Some people deny. I admit.
That’s why I’d like to welcome you all to yet another edition of WFME’s Today’s Blatant Admission. That’s where yours truly treats the entire Internet as a religious advisor of sorts, cleaning the house of the inner mind and coming clean. That’s where I try to forget about the fact that five minutes after posting this, the entire world will have access to it. That’s where I admit something, you read it, you wonder about admitting something yourself in the comments and then decide otherwise. But when you have to admit something, you just gotta do it.
So sit back and enjoy Today’s Blatant Admission, #207.
I often pretend to be asleep in Sharper Image and/or Brookstone massage chairs.
I’m sure you’ve seen these chairs before. They’re always on display at the front entrances of mall hoohickey stores (stores that sell everything, sort of like the buffet of knickknacks). They’re always just calling out to you “oooooh, come sit in me and get the best fake massage of your life!” Often children drag their parents just so they can get a chance to have their spine ruined for the rest of their life.
But the biggest problem is the time limit.
Why there’s a time limit when you’re sitting in a massage chair, I don’t fully get. I mean, I understand they want other people to have the opportunity to try it — but this isn’t some amusement park ride line. That’s why, the minute I get my chance to sit in one of these leather-clad beauties…
…I pretend to fall asleep.
At first, I lay my head back so my neck gets a really good massage. Then I start doing that sort of “aaaaah” and “uhhhh” sound out of my mouth. It sort of lets anyone nearby know that I’m getting really relaxed and I’m feeling good. I’ll often, if I’m holding a bag with one hand, let it drop to the floor — illustrating that I’m so relaxed I can’t even hold onto the things in my hands. It’s like my motor skills are going limp. And you know what that means?
No motor skills = asleep.
Then, I let my eyes roll into the back of my head and sort of do that eye-lid fluttering thing so people who are watching and waiting to see if I might be done soon will realize that the guy they’re staring at is getting extremely relaxed to the point of closing his eyes. Still, people close their eyes when they’re getting head massages at the salon — and yet they’re not asleep. So, even though the eyes are closed, it doesn’t fully seal the deal.
That’s where snoring comes in.
I usually get the snoring action in full effect about a minute or so after the eyes have rolled back into my skull. Then, I curl up in a kind of semi-fetal position, let one leg hang off the edge of the chair, and get the artificial REM eye movements going. Sometimes I’ll talk in my sleep and say things like, “no, don’t eat the bread” or “that’s a skunk, silly!” I usually try to toss out a random sleep-talking line if someone gets within a few feet of me to both startle and surprise them.
And then there’s the crazy mumbling.
If someone, like a manager or a child with too much time on their hands, approaches me? If someone tries to nudge me? If someone’s like “sir, you have to give other people a chance here”… I just shift in “my sleep” and murmur something that makes zero sense. If they’re a good manager, they won’t waste their time trying to wake me up. If they’re a kid — they’ll be concerned I might wake up and bite off a limb. Either way, I pretend to sleep until I feel satisfied with the massage.
Usually it’s anywhere between 20 minutes and one hour.
Some people ask me why I do this. Why I’d waste all my time pretending to sleep just to get a free chair massage. And honestly, isn’t the answer in what I just said? Free massage, people. Like I’m going to go out and spend four thousand bucks on a chair that would totally seem out of place anywhere in my house?
I want free massages.
And I’m willing to pretend I’m asleep to get them.