I Feel Bad For Masseuse Daters
August 11th, 2007
You think dating a stripper is bad?
Worse than dating a stripper is dating a masseuse. At least when you’re dating a stripper, while you may not want to ask said stripper to strip for you (thereby asking her to work even AFTER she’s already left work), at least when she takes off her clothes she’s still stripping. And while she may not be doing it to music, she is still stripping. So then, when your friends ask if your stripper girlfriend strips for you, you can say that yes. Yes she does.
But people who date masseuses? I just feel bad for them.
The problem is, those involved in the art of massage are often doing it all day long. And because the act of getting a massage requires one to ask for said massage — when your girlfriend (or boyfriend) comes home at the end of the day after already rubbing strangers down for the entirety of the last eight hours… Well, the last thing you can really get away with is asking your loved one to “rub your hands like a gorilla would” or “squeeze the balls of your feet like her survival depended on it.” It also means you probably can’t get away with subtle hints like rolling your neck in a 360-degree circle with accompanying moans or suggesting maybe, possibly your masseuse-significant other (or masseusother) might want to “rub her bub.”
Really, masseuse daters are sort of screwed.
Date a stripper, and you never have to ask said stripper to do what she does at work, at home. Eventually, she just will. Date a flight attendant, and you never have to ask said flight attendant to grab you a drink, or some nuts, or perhaps grab you a blanket or a pillow — everyday life ensures that these things will…just happen. Date a police cadet or officer and you can sit there watching them put on or off their uniform. Faced by hoodlums in a dark alley, and said police cadet will probably save your life with some chopsockey defensive hand moves.
But date a masseuse? Yeah. Not so much.
It’s unfortunate, but getting a massage is a unique act that only occurs in isolated situations. It’s like asking your biochemical nuclear physicist girlfriend to come home and split some atoms for you at the dinner table. She won’t want to do it, and you won’t want to ask her to. Or like asking your marine biologist wife to help you send messages to the fish in your tank at home. She communicates with fish at the office, pal. Not at home with you.
So then why make your life tough by dating a masseuse and hoping that she’s going to give you the ‘ol treatment when the reality of the situation is she will NEVER WANT TO DO IT.
That’s why, mostly, I feel bad for masseuse daters.
It’s hard enough getting the other person in your life to do selfless acts on your behalf. Why make it harder by dating someone who does said selfless act all day long for money?
I say date a stripper.
It’s easier.
What about a chef? If you married one, would it be bad to ask him/her to cook you dinner?
What about porn actors?
Where do we draw the line, Pauly? Heh.
Comment by Amy — August 11, 2007 @ 4:40 pm
Amy - You prove my point quite well by bringing those two professions up. Chefs? Well, you don’t have to ask them to cook you dinner because we all have to eat. Eventually they’ll just have to make dinner anyway. (Masseuses don’t NEED to come home and give you a back rub.) And porn actors? If you ask them to perform at home, they can at least give you a video tape of their work that you can watch. (Masseuses cannot…at least I doubt they videotape their massages.)
Comment by Pauly D — August 11, 2007 @ 4:57 pm
But, what if your husband says, “Honey, the cat vomited again,” or “Hey sexy wife, guess what, the “kids” need their nails clipped.” How does a veterinarian leave her work at work? It’s a 24-7 thing, I tell you.
Comment by Andrea H. — August 11, 2007 @ 7:42 pm
besides, i think masseuses have a lot more physical contact with complete strangers, you know, a lot more touchy, rubby business, than a stripper does, at least “on the job”. I can’t vouch for what they do in their own time.
Comment by Jacquie — August 12, 2007 @ 10:56 am
i can’t imagine dating a masseuse; the very idea just rubs me the wrong way.
Comment by dgm — August 12, 2007 @ 8:36 pm
I went out with one. They prefer to be called “massage therapists.” Also, I’d like to note that I am a former chef.
We did for each other, if you get my drift.
Comment by scarlet hip — August 13, 2007 @ 5:52 pm
What if you had multiple personalities and dated a Psycologist? Totally screwed. You would be thinking that you don’t need to see anyone since you are dating a doc. But your date would be like “Jeez! I just can’t get away. I’ll just pretend I am helping Amy. I mean JoAnn. No, is it Mary? ARG!”
Comment by ProcheinAmy — August 13, 2007 @ 6:05 pm
And that chick so needs to get her roots done in that picture!
Comment by ProcheinAmy — August 13, 2007 @ 6:06 pm