Today’s Prognosis on Moments of Silence

Bow your heads in reverence, please.

Now let’s all not say a word, let’s use this one full minute to be quiet. To reflect upon what’s happened. To reach deep inside ourselves and use that silence to connect with our emotions. To give that moment of silence to those who have died, faced insurmountable trajedy, and/or just simply want us to be quiet for a minute so the chaos can stop. Thing is, I’m sorry to say it — but I have a huge problem with the “moment of silence.”

That’s why today, we’ll be serving up another WFME prognosis on the bastards.

Found: Ed Norton’s List of Dating Do’s & Don’ts

Open the car door
Compliment her eyes/hair/clothing
Tip waitress and busboys well
Ask questions
Be interested
Order for her
Be emotional, show heart
Talk about books, culture, global warming
Dress well, iron shirt
Respect her physically

Mention hooking up with Charlize Theron
Show off your multiple-personality impression from ‘Primal Fear’
Bring your Oscar to dinner, like last time
Let DeNiro call and give you talking points
Put bread in her water glass and pretend it’s a brain stem
Call the valet “Paco”
Fly her anywhere in a helicopter
Make her talk in an English Accent
Advise her to ‘suck from the teet of Norton’ in case this is the last date
Tell her that the ‘first rule of sleeping with Ed Norton’ is ‘you DON’T TALK ABOUT sleeping with Ed Norton’

I Could Be Your Kiddie Pool Lifeguard

Water is water, that’s what I always say.

Talk to forensic scientists or homicide detectives and they’ll tell you that a man can drown in a foot of water. Talk to lifeguards and they’ll tell you they’ve seen beach-dwellers drown by drinking a can of soda too fast. Talk to the brave members of the United States Coast Guard and they’ll tell you that water is the most evil element on the face of the Earth. That’s why, as summer approaches, people need to be very careful with those blow-up kiddie pools.

Thankfully, I could be your kiddie pool lifeguard.

Unconfirmed Spoilers About The Sopranos Series Finale

Sometimes I get e-mails from moles in the entertainment industry.

In the past, some confidential tips have been 100% legitimate (see Mr. Six and the major media press that followed). Other times, the tips result in mediocre spoilers that rile up the geekdom of the Intranut.

But with only one week to go until the series finale of HBO’s The Sopranos, and a suspicious-looking mole providing me inside deets from the David Chase organization — I couldn’t let it pass me by without at least posting them here.

  • Tony Soprano, having had most of his New Jersey crew killed, has nothing left but his family. And so, in the series finale, he decides to contact his government contact and sell out Phil and the rest of his bunch. The result, the Sopranos (as a family) go into hiding and start a new life.

Cheddar or Swiss

Waitress: “…and you can get that with chedddar or swiss.”

Him: “That’s a tough one.”
Her: “Just go with cheddar.”
Him: “Just go with cheddar? Why.”
Her: “Because cheddar is better.”
Him: “What, is that a saying or something?”
Her: “No. But swiss is rank.”
Him: “Swiss is rank?”

Waitress: “Should I just give you two a minute?”

Her: “No, he’ll have cheddar.”
Him: “No, I’ll have swiss.”
Her: “You don’t even LIKE swiss.”
Him: “How do you know what I like.”
Her: “Because we’re married. I know everything about you.”
Him: “Well, apparently not. Because I like swiss. Swiss, please.”

Waitress: “Okay. Thanks.”

Her: “You’re going to regret the swiss.”
Him: “In a minute, I’m going to regret marrying you.”