Words for My Enjoyment

It’s Time To Boycott Paper

May 10th, 2008

Let me ask you a simple question that requires zero education whatsoever.

That question is, “What’s the use of paper?” We’ve got garbage dumps filled up with the stuff, we’re killing trees and raping forests to create the damn things, they cut and slice our fingers open with reckless abandon and most people, upon seeing paper, find themselves sick to their stomachs with the anticipation of pending work.

That’s why, effective immediately, it’s time to boycott paper.

Just like the oil companies are forcing politicians to slow the advances that will free us from gasoline in our cars, so too are mega-companies like Staples and Office Max and printer companies like HP and Epson, so that our desperate need for paper never ends (like the Universe and its inherent infinity).

Without paper, there would be no need for printers, binders, toner, copy machines, fax machines, FedEx Letter-sized packages, pens, three hole punchers, paper clips and a mind-numbing amount of other products. Paper, is in my opinion, the reason why we waste so much money in our lives. It’s not college tuition for the kids, it’s not supporting our thirty-five children in third-world countries…

…it’s paper. And it’s time to nip this thing in the bud.

For what reason do we need paper anymore anyway? With products like the Amazon Kindle (and others that use screens that replicate what text looks like on paper) that allow people to read digital books instead of killing rows of trees just to provide themselves with a copy of “The Devil Wears Prada,” the only sure-fire reason for paper evaporates. Printing documents on your printer is just another way to add to the growing problem of over-capacity garbage dumps and land fills. Some people will say that we need paper for movie tickets and airplane boarding passes, but recent advances allow individuals with Crackberries and iPhones to blow up the bar code for their movie tickets and passes on-screen, which can be easily scanned by our amazing machines.

So why not get rid of paper for good?

Some say that I am just one man with one blog and one point of view. But if I can spark five others who can each spark another five others — before long my quest to remove paper from the face of our planet will actually, kind of…probably happen.

What do we need paper for?

I have stacks of paper everywhere around me. Whether they’re newspapers or magazines or crap I’ve gotten in the mail (junk mail would be 86′d ASAP)…there’s nothing positive that comes with paper. In fact, if you take the letters of PAPER and re-arrange them, do you know what very telling word you get?

RAPE (and there’s an extra P you can whatever you want with)

Yes, we are being RAPED by corporate America with this stupid paper scam. As I mentioned above, all paper does is cause us to spend more money on paper-related products, paper-necessitating machines, paper this and paper that. I say screw paper. Paper is DONE. Paper better call its mother (Ms. Paper) because paper is about to get sent home crying.

When I started to write this blog post I wasn’t sure if I was 100% with the whole paper boycott. I thought, sure, it might be a funny post and all — but did I really think there was any chance that my argument would hold water (paper wouldn’t, FYI — it would just get damp and fall apart)?

Now I believe.

110%.

Boycott paper. Now.

Posted under Boycotts, Paper, Politicians. |