Words for My Enjoyment

Today’s Prognosis on Eating Things Off the Floor

November 28th, 2007

What’s with this whole five second rule?

If I’m eating an Oreo cookie and the damn thing falls on the floor…and five minutes go by, you still better believe that I’m going to kneel down (using my legs, not my back), pick up that glorious little cookie, give it a quick five-second burst of air, and shove that baby back into my mouth. I’ll do it at a five minute count, a ten minute count, and the next morning if I find it wedged underneath the fridge.

Because this whole eating off the floor thing has gotten a totally bad rap.

Look, I know people have this thing about germs. I know people are generally xenophobes when it comes to the kinds of urine and semen germs you can find in hotel rooms, bathrooms, door handles and holding on for dear life on the surfaces of diner mint bowls. But dropping something you had in your own hands on the floor and then refusing to eat it?

Silly, people. Just plain silly.

I don’t care if you dropped a moistly-cooked, dipped in bread crumb filet of fried chicken onto the top of an ant-hill at the beach. I’m still gonna eat the damn piece of fried chicken. Nothing is going to get me. Germs that weren’t there already, laced inside the salmonella, aren’t going to suddenly appear and kill me.

I. Am going. To eat. The chicken.

Now I’m not stupid. I’m not going to “notice” food on the side of the road, pull over, pick it up and finish off that chicken cordon bleu. I’m not going to rifle through someone’s garbage and chomp down on a half-eaten eclaire. But if it’s my own food. And I’ve dropped it. And it’s still there after the evening news?

I. Am. Going. To. Eat it.

There is, of course, a short list of things I could potentially drop on the floor and after five seconds still choose NOT to eat. This is that list. And by the way, just so we don’t forget…this list is life:

• Jello
• Tofu (Not only does it take on the flavor of whatever food you cook it with, but it also takes on whatever dirt and germs may be on the floor.
• String cheese (which I wouldn’t even eat fresh out of the package for any reason whatsoever).
• Raw eggs
• Gefilte Fish (if you have to ask, look it up).

That’s it, people.

That’s it.

So the next time you drop your own food item on the floor… Or the next time you see someone else drop a piece of anything on the floor… And you decide to shout out some temporal rule, or you think it’s wise to start calling foul on someone for eating off the floor… Give it a rest.

Someone smart once said: “There are more germs in you than on any floor in the entire free world.”

Smart, being the key word.

Posted under Eating Food Off The Floor, Five Second Rule, Manners, Prognosis. |