Today’s Conspiracy About Almonds

Look at a can of Blue Diamond almonds and you’ll be happy to know there’s six full servings of “approximately” 28 almonds in each can.

I’ve been stoked about this fact for weeks, as I’ve been eating through can after can, while finishing off a movie I’ve been writing (thus the reason for my long term absence). Still, the more I ate the more I wondered, just how close said almond contents were to the words being printed on the label. I started eating and started counting and then became extremely surprised at my findings.

The findings that prove to me that there’s a true conspiracy going on with the almonds.

I’ll start by providing to you some of the recent almond counts I’ve been a part of lately. They include any and all cans of the Blue Diamond “Bold” brand of almonds, which include such wonderful flavors as Salt & Vinegar, Maui Onion & Garlic, Line and Chili, Wasabi & Soy Sauce and Jalapeno Smokehouse. Each container is said to have 6 servings of 28 nuts (28 x 6 = 168 almonds). Here’s the counts:

  • Can #1: 5 servings of 28 nuts, 1 serving of 14
  • Can #2: 5 servings of 28 nuts, 1 serving of 10
  • Can #3: 5 servings of 27 1/2 nuts, 1 serving of 8
  • Can #4: 5 servings of 28 nuts, 1 serving of 16
  • Can #5: 5 servings of 28 nuts, 1 serving of 12

As you can plainly see — the conspiracy about being short-changed on the almonds by the Blue Diamond people is not a conspiracy, but a true almond screw-over. That’s right, people. Having had time off my DirecTV rant from months ago, I have proven that almond lovers throughout the world are being cheated out of anywhere from 8 to 20 almonds in each can.

And why should you care?

Because if you’re on a diet and you’re counting calories and you decide to eat an entire can and you calculate what six full servings will come out to, and you don’t eat something like a Twinkee later that day because you can’t because the Blue Diamond almond folks told you one thing when in reality they were true almond-liars…

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Well, you’d be pissed.

As you can imagine, I have calls into the Blue Diamond folks.

5 comments on “Today’s Conspiracy About Almonds

  1. alejna - February 21, 2008 at 9:05 pm -

    It sounds like you’re onto something with your careful research. The question is, how deep does this conspiracy run? Are there almond-packing employees skimming nuts off the top and marketing their own brand? Or do the higher-ups force the employees to keep quiet as they knowingly cheat the public?

  2. Susan - February 21, 2008 at 9:11 pm -

    I hope your new movie addresses this controversy in depth: “All the President’s Almonds” “Gone with the Almonds” “How Stella got her Almonds Back”. Pauly, you’re nutty!

  3. Pauly D - February 21, 2008 at 9:37 pm -

    Alejna – I think it runs pretty deep. Blue Diamond didn’t even call me back.

    Susan – Aw, nuts.

  4. Amy - February 22, 2008 at 6:47 pm -

    Constipated lately, Pauly?

  5. Kathleen - February 23, 2008 at 11:10 pm -

    sometimes I think we were separated at birth. when I eat crackers from Premium, I get pissed because they used to pack those suckers in tight with that white plastic…now…hmmm, not so much.

    There’s at least 5 crackers gone…

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