Words for My Enjoyment

There Are Certain Surgeries I’d Like To Perform With Zero Medical Training Whatsoever

August 18th, 2007

Let’s face it — surgery is tough.

Even when you watch shows like ER or Grey’s Anatomy you often don’t say to yourself, “now there’s a procedure I’m sure I could do on my own with normal everyday household items.” That, of course, is unlike when you watch a police show and think that yes, you could probably chase down a perp… Or, when you watch a legal drama you think, sure, I could try a case on my own. But surgery? Not so much.

Yet that being said, there are certain surgeries I’d like to perform with zero medical training whatsoever.

Why, ask thee, would you want to do any kind of surgery without any medical training — let alone, why would any innocent person with a medical issue trust you to be the person to do so. Well, let me address those two concerns outright with these brief responses:

1. The challenge.
2. With health care companies consistently denying Americans health care, before long people MAY turn to people like me, who perform surgeries for free, despite the fact that I have zero medical training whatsoever.

With those two points having been proven in the previous aforementioned paragraph, I would now like to elaborate on the variety of surgeries I believe I’d like to perform with zero medical training whatsoever. They include, but are not limited to:

• Heart Transplant: Let’s face it. If I met you out in public through friends and you asked me what I did, and I said well I normally write but just last week I performed a triple bypass and heart transplant with zero medical training whatsoever, you would probably be really impressed. That’s why.
• Cracking Open A Skull, Stimulating The Brain With Electrodes: Three words, people. Cracking. Stimulating. Electrodes. Really, it’s a no-brainer.
• Taking A Toe, Creating a Thumb Out of It: Like a surgeon I actually know, who has performed this complicated procedure for someone who lost their thumb in an accident…transplanting a toe into one’s thumb space (or creating a “thoe” for all intents and purposes) is like the most awesome surgical bragging story ever. “Have you heard of the thoe?” I’d probably say that all the time.
• Stopping the Heart, Restarting the Heart: Next to jumping over sharks on a motorcycle, getting a supersuit from an alien space ship and singing in a restaurant bar with Erin Moran — stopping the heart and restarting the heart had my heartbeat pumping the last time I saw it happen on TV. It’s just damn cool.
• Suturing Anything: Can you suture? Anyone ever asked you in mixed company if you could suture? No? Exactly.

Posted under Medical Training, Performing in the E.R., Surgery. |