The Karaoke Master Has Finally Been Taken Down A Notch
August 28th, 2007
A sad realization, this drab and gloomy Tuesday morning.
The fact that, upon recently visiting my local karaoke watering hole, mere minutes before performing my trio of top notch vocal renderings of “The Greatest American Hero Theme”, “Sailing” and “Comfortably Numb” it was discovered that not only was I not the greatest karaoke master in the general Los Angeles area…
…but that there are some, far better than I.
I have fallen a long way from my grandiose claims of February 2004 in which my glib attitude shone brighter than our own glorious sun. Claiming to be the master of all things lip syncing and karaoke, I set myself atop the highest peak in the “mouth the words” universe, never thinking at that point in time that someday… Someday soon… There would be one who would surpass my seemingly unsurpassable ability to sound exactly like Christopher Cross.
And that, “the one” would be 92 years old.
If you had told me back in 2004 that the karaoke master would be shoved off the apex of his yellow-highlighted text mountain by a man far older than me, I would have scoffed and partially gleeked in your face (by accident). I would have put my fists upon my waist in my karaoke master proclamation stance and said in a deep voice homage to Phil Hartman, “The Karaoke Master will never fall. But if he does, it will be by a younger, more vocally talented scruff of a tough — a singer so great at sounding like other more well established singers (while drinking a shot of tequila and chomping on some cheese sticks) that no one would be surprised of the karaoke master’s defeat.”
That’s what I would have said, had anyone challenged the karaoke master’s skills.
But alas, here I sit on this gloomy Tuesday morning — mere hours from my masterdom being shuffled to the side by a 92 year old God of music. A man much like Yoda in that his frail appearance fools thine eyes. A man so frail with reflexes so rusty that no one could have expected his Roger Waters-esque voice. A man probably wearing adult diapers, yet perfectly flawless singing “We Built This City” by Starship.
A Karaoke God to my Karaoke Master.
All seriousness aside — I find that my last bastion of success has been stripped from my life. My skills at winning in video games was taken away from me years ago when 12 year olds kicked my ass. My ability to pole vault and run long distances for no reason whatsoever was removed by a bad knee and a hatred of the outdoors and air in general. And now, yes, on this gloomy Tuesday morning I find that my masterdom of Milli Vanilli is gone.
Thanks to a 92 year old man.
Now if I could only find a song that he isn’t good at singing… Maybe then I could win back my title.
It has been my experience that if you can pull off Starship, you can pull off just about anything, Paul. Maybe, just maybe, you can trip him up with something from Marilyn Manson but that is assuming you can do Manson flawlessly. Otherwise, given his age, wait him out and reclaim the title upon his death.
Comment by Jerry — August 28, 2007 @ 11:02 am
The bigger they are, the harder they fall, my friend.
Maybe the song you should sing for this purpose then is Jimmy Cliff’s “The Harder they Come.”
Of course, I also like Jerry’s wait it out suggestion.
Comment by Fun Joel — August 28, 2007 @ 6:27 pm
Perhaps you are no longer the Karaoke Master when it comes to vocal quality, however, I believe you can recreate your karaoke image and status by spoofing the words to commonly known and sung songs instead of the original words that come across the screen. Could a 92 year old, adult-diaper-wearing karaokier pull that off?
I doubt it?
After all, you still are the Master of Funny!
Comment by Jacquie — August 29, 2007 @ 5:31 am
Pauly,
keep shooting down the walls of heartache…bang. bang.
Cooking MC’s like a pound of bacon
Just think of your new nemisis like
Every little thing the reflex does leaves you answered with a question mark
Rock the mic like
Theres nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
And when you feel like you got nothing left
just roll along- that’s what you do
just roll along- that’s right
just roll along- that’s what you do
just roll along- that’s right
Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars
Comment by Kathleen — August 29, 2007 @ 8:13 am
Jerry - He’s a healthy old man, this one. Maybe Marilyn Manson is the way to go.
Kathleen - Anyone who can throw out a Survivor (featuring Patty Smythe) is my idol.
Comment by Pauly D — August 29, 2007 @ 9:32 am
If you really want to mix it up a bit and be a master, do Superfreak, but sing, Can’t Touch This. They they will bow down to the Karaoke Master
Comment by Adrian — August 29, 2007 @ 4:38 pm
I don’t think he could pull off “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred.
…and you do a rendition of Sailing? I admit it proudly…I love that song.
Comment by Emmasometimes — September 5, 2007 @ 10:46 am
oh my god, i love this. fantastic.
Comment by Gina — September 12, 2007 @ 5:30 pm