Today’s Advice To An Incarcerated Paris Hilton

I feel for Paris Hilton. Honestly.

It’s obvious to me the girl has been made an example in a world of celebrities skirting criminal and negligent charges on a weekly basis — and this whole back and forth of her being in prison is just a three ring circus for the media’s sake. That being said, her mysterious “medical condition” (the so called catalyst for letting her out in the first place) was revealed this past weekend: she wasn’t eating because she didn’t want to have to go to the bathroom and have guards take pictures of her on the can.

Well, today…I’m here to give Paris Hilton the best advice of her short-lived prison stay.

I’ve always been a huge proponent of bathroom stalls without any peep holes. I never liked bathroom stalls in public places that have the spaces under the door and on either side of the stall. I never liked coming in contact with a “door-jangler” — those people who assume for some strange reason that no one is in the stall (even though they are) and the fact that the door is locked must be some kind of mechanical problem. That is, they’ll keep trying to open the door, even though it seems locked.

It’s locked because someone is in it, you idiot.

But beyond my own issues with door-janglers and suspicious lock pullers, I wanted to give Paris some advice about her current “medical condition” and the reason for such a medical condition. Here’s the problem — Paris is on a spiral downward simply because she doesn’t want the guards to take pictures of her going to the bathroom. The only solution in Paris’ mind is that she shouldn’t eat. If she doesn’t eat, she won’t have to go, and no one can take unflattering pictures of her on the can. In a socialite’s mind, this seems to be the smartest way to approach the problem.

But I wholeheartedly disagree.

Having been in many public bathroom stalls with “chasms to the outside” (i.e. holes) — I have, much like the African Mogwani Pelican (who developed a new beak over time to catch small bugs in tiny tree holes), developed my own solutions to the problem at hand. Often, I travel with the largest section of the newspaper — which when opened, easily blocks anyone from seeing in or me seeing out. At the same time, I can catch up on the latest happenings in the world.

Yes, but will Paris have newspapers? I think not.

Being incarcerated will most likely limit Paris’ access to such things, although she will be permitted to read books. Books are bound. With string. And whether or not you knew it, each bound book contains enough string that if you laid each piece end to end, you’d have about forty-five feet of string in the end. Enough string to, let’s just say, bind together a ten by ten book wall of words that end up being even larger than a huge newspaper — and which, suspended from the ceiling, block any prying eyes from the business at hand.

Right, but does a person like Paris (who’s had everything done for her since day one), have the eye-hand coordination to execute such an elaborate project? Probably not. But does the girl have a mirror? Does the girl have lots of mirrors? Did you know that when you go to prison, they let you take mirrors?

Such a simple MacGuyverian concept, yet it’s probably escaped Paris.

Paris? Go ahead and eat. Eat carbs to your heart’s content. Then when the time comes that you need to do your thang, bring your largest mirror with you. Then if the guards decide they’d like to take pictures of you in an attempt to sell said pictures and leave their guard-job behind for greener pastures, just hold up the mirror (facing them) as they attempt to take those cell phone pictures. The mirror, of course, will reflect the image of the guards taking pictures of themselves. When they see the pictures they’ve nabbed, do you know what they’ll think to themselves?

“My god. It’s not full of stars.”

Meeeeaaaaning…they’ve just gotten a look at their own pitiful, celebrity-stalking selves. And who are they? Guards in a jail? Attemping to take pictures of a person in a cell? Doing their business?

That’ll take care of it once and for all.

Yes. You’re welcome.