Leaving is the New Going

People used to say, “I’m going now.”

Usually, they would use such a pedestrian phrase when they wanted others around them to know that they were going somewhere. Going to the store. Going to a movie. Going, parting ways from a conversation. It was a phrase that took over modern society from the years 1912-2005, being slung forth from society’s collective mouth for decades upon decades. Of course, everything has just changed…

…now that leaving is the new going.

Using the English language, I’m told, is one of the hardest things to fully master. If you didn’t grow up in this country, and you didn’t benefit from learning English as your first language, grasping the intricacies is a tough hurdle to hurdle. The word “going” is one of those complicated hybrid words that means two things. Going can mean “going somewhere” but it can also mean “departing from somewhere” as well.

That is why I’ve decided that leaving is the new going.

Take a look at the phrases that follow, and you’ll see exactly how I’m going to revolutionize the English language by replacing old words with other old words, thus creating new combinations of old words. Here:

“I’m going now.”
“I’m leaving now.”

The first of the two sentences is ambiguous. Where am I going? Am I urinating in my pants? It’s a confusing bit of lexiconical hobojobo (another word I invented, meaning “b.s.”). Anyone you say that bit of dialogue to will simply have to follow up your statement with a long list of questions. Going, how? Going somewhere? Does this mean our conversation is over?

But the phrase “I’m leaving now” is simple and to the point. You’re leaving. Period. Whether you’re leaving me forever or leaving the location you’re currently at — the bottom line is you’re leaving. The conversation is over. There’s nothing left to interpretation here. Clearly, the second of the two phrases (i.e., the new replacing the old) is the way to go.

But what of the more complicated examples?

“I’m going to eat dinner.”
“I’m leaving to eat dinner.”

Once again, the first question (utilizing the old phrase we’re currently attempting to squash into oblivion here) is ambiguous. You’re going to eat dinner. Now? Later? Does this mean you’re going to do it somewhere other than here? It’s the kind of phrase that drives you batty. But “I’m leaving to eat dinner” is clearly obvious. You’re leaving the current location and going somewhere else to consume calories.

Is there, honestly, any reason to hold onto “going” anymore?

Leaving is totally the new going.

3 comments on “Leaving is the New Going

  1. Jerry - July 31, 2007 at 11:35 am -

    in your world should I say I am going crazy or I am leaving sanity? Because I am going crazy means something different than I am leaving crazy. Perhaps and exception to your rule. An i-before-e-except-after-c-like lexiconical hobojobo for you to consider.

  2. Pauly D - July 31, 2007 at 2:52 pm -

    Jerry – It’s totally a rule.

  3. Jacquie - August 5, 2007 at 2:38 pm -

    Where do I sign up for the Lexiconical Hobojoboers of America Club?

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