Leaving is the New Going

People used to say, “I’m going now.”

Usually, they would use such a pedestrian phrase when they wanted others around them to know that they were going somewhere. Going to the store. Going to a movie. Going, parting ways from a conversation. It was a phrase that took over modern society from the years 1912-2005, being slung forth from society’s collective mouth for decades upon decades. Of course, everything has just changed…

…now that leaving is the new going.

Using the English language, I’m told, is one of the hardest things to fully master. If you didn’t grow up in this country, and you didn’t benefit from learning English as your first language, grasping the intricacies is a tough hurdle to hurdle. The word “going” is one of those complicated hybrid words that means two things. Going can mean “going somewhere” but it can also mean “departing from somewhere” as well.

WFME Will Be Knighted

If the Queen can knight real people, then why can’t she knight blogs?

The only answer to the above question is, “because no blogs have asked to, or expressed interest in being knighted simply because no blogs assumed they could be knighted, thus the lack of acting on getting knighted.” That’s why, effective immediately, I will begin my campaign to get this blog knighted by the lovely, endearing Queen of England.

In each post I will elaborate on one virtue that I believe is a reason for this blog to be knighted. Today’s virtue? None other than…

Pen-Swordedness Skills

Since knights must be skilled in the art of war and must be able to wield a sword… And since the pen is mightier than the sword… And since I am a writer and my pen is mightier than the knight’s sword… That makes me mightier than the knight who has been knighted by the Queen of England. And if I, the author of said blog, is mightier than the knight, using my pen-swordedness to do so, then this blog shall be knighted.

Oh yeah. I can taste the crumpets already.

Today Is The Day I Capitalize On The Success of Hairspray With Other Ideas for Movie Musicals Based on Grooming Products

  • Gel! A rollicking musical set in the over-abundant 80’s, telling the story of Dirk Meadows, a successful Wall Street tycoon who just can’t stop singing the praises of this over-performing stocks. Well-dressed, with a severe gel-encased hair style, he’s got the women lusting after him and the competitors shaking in their boots.
  • Pomade! Patrick Pomade has got the world’s greatest idea next to velcro — it’s a pomade that has a firm hold while still keeping ones’ hair silky to the touch. But Millie Pomade, his horrible evil sister, has got other ideas for his unique invention. She wants to use it to give the Soviets the kind of power they need to win the Cold War. Set in the 50’s, this down home country-western musical has such memorable songs as “Pom-pom Pomade” and “I Feel Product In My Hair That Isn’t There.”
  • Rogaine! Present day musical set in the world of Generation X, now reaching their 40’s and combing over all their assets so to speak. Follows Charles Wigglesworth, a conservative radio talk show host who often breaks into song while attacking liberal callers. Your feet will be tapping to musical numbers “Republican, Republi-CAN’T” and “My Hair Ain’t There” as Charles Wigglesworth realizes the honor in truth and the truth in honor.
  • Hairlights! A clever play on the phrase “highlights” this off-Broadway charmer will sing its way into your heart as you live the experiences of dull, drab librarian Keelie Evans, a teenager with zero friends and zero confidence. But when she meets the after-hours security hunk Dabble Steemer (who happens to be a hair-highlighting hobbyist) her black and white existence turns up roses! You’ll double over in laughter with such Busby Berkeley-esque choreographed numbers as “Do-a-Dye” and “Dewey Decimal is My Darlin’ No More!”
  • Licenex! This sci-fi musical comedy is ahead of its time, retelling the story of Invasion of the Body Snatchers with music. But instead of an alien infestation, it’s all about lice. Infesting people’s scalps. Government investigators Hank Worber and Sissy Keen stumble upon a small midwestern town in Oklahoma where everyone’s heads have become taken over by lice. They try disease control but only music seems to be the alien’s downfall. You’ll be on the edge of your seat tapping your toes with musical numbers, “I Don’t Like Lice, No Sir I Don’t” and “I Shave, You Shave, We All Shave.”

If I Was Living In A Remote Mountain Cabin Writing The Next Great American Novel And You Had Been Lost In The Mountains Having Not Eaten For Twenty Days, I Probably Wouldn’t Give You Any Food

At least I’m being honest, right?

Thing is, why or how I got to be some guy living in a remote mountain cabin writing the next great American novel is besides the point. Perhaps the hustle and bustle of big city living got to be too much. Perhaps I couldn’t concentrate with the constant fly-overs by commercial airliners. No matter. The reason for being there would be a moot point the minute your hungry lost abandoned-by-your-guides self showed up at my door.

At which point, if I’m being honest, I probably wouldn’t give you any food.