Face It, Cats Don’t Like You

I often liken cats and the general feline species to a cheerleader I once knew in junior high school who often gave you this sarcastic look that either meant she hated you or wanted you to go away.

That’s because, let’s face it, cats don’t like you.

And when I say you it means all of you. Because while we all think the cats we cherish are just funny or quirky or aloof; the reality is they’re just putting up with us until the mother ship arrives and they can finally tell us all what they really think.

Talk to the cat lovers and they will write off what I like to call the catitutde to a bunch of human traits that cats don’t even have. Cats are adorably-egotistical, some will say. Cats are lovable balls of fur and fury, others have said. Cats love their owners, but are very protective in the company of strangers…thus their constant scratching and hissing.

Face it, cats don’t like any of us.

People joke that cats could be from another planet and I’m not altogether convinced they aren’t. Landing here on Earth during Egyptian times, they quickly assimilated themselves and became (what the History books claim) “the most beloved pets of the Egyptian times.” Evidenced, by of course, all those pictographs that prominently featured cats wearing classic Egyptian head garb.

I know people who liken cats in Egypt to Jerry Lewis in France. (KnowwhatImean?)

Dogs are dopey and lovable. They’re also kind of stupid. But, don’t we (as a culture) love dopey stupid people? Don’t we embrace the stupid? Look at the covers of mainstream magazines and tell me who we’re following around (cough, Britney, cough) and then tell me we don’t love our stupid folks. Same goes for the dogs — with a vocabulary that doesn’t exceed that of a two year old child, we can pretty much love our dogs and not worry about them reprogramming the alarm code for our home and then accidentally (ahem) calling the police on us.

Cats? Not so much.

You often hear the stories of cats dialing 911. Of cats saving their owners from an untimely death. Of cats smartly and quickly dealing with tragic and dangerous situations. My dog sleeps in his own poop.

Bring up a list of all the other pets we have, from guinea pigs and mice to birds and fish…and throw a cat in there for good measure. And at the end of the day when you look at the entire list…it’s like looking at a list of countries like Canada, New Zealand, Australia, Switzerland, France, Italy and Iraq. Can you guess which animal is like Iraq?

Cough, cat, cough.

The cat lovers and naysayers will defend cats to the bitter end. They will recount the stories of love and cuddling and scratch posts. They will say, “Well if cats don’t like me then why would they save me in dangerous and life-threatening situations?”

The cat avoiders will respond to that by saying that cats are just keeping us all alive so that someday we can become their slaves, much like the Egyptians. Maybe 2012 is what they’re waiting for.

But I don’t have time for conspiracy theories and alien jokes. I don’t have time for any of it because I have come to accept the fact that cats just don’t like me. Or you. Or anyone. They’re pretending they like us just so they can use us until they no longer need us.

Like that junior high school cheerleader.

A hex on you, m’lady.

11 comments on “Face It, Cats Don’t Like You

  1. David Niall Wilson - July 30, 2008 at 9:44 am -

    Cats only love food and washing themselves. Our revenge is watching them cough up hairballs.

    DNW

  2. sizzle - July 30, 2008 at 9:52 am -

    You and your cat distaste. This is so three years ago! 😉

  3. Pauly D - July 30, 2008 at 10:00 am -

    Sizzle – Three years ago I was trapped in a car with a rapidly approaching river of kerosene/flames rushing towards my gas tank. A calico named Tubbs saved my life.

  4. Catherine - July 30, 2008 at 11:35 am -

    I’m a dog person till the end. I love all animals from a safe distance; they’re fascinating and often charming or adorable (especially babies. Have you ever seen a baby duck? That’s like crack cocaine for your occipital lobe). I think I see cats as one of those sorts of wild animals which will, interestingly, not be too averse to a little direct contact and interaction with humans. Like raccoons, but a bit more trustworthy around your children.

  5. jacquie - July 30, 2008 at 11:05 pm -

    I used to have a cat but he was allergic to people so I had to get rid of him.

  6. Jerry - July 31, 2008 at 7:32 am -

    Since my generation equates everything to movies I see dogs as Warren from ‘Something About Mary’ – cats as anything Nicole Kidman.

  7. Susan - August 7, 2008 at 5:58 pm -

    A cat named Tubbs saved you from burning in a car? That’s so weird, a cat named Crockett set my car on fire.

  8. Shawn - August 13, 2008 at 1:06 pm -

    I think cats are behind many conspiracy theories. think about the grassy knoll… aliens…hot pockets??

    CATS

  9. Andrea H. - September 18, 2008 at 7:26 pm -

    I KNOW cats hate all of us. I see it everyday. The only cute ones are the kittens, and even those adorable fuzzballs learn (from the older cats) to attack humans — puncture eyeballs when possible, but any piece of flesh will do is the code of the cat. That’s what the kitty gloves and the kitty burrito (i.e. a thick towel) are for in my world.

  10. LisaBinDaCity - September 22, 2008 at 9:31 am -

    Exactly the reasons why I have a dog!

  11. Allan - November 30, 2008 at 5:33 pm -

    Thanks to our host and you posters for today’s best laugh for me, I needed it. Don’t we always? My favorite: “Have you ever seen a baby duck? That’s like crack cocaine for your occipital lobe.”

    Catherine: “I love all animals from a safe distance; they’re fascinating and often charming or adorable (especially babies. Have you ever seen a baby duck? That’s like crack cocaine for your occipital lobe).”

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