlestar Galactica’
- 28: The Cult of Wipe
- 27: The Best Of Words
- 26: Words For Your Enjoyment: Adult Tattle Tales
- 25: WFME’s You Decide: Jon or John
- 24: Today’s Prognosis on Car Wash Greeting Card Buying
- 23: Today’s Brief Question About You and Whack-A-Mole Pointing
- 23: Living With Misnomensentia
- 22: If I Was A Pirate Psychologist
- 21: You Cannot Comment On This Entry About Me
- 20: If I Worked in Hell
- 19: Words For Your Enjoyment: Fanaticals
- 18: I Am Afraid of Losing At Thumb Wars
- 17: I Am Not Obsessive Compulsive
- 16: The Darker Side of Toothpicks
- 15: Geena Davis Likes to Cut in Line
- 14: Today’s Prognosis on ‘Proved in University Testing’ Graphics
- 13: I Don’t Know The Words To Songs, And I Feel Fine
- 12: Words For Your Enjoyment: The Could Nots
- 11: The Return of Questions, Redux
- 10: Corey Haim Is Not On Atkins
- 09: Why Being Punk’d Online Isn’t The Same Thing
- 08: Today’s Thoughts on Food Wrapped in Food
- 07: Grunt, Podcast, Grunt
- 07: ‘What’s Your Traffic?’ is the new ‘What’s Your Major?’
- 06: My Words, Their Filibuster
- 05: Words For Your Enjoyment: No-Manner Car Snakes
- 04: Nice Guy to Bastard in 180 Degrees
- 03: I Could Be Your Misdirected Advice Giver
- 02: Your Car Has A Dent So I’m Staying Away
- 01: Printed and Bound Words
- 01: Today’s Prognosis on James Van Der Beek and Dog Kissing
- 31: WFME’s It’s True! (Paula Abdul is Crazy Edition)
- 30: An Open Letter To You, Labelmaker
- 29: The Curse of ‘Princes’
- 29: Words For Your Enjoyment: Capital Letters
- 28: If Blogging Was A Neighborhood, You’d Kill Your Neighbors
- 27: ATM Pressure (Or, I’m Not A Bomb Diffuser)
- 26: Cough, Podcast, Cough
- 26: Jeremy Sisto’s Dog Likes My Dog
- 25: I Have Got A Really Sad Entourage
- 24: I Am Afraid of Sephora
- 23: I Can See You’re Unsure of Your Thoughts
- 22: Words For Your Enjoyment: Attention Whores
- 21: Plagiarized Words
- 21: WFME’s You Decide: Affection or Inflection?
- 20: Audio on Paper
- 20: If I Were In ‘The Cutting Edge’
- 19: Elmo Wants His BMW
- 18: Nobody Likes Your Name
- 17: A Second Helping of ‘Princes’
- 17: Jon Cryer Doesn’t Have An iPod
- 16: I Sound Like I Can Travel Through Time
- 15: Words For Your Enjoyment: Ice Cream Fears
- 14: Audio Winning Words
- 14: I Ask The Tough Questions
- 13: Today’s Prognosis on Peace, Out
- 12: 9 Words
- 11: Today’s Thoughts on Public Grooming
- 11: More Words on Princes
- 10: Why Being a Zombie Has Its Advantages
- 09: I Can No Longer Dress Myself
- 08: Words For Your Enjoyment: Revenge
- 07: The Return of WFYE
- 07: The Cult of the Insistor
- 06: Words About Princes
- 06: Getting Zapped!
- 05: The Flaw In Underwater Tea Parties
- 05: Words Elsewhere
- 04: If The 4th Was Called “Bimbo”
- 03: Kristy McNichol Is Also Following Me
- 02: The Science Behind 3-Day Weekends
- 01: Welcoming Words
- 30: I Am Afraid of IKEA
- 29: Movie Reviewer Construction Kit: War of the Worlds Edition
- 28: I Am Afraid of The Columbia House CD Club
- 28: The Instantaneous Rigatoni Factor: Celebrity Edition
- 27: If I Was A Blogger With A Lack of Short Term Memory
- 26: An Island of Words
- 25: If I Ate Bugs
- 24: Me and “My Part” in The Breakfast Club
- 23: Long Term Words
- 22: The Post Where I Lament About Not Getting Any More Calls From Solicitors
- 21: Searching Out Mr. Six
- 20: Princely Words
- 19: WFME’s You Decide: Pepto or Necco?
- 18: Words, California-Style (Or, Airplane Mold)
- 17: Today’s Call From Kate Holmes
- 16: Traveling Words
- 15: Today’s Call From Tom Cruise
- 15: Today’s Prognosis on Ivy League Goodness
- 14: Convincing Words
- 13: Slay Your Demons With Words
- 13: Bostoner Words (And Accents, Too!)
- 12: Broadcast Words
- 11: Today’s Prognosis on “If-I-Had-A-Dollar For Everytime You Did That” Crybabies
- 10: Words For Your Enjoyment: Cuban Ingenuity
- 09: Why My ‘Indecent Proposal’ Would Have Been A Little Less Indecent
- 08: Today’s Big Question: Keebler Elf or Oompa Loompa?
- 07: I Am Afraid of Hide n’ Go Seek
- 06: Today’s Missing Scene From Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith
- 05: I Have Seven-Hundred Thirty DVDs
- 04: Today’s Page Six Article About Katie Holmes (From The Future)
- 03: Words For Your Enjoyment: Deep Throat
- 02: If I Was An Abercrombie & Fitch Model
- 01: Recorded Words
- 01: Ian Ziering is Following Me
- 31: Potato Salad Is The New Stalin
- 30: Memorial Day MP3
- 29: Words From a Party
- 28: Sometimes, I Just Don’t Want To Get Ready
- 27: Sounds For Your Enjoyment: SBC Solicitors
- 27: Words For Your Enjoyment: High-Pitched Ear Ringing
- 26: How Watching the Finale of Lost Is Like Someone Smashing You In The Head With A Non-Stick Frying Pan
- 25: Today’s Prognosis on Butter Slatherers
- 24: Today’s Words About Ed Norton’s Fear of Jello
- 23: The Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes Factor
- 23: Words And Letters That Form Links
- 23: How My Life and The Movie Revenge of the Sith Are One In The Same
- 22: If I Was Rotting Corpse
- 21: If You’re Reading This, Then My Blogs Ability To Post Entries While I’m In Las Vegas Has Worked Extremely Well
- 20: Words For Your Enjoyment: Plastic Utensils
- 19: I Can Still Eat Three Packets of Crackers In Less Than A Minute Without a Glass of Water
- 18: Words From E3
- 17: Today’s Amusing Middle-Aged Nicotine Addicted Shoplifting Story
- 16: Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Latest TV Commercial: The Director’s Cut
- 15: The Post Where I Finally Give Up on SNL
- 14: I Could Be Your Assassin
- 13: Words For Your Enjoyment: Wife Beaters
- 12: This Post Will Be All Over The Place
- 11: Revisiting Solicitors, Part 99B
- 10: DM and Me
- 09: You May Not Know It, But My Face Isn’t Totally Symmetrical
- 09: The Advantages of Pre-Written Words
- 08: Today’s Thoughts on Thoughts
- 07: E3 and No Words
- 06: Words For Your Enjoyment: The WFYE Workout Video
- 05: The State of the Male Hug
- 04: Not So Lost
- 03: My New Top Gun Call-Sign
- 02: Magic Johnson Doesn’t Like To Work In
- 01: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Mary-Kate Olsen (5 Years From Now)
- 30: Saturday’s Stream of Consciousness
- 29: Words For Your Enjoyment: Intoxicated Snake Kissing
- 28: Rarity of the Day
- 28: Ben’s Musical Words
- 28: Athletic Words
- 28: Today’s Prognosis on Peanut Eaters
- 27: Today’s Words With Pitney Bowes
- 26: Celebrities Get Stood Up For Dates, Too!
- 25: When Towel Hitting Becomes Uncomfortable Gym Conversation
- 24: Whipped Words
- 23: I Could Be Your Own Personal Books-on-Tape Service
- 22: Words For Your Enjoyment: Guys and Pink Shirts
- 21: Your Boss Hates You
- 21: The Post Where I Come Up With An Equation To Once And For All, Determine The Amount of Bloggers In The Free World
- 20: A Galaxy of Words
- 19: The Post That Resembles Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight”
- 18: Sickle Cell Anemia And Chocolate Raspberry Truffles (Is Not The Name of This Post)
- 17: I Could Be Your Ill-Informed Tax Man
- 16: Today’s Thoughts on Angry Old People
- 15: Words For Your Enjoyment: Time-Wasting Web Games
- 14: When Questions Attack!
- 13: The Post Where I Announce That My Second Book Has Been Picked Up By A Publisher
- 13: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Britney’s Confirmed Unborn Fetus
- 12: Two People Who Should Be Thrown Out, Instead of the Tomatoes
- 11: Today’s Prognosis on Passive-Agressive Whisper Talking
- 10: Words About Blind Justice
- 09: How My Goatee Transformed My Life (Or, Shaving Accidents)
- 08: Words For Your Enjoyment: Video Games
- 07: Two Words, One Google Whack
- 07: Today’s Prognosis on Coupon Cutter-Outers
- 06: Lily Costner: Drugstore Edition
- 05: The Post Where I Ramble On About Indecisive Chicken-Pickers
- 04: I Could Be Your Two-Convo Multi-Hyphenate Listener
- 03: Today’s Thoughts on Nazi Wedding Cake Cutters
- 02: Today’s Cornucopia of Thoughts
- 01: Words For Your Enjoyment: Convicts and Pancakes
- 31: A Hollywood Story In Which All The Names Have Been Changed To Cartoon Characters To Protect Them From Gossip-Hungry Net-Savvy Rag Mags
- 30: Today’s Somewhat Rudimentary Thoughts About The Body’s Ear, Nose & Throat Area
- 29: Broadway Musicals Soon To Be On Their Way To You
- 28: I Could Be Your Name-That-Tune Guy
- 27: Easter Bunny Redux
- 26: Why Warm Nuts Will Save The World
- 25: Today’s Post Has Been Affected By Early Morning Travel Plans
- 24: A Brief Conversation About T-Shirts With Tobey Maguire’s Face On Them
- 23: Today’s Thoughts on Door-Handle Tissue Holding Crazies
- 22: Today’s Ill-Educated Bilingual Thoughts on Eating Cookie-Dough
- 21: A Lack of Words
- 21: I Am Faster Than My Computer
- 20: Sunday’s Obscure Celebrity Gossip
- 19: Pitches, Pet Monkeys and Pizzas
- 18: Words For Your Enjoyment: Pet Monkeys
- 17: WFME’s “Imagination Danger 911!”
- 16: I Definitely Did Not Meet Christina Ricci
- 15: Car For Sale
- 14: Exposing The Lie That Is Watercooler Talk
- 13: Sunday’s 5:41PM Pacific Standard Time, Post
- 12: Their Words and My Words
- 11: Words For Your Enjoyment: Finding Jesus
- 10: The Future of “Woo Hoo”
- 09: Unscripted Words
- 08: Today’s Thoughts on Time Travel
- 07: I Could Be Dead
- 06: The Ambiguousness of “How Now, Brown Cow?”
- 05: Camp, Shaving Cream and Psychological Distress
- 04: Words For Your Enjoyment: Designing Words
- 03: Llama vs. Kangaroo: The Debate
- 02: I Could Be Your Greek God of Misplacement
- 01: The Illogical Factor
- 28: Today’s Prognosis on Caps-Lock
- 27: Potential “Last Lines” of Movie Blockbusters Taking Place In An Ice Cream Shoppe
- 26: The Entry About Ian Ziering That Will Shock And Surprise You
- 25: American Midol
- 25: Words For Your Enjoyment: Rock n’ Roll
- 24: Jedi Mind-Trick Waiters
- 23: Words On ‘A Dime’
- 22: The Sadness That Accompanies No More Crank-Calling
- 21: The State of the ‘Lurker’
- 20: Found Words
- 20: Why Motivation is Dead
- 19: Titles For Today’s Post Which I Abandoned For This Post Instead
- 18: Words For Your Enjoyment: Doogie Howser
- 17: Today’s Prognosis on Fingernails
- 16: Today’s Amendment Re: Hilary Duff Running Like A Girl
- 16: My Childhood Memories Are No Longer
- 15: Searchable Words
- 15: Today’s Story About The Guy Driving Next To Me In The Toyota Camry
- 14: WFME’s Greatest American Hero Extravaganza!
- 13: Sad Words
- 13: I Could Be Your Gymnastic Coach
- 12: My New Foster Family
- 11: Words For Your Enjoyment: 30 Minutes or Less
- 10: Today’s Emotional Moment With A Phone Solicitor
- 09: I Am Afraid The Identical Version Of Me In An Alternate Universe Has A Better Life Than I Do
- 08: International Words
- 08: Klingons, Klingons Everywhere
- 07: WFME’s Technological Advances
- 06: Gleek-ed Words
- 05: Your Personalized License Plate Isn’t Fooling Anyone
- 04: Words For Your Enjoyment: High-Pressure Guilt Holidays
- 03: WFME’s “The Most Random Sentence Ever”
- 02: C. Thomas Howell Likes Freebies
- 01: February First’s Day o’ Fire (Or, I Don’t Know Much About Fire’s History)
- 31: If I Were Trapped In An Elevator With A Pregnant Woman
- 30: Today’s Thoughts on Elliptical Machine Excuses
- 29: L.A. Words
- 29: Digital Words
- 28: Words For Your Enjoyment: Smurfs
- 27: Today’s Prognosis on Ridiculous Break-ups
- 26: My Elaborate Solution to What’s Happening on ABC’s Lost
- 25: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Lorne Michaels After He Was Injected With Truth Serum
- 24: Fool Me Once, Twice, Three Times A Lady
- 23: I Could Be Your Own Personal Fruit Picker
- 22: I Will Not Call This Entry “Funny Monday”
- 21: Words For Your Enjoyment: The O.C.
- 20: Wired Words
- 20: A Few Words About Paley
- 20: Alternative Titles for American Idol
- 19: I Can Try On Clothes And Entertain Security Personnel All At The Same Time
- 18: The Majesty of Rock ‘n Roll (Or, What Once Was)
- 18: Today’s Prognosis on Couch Forts
- 17: You’ve Got a Blackhead But I’m Not Telling
- 16: The Post Where I Worry About Safety Issues For Those On Extreme Home Makeover
- 16: My O.C.DVD (Obsessive Compulsive DVD Collecting)
- 15: Scott Baio Doesn’t Know How To Validate His Parking Ticket
- 14: Words For Your Enjoyment: Middle Initials
- 13: I Am Uncomfortable With You Asking Me The Size Of My Shoe
- 12: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With My Colon
- 11: WE NEE,D YOUR GOOD HE-LP URGENT PLEASE!
- 10: Today’s Brutal Honesty About Your Desire To Say “Scrunchie-Magoo”
- 09: I Could Be Your “Hey!” Neighbor
- 08: The Sorry State of Gut-Punching
- 07: Words For Your Enjoyment: Predictions
- 06: Regis Philbin Doesn’t Know Me
- 05: The True Spelling of “Eh-uh Ah”
- 04: My Impression of a Doorbell Will So Fool You
- 04: Today’s Prognosis on Ice Skating
- 03: Words To Make Them Lose Their Mind
- 02: Scripted Words
- 02: I Can Discuss Football Like I Actually Know What I’m Talking About
- 01: A Long List of Failed Resolutions
- 31: The Best of Words
- 30: I Could Be The Hottest Young Rookie In NASCAR History Thanks To Days of Thunder
- 30: Funny Words (Author’s Opinion Only)
- 29: Read or Hear Their Words
- 29: WFME’s Nobody Is Listening, Part Deux
- 28: Alternative (Exciting) Taglines For Los Angeles’ Horrific “Stormwatch!”
- 28: It Is A Question of Installation
- 27: How To Be A Blog Stalker (Or, Blokker)
- 26: Today’s Prognosis on Magic Eye Puzzles
- 25: WFME’s Gift of the Future
- 24: Words For Your Enjoyment: Bee Sting Allergies
- 23: The Blog Manifesto
- 22: Lily Costner Returns
- 21: Words of Wonder
- 21: I Will Continue To Get My Ass Kicked By 12 Year Old Kids
- 21: My Head Is Not So Huge
- 20: WFME’s What Did This Post Used To Say?
- 19: Today’s Thoughts on ‘Dead Arm Snooze Alarm Syndrome’
- 18: If I Was In Blade
- 17: Words For Your Enjoyment: The Other Pauly D
- 16: Consumer Joe, Rescued!
- 16: Ode To ‘Block of Cheese’
- 15: I Could Be Your Bartender
- 14: Today’s Prognosis on Career Faxers
- 13: WFME Knitting Project #14: Holiday-Themed Gloves
- 13: My Words Thank You
- 13: I Have A Chewing Gum Problem
- 12: Eggs Grow Cold
- 11: Steve Zissou vs. Me
- 11: I Am Going To Pretend To Let You In My Lane, Then Speed Up
- 10: Words For Your Enjoyment: Axis of Evil Vacation Spots
- 09: Let Me Axe You A Question
- 08: Surprises Phased Out, Authorities Declare
- 07: The Second Coming of the Question Game
- 06: Tonight’s Plagiarized Idea About Giving Out Free Music
- 06: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Steven Soderbergh, 2-Years From Now
- 05: The WFME Mascot
- 04: I Could Be Your 1.5% Loved Best Humor Blog
- 03: Words For Your Enjoyment: Being Cheap
- 02: The FPJ Epilogue
- 02: Today’s Prognosis On Scraped-Nail Polish Syndrome
- 02: Love My Words
- 01: The 5-5-5 Factor
- 30: Drinking Coffee With Macaulay Culkin
- 30: I Cannot Be Your “Remember the First Three Numbers” Guy
- 29: Why Peas Suck
- 28: This Post Will Not Recap Thanksgiving
- 27: 10 Things I Hate About You That Are A Result Of You Wearing A Top Hat
- 26: Words For Your Enjoyment: Big Sales! (S.F. Edition)
- 25: Their Words in Print
- 25: Stuffing Is The New Mortar
- 24: Words on Hiatus
- 23: The General Lee Big Wheel
- 23: My Head Is Huge
- 22: Nominate Their Words
- 22: I Am Afraid of Ed Begley, Jr.
- 21: Malls
- 20: Lawlessness & Disorderly People/Activities
- 19: Words For Your Enjoyment: Anal Linkage II
- 18: If I Were Dead (Or, The Miller Family Loves Gyros)
- 17: The FPJ Coefficient
- 16: Words In Print, Redux
- 16: King Of…Something
- 16: Screenwriter Angst in L.A.
- 15: Why ‘Cookies’ Is A Stupid Name For ‘Cookies’
- 14: I Could Be Your Encourager
- 13: I Have Deleted Your TiVo’d Shows But Lied Repeatedly About It
- 12: Words For Your Enjoyment: Jenna Bush
- 11: Reminiscing About Zero
- 11: Russell Crowe is Afraid of Bean Burritos
- 11: WFME’s Hopeful Spam
- 10: Gift or Die!
- 10: Sir Gibbons Seyeh, Millionaire
- 10: Line Cutting
- 09: I’d Be The Life of the Party, If I Ate Live Fish For Entertainment Purposes Only
- 09: The “I Can Hard-Boil An Egg” Argument
- 08: Words From The Past
- 08: Yogurt Is Dead
- 07: Words In Print
- 07: You Will Never Learn
- 06: Today’s Amazing Invention — Candied-Fruity-Fries!
- 05: Hidden Words: The Winners
- 05: Words For Your Enjoyment: Hidden Words
- 04: If I Shared A Room With NYPD Blue’s Dennis Franz
- 03: Revisiting Solicitors, Part 54A
- 02: The Choir
- 02: The Post Where I Turn My Voting Experience Into A Really Over-The-Top Action/Adventure Movie
- 01: Bush vs. Kerry
- 31: Alternative (Not-So-Scary) Names for Today
- 30: I Have A Warm Hat
- 29: Debating Charity
- 29: Words For Your Enjoyment: Boba Milk Tea
- 28: SMG Gloats
- 28: How Die Hard Would Have Been Different With Me In It
- 27: A Little Milestone
- 27: Today’s Lesson on Successful Lie-Telling
- 26: The Benefactor Lost Scenes
- 25: The Benefactor Finale
- 24: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Ashlee Simpson’s Singing Voice
- 24: The Bed, Bath, Beyond Factor
- 23: You Think I’m Asleep In My Bed, But I’m Not
- 22: Words For Your Enjoyment: Little Black Books
- 21: Gum Smack-Talking: The Interview
- 21: Today’s Actual Fully-Real Conversation with Earthlink Technical Support
- 20: Today’s Prognosis on Bubble Tape
- 19: The Wes Anderson Experiment
- 19: If I Lived On The Sun
- 18: Pick Up The Floss
- 18: I Could Be Your Personal, Non-Electronic Voting Machine Guy
- 17: The Best Buy Greeter Coefficient
- 16: I Am The Luckiest 0% APR Guy In The World
- 15: The Benefactor B.S.
- 15: Words For Your Enjoyment: Fanny Packs
- 14: The Smarter You Are…
- 14: The WFME 411
- 13: Everybody Is Friends in Hollywoodland
- 12: The Gremlins Diet
- 11: Benefactor Monday Redux
- 11: The Dark Side of Makeovers and Re-Modeling
- 10: Anonymous Complaint Call From Anonymous Celebrity’s Representative
- 09: The Tale Can Now Be Told
- 09: My First Sick Day
- 08: Words For Your Enjoyment: Telegrams
- 07: If I Never Want To Talk To You Again For The Rest Of My Life, All I Have To Do Is Leave You A Message On Your Voice Mail
- 06: I Believe That Children Are Our Future
- 06: Do It Yourself Hollywood Gossip
- 05: Sugar Cereals
- 04: Hilary Duff Runs Like A Girl
- 04: Benefactor Monday
- 04: Three’s Company: The Blog Episode
- 03: My Latest Thwarting of a Phone Solicitor
- 02: Problem #52 With The Goonies
- 02: I Could Be Your Designated Driver
- 01: Words For Your Enjoyment: House Cleansing For The Very Rich (Or Lazy)
- 30: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With My Left Knee
- 29: The Bachelor Has Officially Jumped The Bass Fish
- 29: A Dramatic Story Where Details and People’s Names Have Been Changed to Ambiguous Initials and Weird-Nicknames To (I Assume) Protect Their Identity
- 28: Today’s Prognosis On People Who Pretend To Wash Their Hands After Going to the Public Bathroom
- 27: People Who Pronounce “Coincidence”, “Ko-ink-eee-dink”
- 27: French Air
- 26: If My Name Was Aaren
- 25: I Can Write A Song About Anything
- 24: Words For Your Enjoyment: The Beeper
- 23: Fifty-Nine and Counting…
- 23: All It Takes Is One Good Idea
- 22: Embrace The Angry Old People Of The World
- 22: I Could Be Your Human Alarm Clock
- 21: I Would So Handle Mr. Miyagi So Much Better Than Ralph Macchio
- 20: The “What, Oh Yeah” Factor
- 19: I’m Cheating On You
- 19: Sunday’s Product Placement Post
- 18: The “I Loved It” Movie Patron Commercials
- 17: Words For Your Enjoyment: Board Game Ass Kickings
- 16: When I Say Paper or Plastic That’s When You’re Supposed to Strike Up A Conversation With Me
- 15: Today’s Thoughts on Blog Merchandising
- 14: Consumer Joe Redux
- 14: Premiere of The Benefactor
- 13: My Own Numerology
- 12: FPJ, SMG, DF and Pauly D
- 11: I Am The Best Mover-Watcher On The Planet
- 10: Words For Your Enjoyment: Gum Whitening
- 09: Albert Finney Has a Driveway Concern
- 08: The Future of Concert T-Shirts
- 07: The Real W.F.M.E. Interview: Patton Oswalt
- 06: This Week’s Amazing Events (And Who Will Play Them In The Movie Version)
- 05: You May Think I Look Like Walter Cronkite, But You’re Way Off
- 04: Countdown to The Benefactor
- 04: Musical Artists Whose Names Double As Potential Bathroom Cleansers
- 03: Words For Your Enjoyment: Speed Reading
- 02: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Arnold Schwarzenegger
- 01: What Is “The Soul”?
- 31: PD in Daily Variety
- 30: Criticism for Writers
- 30: Please Don’t Ask Me To Play Office Nerf Basketball
- 29: Sunday Is My Bedfellow
- 28: The Insanity of Tongue Depressors
- 27: The Unveiling of Pauly D
- 27: I Spit On You, Westminster Dog Show (#6)
- 27: I Spit On You, Westminster Dog Show (#5)
- 27: I Spit On You, Westminster Dog Show (#4)
- 27: I Spit On You, Westminster Dog Show (#3)
- 27: I Spit On You, Westminster Dog Show (#2)
- 27: I Spit On You, Westminster Dog Show (#1)
- 27: Words For Your Enjoyment: The Real Pauly D?
- 26: I Could Be Your Psychologist
- 25: Today’s Ban
- 25: The Real Pauly D?
- 25: I Love Ya
- 24: Today’s Prognosis On Underwater Tea Parties
- 23: Is It The Thought That Counts?
- 23: The Sarah Michelle Factor
- 22: Friends In The Business
- 22: New Reality Game Show Titles That Also Double As Warnings In Extreme Emergency Situations
- 21: I Can’t Swallow Pills
- 20: Words For Your Enjoyment: Soap Operas
- 19: Celebrities Apologize Just Like Normal People Do!
- 19: When People Don’t Understand The Rules of Realty
- 18: Getting A Star
- 18: Regina Spektor In Da House
- 18: The Amazing American Airlines Airplane Ticket Challenge
- 17: If You And I Were Trapped In A Sinking Pod Of Some Kind And The Water Was Rising And Only One Of Us Could Survive, I Would Suggest A Game of 20 Questions
- 16: The Benefactor Is Coming
- 16: Larry King Interviews Me: The Lost Interview
- 15: Strange Wedding Stories
- 15: New Names for Soap That Double As Nicknames For Your Intimidating Neighborhood Bully or Soon-To-Be Introduced WWF Star
- 14: Cereal As The New Meal
- 13: Words For Your Enjoyment: Olympic Games
- 12: My Wireless Head Is About To Explode
- 12: I Am The First Actor/Star of Instant Messenger
- 11: We’ve All Stolen Gum
- 11: Had I Been Charleton Heston on the Planet of the Apes, I Would Have Done A Better Job Than Him
- 10: Hitchhiking To Mars
- 10: The De-Fizz Factor
- 09: The HBO Tease
- 09: Hollywood Obsessions (for Men)
- 08: Slap Me And Give Me The Blog Treasure Hunt Solution!
- 08: Are You Pimpin’?
- 07: In The Continuing Tradition of Good, Not Great
- 06: The Return of the Blog Treasure Hunt
- 06: Words For Your Enjoyment: Bigfoot
- 05: All About The Vibrato
- 04: Multi-Media
- 03: Tom Cruise & Me: A Minute By Minute, Detailed Journal
- 02: My Candy Lies In Wait
- 02: Today’s Prognosis On Back Handsprings
- 01: The Rules of Trying on Clothing
- 31: I Swallowed Ink
- 30: Words For Your Enjoyment: Sesame Street
- 29: I Was A Groundlings Dropout
- 29: I Can Perform Surgery On Myself
- 28: My Second And Last Politically-Themed Entry for 2004
- 27: If You Don’t Want To Read About My Middle-of-the-Road Good News, Skip This Post
- 27: I Could Be The Richest Highway On-Ramp Pan Handler Ever
- 27: Today’s Paranoid Conspiracy Theory on Phantom Words
- 26: Mayor Of The Gym
- 25: Coming Attractions
- 24: The Death of the Ice Cream Sundae
- 23: Words For Your Enjoyment: Halle Berry’s Deaf Ear
- 22: I’m In A Fight With Freddie Prinze, Jr.
- 22: If I’m Holding A Puppy, I’m Obviously A Nice Guy
- 21: Questions, Out of Retirement
- 20: To Fold Or Not To Fold
- 20: If You’re An Employer And You’ve Found My Blog, Here’s What You Really Need to Know
- 19: Freakin-Silly Putty
- 19: You Think You Know, But You Don’t (Or, My Homage to the MTV Show, “Diary”)
- 19: A Year of Words: The Best Of
- 18: I Probably Don’t Remember Who You Are
- 17: Why Blogging Is Just Like Getting Your Hand Slammed In A Car Door
- 16: That’s My Armrest, Not Yours
- 16: Words For Your Enjoyment: Telemarketers
- 15: If I Were In The Witness Protection Program
- 14: Today’s Prognosis On Body Odor
- 14: Sneak Preview of Untitled Ancient Caveman Action Story
- 13: Surviving on Coffee
- 13: The New Urban Legends (L00K! New!)
- 12: I’m Unknowingly Going To Leave My Left Blinker On
- 12: The Depressing Reality Of 2 Pound Burritos
- 11: There Was A Post Here And Now It’s Gone
- 10: Building a Better Chicken Joke
- 09: Just Call Me Mr. Bomb Diffuser Guy
- 09: Words For Your Enjoyment: Stupid People/Big Words
- 08: Thursday’s Insecure Singles Ad
- 07: Today’s Philosophy On Combining Jelly Beans To Form Flavors They Don’t Create Themselves
- 06: I Will Not Eat Out of The Garbage (Most of The Time)
- 06: Entourage Applications Now Available!
- 05: Do-It-Yourself Rant
- 05: Someone’s Stealin’ My Quarters
- 04: Indie Pen Dance Day
- 03: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Britney’s Unconfirmed Unborn Fetus
- 02: Lights, Wireless Phone, Paranormal Action!
- 02: Archived Words
- 02: Words For Your Enjoyment: Rotary Dial Telephones
- 01: I Am A Professional Rhymer And You Can’t Stop Me
- 01: Your Cell Phone Ringtone Isn’t Fooling Anyone
- 30: The Future of Oatmeal
- 29: Esta Noche’s Entreda Mala en Espanol
- 29: Kirsten Dunst Needs A Good Orthodontist
- 28: When Brit Happens
- 28: Monday’s Tribute to My Left Eyebrow
- 27: We Are Gullible (Or, Movie Endings We Already Know)
- 26: My New Best Friend, Regina Spektor
- 25: If My Middle Name Was “Danger”
- 25: Words For Your Enjoyment: Internet Whores
- 24: Days of Water & Meetings
- 24: I Await Your Apology
- 24: I Have Perfected The Art of Spending Money I Didn’t Think I Was Going To Get
- 23: I Do Not Have A Double-Jointed Thumb
- 23: Breaking Down the Walls of the Universe
- 22: Sizzlean
- 22: This Week’s Celebrity Look-Alike Sightings
- 22: How The Movie “The Terminal” And My Experience Being Trapped In A Parking Garage Are Sort Of, Kind Of Similar
- 22: Few Words, Many Stories
- 21: Re: Clowns
- 21: Non-Scary Clown Moment #45
- 21: Meet The Real American Clown
- 20: WFME’s Week Day Of Clowns
- 20: I Could Have Been An Olympic Medalist In The 100 Yard Dash
- 19: This Evening’s Thoughts While Staring Mouth Agape Into The Open Refrigerator (Or, I’m Thirsty)
- 19: The Next Chapter of Summer ‘04
- 19: I’ll Have Extra Tuna, Please
- 18: The Winning Solution
- 18: Words For Your Enjoyment: Today’s Blog Treasure Hunt
- 17: Who Wants To Turn Off the TV?
- 17: My Superpower Would Be “Having Correct Change”
- 16: Gas Prices, Big Wheels
- 16: Your Own Celebrity Gossip
- 15: My Childhood Drug Habit
- 14: Career Suicide Moment #421
- 14: Today’s Exclusive Interview With Bill Clinton
- 13: I Can Eat Three Packets of Crackers in Less Than A Minute Without A Glass of Water
- 13: Building a Better Piece of Gum
- 12: The Questions, They Are A Changin’
- 11: I Can Rule Out All of The Signs
- 11: Words For Your Enjoyment: Amy Linker
- 10: My Day Has Come
- 10: People Who Fear Conversation
- 10: Bless You or Cough-It-Easy?
- 09: An Un-Biased, Un-Scientific, Uneven Look at Airplanes
- 09: My Arm’s Strength Has Increased
- 08: Hollywood’s Buzz Factor
- 08: Hungry Hungry Hippos (Or, Good Training For Life)
- 07: I Am In Love With My GPS Tracking Gal
- 07: Me & Remo Williams: The Adventure Continues…
- 06: I Can Eat Stuff Out Of Your Mini-Bar And You’ll Never Know
- 06: Today’s Thoughts on Naming a Baby, “Apple”
- 05: Fame & Fortune in Iowa
- 04: It’s True, I Can Still Wang Chung Like The Rest of Them
- 04: Words For Your Enjoyment: Joan vs. Joan
- 03: This Week’s Useless Kitchen Item That Doesn’t Work
- 02: Where My Shoes Have No Name
- 02: Today’s Thoughts on Slo-Mo Walking Shots In Movie Trailers
- 01: Leonardo DiCaprio is Afraid of Popsicles
- 01: Stupid Me, Stupid S’mores
- 31: Promo for The Benefactor
- 31: Memorial Day MP3
- 31: The Day After The Day After Tomorrow
- 30: I Know The Science Behind Opening Jars
- 30: McDonald’s No More
- 29: I’ll Give You Money If You Give Me A Hollow Bowling Ball
- 28: Mark Cuban on CNNfn
- 28: The New Male Hug Redux
- 28: Words For Your Enjoyment: Toilet Paper Packaging
- 27: I Can Convince You That Chicken Strips Are Better Than Fish Sticks
- 27: This Week’s Amazing Events (And Who Will Play Them In The Movie Version)
- 26: Editors Are Gods
- 26: Kate Lee Wants To Be Your Friend
- 25: The Nightime Sniffling Sneezing Coughing Aching Stuffyhead Fever So You Can Rest Medicine
- 25: Why Shrek 2 and FOX’s The Swan Are The Same
- 24: An Open Letter To You
- 24: Under the Breath Crosswalk Talking
- 23: Three Paragraphs About My Public Storage Space
- 23: Sunday’s Extremely, No-Holds Barred, Happy Blog Post
- 22: Why Nails Are Stupid
- 22: I Can Vouch For Frank Whaley
- 21: WFME’s Official Guide to Good TV
- 21: Words For Your Enjoyment: Life Soundtracks
- 20: I Could Be Your Marriage Counselor
- 20: I Have Returned
- 19: The Disaster That Is Closed-Captioning
- 18: He Can Drink Beer Through His Nose
- 18: It’s a Wrap!
- 17: I Have Locked My Laptop To A Chair
- 17: Today’s Imaginary Conversation with Former Subway Spokesperson, Jared
- 16: There Are No Airbags In My Car
- 16: Le Produccion Diaree 1.516
- 15: Today’s Blatant Honesty About Food In Your Teeth
- 14: Dots vs. Dashes… And Dallas.
- 14: Words For Your Enjoyment: News Cliffhangers
- 13: Tray Tables in the Annoying Position
- 13: Today’s New Scary Holiday: Thursday the 13th
- 12: I am Always Pushing the Envelope
- 11: Ultra-Secret Travelogue
- 10: I Have Been Commerically Brainwashed
- 10: I Will Not Call This Entry, “Production Diary 1.510″
- 09: The Tragic Problems with Rock, Paper, Scissors
- 08: Your Head Is Bigger Than Mine And That Makes Me Extremely Happy
- 07: Production Diary 1.507
- 07: Words For Your Enjoyment: List Numbering
- 06: Six Attractive People In A Coffee Shop
- 05: Today’s Mind Blowing Discussion About The Universe
- 05: The Question Game Returns, Part Deux, Paragraph 4.32b
- 04: I Would Be Your Buddy If You Were Under House Arrest
- 04: Words That Rhyme with “Soap” That Remind Me of Summer in the Hamptons
- 03: Production Diary 1.503
- 03: Lily Costner and Me: Our Whirlwind Journey Across the World
- 02: The Bottom Line on Adhesive Backing
- 01: Thoughts on May 1st
- 30: Production Diary 1.430
- 30: Words For Your Enjoyment: Vegetarians
- 29: I Am The Most Successful Hypochondriac In The World
- 29: Production Diary 1.429
- 28: How Things Would Have Been Different If I’d Been Matthew Modine in Vision Quest
- 28: My Food Allergies Are Running For The Hills
- 27: Bad Handshakes
- 27: Movie Reviewer Construction Kit
- 26: Hollywood Skewered
- 26: Today’s Prognosis on Cottage Cheese Ceilings
- 25: If I Were A Weatherman
- 25: There’s Something I’m Not Telling You Here, and You Should Figure That Out From My Eyebrows
- 24: Production Diary 1.424
- 24: Silverware Up, Silverware Down
- 23: Production Diary 1.423
- 23: Words For Your Enjoyment: Organ Grinder Monkeys
- 22: Pigs Eat Hair
- 22: My Kaos Theory
- 21: Nurses & Needles
- 21: Dallas-Bound: Day 0.5
- 20: I Have More Talent In My Little Finger Than Zach Galligan
- 20: Today’s Imaginary Political Conversation with John Kerry (By Someone Who Knows Nothing About Politics)
- 19: I Scoff at Ketchup and Mustard on Hotdogs
- 19: Today’s Sourdough Bread Concerns
- 19: Jennifer Garner’s Freaky Toe
- 18: Hit Me in the Stomach as Hard as You Can Because I Can Take It
- 18: I Am Jaded
- 17: Results and More
- 17: WFME’s Price Is Right!
- 16: I Have Mastered Spooning
- 16: Words For Your Enjoyment: Writers Block
- 15: Bless Your Cough
- 15: The State of the Blog
- 15: Unconscious Pummeling
- 14: I Could Rig a Mountain for You
- 14: One Week Out (Or, Bold Italic Underline)
- 14: Today’s Thoughts on Complicated Urinal Positioning
- 13: No Calorie Life
- 13: If Kenny Rogers Was My Uncle
- 12: Half-Day? Half-Dead.
- 12: I Will Not Squish Spiders
- 12: Your Voice (And Trees Falling in the Forest)
- 11: Today’s Imaginary Conversation with the Easter Bunny
- 10: Songs for the Spinner
- 09: Dangerous Decisions (Or, War with Canada)
- 09: Words For Your Enjoyment: Your Own Movie Catch-Phrase!
- 08: Revenge of the Question Game, Part Deux
- 08: IKEA vs. Pauly D
- 07: Spirits in the Material World
- 07: Two Hundred Fifty Thousand Dollars
- 06: I Will Not Call This Entry, “These Updates Are For You, Angelina Jolie”
- 06: People Who Have to Brag About Eating Blowfish
- 05: Today’s Thoughts on Rubberbands as the New Bullet
- 04: Limericks Tell The Story
- 04: My Ability To Count At Stoplights Is Better Than Your Ability To Do It, Also
- 03: Odd Number Funny
- 03: My Crimes Are Not Obvious
- 02: How Blogging is Just Like Eating Frosted Mini-Wheats
- 02: Words For Your Enjoyment: Trump
- 01: A Brief Note From The Powers That Be
- 01: Schwimmer-Porn (Or Embarassing Celebrity Sightings)
- 01: April Fools (Or How Fools Ruin April 1st)
- 31: Raising Eyebrows
- 31: End o’ The Month Elephant Ending
- 30: Sad, Sad William Hung
- 30: People Who Share Gum
- 29: My Words, Your Comments (The Winners!)
- 29: Finally Woken
- 29: Today’s Actual Fully-Real Conversation with a Semi-Celebrity
- 28: Win My Words
- 28: Gigl-ersy Girl
- 27: Words From Above
- 27: Golden Weekend
- 26: If I Was Tom Cruise, Looking In A Mirror
- 26: Words For Your Enjoyment: Toast
- 25: Top 3 “I Did Not Cry” Moments
- 25: The Greatest American Hero Piano Concerto
- 24: Talkin’ Bout Scattergories
- 24: The Worst Possible Way To Die (Or, Punchcard Death)
- 23: The State of the “Yeah, No”
- 23: Today’s Prognosis on Salad
- 22: A Day of Trail Mix
- 22: My Extremely Depressing Imaginary Conversation with Steven Spielberg
- 22: Toe Length (Or You Got Freaky Long Toes, Girlfriend!)
- 21: Save the Pinatas!
- 21: Elevators: Microcosm of Society or Stinky Germ Receptacle?
- 20: If I Ran an Evil Intergalactic Spaceship
- 20: King of the HOB
- 19: Words For Your Enjoyment: Creeps
- 18: The New Book?
- 18: Trifecta of Questions
- 18: Three Conversations That Make No Sense
- 17: Rewind My Life
- 17: Obsessive Compulsive Star Sighters
- 16: The New Male Hug
- 16: Why I Fear Tofu
- 15: Nobody is Paying Attention
- 14: Edward Norton Wants His Car
- 13: Where’s George?
- 13: Today’s Thoughts on Fake Plastic Lemons
- 13: Ultimate Secrets Revealed!
- 12: Words For Your Enjoyment
- 11: Throat Scratching and Gleek
- 11: Today, I Have Nothing to Say
- 10: I Will Not Call This Entry, “Latest Happenings”
- 09: You Can Call Me, Cartoon-Pauly
- 09: A Month of Berries
- 08: The Question Game, Part 2
- 08: Man and a Garbage Can
- 07: Double-Baked Potatoes
- 06: Katie Couric vs. Jane Pauley
- 05: Tonight’s Ambiguous Story
- 05: Week 1, Approaching Light Speed
- 05: Words For Your Enjoyment: No-Pinkie
- 04: The Fonz
- 03: Today’s Amazing Invention — Edible Toothpicks!
- 02: A Buncha Buncha
- 02: All Hail Consumer Joe
- 02: Today’s Thoughts on Q-Tips
- 01: The New Gig, Part 2
- 01: The New Gig
- 29: Not Bill Murray!?
- 29: Tonight’s Missing Awards
- 29: Bad Movies and Good Decisions
- 28: Psychologically Unbalanced Hollywood
- 28: Anal Linkage
- 27: Friday’s Words For Your Enjoyment
- 26: Traffic
- 26: Me and Denzel Washington
- 26: The Lethargic World of Publishing
- 25: this is a lowercase title for my blog entry
- 25: The End of the World
- 24: Today’s Good News (And Who Will Be Starring In The Movie Version!)
- 24: When Stars Go Batty
- 23: Babies in Stomachs (Or Why I’m Glad I’m Not a Woman)
- 23: Beware the Taxman!
- 22: I Will Not Call This Entry, “The Week Ahead”
- 22: Television Murders and the “Can You Speak Slower, Please?” Debacle
- 21: The Karaoke Master Can Now Reveal His Secrets
- 21: Capri-Sun
- 20: The Completely Gross, Un-PC, Offensive Question Game
- 20: Radio Days, Part 2
- 20: Career Opportunities (And Pop Up Video!)
- 19: Toys!
- 19: The Grey Album
- 19: Me, The Etymologist
- 18: The Secret Behind Ben & Matt
- 18: Unfunny Day (Or, How An Escalator Ruined My Future in the Olympics)
- 18: The End of Celebrity Mole Yucatan
- 17: Looking for a Cow’s Rectum
- 17: All My Fame and a Glass of Water
- 16: Radio Days
- 16: Today’s Read Between the Lines Conversation
- 16: Mon-Sun-Day
- 15: The Dirty World of Publishing
- 15: Today’s Music Extravaganza
- 15: Sunday’s Movie Review from the Future
- 14: Robots Are Going to Take Over the World (Or Climb a Set of Stairs)
- 14: Allergy Update…
- 13: Hollywood Stupidity Story #57B
- 13: Why Disneyland Scares Me More Than Friday the 13th
- 12: Happy Valentine’s Day, Hope Your Eyes Aren’t on Fire…
- 12: Overheard
- 11: The O.C. and Ryan’s O.C.D.
- 11: Today’s Imaginary Conversation with Justin Timberlake’s Left Breast
- 11: The Bachelorette and American Idol
- 10: My Paranoid Thoughts on Wireless Faxing
- 10: The Brentwood Public Library
- 10: Stolen Super Squirrel
- 10: Norah Jones
- 10: In the Darkness of the Night
- 09: Me and Luke Perry
- 09: Celebrity Mole Yucatan
- 09: A Whole New World
- 09: You Like Me, You Really Like Me!
- 09: Theories on Vacuuming
- 08: Weekend Comes, Weekend Goes…
- 07: Search-less
- 03: Oh, The Things That I Do!
- 26: Lost in Translation
- 25: Lily Costner — Miss Golden Globes 2004
- 23: The Suck-age Effect
- 23: Shot to the Ass, and You’re to Blame…
- 22: Second Printing! (And the Juice)
- 19: When Aliens Attack, or Land Peacefully
- 17: Conspiracy Theories
- 15: I Suck.
- 09: Will Power & Clue Guessing
- 07: Twenty Dollars
- 06: The Busy Days of January
- 05: New Year’s Resolutions
- 04: Out of This World
- 03: Good and Bad
- 01: 2004, More
- 31: 2004, Whore
- 30: In America, In Baja Fresh
- 29: Me and My Neighborhood (Plus, Updates!)
- 27: Back in Los Angeles
- 25: A Sugar Filled Christmas
- 19: Legal Mumbo Jumbo
- 18: Television History
- 17: Lord of the Rings, “Return of the King”
- 17: Lord of the Farzi Electrical Contractors
- 16: The Big Question
- 15: Holiday Shopping
- 14: Another Weekend…Over!
- 14: Where’s Saddam? In U.S. Custody
- 13: Today’s Official Poem About Oranges
- 12: Diane Keaton and Her Old, Wrinkly Skin
- 12: Big Fish and My Fish
- 11: Celebrity Mole Yucatan
- 11: Paul Davidson on The Oprah Winfrey Show
- 11: Blow Up Beds
- 10: NPR’s All Things Considered
- 09: Before They Were Stars…
- 09: Dangerous Toys…
- 08: Average Joe
- 08: Conversations in Elevators
- 08: Holiday Shopping, Aliens & Dogs
- 07: Final Weekend Thoughts
- 07: The One Thousand Seven Hundred Dollar Man
- 07: Time Flies…


