You may or may not have known it, but I was on strike.
For three whole months I did zero writing whatsoever. I got back in touch with my feminine side. I cried in movies, I ran through the park, I played chess against chessmasters and I learned how to play Chutes & Ladders. I realized that when you go on strike against something or someone, it opens up a whole new world of experiences.
That’s why, effective immediately, I would like to go on strike against a whole slew of things.
Contrary to popular belief, you don’t just have to go on strike against multinational conglomerates. You can strike anything and anyone. You don’t have to even be a part of a union, you can just wake up one day and tell your friends that you’re going out on strike against reality shows that make people eat gross bugs. You can go out on strike against people who sit down right next to you when there’s a thousand other seats further away that they could have chosen. You can go out on strike against bugs that refuse to fly out of your car, even after you’ve opened the window for them.
That’s why I would like to go out on strike, on the following things, as soon as possible:
- I would like to go out on strike against people who send thank you notes (not for gifts) but just for you stopping by their homes. This causes you to feel responsible for sending a thank you note, thanking them for thanking you for just stopping by. This also forces you to send the same parties a thank you note in the mail when they’ve done something idiotic like call to see if you’re okay after an earthquake. I strike these people, now and forever!
- I would also like to go out on strike against any children’s toys that are ponies. I don’t know where this whole pony thing has come from, but nobody buys ponies for kids. These are the wrong expectations to be putting into children’s heads. Promising a kid a pony is like promising a kid his own harrier jet. Not realistic. So stop it with the ponies. No more lines in shows where some kid wants a pony and gets one. I guess it’s not just toys, but I’m striking ponies in general. Begone, ponies!!
- I would thirdly, like to go out on strike against people who have taken the IM phrase “WTF” and become convinced they can use it for the more alternative and less-vulgar phrase “what the fool!?” First, it makes zero sense. If it was “what fool?” as in, what fool just rammed their car into my car at a Yield sign, then OK. But “what THE fool?” Makes no sense. I strike you, foolz!
- I’d also like to strike against dream warriors. These are people who insist they can go into other people’s dreams and fight evil spirits. I have three friends who insist I call them when evil spirits are in my dreams so they can get in there and “kick some apparition ass.” I didn’t buy it when I saw Dreamscape and I don’t buy it now. Stop it. Go to sleep and let me strike you.
- While I’m talking about striking, I’d like to also go out on strike against the people who came up with the concept of shaping pudding and other pliable deserts into cone shaped Close Encounters-like mountains. I can’t say much more than this except it grosses me out and it ruins the entire buffet experience.
- Finally, I would like to strike against the Toucan. He’s a bastard of a bird, who has zero sense of humor like the Froot Loops folks would like you to think.
You’re welcome to join me in my strike. Pledge your alliances!