Archives
Since August 2003, Words For My Enjoyment has amassed over 1000+ entries with over eight thousand comments.
Feel free to browse the archives by either using the search box above or wading through the posts at your own risk.
March 2010 November 2009 October 2009 March 2009- 27: I Am Officially Banning Things
- 09: Insert Shameless Plug For Travel Blog Here
- 03: I Don’t Quite Care How Many Glasses of Water You Drank Today
- 28: When Gas Station Attendant Conversations Are Almost As Confusing As ABC’s Lost
- 22: 25 Random Things About Your 25 Random Things
- 30: Face It, Cats Don’t Like You
- 29: Kick-Ass Words About Our Five Year Anniversary
- 24: Latest Internet Rumors About Barack Obama (That May Make Me Question Voting For Him)
- 06: It’s Time To Retire The Oh My Godder
- 22: The Comedy Schoolings of Mike Myers
- 10: Steve Jobs Is Skinny (And Other Headlines For Upcoming Wall Street Journal Articles)
- 07: Classic Movie Words
- 05: Words About Change
- 26: Reality TV Show Idea #45: Bathroom Splashers!
- 24: Today’s Ambiguous Conversation With Snoopy Drugstore Cashier Lady
- 22: Indiana Jones and the Jungle of the Swinging Shias
- 22: Consumer Joe Lives On
- 18: The Seinfeld Babysitting Question
- 12: Today’s Fond Memory of The Hills’ Spencer Pratt
- 10: It’s Time To Boycott Paper
- 07: I Wish I Had A Friend With A Prosthetic Leg
- 06: Today’s Speed Racer Review Using Only Car Sounds (And One Monkey)
- 06: Twitter This
- 05: Bonding With My Identical Cellf
- 31: Today’s E-Mail Exchange Between Me and Sarah Jessica Parker
- 31: WFME’s FAQ in Progress
- 29: Words About The Little Mermaid
- 27: The Auto-Eater Driver’s Test
- 04: Great Follow-Up Responses To Answers That Have No True Follow-Ups
- 02: Spoiling Lost
- 27: Today’s Blatant Admission #207
- 24: WFME’s Advice to High-Schoolers: Pole Vaulting Edition
- 23: Words About The Strike
- 21: Today’s Conspiracy About Almonds
- 15: I Have A Concern About Getting Through To The Next Level on American Idol
- 10: Persistence, Podcast, Persistence
- 18: How DirecTV Screws Its HD Customers
- 17: The Bread Bowl Battle
- 04: My Secret Ethnicity
- 03: WFME’s Gorilla/Human Factor: White Head Edition
- 03: My Extremely Touching Conversation With The Guy Selling Oranges On My Neighborhood Highway Onramp
- 14: Today’s Thoughts on Fire Retarded Products
- 05: Catching Another India-Based Technical Assistance Representative In A Lie
- 02: A Brief Post Outlining My Most Recent Problems With Today’s TV Soundtrack Hipness
- 18: The Secret of Life Cereal
- 13: Facebook Applications Are The New Pet Rock
- 13: The Darjeeling Is Limited
- 08: A Brief List of the Things That Hidden-Camera Reality TV Show Production Staff Members Are Tired Of Doing
- 06: Unresolved Arguments, Vol. 2
- 05: Ten Potential Settings For My New Hilarious (Forthcoming) Joke
- 28: The Karaoke Master Has Finally Been Taken Down A Notch
- 27: Letters to eBay, Letters to You
- 22: Giving Away The Letters
- 22: It’s Time To Pick The Condiments You Want On Your Subway Sandwich
- 18: There Are Certain Surgeries I’d Like To Perform With Zero Medical Training Whatsoever
- 16: What Is It With All The Thank Yous?
- 14: Words In Print
- 11: I Feel Bad For Masseuse Daters
- 08: I Am The Best Friend A Painter Could Ever Have
- 03: Today’s Brief Question About Life Maybe Possibly Being A Highway And My Thoughts On Not Wanting To Be Riding It All Night Long
- 02: The Post In Which I Congratulate Nicole Richie on Her Impending Babyness
- 01: I Continue To Question Whether Or Not There Are Air Bags In My Car
- 30: Leaving is the New Going
- 29: My 3 Year Old Nephew’s Advice on a Variety of Work Issues
- 27: WFME Will Be Knighted
- 26: Today Is The Day I Capitalize On The Success of Hairspray With Other Ideas for Movie Musicals Based on Grooming Products
- 25: If I Was Living In A Remote Mountain Cabin Writing The Next Great American Novel And You Had Been Lost In The Mountains Having Not Eaten For Twenty Days, I Probably Wouldn’t Give You Any Food
- 24: Wearing My First Eye Patch
- 23: An Excerpt From My One Man Play, ‘I’ve Got a Splinter’
- 22: The Church of TiVo’s Ten Commandments
- 21: One Isn’t Necessarily The Loneliest Number That You’ll Ever Do
- 20: Running My Own Ice Cream Mob
- 20: Look At It As A Vacation From Your Vacation
- 13: Redesign 3.0
- 13: The Fast Food Tides Are Changing
- 12: An Excerpt From My New Play, “The Falcon and the Snowman”
- 11: Today’s Advice To An Incarcerated Paris Hilton
- 09: A List of My Latest Athletic Accomplishments To Date*
- 07: Today’s Prognosis on Moments of Silence
- 06: Found: Ed Norton’s List of Dating Do’s & Don’ts
- 06: I Could Be Your Kiddie Pool Lifeguard
- 05: Unconfirmed Spoilers About The Sopranos Series Finale
- 04: Cheddar or Swiss
- 03: Replacing ‘Hottie’
- 02: Soundtrack, Movie, Film Short & Blog
- 01: A List of Five Imaginary Friends I Wish I Had As A Kid
- 31: This Year’s Newly Picked Up TV Pilots Have Taught Me Alot About Life
- 30: Think Of It As A Vacation For Your Fingers
- 30: The Post In Which I Discuss Seeing Cate Blanchett And Our Psychic Conversation
- 29: Introducing the Pauly-ku
- 28: Memorial Day MP3
- 27: The Final Paragraph From My Other Recently Completed Novel “Mars Outpost Alpha”
- 26: The Homeless Are Getting Exponentially Smarter (Or, My Need To Be Loved By Everyone Is Making Me Stupider)
- 24: I Want A Friend Who Wears An Eyepatch (But Isn’t A Pirate)
- 23: WFME’s You Decide: Receding Hairline Midget or Left-Leg Missing Cruise Shuffleboard Coach
- 22: Today’s Hypothetical Question
- 21: More Potential TV Game Show Concepts For Simpletons
- 20: I Could Be Your Goth, Heavy Metal, Nerdy, Quirky or Jerky Lab Worker On Your New Procedural Network Show
- 19: I Have Some Huge Problems With Ghost Whispering
- 18: Who Invented The Game Thumb War
- 17: Seth Green’s Salary
- 16: A Giant Music Explosion
- 16: Backed Into Parked Car, Who’s At Fault?
- 15: We Interrupt This Week’s Feature Blog-Presentation For A Seriously Opinionated Commentary On This Country’s Inability To Embrace Free Speech
- 15: Words For Arrow
- 14: The Brady Bunch Boardroom Briefcase
- 13: Week ‘o Searches!
- 13: Other Words That Can Be Made Out Of The Letters That Form ‘Mother’
- 12: How To Write An “Extreme” Will
- 11: I Am Not Taking The Stairwell
- 10: WFME’s 10′s on the 10th: Neighborhood Watch Edition
- 09: I Am Afraid of Non-Brand Name Sorbets
- 08: This Post Was Meant For Yesterday
- 07: Ten Words That Don’t Sound Like Words After You Say Them 30 Times
- 06: The Opening Page To The Book I’m Currently Writing Entitled ‘The Princess Bride 2′
- 05: I’ve Decided I Really Don’t Like Good n’ Plenty
- 03: Facts About Ireland*
- 03: What People Are Saying About Spiderman 3
- 02: The Arrow Hurler Race Card
- 01: Why Littering Is OK
- 30: Monday’s Exciting List of Verbal Argument Finishing Moves After The Other Party Storms Out The Door (Kitchen Edition)
- 29: Today’s Post In Which I Blatantly Attack The Concept of Stupid Obstacle Courses
- 28: Revising The Male Urinal Coefficient
- 27: I Am The Master Tracer
- 25: I’m Afraid These Symptoms Don’t Seem To Add Up To Anything
- 25: Today’s Prognosis on Fist Shaking
- 24: An Excerpt From My New Period Play, “Shot Through The Heart in The Year 1878″
- 23: It’s Time To Help Alec Baldwin Out
- 21: Ten Rules for Eating At That Chinese Food Donut Hybrid Restaurant
- 20: Examining The Seat-A-Wayers
- 19: Over-Analyzing The Frozen Yogurt Theme Song
- 18: Celebrities Are Just Like You and Me, Vol. 2
- 17: When Change Askers Are Not So Good At Improv
- 16: Today I Would Like To Declare My Allegiance To FIJI Bottled Water
- 15: Maureen McCormick vs. Kristy McNichol
- 14: WFME’s Fad Watch ’07
- 13: Ba-Do-Ba-Do, Podcast, Ba-Do-Ba-Do
- 13: Homeland Security Has Finally Ruined My Movie Going Experience
- 12: The General Los Angeles Population Seems To Be Obsessed With The Missing Polar Bear From ABC’s ‘Lost’
- 11: The BFF Debacle
- 10: On This Day In My Personal History
- 09: I’m Not Quite Sure What My Accountant Is Trying To Say
- 08: WFME’s Guide to Shoplifting Cadbury Creme Eggs
- 07: Four Brief Scenes Involving Conversations That Are Somehow Related To Discovery Channel’s Runaway Crab-Fishing Documentary Hit, ‘Deadliest Catch’
- 06: Where Have All The Clever Literate Sayings Gone?
- 04: Why The Film ‘The Sound of Music’ Is Completely Unrealistic
- 03: Why Dancing With The Stars Is Unfair If You’ve Got Two Good Legs
- 02: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Katie Holmes’ Scientology Handler
- 01: I’m Getting Zero Shampoo Bowl Committment
- 31: Words Between The Button Pushers
- 30: Don’t Do The Fondue
- 29: Egg Story, Thursday Edition
- 28: WFME’s Right Name Wrong E-Mail
- 27: I Have This Urge To Get Into An Industrial Sized Clothes Dryer And Have Someone Turn It On
- 26: This Week’s Neighborhood Feud (Or, Desperate Stopsigns)
- 25: Fortune Cookie Messages Inspired By 80′s Film Director John Hughes
- 24: Today’s Brief Question About Digging Up Corpses
- 23: I Am Running Away From ‘The Hills’
- 22: Today’s Prognosis on Rude Doctor-In-The-House Restaurant Yellers
- 21: Making Obituaries Fun
- 20: Really Truly Ironic Things
- 19: Today’s Overrated Element: Air
- 18: The Final Paragraph From My Recently Completed Novel “Ben Bovak, Street Cleaner”
- 17: A Select Scene From Knight Rider, Starring Socrates
- 16: Cutting Out Letters From Magazines For Ransom Notes Is So 1985
- 15: Podcast-a-GoGo
- 14: One Million Served!
- 14: Imaginary Dwarf Restaurant Pal (And 2 Other Overheard Conversations)
- 13: I’m Officially Done With Bricks
- 12: Wrong Number, Right Language
- 12: If I Could Perform Complicated Surgeries With A Toothpick
- 10: Approaching A Million
- 09: Words For Your Enjoyment: Kim Wilde and Hanging On
- 08: There Are Medical Reasons For Why I Can’t Empty The Dishwasher
- 07: An Open Letter To You, PDF Converter
- 06: The Sarah Michelle Gellar Smoking Debate Can Finally Be Resolved
- 05: Dancing With The Ailments
- 04: I Could Be Your Surgery Waker-Upper Trainer
- 03: Digg My Words
- 03: The 5 Calorie Gum Question
- 02: I Think I Have More Pores Than Most Normal Folks
- 01: Celebrities Are Talking About WFME
- 28: Today’s Brief Question About Why People Don’t Think I Can Pull Off The ‘Bat Thing’
- 27: Picking Apart The Concept Of Pouring Some Sugar On Me
- 26: An Insider’s Look At NBC’s Heroes (Major Spoilers Ahead)
- 25: An Excerpt From My New Play, “Bringing Sexy Back”
- 24: If I Was A Funny Wonder Twin
- 23: Ham, Podcast, Ham
- 22: My Spanish Name Is Definitely Not Pablocito
- 21: WFME’s You Decide: 2 Tacos for $.99 or 99 Tacos for $.02?
- 20: The Soap Dispenser Argument
- 19: To Do: On President’s Day
- 18: WFME Is Now Officially Recognized As A Non-Profit For-Profit Philanthropical Charity Organization
- 17: A Hint Of Things To Come
- 15: The American Idol Rejection Construction Kit (Psyche! Edition)
- 14: Excerpts From Dick Cheney’s Children’s Bedtime Stories (Publishing Date, Fall ’07)
- 13: It’s Time To Go Back To The Drawing Board When It Comes To My Latest Batch of Clever Answering Machine Messages
- 12: The Adultoids
- 11: Celebrities Are Just Like You and Me
- 10: Bette Midler & Me
- 09: Words For Your Enjoyment: Calling Out Your Nemesai
- 08: I Am The King Of Asking For A Water Glass Then Sneaking Free Soda
- 07: I Am Writing This Post From Inside A Locked Chest Inside The Basement of Some Guy I Just Met At My Local Best Buy
- 06: I Am Afraid That My Waitress Doesn’t Find Me Funny Enough To Tell Her Friends About Me
- 05: WFME’s Burning Question: How Much Hair Is Too Much Hair?
- 03: William Shakespeare, Text Messenger
- 02: If I Could Transplant Dead Elvis’ Head Onto My Body And Still Be A Contributing Member of Society
- 01: Transcription Thursday: The “Diet” Shopping List
- 31: Today’s Ironic Vanna White Story About No Make-Up and Sushi
- 30: A Few Brief Thoughts on Why I Would Never Want To Be a Parachute Packer
- 29: Ten Classic TV Shows, Reimagined For Today’s Discerning Audiences
- 28: Hear Your Words
- 27: I Am Afraid That Everything Around Me Is Bombarding Me With Radioactive Fallout
- 26: Words For Your Enjoyment: Excite-o-Lifes
- 25: An Excerpt From My New Play, “Are You OK? I Think So.”
- 25: Today’s Prognosis on Chin-Implant Force-Feelers
- 25: Frankenstein, Cell Phone User
- 24: Today We Will Retire Yet Another Fruit That Is So Obviously Only Enjoyed By Old People
- 23: 10 Replacements for LOL, Seeing As Though We’re All Just A Little Bit Tired of Being on the LOL-Bandwagon
- 22: I Have Invented a Fantasy Football Watchers League
- 21: If The Sun Was Called “Poppy Seed”
- 20: Jessica Simpson Walked Past Me
- 19: I Could Be Your Cream Cheese Concierge
- 18: Neil Armstrong, Cell Phone User
- 17: An Open Letter To You, Bottle-Opener Keychain Guy
- 16: I Am The King of Dining and Ditching
- 15: I Am Still Waiting For A Response From The Owners of My Local Italian Restaurant
- 14: Ten Things I Said I’d Eat For $10,000, That Secretly I Wouldn’t When It Came Down To It
- 12: The Post In Which I Show How I Take What I Learned From My Previous Conversation With The Homeless And Completely Mess It Up A Second Time
- 11: Effective Immediately I Will Be Crying To Make My Own Life Easier
- 10: Today’s Post Will Be Presented In The Form of a Completed Mad Lib Thanks To All of You Who Submitted Nouns, Adjectives and Verbs
- 09: Today’s Blatant Admissions, Pt 2
- 08: I Have Come Up With An Equation That Will Solve All Your Relationship Problems
- 07: WFME’s New Year Fear: Movie Theater Headrest Lice
- 06: Today’s Prognosis on Organ Giver-Outers
- 05: Today Someone Has Paid Me To Talk About Printer Ink Cartridges
- 04: I Could Be Deaf, Dumb and Blind But Still Play A Mean Pinball
- 03: TomKat Is Just About Over
- 02: Everyone’s Happy New Year Is Ruining This Country’s Level of Productivity
- 01: Today’s Brief Question About Why It Will Take Me Six Months To Realize It’s 2007
- 31: The Best of Words
- 30: An Open Letter To You, Orange Citrus Finger Smeller
- 29: I Am Not Afraid of Getting Shot
- 28: No Matter What I Do, I Can’t Dream About Whitney Houston
- 27: I’m At The Wrong Drive-Thru But No One Seems To Care
- 26: I Can Pretend My Ship Just Got Hit By A Missle
- 25: Merry Christmas & A Happy New Fear
- 24: A Few Christmas Thoughts From WFME
- 23: Coloring Words
- 22: An Excerpt From My New Play, “Sushi Chef”
- 21: I Don’t Know About You, But I Could Use A Nice Cold Glass of Water
- 20: WFME’s You Decide: Give a Man a Fish or Teach a Man to Fish?
- 19: WFME’s List of Regards
- 18: Today’s Prognosis on Your Unwashed Jeans
- 09: A Letter From The Management
- 08: Words For Your Enjoyment: No Topic Post
- 07: I Am Afraid I’ve Got A Low Grade E-Coli Infection
- 06: Janie & Jack Hates Babystyle
- 05: The Office’s Jenna Fischer Eats Out At Restaurants While Being Interviewed For Fitness & Health Magazines…Just Like You!
- 03: Today’s Post Will Contain All The Captions I’ve Ever Written For Those ‘Submit Your Caption’ Contest Thingies
- 02: This Week’s Amazing Events (And Who Will Play Them In The Movie Version)
- 01: Words For Your Enjoyment: One Dollar
- 30: Today’s Rebellious Thoughts on Lap Napkining
- 29: An Excerpt From My New Play, “Two Dimes And A Nickel For A Quarter”
- 28: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
- 27: WFME On: Not Needing Heroes
- 26: I’m Thinking of a Number Between One and One-Hundred
- 25: The Procedural Cop Shows of My Dreams Have Stupid Characters
- 24: Amazing Deals Today at WFME!
- 23: An Open Letter To Everyone At My Thanksgiving Dinner
- 22: Kids Say The Darndest Things
- 21: Redesigning The Fake Plastic Grape
- 20: It Seems Cylons Aren’t Perfect (And Neither Is Lucy Lawless’ Fingernail)
- 20: Prison Break: The Drinking Game
- 19: Today’s Prognosis on Finger Scratching Hand Shakers
- 18: WFME Has Been Banned
- 17: Words For Your Enjoyment: Chime Living
- 16: My Super Secret Alter Egos
- 15: Three Brief Conversations We Might Have If I Was Jaded And Lived In A Sealed Cardboard Box…And You Didn’t
- 14: I Could Cryogenically Freeze You If You Wanted Me To
- 13: Reporting Words
- 12: Today’s Prognosis on Amateur Hair Cutters
- 11: Today’s Brief Question About Living On Pluto
- 10: Apparently Your Glove Compartment Is Not Yours
- 09: If I Named My Toe ‘Nadine’ These Would Be Some of The Greatest Phrases I Could Possibly Say
- 08: Four Hour, Podcast, Four Hour
- 07: Five New Ingenious Ways To Make Voting The Most Exciting Experience Ever
- 06: Kasey (Age 4) Hates Me
- 05: WFME’s You Decide: Taco Bell Dining or Taco Bell Phone-Call
- 04: An Excerpt From My New Play, “A Serving of Cereal”
- 03: Words For Your Enjoyment: Reader Reunion
- 02: Homeless Folks Just Want Love, Too
- 01: I Could Be Your Extreme Scrapbooker
- 31: An Excerpt From My Graduate School Thesis, “There’s No Such Thing As A Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”
- 30: The Squirrels Have Declared War Against Me
- 29: I Am Going To Be The Coolest Halloween Candy Giver Ever
- 28: I’m Done Opening Doors
- 27: Words For Your Enjoyment: [Blank Space Here]
- 26: My New Billion Dollar Idea
- 25: If Multiple Personality Disorder Is A Superpower Then Los Angeles Is Filled With Heroes
- 24: Amanda Foreman Wants To Be Called Mandy Instead
- 23: WFME’s Nobody Is Listening, Part Threux
- 22: Adult Diapers For The Rest Of Us
- 21: Tums Are The New Flintstones Chewable Vitamins
- 20: Today I Will Give Away A Lock Of My Hair
- 19: And Now I’d Like To Take A Moment To Answer A Handful Of Questions Currently Being Submitted Through The Website For My Book ‘The Lost Blogs’
- 18: Writing Your Own Choose Your Own Adventure Book Is Actually Pretty Tough
- 17: There’s No Way To Determine Between Blood Diamonds and Regular Diamonds
- 16: The Cold v. Heat Debate Finally Resolves Itself
- 15: If I Had Gills
- 14: Today’s Brief Question About Believing You, Then Me
- 13: Words For Your Enjoyment: The Populars
- 12: A List Of My Most Recent Amazing World Records That Guinness Book Should Be Aware Of
- 11: Emptied-Out Skulls Is The New Impalement
- 10: I Could Have Invented The Zipper
- 09: Today’s In-Depth Look At The Eleven Switch Factor
- 08: I Have My Most Meaningful Conversations While Buying Gum In A Gas Station Mini-Mart
- 07: I Am Overcompensating For A Lack of Knowledge
- 06: Words For Your Enjoyment: Baby Names
- 05: If I Could Play Hide n’ Go Seek With Lionel Richie
- 04: Introducing The New Ten Commandments
- 03: The Debate Rages On
- 02: It’s Time For Me To Apologize For This Compilation
- 01: Why October 1st Isn’t Such A Great Date
- 30: Five Transcribed Notes As Left By The Jaded Tooth Fairy
- 29: Words For Your Enjoyment: Dinner Parties
- 28: I Am Afraid My Face Isn’t Symmetrical
- 27: An Early Scene From My Untitled, Not Really Thought Out, New Screenplay
- 26: If I Was Your Sister’s Best Friend’s Brother’s Cousin’s Cell-Mate’s Overly-Enthusiastic And Partially Egotistical Tennis Instructor
- 25: WFME’s You Decide: Walking Around With A Ziploc Bag Filled With Water or A Severed Left Arm
- 24: Lead Poisoning Is A Total Fallacy
- 23: The Post Where I Introduce My Hypothesis That People In Society Are Extremely Bored, Thus The Creation of a New Game Called High-Stakes Bingo
- 22: The Reason For No Conversation In Public Bathrooms (Or, Complicated Multiplication)
- 21: Wentworth Miller Can Break Out of Prison, But Not A Dead-End Job
- 20: WFME’s Bad Job Wednesday: Highway Line-Painter
- 19: Words After ‘The Breakfast Club’
- 18: I Am The King of Making Simple Instructions Seem Complicated
- 17: These Are A Few Of My Favorite Letters
- 16: I Want To Be Asked By Underage Kids To Buy Them Alcohol
- 15: My Hair Stylist Says My Sideburn Has A Bald Spot
- 14: Nobody Wants Any Free Cheesecake
- 13: Hundred Grand, Podcast, Hundred Grand
- 12: I Have Come Up With A Great Alternative To Giving Up Blogging
- 11: Ten Mistyped English Subtitles I’d Like To See In American Films Translated For International Audiences
- 10: The WFME Report
- 09: If We Switched Up ‘Pretty Woman’ By Replacing Julia Roberts With A CGI-Animated Penguin
- 08: Words For Your Enjoyment: More Lost Words
- 07: The Pillsbury Dough Boy Speaks Out On Poor Body Image
- 06: Santa Claus Is Not Real (And Neither Is The Tooth Fairy)
- 05: Picking Apart The Whole Sunglasses At Night Phenom
- 04: Previous Labors, Rewrapped!
- 03: I’d Like To Take The Opportunity To Criticize Your Choice To Rob A Bank While Invisible
- 02: Re-Stating The Rules of ‘The Wave’
- 01: Words For Her Enjoyment: Janet Returns
- 31: If You Were On Fire And All I Had Was A Really Expensive Coat
- 30: This Entire Blog Is A Joke
- 29: Ten Movies Whose Plotlines Would Change By Simply Adding The Word ‘Cheese’ To Their Titles
- 28: An Emmy Story (Or, Paula Abdul’s Assistant Needs Deodorant)
- 27: Automobile SOS Buttons Are The New Crank Call
- 26: Rejected Alternate Taglines From The ‘What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas’ Tourism Ad Campaign
- 25: Words For Your Enjoyment: The Ambassador’s Club
- 24: I’m Here For You, Fellow Blackberriers
- 23: WFME’s Male-Centric You Decide: A Painless Nail In The Head or A Weekly Pedicure?
- 22: A Brief Excerpt From My New Play, ‘Green Tea Is Good For You’
- 21: WFME Helps Out The Ladies
- 20: Top Ten New Career Choices As Inspired By Misspelled Spam E-Mail Subject Lines
- 19: An Open Letter To ‘Elbow Sandpaper Guy’
- 18: Today’s Stunning Supermarket Admission #329
- 17: Since I Hate Attention Today’s Post Will Not Be About My Birthday
- 16: Magazine Words on TV
- 16: Today’s Brief Question About Why You Keep A Cigarette Behind Your Ear
- 15: I Want To Do Ludicrous Things That You May Actually Also Want To Do As Well
- 14: Roseanna Arquette Won’t Buy Her Kids A Dog (Sort Of)
- 13: Just Call Me The Freckle Lancer
- 12: Today’s Wrong Number Transcript
- 11: Janet Is Evicted (The Q&A Session)
- 10: Today We Will Vote Out One Of Yesterday’s Commenters
- 09: Lucky Charms, Without the Lucky (Or, I Can Create Better Cereals Than You Guys)
- 08: Today’s Prognosis on Doorbell Ditch
- 07: It Sort Of Sucks That Because Of This Post My Other Post About The Action Figure Based On Me Has Scrolled Off The Main Page
- 06: WFME Makes Over The Tooth Fairy
- 05: Ten Rules for Pretending To Be British
- 04: Words For Your Enjoyment: Animated Toe Fungus
- 03: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With The Rolled Up Pashmina Currently Pretending To Be Tom Cruise’s Baby Suri
- 02: The Action Figure Based on Me
- 01: If I Was Trapped In A Collapsed Cave With A Miner Who Wore A Ski-Mask All The Time
- 31: Mel Gibson: The Cover-Up Continues
- 30: A Short Excerpt From My New Book, “Bao!”
- 29: I Am Blacker Than Jessica Stover
- 28: AMEX, Podcast, AMEX
- 28: Words For Your Enjoyment: Lost Words
- 27: Today WFME Will Be Banning Car Ashtrays
- 26: Nostradamus Girl Costs Me Cash
- 25: Taxidermy Is The New Accounting
- 24: I Sound Just Like Chris Martin
- 23: And Then There Were 25
- 22: Today I Will Challenge Country Singer Paul Davidson To A Duel
- 21: Words For Your Enjoyment: Non-Q&A
- 20: The Boo Factor
- 19: Today I Will Challenge USA Today Writer Paul Davidson To A Duel
- 18: That Twitching Underneath My Skin Can’t Be Normal
- 17: I Think My Checker Is Up To Something
- 16: No Blog Post Today
- 15: Stupid People Love Accidents
- 13: If I Was Only A Confetti Nose Sneezer
- 12: Words on DVD
- 12: Reason #43 Why I Will Be A Millionaire
- 11: A Brief Excerpt of Dialogue From The Climax Sequence In A Film I’m Currently Writing, Tentatively Called ‘I Think My Finger Is Stuck In This Coke Bottle’
- 10: If I Was An Evil High School Guidance Counselor
- 09: This Blog Is Better Than Your Psychologist
- 08: Today’s Overheard Conversation Including A Man, An Extremely Warped and Melted CD Jewel Case and a Tower Records Employee
- 07: Words For Your Enjoyment: White Lies
- 06: I Am Afraid of Lime Juice That Isn’t Mine
- 05: Today’s Behind-The-Scenes Look At How A Screenwriter Brushes His Teeth
- 04: WFME’s Declaration of Dependence
- 03: When A Band’s Name Should Not Be The Same
- 02: Questions Asked At A Starbucks Interview
- 01: What’s Up With All The Mango?
- 30: The Continuing Saga of Star Jones
- 30: Words For Your Enjoyment: Names on Bricks
- 29: Your Silent Cry Is Worth Its Weight In Gold
- 28: Star Jones Will Be Joining WFME
- 27: Today’s Prognosis on Disappearing Animals
- 26: A Brief Historical Timeline of My Parachute Pants
- 25: Demand My Words
- 25: Katey Sagal Has Entered The Witness Protection Program
- 24: WFME’s You Decide: Coughing Up A Lung or A Small Ferret
- 23: Words For Your Enjoyment: Best of Both Words
- 22: Quotes From A Blogger
- 21: The Homeless Are Smarter Than Me
- 20: It’s Come To My Attention That Hollywood Stars Are Reading This Blog
- 19: Why ‘The Lake House’ Is Completely Unrealistic
- 18: It’s Time To Stop Complaining About Your Paper Cuts Like They’re War Wounds
- 17: There’s A Squirrel In My Fridge
- 16: Words For Your Enjoyment: Re-Readers
- 15: WFME’s Thermal Thursday
- 14: Do Me A Favor And Please Rank This Blog Post On A Scale of 1 to 10
- 13: Subject Line Here
- 13: I Could Be Your Smell Detective
- 12: Overheard Somewhere in Swakopmund, Namibia
- 11: An Open Letter To TV Producers Who Continue To Use James Blunt Over And Over And Over Again
- 11: Stunning Admission #10
- 10: If I Had A Plastic Axe Stuck In The Side Of My Head, Instead Of a Real One
- 09: Tune-In: WGN Radio
- 09: Words For Your Enjoyment: Richard Simmons vs. Neil Diamond
- 08: Bay Area Words
- 07: I Refuse To Say ‘Uno’ In Uno
- 06: An Excerpt From My New Short Story, “Do You Want Ketchup With That?”
- 06: Words On Stage
- 05: I Should Not Be Held Accountable For Killing My Hamster
- 04: Sorry, But I’m A Couch Bigot
- 03: Midget On My Doorstep
- 02: WFME’s Rules of Hugging (For Men)
- 01: I Am Afraid of June 1st
- 31: WFME’s You Decide: A Bird In The Hand or A Bird In The Bush
- 30: Ten New Ways To Answer The Phone That Will Really Make Your Callers Intrigued (Or, Confused)
- 29: Memorial Day MP3
- 29: Today’s Blatant Admission About Feeling Gum
- 28: The No Water Go Bad Conspiracy
- 27: Today’s Thoughts On Incomplete Spoon Tasters
- 26: Words For Your Enjoyment: More Lost Blogs
- 25: Today’s Brief Question About Why You Need People To Carry Your Crap
- 24: Saliva-Watch 2006
- 23: Airlines, Podcast, Airlines
- 23: FPJ Returns, Then Leaves My Life Forever
- 22: If I Had Actually Been That Kid Eric Stoltz Played In “Mask”
- 21: Intro, Podcast, Intro
- 20: Today’s Conversation In The Airport Bathroom That Never Happened
- 19: An Assembly Line of Words
- 19: This Post Was Written In Fifteen Minutes
- 19: Words on TV
- 18: I Am Now Worth $122.76
- 18: I Love You, But That Mole On Your Cheek Really Must Go
- 17: My Dinner With Matthew Perry & Sheryl Crow
- 16: Words From The Road
- 15: Seven Paragraphs About Chicken Wraps
- 14: The Post Where Bulletpoints Figure Prominently
- 13: Three Separate Paragraphs From Three Separate E-Mails That I Decided To Delete Before Sending For A Variety Of Obvious Reasons
- 12: Catching Up With The Lost Blogs
- 11: 10 Rules For Eating Out of The Garbage
- 10: How Joe Pesci’s Speech From Goodfellas About Being A Clown Might Have Sounded If He Was Being Accused Of Being A NASA JPL Technician Instead
- 09: I Seem To Be Having A Medicine Aisle Standoff
- 09: Abe & Sarcomical
- 08: Yes. It’s Here. Really.
- 07: Six Easy Steps To Forming Your Own Successful Charity
- 06: Somebody Threw A Croissant On My Doorstep
- 05: Three Real Conversations And One Fake One
- 05: Since I’ve Used Up Every Clever Title Combination For ‘The Lost Blogs’ I’ll Refrain This Time Around
- 04: I Could Be Your Considerate Intervention Giver
- 03: An Intimate Conversation with Tom Cruise
- 02: This Post Will Only Be Good For One Hour
- 01: Today’s Thoughts on No-Skill Ladder Holders
- 30: Aquariums: Stupid Wastes Of Time or Stupid Wastes of Time?
- 29: Today’s Post Will Be About Amazon, How They’re Shipping My Book Now, How Giddy That Makes Me Feel And A Short Story About The Post Office Angel
- 28: Words For Your Enjoyment: Blog Scavenger Hunt
- 27: Today’s Prognosis on Pomegranate Juicers
- 27: More Lost Blogs, More Sports Talk
- 26: WFME’s Bad Job Wednesday: Tollbooth Taker
- 25: Illustrated Words
- 25: People Just Don’t Want To Eat A Stick of Butter
- 24: Housewarming Sayings
- 24: Two Weeks And Counting
- 23: If I Had A Disease That Caused My Bowels To Empty Every Time You Shook My Hand
- 22: It’s Time To Come Clean About My Big Head
- 21: Announcing the NEW Lost Blogs
- 21: Words For Your Enjoyment: Talking with TomKitten
- 20: An Operation of Words
- 20: I Am So Street
- 19: Excerpts From My New Book, ‘How To Get Someone To Drop A Gun’
- 18: WFME’s You Decide: Getting Hit In The Head With An Anvil or A Dead Kangaroo
- 17: I Could Be Your Expert Cloud Spotter
- 16: Winners of The Lost Blogs
- 16: Ten Rules for Making Rules
- 15: The Little (Big) Problems of a Trucker
- 14: It Is What It Is
- 13: I Am Afraid of Marco Polo
- 12: Ladybug: The Most Coddled Bug In The World
- 11: Today’s Rumors About Celebrities
- 10: If My Left Hand Was A Wet Piece of Steak And My Right Hand Was A Tuba
- 09: Today’s Thoughts on Nose-Picker Eye-Lockers
- 08: I Can’t Stop Calling ‘Shotgun’
- 07: Words For Your Enjoyment: Historical Words
- 06: Stunning Admission #9
- 05: WFME’s State of the Blogosphere
- 04: I Am A Compulsive Box-Taper
- 03: WFME’s 10 Obscure Ways To Snag A Man
- 02: Scott Baio Likes To Steal Your Table
- 01: An Open Letter to ‘Woman Eating Vat of Clam Chowder In Car’
- 31: Words For Your Enjoyment: The WOMP
- 30: I Am The King of Reaching For The Check (But Never Getting It)
- 29: Why Sometimes Y?
- 28: I Am Afraid of Keychain Clutterers
- 27: If ‘Field of Dreams’ Happened to Me
- 26: CSI’s Gary Dourdan Likes To Drive Fast, Then Stop As If He’s Going To Kick Your Ass
- 25: How Line Drawing In Cars Can Save The World
- 24: Young, Rich & Beautiful Words
- 24: Words For Your Enjoyment: Just Adding Water
- 23: Death of the Piggy Back Ride
- 22: Five Faulty Excuses For Not Opening The Car Door For A Lady
- 21: My Official Stance on Trees
- 20: I’m No Shuttle Commander And Neither Are You
- 19: I Could Be Your Safecracker-Upper
- 18: Matthew Perry Just Wants A Diet Coke
- 17: Words For Your Enjoyment: The GBBMC
- 16: If I Was In ‘Say Anything’ And Didn’t Have A Boombox
- 15: Dhoug, Podcast, Dhoug
- 15: Law of the Armrest
- 14: The Post Where I Mourn ‘Falling Into Water’
- 13: Today’s Intervention with Patrick Swayze
- 12: The Gone-Missing Blog Post Beginnings
- 11: If We Were Both Trapped In A Mineshaft, I Would Totally Entertain You
- 10: Words For Your Enjoyment: Potpourri Friday
- 09: Today’s Alarming Conversation With DirecTV
- 08: Today’s Prognosis on Soup In A Bread Bowl
- 07: I Can’t Climb A Rope To Save My Life
- 06: A Glorious Return to Questions
- 05: Gibberish, Podcast, Gibberish
- 05: My Academy Award Speech (If I Was Mute)
- 04: Birds, Hands & Bushes
- 03: Secretive Words
- 03: Words For Your Enjoyment: Your Habits
- 02: An Open Letter To You, Mr. Fruit-Squeezer
- 01: Words About McDreamy
- 28: I Probably Wouldn’t Save You If Your Car Was Hanging Off An Embankment
- 27: Their Lost Blogs
- 26: Jessica Simpson’s Got An Easy Alarm Code
- 26: If I Lost My Left Foot In A Tragic Skiing Accident That Involved A Bear, Two Explosive Devices And A Leaf Blower
- 25: I Am The Ambassador of Sprint
- 24: Words For Your Enjoyment: Last Pieces
- 23: Examining The Auto-Nod
- 22: I Am Afraid Of Mayonnaise That Isn’t Mine
- 21: Backwards Be Will Post Today’s
- 20: Why Running Sucks
- 19: The Post Where I Speak In The Third Person About Not Liking To Speak In The Third Person
- 18: If My Bathroom Actually Had A Live Studio Audience
- 17: Words For Your Enjoyment: Oreos
- 16: Colorful Words
- 16: Words About Hills, Eyes, Having Them
- 16: Your Words About Abercrombie & Fitch
- 15: I Am Starting My Own Religion
- 14: Today’s Post Will Not Be About Valentine’s Day
- 13: Monica Potter’s Husband Doesn’t Think He’s Part of a Hollywood Couple
- 12: I Will Throw Rocks In Glass Houses
- 11: A Brief Question About Coasters
- 10: Words For Your Enjoyment: Speaking in Lyrics
- 09: Getting ‘In Touch’ With Mr. Six
- 09: I Am Afraid of Sell-By Dates
- 08: I Am A Know-Nothing Sports Enthusiast
- 07: I Am A Professional ‘This Hand or That Hander’
- 06: No More Codes, Please
- 06: New York Post-age
- 05: If This Post Was Like A Sitcom
- 04: No, I Don’t Drink Coffee
- 03: Words For Your Enjoyment: Your Personal Theme Song
- 03: Mr. Six Revealed! (Part 2)
- 02: Back To ‘The Lost Blogs’
- 01: Words of a Guest
- 01: Mr. Six Revealed!
- 31: I Could Be Your Elevator Door Holder
- 30: No, I Don’t Want To See You Balance A Salt Shaker On Sugar
- 29: More Unused Words
- 28: Do You Believe In Life After Love?
- 27: WFME’s Battlestar Friday
- 26: The Monopoly Piece Obsession
- 25: Words About Pills
- 25: I Am Feeling The Urge To Eat Styrofoam Packing Peanuts
- 24: My Book Is Thicker Than Yours
- 23: Three Pretend Cell Phone Conversations I’m Having So I Sound Like I’m More Important Than I Really Am When I Walk Past You On The Street
- 23: I Have Slept With Kevin Bacon
- 22: Today’s Prognosis on Line-Stander Asker-Holders
- 21: Ten New Ways To Sign Letters
- 20: Words For Your Enjoyment: Un-Commented Comments
- 19: My Left Hand Is Bigger Than My Right Hand
- 18: A ‘Feast’ of Words
- 18: I Could Start An Awesome Cult
- 17: The Washcloth Conspiracy
- 16: Drew Carey Likes Sitting In The Front Row
- 15: This Post Will Be More Self-Reflexive Than Funny
- 14: I’m Hearing A High-Pitched Tone
- 13: Words For Your Enjoyment: Finger Licker Pageturners
- 12: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With James Frey
- 11: This Post Will Be About My Displeasure With The Changing Of The Law & Order Font
- 10: I Could Be Your Superstar Anesthesiologist
- 09: Reminding Words
- 09: If I Could Throw A Tantrum
- 08: I Have Problems With ‘Long Duk Dong’
- 07: I Am Afraid I Sucked On ‘Design on a Dime’
- 06: Words For Your Enjoyment: Nothing, Whatsoever
- 05: I Worry The Police Who Find My Dead Blogging Body Will Not Leave A Good Enough Eulogy Post On This Site
- 04: Today’s Thoughts on Barbecue Egomaniacs
- 03: Jubilee, Podcast, Jubilee
- 03: My Brand New Straight-Forward Pyramid Scheme
- 02: (Subliminal) Nominating Words
- 02: The Pocket-Filler Factor
- 01: Enough With The Chips
- 31: The Best Of Words
- 30: Words For Your Enjoyment: New Year’s Dissolutions
- 29: Today’s Prognosis on Balloon Animals
- 28: I Refuse To Go To Your Funeral, Stranger
- 27: Airplane Travel Rule #110
- 26: It’s Over, Okay?
- 25: I Can Determine What’s In That Box Without Opening It Whatsoever
- 24: Words For Your Enjoyment: Happy Holidays
- 23: You Can Just Call Me ‘The Generalizationalizer’
- 22: Today’s Thoughts on Fake Fruit
- 21: I Want To Wear An Eyepatch
- 20: Robert Patrick Is A Noisy Wheat-Grass Drinker
- 20: I Like You, I Really Do
- 19: Origins of ‘Bed of Shred’ (And Celebrities)
- 18: John Tesh Loves His Cell Phone
- 17: I Am Afraid Of Your Musical Nose
- 16: The WFME Holiday Party
- 15: My Not-So Indecent Proposal
- 14: Questions, Part IV
- 13: No, You May Not Hold Up Clothing In Front Of Me
- 12: Hardcover Words
- 12: If I Was A Hotshot Rock Climber
- 11: The Death of Shrines
- 10: It may not be a great poem but it’s mine and I like it that way.
- 09: Words For Your Enjoyment: Misspelled Comments
- 08: I Cannot Get Through ‘The Ring’
- 07: Today’s Prognosis on Chores
- 06: The Pauly D Cologne
- 05: Pre-Ordered Words
- 05: Zach Braff Shops At Petco Just Like You!
- 04: Today’s Thoughts on Mic-Stand Knocking Over
- 03: Half-A-Stick-A-Gum
- 02: Words For Your Enjoyment: Nail Clippings
- 02: Joe Jackson, Podcast, Joe Jackson
- 01: I Could Be Your Rollerskate Advice Therapist
- 30: Seth Green Doesn’t Like To Be Seen At Rite-Aid
- 29: The Sidewalk Protectorate Factor
- 28: If I Was Going To Break Out of Prison
- 27: Lotion, Shampoo, Hair-Gel or Food?
- 26: Think About It
- 25: Words For Your Enjoyment: Personal Postal Services
- 24: Hacked Words
- 24: No Thanks, Giving
- 23: I Can Keep You From Passing Me By
- 22: True Men of Genius: The DVD Jukebox Filler-Upper
- 21: A Brief Question About You and Bottles
- 21: My Original (Deleted) First Post Ever
- 20: Why My Funeral Will Be So Much Better Than Yours
- 19: This Post Will Come In Right Under The Wire
- 18: Words For Your Enjoyment: Pet Sounds
- 17: My Cabbie Doesn’t Wanna Talk
- 16: Today’s Thoughts on Vomit Bags
- 15: Today’s Open Letter From My Pinky Toe
- 14: If I Was In ‘Fried Green Tomatoes’
- 13: Today’s Thoughts on Public Apple Eaters
- 12: Cracking the Code
- 11: Blogged Words
- 11: Words For Your Enjoyment: Secret Structures
- 10: Small Hands, Big Problem
- 09: WFME’s Menagerie of Thoughts
- 08: Liveblogging The Magazine Subscription Card Experience
- 07: The Danger of Escalators
- 06: Kristy McNichol Is Following Me, Pt. 2
- 06: I Am Afraid of Club Cards
- 05: An Excerpt From My New Novel, ‘Radioactive Cheese’
- 04: Comic Words
- 04: Words For Your Enjoyment: Your Fitness Equipment
- 03: Today’s Thoughts on ‘It’s Not Me, It’s You’
- 02: Mr. T Likes The Double-Shot Espresso
- 01: I Am The King of Resetting Clocks
- 31: If I Were In Skokie, Illinois
- 30: The ‘Ruh-Roh’ Disease
- 29: Death Bed Lines I Hope To Have
- 28: Words For Your Enjoyment: 80′s Music Videos
- 27: George Clooney Is Owed Money
- 27: Today’s Thoughts on The Rub Stomach/Pat Head Guy
- 26: WFME’s Self-Congratulatory 1,000th Post
- 25: My House Has The Best Candy
- 24: Today’s Post Will Have More Comments Than Ever Before
- 23: The Items of 10 Items or Less
- 22: If I Had A Monkey On My Back
- 21: Please Don’t Mangle the Community Butter
- 20: Her Words
- 20: Question 71B About Gas Tankers and Hair
- 20: I Can’t Hear You, Drugstore Standing Homeless Fundraiser Guy
- 19: This Post Will Not Be Called ‘Tidbits of Life’
- 18: The 20 Millionth Blog
- 17: Today’s Prognosis on Sweating
- 16: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Me, 10 Years Ago
- 15: Unused Post Titles (That Will Remain Unused)
- 14: Words For Your Enjoyment: Anal Work Obessions
- 13: Bein’ The Drugstore Cowboy
- 12: If I Was The Sixth Kid in ‘The Breakfast Club’
- 11: My Hair Stylist and I Have Nothing In Common
- 10: There Ain’t No Ocean in This Shell
- 09: Today’s Brief Thought About Punching Sounds in Movies
- 09: Your WFME Psychological Evaluation: Bubble Wrap Edition
- 08: I Can’t Remember Seven Numbers
- 07: Words For Your Enjoyment: Cold Pillows
- 06: Childhood Memories That Never Happened
- 05: The Treasure Hunt Solution
- 05: Return of the Blog Treasure Hunt (Again)
- 04: Disasters, Podcast, Disasters
- 04: I Could Be Your Braider-Dude
- 03: Cheri Oteri Likes To Wear A Hat
- 02: The ‘I’m Shutting the Blog Down’ Post (From the Future)
- 01: Today’s Thoughts While Balancing My Checkbook
- 30: Words For Your Enjoyment: Imaginary Friends
- 29: I Am Not Really Allergic to Bees
- 28: ‘The Brady Bunch’ vs. The U.S. Constitution
- 27: I May Appear Dead, But I’m Not
- 26: The Fingernail Factor
- 25: I Could Be ‘That Guy’
- 24: Alternative Titles for ‘Flightplan’
- 23: Words For Your Enjoyment: Games People Play
- 22: Words of ‘Doom’
- 22: Not Wishing I Had A Dollar
- 21: The Post Where I Complain
- 20: I Can’t Type The Characters In The Picture
- 20: Waiting For The Phone-Shoe (Still)
- 19: Emmy (Or, Um me?)
- 18: I Am Liking This Flavor-Scented Water
- 17: Soy Bean, Podcast, Soy Bean
- 17: I Can’t Drink Out of a Flask
- 16: Words For Your Enjoyment: Katrina Badgering
- 15: Today’s Prognosis on Thank You Notes
- 14: The Other Paul Davidson Is More Traveled Than Me
- 14: If I Were Kate Hudson in ‘The Skeleton Key’
- 13: Questions, Part XVI
- 12: I Think I Love You, Automated Phone Woman
- 11: Dangerous Ponderings (Or, Yes I’m Stupid)
- 10: Paul & Order
- 09: Words For Your Enjoyment: Food Newtons
- 08: Today’s Thoughts on Pulling the Plug
- 07: How R. Kelly’s ‘I Believe I Can Fly’ Shapes My Life
- 06: More Words About Kanye
- 06: If I Had an English Accent
- 05: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Kanye West’s Monologue Coach
- 04: To Join The Family of Dots
- 03: I Could Be Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man
- 02: Searchable Words
- 02: Words For Your Enjoyment: Adult Swimming
- 01: This Post Will Inform You That There’s Media To Peruse
- 01: Yes, You Have to Pay For Parking
- 31: If Kenny Rogers Wasn’t My Uncle
- 30: The 2nd Book, Revealed!
- 30: I Am The King of Crappy Legal Advice
- 29: If I Was On ‘Battlestar Galactica’
- 28: The Cult of Wipe
- 27: The Best Of Words
- 26: Words For Your Enjoyment: Adult Tattle Tales
- 25: WFME’s You Decide: Jon or John
- 24: Today’s Prognosis on Car Wash Greeting Card Buying
- 23: Today’s Brief Question About You and Whack-A-Mole Pointing
- 23: Living With Misnomensentia
- 22: If I Was A Pirate Psychologist
- 21: You Cannot Comment On This Entry About Me
- 20: If I Worked in Hell
- 19: Words For Your Enjoyment: Fanaticals
- 18: I Am Afraid of Losing At Thumb Wars
- 17: I Am Not Obsessive Compulsive
- 16: The Darker Side of Toothpicks
- 15: Geena Davis Likes to Cut in Line
- 14: Today’s Prognosis on ‘Proved in University Testing’ Graphics
- 13: I Don’t Know The Words To Songs, And I Feel Fine
- 12: Words For Your Enjoyment: The Could Nots
- 11: The Return of Questions, Redux
- 10: Corey Haim Is Not On Atkins
- 09: Why Being Punk’d Online Isn’t The Same Thing
- 08: Today’s Thoughts on Food Wrapped in Food
- 07: Grunt, Podcast, Grunt
- 07: ‘What’s Your Traffic?’ is the new ‘What’s Your Major?’
- 06: My Words, Their Filibuster
- 05: Words For Your Enjoyment: No-Manner Car Snakes
- 04: Nice Guy to Bastard in 180 Degrees
- 03: I Could Be Your Misdirected Advice Giver
- 02: Your Car Has A Dent So I’m Staying Away
- 01: Printed and Bound Words
- 01: Today’s Prognosis on James Van Der Beek and Dog Kissing
- 31: WFME’s It’s True! (Paula Abdul is Crazy Edition)
- 30: An Open Letter To You, Labelmaker
- 29: The Curse of ‘Princes’
- 29: Words For Your Enjoyment: Capital Letters
- 28: If Blogging Was A Neighborhood, You’d Kill Your Neighbors
- 27: ATM Pressure (Or, I’m Not A Bomb Diffuser)
- 26: Cough, Podcast, Cough
- 26: Jeremy Sisto’s Dog Likes My Dog
- 25: I Have Got A Really Sad Entourage
- 24: I Am Afraid of Sephora
- 23: I Can See You’re Unsure of Your Thoughts
- 22: Words For Your Enjoyment: Attention Whores
- 21: Plagiarized Words
- 21: WFME’s You Decide: Affection or Inflection?
- 20: Audio on Paper
- 20: If I Were In ‘The Cutting Edge’
- 19: Elmo Wants His BMW
- 18: Nobody Likes Your Name
- 17: A Second Helping of ‘Princes’
- 17: Jon Cryer Doesn’t Have An iPod
- 16: I Sound Like I Can Travel Through Time
- 15: Words For Your Enjoyment: Ice Cream Fears
- 14: Audio Winning Words
- 14: I Ask The Tough Questions
- 13: Today’s Prognosis on Peace, Out
- 12: 9 Words
- 11: Today’s Thoughts on Public Grooming
- 11: More Words on Princes
- 10: Why Being a Zombie Has Its Advantages
- 09: I Can No Longer Dress Myself
- 08: Words For Your Enjoyment: Revenge
- 07: The Return of WFYE
- 07: The Cult of the Insistor
- 06: Words About Princes
- 06: Getting Zapped!
- 05: The Flaw In Underwater Tea Parties
- 05: Words Elsewhere
- 04: If The 4th Was Called “Bimbo”
- 03: Kristy McNichol Is Also Following Me
- 02: The Science Behind 3-Day Weekends
- 01: Welcoming Words
- 30: I Am Afraid of IKEA
- 29: Movie Reviewer Construction Kit: War of the Worlds Edition
- 28: I Am Afraid of The Columbia House CD Club
- 28: The Instantaneous Rigatoni Factor: Celebrity Edition
- 27: If I Was A Blogger With A Lack of Short Term Memory
- 26: An Island of Words
- 25: If I Ate Bugs
- 24: Me and “My Part” in The Breakfast Club
- 23: Long Term Words
- 22: The Post Where I Lament About Not Getting Any More Calls From Solicitors
- 21: Searching Out Mr. Six
- 20: Princely Words
- 19: WFME’s You Decide: Pepto or Necco?
- 18: Words, California-Style (Or, Airplane Mold)
- 17: Today’s Call From Kate Holmes
- 16: Traveling Words
- 15: Today’s Call From Tom Cruise
- 15: Today’s Prognosis on Ivy League Goodness
- 14: Convincing Words
- 13: Slay Your Demons With Words
- 13: Bostoner Words (And Accents, Too!)
- 12: Broadcast Words
- 11: Today’s Prognosis on “If-I-Had-A-Dollar For Everytime You Did That” Crybabies
- 10: Words For Your Enjoyment: Cuban Ingenuity
- 09: Why My ‘Indecent Proposal’ Would Have Been A Little Less Indecent
- 08: Today’s Big Question: Keebler Elf or Oompa Loompa?
- 07: I Am Afraid of Hide n’ Go Seek
- 06: Today’s Missing Scene From Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith
- 05: I Have Seven-Hundred Thirty DVDs
- 04: Today’s Page Six Article About Katie Holmes (From The Future)
- 03: Words For Your Enjoyment: Deep Throat
- 02: If I Was An Abercrombie & Fitch Model
- 01: Recorded Words
- 01: Ian Ziering is Following Me
- 31: Potato Salad Is The New Stalin
- 30: Memorial Day MP3
- 29: Words From a Party
- 28: Sometimes, I Just Don’t Want To Get Ready
- 27: Sounds For Your Enjoyment: SBC Solicitors
- 27: Words For Your Enjoyment: High-Pitched Ear Ringing
- 26: How Watching the Finale of Lost Is Like Someone Smashing You In The Head With A Non-Stick Frying Pan
- 25: Today’s Prognosis on Butter Slatherers
- 24: Today’s Words About Ed Norton’s Fear of Jello
- 23: The Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes Factor
- 23: Words And Letters That Form Links
- 23: How My Life and The Movie Revenge of the Sith Are One In The Same
- 22: If I Was Rotting Corpse
- 21: If You’re Reading This, Then My Blogs Ability To Post Entries While I’m In Las Vegas Has Worked Extremely Well
- 20: Words For Your Enjoyment: Plastic Utensils
- 19: I Can Still Eat Three Packets of Crackers In Less Than A Minute Without a Glass of Water
- 18: Words From E3
- 17: Today’s Amusing Middle-Aged Nicotine Addicted Shoplifting Story
- 16: Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Latest TV Commercial: The Director’s Cut
- 15: The Post Where I Finally Give Up on SNL
- 14: I Could Be Your Assassin
- 13: Words For Your Enjoyment: Wife Beaters
- 12: This Post Will Be All Over The Place
- 11: Revisiting Solicitors, Part 99B
- 10: DM and Me
- 09: You May Not Know It, But My Face Isn’t Totally Symmetrical
- 09: The Advantages of Pre-Written Words
- 08: Today’s Thoughts on Thoughts
- 07: E3 and No Words
- 06: Words For Your Enjoyment: The WFYE Workout Video
- 05: The State of the Male Hug
- 04: Not So Lost
- 03: My New Top Gun Call-Sign
- 02: Magic Johnson Doesn’t Like To Work In
- 01: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Mary-Kate Olsen (5 Years From Now)
- 30: Saturday’s Stream of Consciousness
- 29: Words For Your Enjoyment: Intoxicated Snake Kissing
- 28: Rarity of the Day
- 28: Ben’s Musical Words
- 28: Athletic Words
- 28: Today’s Prognosis on Peanut Eaters
- 27: Today’s Words With Pitney Bowes
- 26: Celebrities Get Stood Up For Dates, Too!
- 25: When Towel Hitting Becomes Uncomfortable Gym Conversation
- 24: Whipped Words
- 23: I Could Be Your Own Personal Books-on-Tape Service
- 22: Words For Your Enjoyment: Guys and Pink Shirts
- 21: Your Boss Hates You
- 21: The Post Where I Come Up With An Equation To Once And For All, Determine The Amount of Bloggers In The Free World
- 20: A Galaxy of Words
- 19: The Post That Resembles Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight”
- 18: Sickle Cell Anemia And Chocolate Raspberry Truffles (Is Not The Name of This Post)
- 17: I Could Be Your Ill-Informed Tax Man
- 16: Today’s Thoughts on Angry Old People
- 15: Words For Your Enjoyment: Time-Wasting Web Games
- 14: When Questions Attack!
- 13: The Post Where I Announce That My Second Book Has Been Picked Up By A Publisher
- 13: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Britney’s Confirmed Unborn Fetus
- 12: Two People Who Should Be Thrown Out, Instead of the Tomatoes
- 11: Today’s Prognosis on Passive-Agressive Whisper Talking
- 10: Words About Blind Justice
- 09: How My Goatee Transformed My Life (Or, Shaving Accidents)
- 08: Words For Your Enjoyment: Video Games
- 07: Two Words, One Google Whack
- 07: Today’s Prognosis on Coupon Cutter-Outers
- 06: Lily Costner: Drugstore Edition
- 05: The Post Where I Ramble On About Indecisive Chicken-Pickers
- 04: I Could Be Your Two-Convo Multi-Hyphenate Listener
- 03: Today’s Thoughts on Nazi Wedding Cake Cutters
- 02: Today’s Cornucopia of Thoughts
- 01: Words For Your Enjoyment: Convicts and Pancakes
- 31: A Hollywood Story In Which All The Names Have Been Changed To Cartoon Characters To Protect Them From Gossip-Hungry Net-Savvy Rag Mags
- 30: Today’s Somewhat Rudimentary Thoughts About The Body’s Ear, Nose & Throat Area
- 29: Broadway Musicals Soon To Be On Their Way To You
- 28: I Could Be Your Name-That-Tune Guy
- 27: Easter Bunny Redux
- 26: Why Warm Nuts Will Save The World
- 25: Today’s Post Has Been Affected By Early Morning Travel Plans
- 24: A Brief Conversation About T-Shirts With Tobey Maguire’s Face On Them
- 23: Today’s Thoughts on Door-Handle Tissue Holding Crazies
- 22: Today’s Ill-Educated Bilingual Thoughts on Eating Cookie-Dough
- 21: A Lack of Words
- 21: I Am Faster Than My Computer
- 20: Sunday’s Obscure Celebrity Gossip
- 19: Pitches, Pet Monkeys and Pizzas
- 18: Words For Your Enjoyment: Pet Monkeys
- 17: WFME’s “Imagination Danger 911!”
- 16: I Definitely Did Not Meet Christina Ricci
- 15: Car For Sale
- 14: Exposing The Lie That Is Watercooler Talk
- 13: Sunday’s 5:41PM Pacific Standard Time, Post
- 12: Their Words and My Words
- 11: Words For Your Enjoyment: Finding Jesus
- 10: The Future of “Woo Hoo”
- 09: Unscripted Words
- 08: Today’s Thoughts on Time Travel
- 07: I Could Be Dead
- 06: The Ambiguousness of “How Now, Brown Cow?”
- 05: Camp, Shaving Cream and Psychological Distress
- 04: Words For Your Enjoyment: Designing Words
- 03: Llama vs. Kangaroo: The Debate
- 02: I Could Be Your Greek God of Misplacement
- 01: The Illogical Factor
- 28: Today’s Prognosis on Caps-Lock
- 27: Potential “Last Lines” of Movie Blockbusters Taking Place In An Ice Cream Shoppe
- 26: The Entry About Ian Ziering That Will Shock And Surprise You
- 25: American Midol
- 25: Words For Your Enjoyment: Rock n’ Roll
- 24: Jedi Mind-Trick Waiters
- 23: Words On ‘A Dime’
- 22: The Sadness That Accompanies No More Crank-Calling
- 21: The State of the ‘Lurker’
- 20: Found Words
- 20: Why Motivation is Dead
- 19: Titles For Today’s Post Which I Abandoned For This Post Instead
- 18: Words For Your Enjoyment: Doogie Howser
- 17: Today’s Prognosis on Fingernails
- 16: Today’s Amendment Re: Hilary Duff Running Like A Girl
- 16: My Childhood Memories Are No Longer
- 15: Searchable Words
- 15: Today’s Story About The Guy Driving Next To Me In The Toyota Camry
- 14: WFME’s Greatest American Hero Extravaganza!
- 13: Sad Words
- 13: I Could Be Your Gymnastic Coach
- 12: My New Foster Family
- 11: Words For Your Enjoyment: 30 Minutes or Less
- 10: Today’s Emotional Moment With A Phone Solicitor
- 09: I Am Afraid The Identical Version Of Me In An Alternate Universe Has A Better Life Than I Do
- 08: International Words
- 08: Klingons, Klingons Everywhere
- 07: WFME’s Technological Advances
- 06: Gleek-ed Words
- 05: Your Personalized License Plate Isn’t Fooling Anyone
- 04: Words For Your Enjoyment: High-Pressure Guilt Holidays
- 03: WFME’s “The Most Random Sentence Ever”
- 02: C. Thomas Howell Likes Freebies
- 01: February First’s Day o’ Fire (Or, I Don’t Know Much About Fire’s History)
- 31: If I Were Trapped In An Elevator With A Pregnant Woman
- 30: Today’s Thoughts on Elliptical Machine Excuses
- 29: L.A. Words
- 29: Digital Words
- 28: Words For Your Enjoyment: Smurfs
- 27: Today’s Prognosis on Ridiculous Break-ups
- 26: My Elaborate Solution to What’s Happening on ABC’s Lost
- 25: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Lorne Michaels After He Was Injected With Truth Serum
- 24: Fool Me Once, Twice, Three Times A Lady
- 23: I Could Be Your Own Personal Fruit Picker
- 22: I Will Not Call This Entry “Funny Monday”
- 21: Words For Your Enjoyment: The O.C.
- 20: Wired Words
- 20: A Few Words About Paley
- 20: Alternative Titles for American Idol
- 19: I Can Try On Clothes And Entertain Security Personnel All At The Same Time
- 18: The Majesty of Rock ‘n Roll (Or, What Once Was)
- 18: Today’s Prognosis on Couch Forts
- 17: You’ve Got a Blackhead But I’m Not Telling
- 16: The Post Where I Worry About Safety Issues For Those On Extreme Home Makeover
- 16: My O.C.DVD (Obsessive Compulsive DVD Collecting)
- 15: Scott Baio Doesn’t Know How To Validate His Parking Ticket
- 14: Words For Your Enjoyment: Middle Initials
- 13: I Am Uncomfortable With You Asking Me The Size Of My Shoe
- 12: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With My Colon
- 11: WE NEE,D YOUR GOOD HE-LP URGENT PLEASE!
- 10: Today’s Brutal Honesty About Your Desire To Say “Scrunchie-Magoo”
- 09: I Could Be Your “Hey!” Neighbor
- 08: The Sorry State of Gut-Punching
- 07: Words For Your Enjoyment: Predictions
- 06: Regis Philbin Doesn’t Know Me
- 05: The True Spelling of “Eh-uh Ah”
- 04: My Impression of a Doorbell Will So Fool You
- 04: Today’s Prognosis on Ice Skating
- 03: Words To Make Them Lose Their Mind
- 02: Scripted Words
- 02: I Can Discuss Football Like I Actually Know What I’m Talking About
- 01: A Long List of Failed Resolutions
- 31: The Best of Words
- 30: I Could Be The Hottest Young Rookie In NASCAR History Thanks To Days of Thunder
- 30: Funny Words (Author’s Opinion Only)
- 29: Read or Hear Their Words
- 29: WFME’s Nobody Is Listening, Part Deux
- 28: Alternative (Exciting) Taglines For Los Angeles’ Horrific “Stormwatch!”
- 28: It Is A Question of Installation
- 27: How To Be A Blog Stalker (Or, Blokker)
- 26: Today’s Prognosis on Magic Eye Puzzles
- 25: WFME’s Gift of the Future
- 24: Words For Your Enjoyment: Bee Sting Allergies
- 23: The Blog Manifesto
- 22: Lily Costner Returns
- 21: Words of Wonder
- 21: I Will Continue To Get My Ass Kicked By 12 Year Old Kids
- 21: My Head Is Not So Huge
- 20: WFME’s What Did This Post Used To Say?
- 19: Today’s Thoughts on ‘Dead Arm Snooze Alarm Syndrome’
- 18: If I Was In Blade
- 17: Words For Your Enjoyment: The Other Pauly D
- 16: Consumer Joe, Rescued!
- 16: Ode To ‘Block of Cheese’
- 15: I Could Be Your Bartender
- 14: Today’s Prognosis on Career Faxers
- 13: WFME Knitting Project #14: Holiday-Themed Gloves
- 13: My Words Thank You
- 13: I Have A Chewing Gum Problem
- 12: Eggs Grow Cold
- 11: Steve Zissou vs. Me
- 11: I Am Going To Pretend To Let You In My Lane, Then Speed Up
- 10: Words For Your Enjoyment: Axis of Evil Vacation Spots
- 09: Let Me Axe You A Question
- 08: Surprises Phased Out, Authorities Declare
- 07: The Second Coming of the Question Game
- 06: Tonight’s Plagiarized Idea About Giving Out Free Music
- 06: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Steven Soderbergh, 2-Years From Now
- 05: The WFME Mascot
- 04: I Could Be Your 1.5% Loved Best Humor Blog
- 03: Words For Your Enjoyment: Being Cheap
- 02: The FPJ Epilogue
- 02: Today’s Prognosis On Scraped-Nail Polish Syndrome
- 02: Love My Words
- 01: The 5-5-5 Factor
- 30: Drinking Coffee With Macaulay Culkin
- 30: I Cannot Be Your “Remember the First Three Numbers” Guy
- 29: Why Peas Suck
- 28: This Post Will Not Recap Thanksgiving
- 27: 10 Things I Hate About You That Are A Result Of You Wearing A Top Hat
- 26: Words For Your Enjoyment: Big Sales! (S.F. Edition)
- 25: Their Words in Print
- 25: Stuffing Is The New Mortar
- 24: Words on Hiatus
- 23: The General Lee Big Wheel
- 23: My Head Is Huge
- 22: Nominate Their Words
- 22: I Am Afraid of Ed Begley, Jr.
- 21: Malls
- 20: Lawlessness & Disorderly People/Activities
- 19: Words For Your Enjoyment: Anal Linkage II
- 18: If I Were Dead (Or, The Miller Family Loves Gyros)
- 17: The FPJ Coefficient
- 16: Words In Print, Redux
- 16: King Of…Something
- 16: Screenwriter Angst in L.A.
- 15: Why ‘Cookies’ Is A Stupid Name For ‘Cookies’
- 14: I Could Be Your Encourager
- 13: I Have Deleted Your TiVo’d Shows But Lied Repeatedly About It
- 12: Words For Your Enjoyment: Jenna Bush
- 11: Reminiscing About Zero
- 11: Russell Crowe is Afraid of Bean Burritos
- 11: WFME’s Hopeful Spam
- 10: Gift or Die!
- 10: Sir Gibbons Seyeh, Millionaire
- 10: Line Cutting
- 09: I’d Be The Life of the Party, If I Ate Live Fish For Entertainment Purposes Only
- 09: The “I Can Hard-Boil An Egg” Argument
- 08: Words From The Past
- 08: Yogurt Is Dead
- 07: Words In Print
- 07: You Will Never Learn
- 06: Today’s Amazing Invention — Candied-Fruity-Fries!
- 05: Hidden Words: The Winners
- 05: Words For Your Enjoyment: Hidden Words
- 04: If I Shared A Room With NYPD Blue’s Dennis Franz
- 03: Revisiting Solicitors, Part 54A
- 02: The Choir
- 02: The Post Where I Turn My Voting Experience Into A Really Over-The-Top Action/Adventure Movie
- 01: Bush vs. Kerry
- 31: Alternative (Not-So-Scary) Names for Today
- 30: I Have A Warm Hat
- 29: Debating Charity
- 29: Words For Your Enjoyment: Boba Milk Tea
- 28: SMG Gloats
- 28: How Die Hard Would Have Been Different With Me In It
- 27: A Little Milestone
- 27: Today’s Lesson on Successful Lie-Telling
- 26: The Benefactor Lost Scenes
- 25: The Benefactor Finale
- 24: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Ashlee Simpson’s Singing Voice
- 24: The Bed, Bath, Beyond Factor
- 23: You Think I’m Asleep In My Bed, But I’m Not
- 22: Words For Your Enjoyment: Little Black Books
- 21: Gum Smack-Talking: The Interview
- 21: Today’s Actual Fully-Real Conversation with Earthlink Technical Support
- 20: Today’s Prognosis on Bubble Tape
- 19: The Wes Anderson Experiment
- 19: If I Lived On The Sun
- 18: Pick Up The Floss
- 18: I Could Be Your Personal, Non-Electronic Voting Machine Guy
- 17: The Best Buy Greeter Coefficient
- 16: I Am The Luckiest 0% APR Guy In The World
- 15: The Benefactor B.S.
- 15: Words For Your Enjoyment: Fanny Packs
- 14: The Smarter You Are…
- 14: The WFME 411
- 13: Everybody Is Friends in Hollywoodland
- 12: The Gremlins Diet
- 11: Benefactor Monday Redux
- 11: The Dark Side of Makeovers and Re-Modeling
- 10: Anonymous Complaint Call From Anonymous Celebrity’s Representative
- 09: The Tale Can Now Be Told
- 09: My First Sick Day
- 08: Words For Your Enjoyment: Telegrams
- 07: If I Never Want To Talk To You Again For The Rest Of My Life, All I Have To Do Is Leave You A Message On Your Voice Mail
- 06: I Believe That Children Are Our Future
- 06: Do It Yourself Hollywood Gossip
- 05: Sugar Cereals
- 04: Hilary Duff Runs Like A Girl
- 04: Benefactor Monday
- 04: Three’s Company: The Blog Episode
- 03: My Latest Thwarting of a Phone Solicitor
- 02: Problem #52 With The Goonies
- 02: I Could Be Your Designated Driver
- 01: Words For Your Enjoyment: House Cleansing For The Very Rich (Or Lazy)
- 30: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With My Left Knee
- 29: The Bachelor Has Officially Jumped The Bass Fish
- 29: A Dramatic Story Where Details and People’s Names Have Been Changed to Ambiguous Initials and Weird-Nicknames To (I Assume) Protect Their Identity
- 28: Today’s Prognosis On People Who Pretend To Wash Their Hands After Going to the Public Bathroom
- 27: People Who Pronounce “Coincidence”, “Ko-ink-eee-dink”
- 27: French Air
- 26: If My Name Was Aaren
- 25: I Can Write A Song About Anything
- 24: Words For Your Enjoyment: The Beeper
- 23: Fifty-Nine and Counting…
- 23: All It Takes Is One Good Idea
- 22: Embrace The Angry Old People Of The World
- 22: I Could Be Your Human Alarm Clock
- 21: I Would So Handle Mr. Miyagi So Much Better Than Ralph Macchio
- 20: The “What, Oh Yeah” Factor
- 19: I’m Cheating On You
- 19: Sunday’s Product Placement Post
- 18: The “I Loved It” Movie Patron Commercials
- 17: Words For Your Enjoyment: Board Game Ass Kickings
- 16: When I Say Paper or Plastic That’s When You’re Supposed to Strike Up A Conversation With Me
- 15: Today’s Thoughts on Blog Merchandising
- 14: Consumer Joe Redux
- 14: Premiere of The Benefactor
- 13: My Own Numerology
- 12: FPJ, SMG, DF and Pauly D
- 11: I Am The Best Mover-Watcher On The Planet
- 10: Words For Your Enjoyment: Gum Whitening
- 09: Albert Finney Has a Driveway Concern
- 08: The Future of Concert T-Shirts
- 07: The Real W.F.M.E. Interview: Patton Oswalt
- 06: This Week’s Amazing Events (And Who Will Play Them In The Movie Version)
- 05: You May Think I Look Like Walter Cronkite, But You’re Way Off
- 04: Countdown to The Benefactor
- 04: Musical Artists Whose Names Double As Potential Bathroom Cleansers
- 03: Words For Your Enjoyment: Speed Reading
- 02: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Arnold Schwarzenegger
- 01: What Is “The Soul”?
- 31: PD in Daily Variety
- 30: Criticism for Writers
- 30: Please Don’t Ask Me To Play Office Nerf Basketball
- 29: Sunday Is My Bedfellow
- 28: The Insanity of Tongue Depressors
- 27: The Unveiling of Pauly D
- 27: I Spit On You, Westminster Dog Show (#6)
- 27: I Spit On You, Westminster Dog Show (#5)
- 27: I Spit On You, Westminster Dog Show (#4)
- 27: I Spit On You, Westminster Dog Show (#3)
- 27: I Spit On You, Westminster Dog Show (#2)
- 27: I Spit On You, Westminster Dog Show (#1)
- 27: Words For Your Enjoyment: The Real Pauly D?
- 26: I Could Be Your Psychologist
- 25: Today’s Ban
- 25: The Real Pauly D?
- 25: I Love Ya
- 24: Today’s Prognosis On Underwater Tea Parties
- 23: Is It The Thought That Counts?
- 23: The Sarah Michelle Factor
- 22: Friends In The Business
- 22: New Reality Game Show Titles That Also Double As Warnings In Extreme Emergency Situations
- 21: I Can’t Swallow Pills
- 20: Words For Your Enjoyment: Soap Operas
- 19: Celebrities Apologize Just Like Normal People Do!
- 19: When People Don’t Understand The Rules of Realty
- 18: Getting A Star
- 18: Regina Spektor In Da House
- 18: The Amazing American Airlines Airplane Ticket Challenge
- 17: If You And I Were Trapped In A Sinking Pod Of Some Kind And The Water Was Rising And Only One Of Us Could Survive, I Would Suggest A Game of 20 Questions
- 16: The Benefactor Is Coming
- 16: Larry King Interviews Me: The Lost Interview
- 15: Strange Wedding Stories
- 15: New Names for Soap That Double As Nicknames For Your Intimidating Neighborhood Bully or Soon-To-Be Introduced WWF Star
- 14: Cereal As The New Meal
- 13: Words For Your Enjoyment: Olympic Games
- 12: My Wireless Head Is About To Explode
- 12: I Am The First Actor/Star of Instant Messenger
- 11: We’ve All Stolen Gum
- 11: Had I Been Charleton Heston on the Planet of the Apes, I Would Have Done A Better Job Than Him
- 10: Hitchhiking To Mars
- 10: The De-Fizz Factor
- 09: The HBO Tease
- 09: Hollywood Obsessions (for Men)
- 08: Slap Me And Give Me The Blog Treasure Hunt Solution!
- 08: Are You Pimpin’?
- 07: In The Continuing Tradition of Good, Not Great
- 06: The Return of the Blog Treasure Hunt
- 06: Words For Your Enjoyment: Bigfoot
- 05: All About The Vibrato
- 04: Multi-Media
- 03: Tom Cruise & Me: A Minute By Minute, Detailed Journal
- 02: My Candy Lies In Wait
- 02: Today’s Prognosis On Back Handsprings
- 01: The Rules of Trying on Clothing
- 31: I Swallowed Ink
- 30: Words For Your Enjoyment: Sesame Street
- 29: I Was A Groundlings Dropout
- 29: I Can Perform Surgery On Myself
- 28: My Second And Last Politically-Themed Entry for 2004
- 27: If You Don’t Want To Read About My Middle-of-the-Road Good News, Skip This Post
- 27: I Could Be The Richest Highway On-Ramp Pan Handler Ever
- 27: Today’s Paranoid Conspiracy Theory on Phantom Words
- 26: Mayor Of The Gym
- 25: Coming Attractions
- 24: The Death of the Ice Cream Sundae
- 23: Words For Your Enjoyment: Halle Berry’s Deaf Ear
- 22: I’m In A Fight With Freddie Prinze, Jr.
- 22: If I’m Holding A Puppy, I’m Obviously A Nice Guy
- 21: Questions, Out of Retirement
- 20: To Fold Or Not To Fold
- 20: If You’re An Employer And You’ve Found My Blog, Here’s What You Really Need to Know
- 19: Freakin-Silly Putty
- 19: You Think You Know, But You Don’t (Or, My Homage to the MTV Show, “Diary”)
- 19: A Year of Words: The Best Of
- 18: I Probably Don’t Remember Who You Are
- 17: Why Blogging Is Just Like Getting Your Hand Slammed In A Car Door
- 16: That’s My Armrest, Not Yours
- 16: Words For Your Enjoyment: Telemarketers
- 15: If I Were In The Witness Protection Program
- 14: Today’s Prognosis On Body Odor
- 14: Sneak Preview of Untitled Ancient Caveman Action Story
- 13: Surviving on Coffee
- 13: The New Urban Legends (L00K! New!)
- 12: I’m Unknowingly Going To Leave My Left Blinker On
- 12: The Depressing Reality Of 2 Pound Burritos
- 11: There Was A Post Here And Now It’s Gone
- 10: Building a Better Chicken Joke
- 09: Just Call Me Mr. Bomb Diffuser Guy
- 09: Words For Your Enjoyment: Stupid People/Big Words
- 08: Thursday’s Insecure Singles Ad
- 07: Today’s Philosophy On Combining Jelly Beans To Form Flavors They Don’t Create Themselves
- 06: I Will Not Eat Out of The Garbage (Most of The Time)
- 06: Entourage Applications Now Available!
- 05: Do-It-Yourself Rant
- 05: Someone’s Stealin’ My Quarters
- 04: Indie Pen Dance Day
- 03: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Britney’s Unconfirmed Unborn Fetus
- 02: Lights, Wireless Phone, Paranormal Action!
- 02: Archived Words
- 02: Words For Your Enjoyment: Rotary Dial Telephones
- 01: I Am A Professional Rhymer And You Can’t Stop Me
- 01: Your Cell Phone Ringtone Isn’t Fooling Anyone
- 30: The Future of Oatmeal
- 29: Esta Noche’s Entreda Mala en Espanol
- 29: Kirsten Dunst Needs A Good Orthodontist
- 28: When Brit Happens
- 28: Monday’s Tribute to My Left Eyebrow
- 27: We Are Gullible (Or, Movie Endings We Already Know)
- 26: My New Best Friend, Regina Spektor
- 25: If My Middle Name Was “Danger”
- 25: Words For Your Enjoyment: Internet Whores
- 24: Days of Water & Meetings
- 24: I Await Your Apology
- 24: I Have Perfected The Art of Spending Money I Didn’t Think I Was Going To Get
- 23: I Do Not Have A Double-Jointed Thumb
- 23: Breaking Down the Walls of the Universe
- 22: Sizzlean
- 22: This Week’s Celebrity Look-Alike Sightings
- 22: How The Movie “The Terminal” And My Experience Being Trapped In A Parking Garage Are Sort Of, Kind Of Similar
- 22: Few Words, Many Stories
- 21: Re: Clowns
- 21: Non-Scary Clown Moment #45
- 21: Meet The Real American Clown
- 20: WFME’s Week Day Of Clowns
- 20: I Could Have Been An Olympic Medalist In The 100 Yard Dash
- 19: This Evening’s Thoughts While Staring Mouth Agape Into The Open Refrigerator (Or, I’m Thirsty)
- 19: The Next Chapter of Summer ’04
- 19: I’ll Have Extra Tuna, Please
- 18: The Winning Solution
- 18: Words For Your Enjoyment: Today’s Blog Treasure Hunt
- 17: Who Wants To Turn Off the TV?
- 17: My Superpower Would Be “Having Correct Change”
- 16: Gas Prices, Big Wheels
- 16: Your Own Celebrity Gossip
- 15: My Childhood Drug Habit
- 14: Career Suicide Moment #421
- 14: Today’s Exclusive Interview With Bill Clinton
- 13: I Can Eat Three Packets of Crackers in Less Than A Minute Without A Glass of Water
- 13: Building a Better Piece of Gum
- 12: The Questions, They Are A Changin’
- 11: I Can Rule Out All of The Signs
- 11: Words For Your Enjoyment: Amy Linker
- 10: My Day Has Come
- 10: People Who Fear Conversation
- 10: Bless You or Cough-It-Easy?
- 09: An Un-Biased, Un-Scientific, Uneven Look at Airplanes
- 09: My Arm’s Strength Has Increased
- 08: Hollywood’s Buzz Factor
- 08: Hungry Hungry Hippos (Or, Good Training For Life)
- 07: I Am In Love With My GPS Tracking Gal
- 07: Me & Remo Williams: The Adventure Continues…
- 06: I Can Eat Stuff Out Of Your Mini-Bar And You’ll Never Know
- 06: Today’s Thoughts on Naming a Baby, “Apple”
- 05: Fame & Fortune in Iowa
- 04: It’s True, I Can Still Wang Chung Like The Rest of Them
- 04: Words For Your Enjoyment: Joan vs. Joan
- 03: This Week’s Useless Kitchen Item That Doesn’t Work
- 02: Where My Shoes Have No Name
- 02: Today’s Thoughts on Slo-Mo Walking Shots In Movie Trailers
- 01: Leonardo DiCaprio is Afraid of Popsicles
- 01: Stupid Me, Stupid S’mores
- 31: Promo for The Benefactor
- 31: Memorial Day MP3
- 31: The Day After The Day After Tomorrow
- 30: I Know The Science Behind Opening Jars
- 30: McDonald’s No More
- 29: I’ll Give You Money If You Give Me A Hollow Bowling Ball
- 28: Mark Cuban on CNNfn
- 28: The New Male Hug Redux
- 28: Words For Your Enjoyment: Toilet Paper Packaging
- 27: I Can Convince You That Chicken Strips Are Better Than Fish Sticks
- 27: This Week’s Amazing Events (And Who Will Play Them In The Movie Version)
- 26: Editors Are Gods
- 26: Kate Lee Wants To Be Your Friend
- 25: The Nightime Sniffling Sneezing Coughing Aching Stuffyhead Fever So You Can Rest Medicine
- 25: Why Shrek 2 and FOX’s The Swan Are The Same
- 24: An Open Letter To You
- 24: Under the Breath Crosswalk Talking
- 23: Three Paragraphs About My Public Storage Space
- 23: Sunday’s Extremely, No-Holds Barred, Happy Blog Post
- 22: Why Nails Are Stupid
- 22: I Can Vouch For Frank Whaley
- 21: WFME’s Official Guide to Good TV
- 21: Words For Your Enjoyment: Life Soundtracks
- 20: I Could Be Your Marriage Counselor
- 20: I Have Returned
- 19: The Disaster That Is Closed-Captioning
- 18: He Can Drink Beer Through His Nose
- 18: It’s a Wrap!
- 17: I Have Locked My Laptop To A Chair
- 17: Today’s Imaginary Conversation with Former Subway Spokesperson, Jared
- 16: There Are No Airbags In My Car
- 16: Le Produccion Diaree 1.516
- 15: Today’s Blatant Honesty About Food In Your Teeth
- 14: Dots vs. Dashes… And Dallas.
- 14: Words For Your Enjoyment: News Cliffhangers
- 13: Tray Tables in the Annoying Position
- 13: Today’s New Scary Holiday: Thursday the 13th
- 12: I am Always Pushing the Envelope
- 11: Ultra-Secret Travelogue
- 10: I Have Been Commerically Brainwashed
- 10: I Will Not Call This Entry, “Production Diary 1.510″
- 09: The Tragic Problems with Rock, Paper, Scissors
- 08: Your Head Is Bigger Than Mine And That Makes Me Extremely Happy
- 07: Production Diary 1.507
- 07: Words For Your Enjoyment: List Numbering
- 06: Six Attractive People In A Coffee Shop
- 05: Today’s Mind Blowing Discussion About The Universe
- 05: The Question Game Returns, Part Deux, Paragraph 4.32b
- 04: I Would Be Your Buddy If You Were Under House Arrest
- 04: Words That Rhyme with “Soap” That Remind Me of Summer in the Hamptons
- 03: Production Diary 1.503
- 03: Lily Costner and Me: Our Whirlwind Journey Across the World
- 02: The Bottom Line on Adhesive Backing
- 01: Thoughts on May 1st
- 30: Production Diary 1.430
- 30: Words For Your Enjoyment: Vegetarians
- 29: I Am The Most Successful Hypochondriac In The World
- 29: Production Diary 1.429
- 28: How Things Would Have Been Different If I’d Been Matthew Modine in Vision Quest
- 28: My Food Allergies Are Running For The Hills
- 27: Bad Handshakes
- 27: Movie Reviewer Construction Kit
- 26: Hollywood Skewered
- 26: Today’s Prognosis on Cottage Cheese Ceilings
- 25: If I Were A Weatherman
- 25: There’s Something I’m Not Telling You Here, and You Should Figure That Out From My Eyebrows
- 24: Production Diary 1.424
- 24: Silverware Up, Silverware Down
- 23: Production Diary 1.423
- 23: Words For Your Enjoyment: Organ Grinder Monkeys
- 22: Pigs Eat Hair
- 22: My Kaos Theory
- 21: Nurses & Needles
- 21: Dallas-Bound: Day 0.5
- 20: I Have More Talent In My Little Finger Than Zach Galligan
- 20: Today’s Imaginary Political Conversation with John Kerry (By Someone Who Knows Nothing About Politics)
- 19: I Scoff at Ketchup and Mustard on Hotdogs
- 19: Today’s Sourdough Bread Concerns
- 19: Jennifer Garner’s Freaky Toe
- 18: Hit Me in the Stomach as Hard as You Can Because I Can Take It
- 18: I Am Jaded
- 17: Results and More
- 17: WFME’s Price Is Right!
- 16: I Have Mastered Spooning
- 16: Words For Your Enjoyment: Writers Block
- 15: Bless Your Cough
- 15: The State of the Blog
- 15: Unconscious Pummeling
- 14: I Could Rig a Mountain for You
- 14: One Week Out (Or, Bold Italic Underline)
- 14: Today’s Thoughts on Complicated Urinal Positioning
- 13: No Calorie Life
- 13: If Kenny Rogers Was My Uncle
- 12: Half-Day? Half-Dead.
- 12: I Will Not Squish Spiders
- 12: Your Voice (And Trees Falling in the Forest)
- 11: Today’s Imaginary Conversation with the Easter Bunny
- 10: Songs for the Spinner
- 09: Dangerous Decisions (Or, War with Canada)
- 09: Words For Your Enjoyment: Your Own Movie Catch-Phrase!
- 08: Revenge of the Question Game, Part Deux
- 08: IKEA vs. Pauly D
- 07: Spirits in the Material World
- 07: Two Hundred Fifty Thousand Dollars
- 06: I Will Not Call This Entry, “These Updates Are For You, Angelina Jolie”
- 06: People Who Have to Brag About Eating Blowfish
- 05: Today’s Thoughts on Rubberbands as the New Bullet
- 04: Limericks Tell The Story
- 04: My Ability To Count At Stoplights Is Better Than Your Ability To Do It, Also
- 03: Odd Number Funny
- 03: My Crimes Are Not Obvious
- 02: How Blogging is Just Like Eating Frosted Mini-Wheats
- 02: Words For Your Enjoyment: Trump
- 01: A Brief Note From The Powers That Be
- 01: Schwimmer-Porn (Or Embarassing Celebrity Sightings)
- 01: April Fools (Or How Fools Ruin April 1st)
- 31: Raising Eyebrows
- 31: End o’ The Month Elephant Ending
- 30: Sad, Sad William Hung
- 30: People Who Share Gum
- 29: My Words, Your Comments (The Winners!)
- 29: Finally Woken
- 29: Today’s Actual Fully-Real Conversation with a Semi-Celebrity
- 28: Win My Words
- 28: Gigl-ersy Girl
- 27: Words From Above
- 27: Golden Weekend
- 26: If I Was Tom Cruise, Looking In A Mirror
- 26: Words For Your Enjoyment: Toast
- 25: Top 3 “I Did Not Cry” Moments
- 25: The Greatest American Hero Piano Concerto
- 24: Talkin’ Bout Scattergories
- 24: The Worst Possible Way To Die (Or, Punchcard Death)
- 23: The State of the “Yeah, No”
- 23: Today’s Prognosis on Salad
- 22: A Day of Trail Mix
- 22: My Extremely Depressing Imaginary Conversation with Steven Spielberg
- 22: Toe Length (Or You Got Freaky Long Toes, Girlfriend!)
- 21: Save the Pinatas!
- 21: Elevators: Microcosm of Society or Stinky Germ Receptacle?
- 20: If I Ran an Evil Intergalactic Spaceship
- 20: King of the HOB
- 19: Words For Your Enjoyment: Creeps
- 18: The New Book?
- 18: Trifecta of Questions
- 18: Three Conversations That Make No Sense
- 17: Rewind My Life
- 17: Obsessive Compulsive Star Sighters
- 16: The New Male Hug
- 16: Why I Fear Tofu
- 15: Nobody is Paying Attention
- 14: Edward Norton Wants His Car
- 13: Where’s George?
- 13: Today’s Thoughts on Fake Plastic Lemons
- 13: Ultimate Secrets Revealed!
- 12: Words For Your Enjoyment
- 11: Throat Scratching and Gleek
- 11: Today, I Have Nothing to Say
- 10: I Will Not Call This Entry, “Latest Happenings”
- 09: You Can Call Me, Cartoon-Pauly
- 09: A Month of Berries
- 08: The Question Game, Part 2
- 08: Man and a Garbage Can
- 07: Double-Baked Potatoes
- 06: Katie Couric vs. Jane Pauley
- 05: Tonight’s Ambiguous Story
- 05: Week 1, Approaching Light Speed
- 05: Words For Your Enjoyment: No-Pinkie
- 04: The Fonz
- 03: Today’s Amazing Invention — Edible Toothpicks!
- 02: A Buncha Buncha
- 02: All Hail Consumer Joe
- 02: Today’s Thoughts on Q-Tips
- 01: The New Gig, Part 2
- 01: The New Gig
- 29: Not Bill Murray!?
- 29: Tonight’s Missing Awards
- 29: Bad Movies and Good Decisions
- 28: Psychologically Unbalanced Hollywood
- 28: Anal Linkage
- 27: Friday’s Words For Your Enjoyment
- 26: Traffic
- 26: Me and Denzel Washington
- 26: The Lethargic World of Publishing
- 25: this is a lowercase title for my blog entry
- 25: The End of the World
- 24: Today’s Good News (And Who Will Be Starring In The Movie Version!)
- 24: When Stars Go Batty
- 23: Babies in Stomachs (Or Why I’m Glad I’m Not a Woman)
- 23: Beware the Taxman!
- 22: I Will Not Call This Entry, “The Week Ahead”
- 22: Television Murders and the “Can You Speak Slower, Please?” Debacle
- 21: The Karaoke Master Can Now Reveal His Secrets
- 21: Capri-Sun
- 20: The Completely Gross, Un-PC, Offensive Question Game
- 20: Radio Days, Part 2
- 20: Career Opportunities (And Pop Up Video!)
- 19: Toys!
- 19: The Grey Album
- 19: Me, The Etymologist
- 18: The Secret Behind Ben & Matt
- 18: Unfunny Day (Or, How An Escalator Ruined My Future in the Olympics)
- 18: The End of Celebrity Mole Yucatan
- 17: Looking for a Cow’s Rectum
- 17: All My Fame and a Glass of Water
- 16: Radio Days
- 16: Today’s Read Between the Lines Conversation
- 16: Mon-Sun-Day
- 15: The Dirty World of Publishing
- 15: Today’s Music Extravaganza
- 15: Sunday’s Movie Review from the Future
- 14: Robots Are Going to Take Over the World (Or Climb a Set of Stairs)
- 14: Allergy Update…
- 13: Hollywood Stupidity Story #57B
- 13: Why Disneyland Scares Me More Than Friday the 13th
- 12: Happy Valentine’s Day, Hope Your Eyes Aren’t on Fire…
- 12: Overheard
- 11: The O.C. and Ryan’s O.C.D.
- 11: Today’s Imaginary Conversation with Justin Timberlake’s Left Breast
- 11: The Bachelorette and American Idol
- 10: My Paranoid Thoughts on Wireless Faxing
- 10: The Brentwood Public Library
- 10: Stolen Super Squirrel
- 10: Norah Jones
- 10: In the Darkness of the Night
- 09: Me and Luke Perry
- 09: Celebrity Mole Yucatan
- 09: A Whole New World
- 09: You Like Me, You Really Like Me!
- 09: Theories on Vacuuming
- 08: Weekend Comes, Weekend Goes…
- 07: Search-less
- 03: Oh, The Things That I Do!
- 26: Lost in Translation
- 25: Lily Costner — Miss Golden Globes 2004
- 23: The Suck-age Effect
- 23: Shot to the Ass, and You’re to Blame…
- 22: Second Printing! (And the Juice)
- 19: When Aliens Attack, or Land Peacefully
- 17: Conspiracy Theories
- 15: I Suck.
- 09: Will Power & Clue Guessing
- 07: Twenty Dollars
- 06: The Busy Days of January
- 05: New Year’s Resolutions
- 04: Out of This World
- 03: Good and Bad
- 01: 2004, More
- 31: 2004, Whore
- 30: In America, In Baja Fresh
- 29: Me and My Neighborhood (Plus, Updates!)
- 27: Back in Los Angeles
- 25: A Sugar Filled Christmas
- 19: Legal Mumbo Jumbo
- 18: Television History
- 17: Lord of the Rings, “Return of the King”
- 17: Lord of the Farzi Electrical Contractors
- 16: The Big Question
- 15: Holiday Shopping
- 14: Another Weekend…Over!
- 14: Where’s Saddam? In U.S. Custody
- 13: Today’s Official Poem About Oranges
- 12: Diane Keaton and Her Old, Wrinkly Skin
- 12: Big Fish and My Fish
- 11: Celebrity Mole Yucatan
- 11: Paul Davidson on The Oprah Winfrey Show
- 11: Blow Up Beds
- 10: NPR’s All Things Considered
- 09: Before They Were Stars…
- 09: Dangerous Toys…
- 08: Average Joe
- 08: Conversations in Elevators
- 08: Holiday Shopping, Aliens & Dogs
- 07: Final Weekend Thoughts
- 07: The One Thousand Seven Hundred Dollar Man
- 07: Time Flies…


