Words for My Enjoyment

Unresolved Arguments, Vol. 2

September 6th, 2007

Thanks to everyone’s enthusiasm for Unresolved Arguments, Vol. 1.

As a result of everyone’s extremely exciting and positive reaction to Unresolved Arguments, Vol. 1 — I would like to give something back to all those WFME readers by providing them Unresolved Arguments, Vol. 2. In Volume 2 of the award-winning Unresolved Arguments Series (based on the Unresolved Arguments CD) — I provide the argument (as I did in Vol. 1), the two sides of the argument, and let you the WFME reader try and decide how to resolve it. Really, it’s a cathartic experience for all.

I only hope you are all as successful as you were with your argument resolution techniques utilized in Vol. 1.

Argument #43: Handshake or Finger-Scratching-Palm Handshake?

In Support of Handshake: A normal handshake is professional, courteous and shows that you have a sense of manners about you. Normal handshakes are great at business lunches, meetings, or at social engagements where you wear a tie. Normal, everyday, conservative handshakes with good pressure communicate that you are confident, self-assured and generally happy.

In Support of Finger-Scratching-Palm Handshake: Normal handshakes are stuffy. If I get a handshake and it’s just a boring old everyday handshake I wonder how tightly-wound the person is. That’s why I love to crook my index finger into the darkness of any handshake and then playfully scratch the inside of their palm. Usually we laugh and everyone realizes it’s a joke. People who employ the finger-scratching-palm handshake often are the life of the party and communicate as such by executing the FSP Handshake.

Argument #102: You Emptying The Garbage or Me Emptying the Garbage

In Support of You Emptying the Garbage: You never empty the garbage. In fact, in the last year, you’ve probably emptied the garbage like twelve times. We empty the garbage at least twice a week which means that over an entire year we’re emptying the garbage over 600 times. Twelve times out of six hundred isn’t that much, which is why you should probably empty the garbage. Doing the laundry and cooking dinner, while greatly appreciated, does not get you out of emptying the garbage I’m afraid.

in Support of Me Emptying the Garbage: It’s true, I agreed to empty the garbage. I said that it would be my chore. In saying such, it seems only reasonable that I be the one to empty the garbage. And while I already do a lot of other things like mow the lawn and deal with picking up the dry cleaning and connecting all the electronics in the apartment, I can definitely sign on board with this whole “you agreed to that chore, so you should consistently do it.” I’m really good at emptying the garbage anyway — and as opposed to non-professional garbage-emptiers, I usually get every bit of garbage in the can (and not on the ground where the squirrels can eat at it.)

Argument 291: Finger Foods Being Called Finger Foods or Mini-Munchies

In Support of Finger Foods Being Called Finger Foods: Finger foods should be called finger foods because they are plucked off trays by our fingers. And not just one finger, but numerous fingers, thus the plural nature of the phrase. Calling something a finger food elicits a certain response that gets people hungry. It alludes to a nice, snacky snack that comes before dinner. Finger foods is a term that also applies to foods requiring toothpicks, thanks to a healthy and long history of the phrase, which was established in the 50’s. Calling something a mini-munchie is confusing and misleading.

In Support of Finger Foods Being Called Mini-Munchies: Finger foods is a term that should have been washed away by the torrential downpours and hurricanes of the ‘71 Winter Season. Mini-Munchies on the other hand, is a broad term that applies to all sorts of pre-meal snacks and addresses the non-finger grasping items like toothpicked cheeses, pigs in a blanket and cubes of fruit. Finger Foods is a term that worked when pre-dinner snacks were grasped by the index finger and thumb. But these days, with an advanced food palate and broadening range of food items, civilized people are using mini-forks, toothpicks and grippers to keep their once-dirty uncultured fingers free of germs as they down their wonderful Mini-Munchies.

Argument 412: Are We Being Mean, Making Fun of Midgets, Dwarfs and Short People

In Support of Us Being Mean in the Making Fun of Midgets, Dwarfs and Short People: Midgets, dwarfs and short people are just plain funny. There’s no question about it. Why else would Snow White get seven of them? Why else would comedies like Time Bandits and that other movie with the midgets do so well in the box office? Midgets, dwarfs and short people embrace their shortcomings and love being the center of attention. Did you know that most midgets, dwarfs and short people were born in August — and are Leos? And did you know that Leos love attention? That alone should convince you that Midgets, Dwarfs and Short People love being made fun of.

In Support of Us Not Being Mean in the Making Fun of Midgets, Dwarfs and Short People: Just because someone is short or looks funny is NO REASON to make fun of them. Just because the mainstream media does is no reason to do it yourself. In doing so, all you’re doing is allowing a hurtful stereotype to be propagated throughout the world. Instead, why not embrace Midgets, Dwarfs and Short People? Why not invite them into your home (with security, of course)? Why not hug them when you see them, instead of crossing to the other side of the street because you’re afraid of them “jumping into your shirt pocket and taking your credit cards?” Isn’t it much better going through life treating everyone equally, no matter their race, color, size or shape?

Argument 2943: Should I Call Her Or Should You Call Her

In Support of Me Calling Her: I’m better on the phone. Quick on my feet. If she asks me why I’m calling I can make something up like I’m calling to tell her I just declared war on a small South American country. If she isn’t there, I can probably get whomever answers the phone to give me the number where she’s at if I pretend to be the credit card fraud prevention department. I’ve also watched a lot of stand-up comedy, so I can throw out jokes about things like dating, giving birth and traffic jams without any dead-air whatsoever.

In Support of You Calling Her: You like her, I don’t. Why the hell do I have to be the one to call? It’s like that movie Roxanne where the one guy is in love with the one girl but he doesn’t have the courage to talk to her so he gets Steve Martin to talk for him, and then she falls in love with Steve Martin instead. Or wait. That’s not it. He loves her but doesn’t know what to say so Steve Martin writes all the speeches for him and throws him lines from the bushes so he looks like he is romantic and all that, and it gets her to fall in love with him when she’s really falling in love with the words of the other guy without her knowing it. And the other guy…the Steve Martin guy, he’s falling in love with her at the same time too and the words he’s crafting and giving to the other guy, are actually his real feelings. Then, when the guy who likes her is alone with her, without Steve Martin, he seems like an idiot and it causes huge problems not to mention the fact that Steve Martin is also in love with her. Big friggin nightmare. You’d better call instead of me.

Posted under Unresolved Arguments. |