Archives
Since August 2003, Words For My Enjoyment has amassed over 1000+ entries with over eight thousand comments.
Feel free to browse the archives by either using the search box above or wading through the posts at your own risk.
May 2008- 12: Today’s Fond Memory of The Hills’ Spencer Pratt
- 10: It’s Time To Boycott Paper
- 07: I Wish I Had A Friend With A Prosthetic Leg
- 06: Today’s Speed Racer Review Using Only Car Sounds (And One Monkey)
- 06: Twitter This
- 05: Bonding With My Identical Cellf
- 31: Today’s E-Mail Exchange Between Me and Sarah Jessica Parker
- 31: WFME’s FAQ in Progress
- 29: Words About The Little Mermaid
- 27: The Auto-Eater Driver’s Test
- 04: Great Follow-Up Responses To Answers That Have No True Follow-Ups
- 02: Spoiling Lost
- 27: Today’s Blatant Admission #207
- 24: WFME’s Advice to High-Schoolers: Pole Vaulting Edition
- 23: Words About The Strike
- 21: Today’s Conspiracy About Almonds
- 15: I Have A Concern About Getting Through To The Next Level on American Idol
- 10: Persistence, Podcast, Persistence
- 18: How DirecTV Screws Its HD Customers
- 17: The Bread Bowl Battle
- 04: My Secret Ethnicity
- 03: WFME’s Gorilla/Human Factor: White Head Edition
- 03: My Extremely Touching Conversation With The Guy Selling Oranges On My Neighborhood Highway Onramp
- 14: Today’s Thoughts on Fire Retarded Products
- 05: Catching Another India-Based Technical Assistance Representative In A Lie
- 02: A Brief Post Outlining My Most Recent Problems With Today’s TV Soundtrack Hipness
- 18: The Secret of Life Cereal
- 13: Facebook Applications Are The New Pet Rock
- 13: The Darjeeling Is Limited
- 08: A Brief List of the Things That Hidden-Camera Reality TV Show Production Staff Members Are Tired Of Doing
- 06: Unresolved Arguments, Vol. 2
- 05: Ten Potential Settings For My New Hilarious (Forthcoming) Joke
- 28: The Karaoke Master Has Finally Been Taken Down A Notch
- 27: Letters to eBay, Letters to You
- 22: Giving Away The Letters
- 22: It’s Time To Pick The Condiments You Want On Your Subway Sandwich
- 18: There Are Certain Surgeries I’d Like To Perform With Zero Medical Training Whatsoever
- 16: What Is It With All The Thank Yous?
- 14: Words In Print
- 11: I Feel Bad For Masseuse Daters
- 08: I Am The Best Friend A Painter Could Ever Have
- 03: Today’s Brief Question About Life Maybe Possibly Being A Highway And My Thoughts On Not Wanting To Be Riding It All Night Long
- 02: The Post In Which I Congratulate Nicole Richie on Her Impending Babyness
- 01: I Continue To Question Whether Or Not There Are Air Bags In My Car
- 30: Leaving is the New Going
- 29: My 3 Year Old Nephew’s Advice on a Variety of Work Issues
- 27: WFME Will Be Knighted
- 26: Today Is The Day I Capitalize On The Success of Hairspray With Other Ideas for Movie Musicals Based on Grooming Products
- 25: If I Was Living In A Remote Mountain Cabin Writing The Next Great American Novel And You Had Been Lost In The Mountains Having Not Eaten For Twenty Days, I Probably Wouldn’t Give You Any Food
- 24: Wearing My First Eye Patch
- 23: An Excerpt From My One Man Play, ‘I’ve Got a Splinter’
- 22: The Church of TiVo’s Ten Commandments
- 21: One Isn’t Necessarily The Loneliest Number That You’ll Ever Do
- 20: Running My Own Ice Cream Mob
- 20: Look At It As A Vacation From Your Vacation
- 13: Redesign 3.0
- 13: The Fast Food Tides Are Changing
- 12: An Excerpt From My New Play, “The Falcon and the Snowman”
- 11: Today’s Advice To An Incarcerated Paris Hilton
- 09: A List of My Latest Athletic Accomplishments To Date*
- 07: Today’s Prognosis on Moments of Silence
- 06: Found: Ed Norton’s List of Dating Do’s & Don’ts
- 06: I Could Be Your Kiddie Pool Lifeguard
- 05: Unconfirmed Spoilers About The Sopranos Series Finale
- 04: Cheddar or Swiss
- 03: Replacing ‘Hottie’
- 02: Soundtrack, Movie, Film Short & Blog
- 01: A List of Five Imaginary Friends I Wish I Had As A Kid
- 31: This Year’s Newly Picked Up TV Pilots Have Taught Me Alot About Life
- 30: Think Of It As A Vacation For Your Fingers
- 30: The Post In Which I Discuss Seeing Cate Blanchett And Our Psychic Conversation
- 29: Introducing the Pauly-ku
- 28: Memorial Day MP3
- 27: The Final Paragraph From My Other Recently Completed Novel “Mars Outpost Alpha”
- 26: The Homeless Are Getting Exponentially Smarter (Or, My Need To Be Loved By Everyone Is Making Me Stupider)
- 24: I Want A Friend Who Wears An Eyepatch (But Isn’t A Pirate)
- 23: WFME’s You Decide: Receding Hairline Midget or Left-Leg Missing Cruise Shuffleboard Coach
- 22: Today’s Hypothetical Question
- 21: More Potential TV Game Show Concepts For Simpletons
- 20: I Could Be Your Goth, Heavy Metal, Nerdy, Quirky or Jerky Lab Worker On Your New Procedural Network Show
- 19: I Have Some Huge Problems With Ghost Whispering
- 18: Who Invented The Game Thumb War
- 17: Seth Green’s Salary
- 16: A Giant Music Explosion
- 16: Backed Into Parked Car, Who’s At Fault?
- 15: We Interrupt This Week’s Feature Blog-Presentation For A Seriously Opinionated Commentary On This Country’s Inability To Embrace Free Speech
- 15: Words For Arrow
- 14: The Brady Bunch Boardroom Briefcase
- 13: Week ‘o Searches!
- 13: Other Words That Can Be Made Out Of The Letters That Form ‘Mother’
- 12: How To Write An “Extreme” Will
- 11: I Am Not Taking The Stairwell
- 10: WFME’s 10’s on the 10th: Neighborhood Watch Edition
- 09: I Am Afraid of Non-Brand Name Sorbets
- 08: This Post Was Meant For Yesterday
- 07: Ten Words That Don’t Sound Like Words After You Say Them 30 Times
- 06: The Opening Page To The Book I’m Currently Writing Entitled ‘The Princess Bride 2′
- 05: I’ve Decided I Really Don’t Like Good n’ Plenty
- 03: Facts About Ireland*
- 03: What People Are Saying About Spiderman 3
- 02: The Arrow Hurler Race Card
- 01: Why Littering Is OK
- 30: Monday’s Exciting List of Verbal Argument Finishing Moves After The Other Party Storms Out The Door (Kitchen Edition)
- 29: Today’s Post In Which I Blatantly Attack The Concept of Stupid Obstacle Courses
- 28: Revising The Male Urinal Coefficient
- 27: I Am The Master Tracer
- 25: I’m Afraid These Symptoms Don’t Seem To Add Up To Anything
- 25: Today’s Prognosis on Fist Shaking
- 24: An Excerpt From My New Period Play, “Shot Through The Heart in The Year 1878″
- 23: It’s Time To Help Alec Baldwin Out
- 21: Ten Rules for Eating At That Chinese Food Donut Hybrid Restaurant
- 20: Examining The Seat-A-Wayers
- 19: Over-Analyzing The Frozen Yogurt Theme Song
- 18: Celebrities Are Just Like You and Me, Vol. 2
- 17: When Change Askers Are Not So Good At Improv
- 16: Today I Would Like To Declare My Allegiance To FIJI Bottled Water
- 15: Maureen McCormick vs. Kristy McNichol
- 14: WFME’s Fad Watch ‘07
- 13: Ba-Do-Ba-Do, Podcast, Ba-Do-Ba-Do
- 13: Homeland Security Has Finally Ruined My Movie Going Experience
- 12: The General Los Angeles Population Seems To Be Obsessed With The Missing Polar Bear From ABC’s ‘Lost’
- 11: The BFF Debacle
- 10: On This Day In My Personal History
- 09: I’m Not Quite Sure What My Accountant Is Trying To Say
- 08: WFME’s Guide to Shoplifting Cadbury Creme Eggs
- 07: Four Brief Scenes Involving Conversations That Are Somehow Related To Discovery Channel’s Runaway Crab-Fishing Documentary Hit, ‘Deadliest Catch’
- 06: Where Have All The Clever Literate Sayings Gone?
- 04: Why The Film ‘The Sound of Music’ Is Completely Unrealistic
- 03: Why Dancing With The Stars Is Unfair If You’ve Got Two Good Legs
- 02: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Katie Holmes’ Scientology Handler
- 01: I’m Getting Zero Shampoo Bowl Committment
- 31: Words Between The Button Pushers
- 30: Don’t Do The Fondue
- 29: Egg Story, Thursday Edition
- 28: WFME’s Right Name Wrong E-Mail
- 27: I Have This Urge To Get Into An Industrial Sized Clothes Dryer And Have Someone Turn It On
- 26: This Week’s Neighborhood Feud (Or, Desperate Stopsigns)
- 25: Fortune Cookie Messages Inspired By 80’s Film Director John Hughes
- 24: Today’s Brief Question About Digging Up Corpses
- 23: I Am Running Away From ‘The Hills’
- 22: Today’s Prognosis on Rude Doctor-In-The-House Restaurant Yellers
- 21: Making Obituaries Fun
- 20: Really Truly Ironic Things
- 19: Today’s Overrated Element: Air
- 18: The Final Paragraph From My Recently Completed Novel “Ben Bovak, Street Cleaner”
- 17: A Select Scene From Knight Rider, Starring Socrates
- 16: Cutting Out Letters From Magazines For Ransom Notes Is So 1985
- 15: Podcast-a-GoGo
- 14: One Million Served!
- 14: Imaginary Dwarf Restaurant Pal (And 2 Other Overheard Conversations)
- 13: I’m Officially Done With Bricks
- 12: Wrong Number, Right Language
- 12: If I Could Perform Complicated Surgeries With A Toothpick
- 10: Approaching A Million
- 09: Words For Your Enjoyment: Kim Wilde and Hanging On
- 08: There Are Medical Reasons For Why I Can’t Empty The Dishwasher
- 07: An Open Letter To You, PDF Converter
- 06: The Sarah Michelle Gellar Smoking Debate Can Finally Be Resolved
- 05: Dancing With The Ailments
- 04: I Could Be Your Surgery Waker-Upper Trainer
- 03: Digg My Words
- 03: The 5 Calorie Gum Question
- 02: I Think I Have More Pores Than Most Normal Folks
- 01: Celebrities Are Talking About WFME
- 28: Today’s Brief Question About Why People Don’t Think I Can Pull Off The ‘Bat Thing’
- 27: Picking Apart The Concept Of Pouring Some Sugar On Me
- 26: An Insider’s Look At NBC’s Heroes (Major Spoilers Ahead)
- 25: An Excerpt From My New Play, “Bringing Sexy Back”
- 24: If I Was A Funny Wonder Twin
- 23: Ham, Podcast, Ham
- 22: My Spanish Name Is Definitely Not Pablocito
- 21: WFME’s You Decide: 2 Tacos for $.99 or 99 Tacos for $.02?
- 20: The Soap Dispenser Argument
- 19: To Do: On President’s Day
- 18: WFME Is Now Officially Recognized As A Non-Profit For-Profit Philanthropical Charity Organization
- 17: A Hint Of Things To Come
- 15: The American Idol Rejection Construction Kit (Psyche! Edition)
- 14: Excerpts From Dick Cheney’s Children’s Bedtime Stories (Publishing Date, Fall ‘07)
- 13: It’s Time To Go Back To The Drawing Board When It Comes To My Latest Batch of Clever Answering Machine Messages
- 12: The Adultoids
- 11: Celebrities Are Just Like You and Me
- 10: Bette Midler & Me
- 09: Words For Your Enjoyment: Calling Out Your Nemesai
- 08: I Am The King Of Asking For A Water Glass Then Sneaking Free Soda
- 07: I Am Writing This Post From Inside A Locked Chest Inside The Basement of Some Guy I Just Met At My Local Best Buy
- 06: I Am Afraid That My Waitress Doesn’t Find Me Funny Enough To Tell Her Friends About Me
- 05: WFME’s Burning Question: How Much Hair Is Too Much Hair?
- 03: William Shakespeare, Text Messenger
- 02: If I Could Transplant Dead Elvis’ Head Onto My Body And Still Be A Contributing Member of Society
- 01: Transcription Thursday: The “Diet” Shopping List
- 31: Today’s Ironic Vanna White Story About No Make-Up and Sushi
- 30: A Few Brief Thoughts on Why I Would Never Want To Be a Parachute Packer
- 29: Ten Classic TV Shows, Reimagined For Today’s Discerning Audiences
- 28: Hear Your Words
- 27: I Am Afraid That Everything Around Me Is Bombarding Me With Radioactive Fallout
- 26: Words For Your Enjoyment: Excite-o-Lifes
- 25: An Excerpt From My New Play, “Are You OK? I Think So.”
- 25: Today’s Prognosis on Chin-Implant Force-Feelers
- 25: Frankenstein, Cell Phone User
- 24: Today We Will Retire Yet Another Fruit That Is So Obviously Only Enjoyed By Old People
- 23: 10 Replacements for LOL, Seeing As Though We’re All Just A Little Bit Tired of Being on the LOL-Bandwagon
- 22: I Have Invented a Fantasy Football Watchers League
- 21: If The Sun Was Called “Poppy Seed”
- 20: Jessica Simpson Walked Past Me
- 19: I Could Be Your Cream Cheese Concierge
- 18: Neil Armstrong, Cell Phone User
- 17: An Open Letter To You, Bottle-Opener Keychain Guy
- 16: I Am The King of Dining and Ditching
- 15: I Am Still Waiting For A Response From The Owners of My Local Italian Restaurant
- 14: Ten Things I Said I’d Eat For $10,000, That Secretly I Wouldn’t When It Came Down To It
- 12: The Post In Which I Show How I Take What I Learned From My Previous Conversation With The Homeless And Completely Mess It Up A Second Time
- 11: Effective Immediately I Will Be Crying To Make My Own Life Easier
- 10: Today’s Post Will Be Presented In The Form of a Completed Mad Lib Thanks To All of You Who Submitted Nouns, Adjectives and Verbs
- 09: Today’s Blatant Admissions, Pt 2
- 08: I Have Come Up With An Equation That Will Solve All Your Relationship Problems
- 07: WFME’s New Year Fear: Movie Theater Headrest Lice
- 06: Today’s Prognosis on Organ Giver-Outers
- 05: Today Someone Has Paid Me To Talk About Printer Ink Cartridges
- 04: I Could Be Deaf, Dumb and Blind But Still Play A Mean Pinball
- 03: TomKat Is Just About Over
- 02: Everyone’s Happy New Year Is Ruining This Country’s Level of Productivity
- 01: Today’s Brief Question About Why It Will Take Me Six Months To Realize It’s 2007
- 31: The Best of Words
- 30: An Open Letter To You, Orange Citrus Finger Smeller
- 29: I Am Not Afraid of Getting Shot
- 28: No Matter What I Do, I Can’t Dream About Whitney Houston
- 27: I’m At The Wrong Drive-Thru But No One Seems To Care
- 26: I Can Pretend My Ship Just Got Hit By A Missle
- 25: Merry Christmas & A Happy New Fear
- 24: A Few Christmas Thoughts From WFME
- 23: Coloring Words
- 22: An Excerpt From My New Play, “Sushi Chef”
- 21: I Don’t Know About You, But I Could Use A Nice Cold Glass of Water
- 20: WFME’s You Decide: Give a Man a Fish or Teach a Man to Fish?
- 19: WFME’s List of Regards
- 18: Today’s Prognosis on Your Unwashed Jeans
- 09: A Letter From The Management
- 08: Words For Your Enjoyment: No Topic Post
- 07: I Am Afraid I’ve Got A Low Grade E-Coli Infection
- 06: Janie & Jack Hates Babystyle
- 05: The Office’s Jenna Fischer Eats Out At Restaurants While Being Interviewed For Fitness & Health Magazines…Just Like You!
- 03: Today’s Post Will Contain All The Captions I’ve Ever Written For Those ‘Submit Your Caption’ Contest Thingies
- 02: This Week’s Amazing Events (And Who Will Play Them In The Movie Version)
- 01: Words For Your Enjoyment: One Dollar
- 30: Today’s Rebellious Thoughts on Lap Napkining
- 29: An Excerpt From My New Play, “Two Dimes And A Nickel For A Quarter”
- 28: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
- 27: WFME On: Not Needing Heroes
- 26: I’m Thinking of a Number Between One and One-Hundred
- 25: The Procedural Cop Shows of My Dreams Have Stupid Characters
- 24: Amazing Deals Today at WFME!
- 23: An Open Letter To Everyone At My Thanksgiving Dinner
- 22: Kids Say The Darndest Things
- 21: Redesigning The Fake Plastic Grape
- 20: It Seems Cylons Aren’t Perfect (And Neither Is Lucy Lawless’ Fingernail)
- 20: Prison Break: The Drinking Game
- 19: Today’s Prognosis on Finger Scratching Hand Shakers
- 18: WFME Has Been Banned
- 17: Words For Your Enjoyment: Chime Living
- 16: My Super Secret Alter Egos
- 15: Three Brief Conversations We Might Have If I Was Jaded And Lived In A Sealed Cardboard Box…And You Didn’t
- 14: I Could Cryogenically Freeze You If You Wanted Me To
- 13: Reporting Words
- 12: Today’s Prognosis on Amateur Hair Cutters
- 11: Today’s Brief Question About Living On Pluto
- 10: Apparently Your Glove Compartment Is Not Yours
- 09: If I Named My Toe ‘Nadine’ These Would Be Some of The Greatest Phrases I Could Possibly Say
- 08: Four Hour, Podcast, Four Hour
- 07: Five New Ingenious Ways To Make Voting The Most Exciting Experience Ever
- 06: Kasey (Age 4) Hates Me
- 05: WFME’s You Decide: Taco Bell Dining or Taco Bell Phone-Call
- 04: An Excerpt From My New Play, “A Serving of Cereal”
- 03: Words For Your Enjoyment: Reader Reunion
- 02: Homeless Folks Just Want Love, Too
- 01: I Could Be Your Extreme Scrapbooker
- 31: An Excerpt From My Graduate School Thesis, “There’s No Such Thing As A Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”
- 30: The Squirrels Have Declared War Against Me
- 29: I Am Going To Be The Coolest Halloween Candy Giver Ever
- 28: I’m Done Opening Doors
- 27: Words For Your Enjoyment: [Blank Space Here]
- 26: My New Billion Dollar Idea
- 25: If Multiple Personality Disorder Is A Superpower Then Los Angeles Is Filled With Heroes
- 24: Amanda Foreman Wants To Be Called Mandy Instead
- 23: WFME’s Nobody Is Listening, Part Threux
- 22: Adult Diapers For The Rest Of Us
- 21: Tums Are The New Flintstones Chewable Vitamins
- 20: Today I Will Give Away A Lock Of My Hair
- 19: And Now I’d Like To Take A Moment To Answer A Handful Of Questions Currently Being Submitted Through The Website For My Book ‘The Lost Blogs’
- 18: Writing Your Own Choose Your Own Adventure Book Is Actually Pretty Tough
- 17: There’s No Way To Determine Between Blood Diamonds and Regular Diamonds
- 16: The Cold v. Heat Debate Finally Resolves Itself
- 15: If I Had Gills
- 14: Today’s Brief Question About Believing You, Then Me
- 13: Words For Your Enjoyment: The Populars
- 12: A List Of My Most Recent Amazing World Records That Guinness Book Should Be Aware Of
- 11: Emptied-Out Skulls Is The New Impalement
- 10: I Could Have Invented The Zipper
- 09: Today’s In-Depth Look At The Eleven Switch Factor
- 08: I Have My Most Meaningful Conversations While Buying Gum In A Gas Station Mini-Mart
- 07: I Am Overcompensating For A Lack of Knowledge
- 06: Words For Your Enjoyment: Baby Names
- 05: If I Could Play Hide n’ Go Seek With Lionel Richie
- 04: Introducing The New Ten Commandments
- 03: The Debate Rages On
- 02: It’s Time For Me To Apologize For This Compilation
- 01: Why October 1st Isn’t Such A Great Date
- 30: Five Transcribed Notes As Left By The Jaded Tooth Fairy
- 29: Words For Your Enjoyment: Dinner Parties
- 28: I Am Afraid My Face Isn’t Symmetrical
- 27: An Early Scene From My Untitled, Not Really Thought Out, New Screenplay
- 26: If I Was Your Sister’s Best Friend’s Brother’s Cousin’s Cell-Mate’s Overly-Enthusiastic And Partially Egotistical Tennis Instructor
- 25: WFME’s You Decide: Walking Around With A Ziploc Bag Filled With Water or A Severed Left Arm
- 24: Lead Poisoning Is A Total Fallacy
- 23: The Post Where I Introduce My Hypothesis That People In Society Are Extremely Bored, Thus The Creation of a New Game Called High-Stakes Bingo
- 22: The Reason For No Conversation In Public Bathrooms (Or, Complicated Multiplication)
- 21: Wentworth Miller Can Break Out of Prison, But Not A Dead-End Job
- 20: WFME’s Bad Job Wednesday: Highway Line-Painter
- 19: Words After ‘The Breakfast Club’
- 18: I Am The King of Making Simple Instructions Seem Complicated
- 17: These Are A Few Of My Favorite Letters
- 16: I Want To Be Asked By Underage Kids To Buy Them Alcohol
- 15: My Hair Stylist Says My Sideburn Has A Bald Spot
- 14: Nobody Wants Any Free Cheesecake
- 13: Hundred Grand, Podcast, Hundred Grand
- 12: I Have Come Up With A Great Alternative To Giving Up Blogging
- 11: Ten Mistyped English Subtitles I’d Like To See In American Films Translated For International Audiences
- 10: The WFME Report
- 09: If We Switched Up ‘Pretty Woman’ By Replacing Julia Roberts With A CGI-Animated Penguin
- 08: Words For Your Enjoyment: More Lost Words
- 07: The Pillsbury Dough Boy Speaks Out On Poor Body Image
- 06: Santa Claus Is Not Real (And Neither Is The Tooth Fairy)
- 05: Picking Apart The Whole Sunglasses At Night Phenom
- 04: Previous Labors, Rewrapped!
- 03: I’d Like To Take The Opportunity To Criticize Your Choice To Rob A Bank While Invisible
- 02: Re-Stating The Rules of ‘The Wave’
- 01: Words For Her Enjoyment: Janet Returns
- 31: If You Were On Fire And All I Had Was A Really Expensive Coat
- 30: This Entire Blog Is A Joke
- 29: Ten Movies Whose Plotlines Would Change By Simply Adding The Word ‘Cheese’ To Their Titles
- 28: An Emmy Story (Or, Paula Abdul’s Assistant Needs Deodorant)
- 27: Automobile SOS Buttons Are The New Crank Call
- 26: Rejected Alternate Taglines From The ‘What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas’ Tourism Ad Campaign
- 25: Words For Your Enjoyment: The Ambassador’s Club
- 24: I’m Here For You, Fellow Blackberriers
- 23: WFME’s Male-Centric You Decide: A Painless Nail In The Head or A Weekly Pedicure?
- 22: A Brief Excerpt From My New Play, ‘Green Tea Is Good For You’
- 21: WFME Helps Out The Ladies
- 20: Top Ten New Career Choices As Inspired By Misspelled Spam E-Mail Subject Lines
- 19: An Open Letter To ‘Elbow Sandpaper Guy’
- 18: Today’s Stunning Supermarket Admission #329
- 17: Since I Hate Attention Today’s Post Will Not Be About My Birthday
- 16: Magazine Words on TV
- 16: Today’s Brief Question About Why You Keep A Cigarette Behind Your Ear
- 15: I Want To Do Ludicrous Things That You May Actually Also Want To Do As Well
- 14: Roseanna Arquette Won’t Buy Her Kids A Dog (Sort Of)
- 13: Just Call Me The Freckle Lancer
- 12: Today’s Wrong Number Transcript
- 11: Janet Is Evicted (The Q&A Session)
- 10: Today We Will Vote Out One Of Yesterday’s Commenters
- 09: Lucky Charms, Without the Lucky (Or, I Can Create Better Cereals Than You Guys)
- 08: Today’s Prognosis on Doorbell Ditch
- 07: It Sort Of Sucks That Because Of This Post My Other Post About The Action Figure Based On Me Has Scrolled Off The Main Page
- 06: WFME Makes Over The Tooth Fairy
- 05: Ten Rules for Pretending To Be British
- 04: Words For Your Enjoyment: Animated Toe Fungus
- 03: Today’s Imaginary Conversation With The Rolled Up Pashmina Currently Pretending To Be Tom Cruise’s Baby Suri
- 02: The Action Figure Based on Me
- 01: If I Was Trapped In A Collapsed Cave With A Miner Who Wore A Ski-Mask All The Time
- 31: Mel Gibson: The Cover-Up Continues
- 30: A Short Excerpt From My New Book, “Bao!”
- 29: I Am Blacker Than Jessica Stover
- 28: AMEX, Podcast, AMEX
- 28: Words For Your Enjoyment: Lost Words
- 27: Today WFME Will Be Banning Car Ashtrays
- 26: Nostradamus Girl Costs Me Cash
- 25: Taxidermy Is The New Accounting
- 24: I Sound Just Like Chris Martin
- 23: And Then There Were 25
- 22: Today I Will Challenge Country Singer Paul Davidson To A Duel
- 21: Words For Your Enjoyment: Non-Q&A
- 20: The Boo Factor
- 19: Today I Will Challenge USA Today Writer Paul Davidson To A Duel
- 18: That Twitching Underneath My Skin Can’t Be Normal
- 17: I Think My Checker Is Up To Something
- 16: No Blog Post Today
- 15: Stupid People Love Accidents
- 13: If I Was Only A Confetti Nose Sneezer
- 12: Words on DVD
- 12: Reason #43 Why I Will Be A Millionaire
- 11: A Brief Excerpt of Dialogue From The Climax Sequence In A Film I’m Currently Writing, Tentatively Called ‘I Think My Finger Is Stuck In This Coke Bottle’
- 10: If I Was An Evil High School Guidance Counselor
- 09: This Blog Is Better Than Your Psychologist
- 08: Today’s Overheard Conversation Including A Man, An Extremely Warped and Melted CD Jewel Case and a Tower Records Employee
- 07: Words For Your Enjoyment: White Lies
- 06: I Am Afraid of Lime Juice That Isn’t Mine
- 05: Today’s Behind-The-Scenes Look At How A Screenwriter Brushes His Teeth
- 04: WFME’s Declaration of Dependence
- 03: When A Band’s Name Should Not Be The Same
- 02: Questions Asked At A Starbucks Interview
- 01: What’s Up With All The Mango?
- 30: The Continuing Saga of Star Jones
- 30: Words For Your Enjoyment: Names on Bricks
- 29: Your Silent Cry Is Worth Its Weight In Gold
- 28: Star Jones Will Be Joining WFME
- 27: Today’s Prognosis on Disappearing Animals
- 26: A Brief Historical Timeline of My Parachute Pants
- 25: Demand My Words
- 25: Katey Sagal Has Entered The Witness Protection Program
- 24: WFME’s You Decide: Coughing Up A Lung or A Small Ferret
- 23: Words For Your Enjoyment: Best of Both Words
- 22: Quotes From A Blogger
- 21: The Homeless Are Smarter Than Me
- 20: It’s Come To My Attention That Hollywood Stars Are Reading This Blog
- 19: Why ‘The Lake House’ Is Completely Unrealistic
- 18: It’s Time To Stop Complaining About Your Paper Cuts Like They’re War Wounds
- 17: There’s A Squirrel In My Fridge
- 16: Words For Your Enjoyment: Re-Readers
- 15: WFME’s Thermal Thursday
- 14: Do Me A Favor And Please Rank This Blog Post On A Scale of 1 to 10
- 13: Subject Line Here
- 13: I Could Be Your Smell Detective
- 12: Overheard Somewhere in Swakopmund, Namibia
- 11: An Open Letter To TV Producers Who Continue To Use James Blunt Over And Over And Over Again
- 11: Stunning Admission #10
- 10: If I Had A Plastic Axe Stuck In The Side Of My Head, Instead Of a Real One
- 09: Tune-In: WGN Radio
- 09: Words For Your Enjoyment: Richard Simmons vs. Neil Diamond
- 08: Bay Area Words
- 07: I Refuse To Say ‘Uno’ In Uno
- 06: An Excerpt From My New Short Story, “Do You Want Ketchup With That?”
- 06: Words On Stage
- 05: I Should Not Be Held Accountable For Killing My Hamster
- 04: Sorry, But I’m A Couch Bigot
- 03: Midget On My Doorstep
- 02: WFME’s Rules of Hugging (For Men)
- 01: I Am Afraid of June 1st
- 31: WFME’s You Decide: A Bird In The Hand or A Bird In The Bush
- 30: Ten New Ways To Answer The Phone That Will Really Make Your Callers Intrigued (Or, Confused)
- 29: Memorial Day MP3
- 29: Today’s Blatant Admission About Feeling Gum
- 28: The No Water Go Bad Conspiracy
- 27: Today’s Thoughts On Incomplete Spoon Tasters
- 26: Words For Your Enjoyment: More Lost Blogs
- 25: Today’s Brief Question About Why You Need People To Carry Your Crap
- 24: Saliva-Watch 2006
- 23: Airlines, Podcast, Airlines
- 23: FPJ Returns, Then Leaves My Life Forever
- 22: If I Had Actually Been That Kid Eric Stoltz Played In “Mask”
- 21: Intro, Podcast, Intro
- 20: Today’s Conversation In The Airport Bathroom That Never Happened
- 19: An Assembly Line of Words
- 19: This Post Was Written In Fifteen Minutes
- 19: Words on TV
- 18: I Am Now Worth $122.76
- 18: I Love You, But That Mole On Your Cheek Really Must Go
- 17: My Dinner With Matthew Perry & Sheryl Crow
- 16: Words From The Road
- 15: Seven Paragraphs About Chicken Wraps
- 14: The Post Where Bulletpoints Figure Prominently
- 13: Three Separate Paragraphs From Three Separate E-Mails That I Decided To Delete Before Sending For A Variety Of Obvious Reasons
- 12: Catching Up With The Lost Blogs
- 11: 10 Rules For Eating Out of The Garbage
- 10: How Joe Pesci’s Speech From Goodfellas About Being A Clown Might Have Sounded If He Was Being Accused Of Being A NASA JPL Technician Instead
- 09: I Seem To Be Having A Medicine Aisle Standoff
- 09: Abe & Sarcomical
- 08: Yes. It’s Here. Really.
- 07: Six Easy Steps To Forming Your Own Successful Charity
- 06: Somebody Threw A Croissant On My Doorstep
- 05: Three Real Conversations And One Fake One
- 05: Since I’ve Used Up Every Clever Title Combination For ‘The Lost Blogs’ I’ll Refrain This Time Around
- 04: I Could Be Your Considerate Intervention Giver
- 03: An Intimate Conversation with Tom Cruise
- 02: This Post Will Only Be Good For One Hour
- 01: Today’s Thoughts on No-Skill Ladder Holders
- 30: Aquariums: Stupid Wastes Of Time or Stupid Wastes of Time?
- 29: Today’s Post Will Be About Amazon, How They’re Shipping My Book Now, How Giddy That Makes Me Feel And A Short Story About The Post Office Angel
- 28: Words For Your Enjoyment: Blog Scavenger Hunt
- 27: Today’s Prognosis on Pomegranate Juicers
- 27: More Lost Blogs, More Sports Talk
- 26: WFME’s Bad Job Wednesday: Tollbooth Taker
- 25: Illustrated Words
- 25: People Just Don’t Want To Eat A Stick of Butter
- 24: Housewarming Sayings
- 24: Two Weeks And Counting
- 23: If I Had A Disease That Caused My Bowels To Empty Every Time You Shook My Hand
- 22: It’s Time To Come Clean About My Big Head
- 21: Announcing the NEW Lost Blogs
- 21: Words For Your Enjoyment: Talking with TomKitten
- 20: An Operation of Words
- 20: I Am So Street
- 19: Excerpts From My New Book, ‘How To Get Someone To Drop A Gun’
- 18: WFME’s You Decide: Getting Hit In The Head With An Anvil or A Dead Kangaroo
- 17: I Could Be Your Expert Cloud Spotter
- 16: Winners of The Lost Blogs
- 16: Ten Rules for Making Rules
- 15: The Little (Big) Problems of a Trucker
- 14: It Is What It Is
- 13: I Am Afraid of Marco Polo
- 12: Ladybug: The Most Coddled Bug In The World
- 11: Today’s Rumors About Celebrities
- 10: If My Left Hand Was A Wet Piece of Steak And My Right Hand Was A Tuba
- 09: Today’s Thoughts on Nose-Picker Eye-Lockers
- 08: I Can’t Stop Calling ‘Shotgun’
- 07: Words For Your Enjoyment: Historical Words
- 06: Stunning Admission #9
- 05: WFME’s State of the Blogosphere
- 04: I Am A Compulsive Box-Taper
- 03: WFME’s 10 Obscure Ways To Snag A Man
- 02: Scott Baio Likes To Steal Your Table
- 01: An Open Letter to ‘Woman Eating Vat of Clam Chowder In Car’
- 31: Words For Your Enjoyment: The WOMP
- 30: I Am The King of Reaching For The Check (But Never Getting It)
- 29: Why Sometimes Y?
- 28: I Am Afraid of Keychain Clutterers
- 27: If ‘Field of Dreams’ Happened to Me
- 26: CSI’s Gary Dourdan Likes To Drive Fast, Then Stop As If He’s Going To Kick Your Ass
- 25: How Line Drawing In Cars Can